I know this isn't very nice but I can't help it ...

[retroginglass]

I live very near my mum. I go and see her on a Saturday and phone ever day. Without doubt she will moan about not sleeping a wink (almost every night - she is a medical marvel), not feeling well or something. It is constant. She is now nearly 80 but this has been going on for as long as I can remember. I am so tired of listening to the constant moaning. My grown up children all visit her all the time so she is not lonely. They also phone her nearly every day. If we go out for lunch she will invariably moan about the place, the noise or something. Her latest gripe is politics and honestly the ranting and raving is getting me down. If I say I'm feeling under the weather she is ten times worse. I know she is attention seeking and my kids can just about bear it she is driving me mad. Any advice?

This being Mumsnet, you're not allowed by some people to ever offload after years and years of being moaned at. Even when, having been on the end of persistent whingeing you have been positive and not moaney at all.

Cos, apparently, that is moaning about moaning and you're just as bad as them!

Feel for you OP. It's no fun.

I had a longterm friend that moaned constantly. You couldn't change the subject as she was determined to be miserable. Distanced myself several times but felt sorry for her and so on it went. Finally I just ghosted her and life is so much better without the constant "poor me" conversations.

As people get older their ‘filters’ go is what it is

I wish my mum was still alive to moan …

I guess most if the commentators on here are relatively young. My mum had a host of illnesses and at times drove me mad. It’s only after suffering ill health myself I’ve realised what she suffered … try to be kinder to parents, grandparents etc as one day it’ll be your turn and it isn’t pleasant!

I used to get annoyed at my nans moaning. But now my nan isn't here anymore and I'd do anything to hear her moaning about something again.

My mum liked a moan, my late father never. So having nursed two parents to the end I would advise do not put up with it. I came out with mental health issues and a huge weight gain. If I was in the position again I would not put up with bullying and abuse (my siblings did this to me). I have a needy friend, I now tell her I have done my carering and anyone else can feck off. I choose happy do the same OP

@Blanketpolicy

Insomnia, especially at night is very common in old age and those hours alone can drag by so slowly. Give her a break for moaning about something that impacts her, I'm sure if you were up for several hours each night you would moan too.

Eh? I have friends from 45 yrs + that are insomniacs, are up for several hours every night and they don't moan and play "woe is me" Top Trumps.

My mam was like this and now she's gone I actually miss it.

My mother is the same. It’s exhausting. Always negative, never happy, always suffering and the victim. Any suggestion of looking on the bright side, or taking a nap, or avoiding that person, or seeing a doctor, or LISTENING to the therapist that suggested she take a look at herself and her behaviour rather than always thinking the 7bn people in the world are personally out to get her…. Causes world war 3 and just puts the suggestor firmly in the camp of ‘aggressor’ and ‘persecutor’.

I tried smiling brightly and ignoring but she sees it for what it is and after a few weeks she then phoned me and picked me up on it as trivialising her life and sufferings and patronising her.

We don’t speak now. Not because of this…. A lot of other stuff. But I’ll tell you, when you don’t have the negativity being vomited all over you every day, week, month, year…. You feel like a weight has been lifted.

What scares me most is that we are going to end up like this and our children will all be on Mumsnet in a few years complaining about us!

I don’t know any old people like this!

It can’t be age, must be a personality thing?!

So draining…

I have a friend like this, the constant moaning about anything is draining.

I believe the expression is “stop with the pity party” and “carry on moaning you will be moaning alone”.

sadly my own didn’t listen to me, ever, and in the end, i stopped answering the phone. Just couldn’t deal with their constant diatribe.

When you call the Drain, put the phone on speaker and do something else eg admin or reading the paper.

When you take them out, go for activities where you don't have to - or can't talk. Tea shop = bad; museum = good; film = best.

If they're bitchy, keep non-committal stock phrases in your back pocket; I loathe being roped into semi-agreeing/tolerating nastiness just cos a row kicks off if someone (you) dares not to join in. Tried and tested: 'That's one way of putting it'; 'Let's see how it pans out before we despair'; 'That's interesting' (it really isn't).

Avoid arguing with them - too easy to say, but it just spins the call out for longer. Sympathise madly re a new woe- don't be too invested cos next call they'll have forgotten it.

KisstheTeapot14

Yes. Sooner you start the better hope you have.

I can totally relate OP. Seriously if I turn into a moany old (not that mum is old she's only early 60's!) woman I'm giving my children permission to throw me off a cliff. It's soooooo draining.

My mum hasn't worked for 16 years, no children at hone since way before then and only responsibility is a car but complains that she has no time at all to do anything and it gets her down

Supersimkin2

Haha at making sure you don’t say anything non-committal! I’m exactly the same - every now and then though I may offer a different opinion - and it causes fireworks! So most of the time I just don’t.

My mum lived in Liverpool and when I married I moved South to Virginia Water. Once a week phone calls as she had a phone phobia and actually, mum never was a moaner not even when she got bowel cancer. I miss her but I remember some little thing from my wonderful childhood every day and silently thank her (and dad)
Maybe the OP's mum does it for attention without realising how demoralising it is to hear.
Try recording a few snatches of those conversations then play them back to her at a suitable time. She evidently has no idea how annoying it is and might be shocked into changing.

My Nan was the same and my mum has started to get that way. I feel your pain

Yes very exhausting. I took a huge step back and the peace was bliss. I now try not get into rows yes no replies. I think she has so much time on her hands so she starts thinking. We get on ok at moment

Sorry but I would give anything for my mum to be still here and listen to her moan. She listened to mine and my siblings problems from child to adult and never once complained because that’s what mums do.
There are 24 hours in a day and even if they have visitors for 3 hours every day , the remaining time can be very lonely for an elderly person with a lot of time to think, especially if they don’t have friends their own age. When a visitor calls, they offloads it all!
We all say we won’t be like that when we get old but who knows what the future holds?
Enjoy your mum, and her moans because you will miss her when she’s gone.

Old age is hard for many. They just want to offload.

I do wish people would realise not everyone had happy/good relationships with their parents.

Can’t say as my mums ever listens to my problems ..not without making it all about her at any rate.

I have no intention of putting myself out when she is old. I will see to it that she is safe and cared for to the best of my ability but I will not, as an adult, tolerate shitty behaviour from her.

Popsicle007

Sorry to hear you lost your mum. It must be hard to hear others not appreciating theirs when they still have them around.

You are right we should be grateful they are still with us (with the exception of abusive or damaging parents). But also if we haven’t had the support we needed from our mothers but then are offering it to them and it’s bloody draining we need a safe space to vent.

Plus this isn’t a thread about moaning old people or moaning elderly mothers, it’s about people in general who only see the negative and share those thoughts all the time. It is draining to be around. That doesn’t mean we should shun or ignore them. It doesn’t mean we should judge them. But it’s perfectly ok to vent on an anonymous forum about the impact it has on you and how to still support them (if that’s the right thing to do) but without burning out.

We catch each other’s emotional states. Just watch goggle box to see that. If we are constantly looking after and listening to someone who is negative and moaning then it can have a big impact. One strategy is to have a vent in a safe place. Please don’t judge people for that.

My mum needed my support through my worst and most traumatic experience. She has rarely been ‘my rock’. I love her and appreciate what she does bring to the relationship but she needs lots of emotional support which I’ve been offering since my teens and it’s hard work. I challenge her gently on it sometimes when I think she can take it and I listen and help but sometimes I have to avoid for my own well-being. I won’t feel guilty for that when she goes. I’m doing what’s right for our relationship and what will have the best chance of keeping us both emotionally well. Please don’t judge.

I have the same issue with a relative who I have somehow become a carer of. I love her dearly but the days when I look after her (take her shopping/keep her company etc) drain me so much, I end up then moaning to my husband about it when I get home, and therefore I become the whinger.
I feel better in a way knowing I'm not the only one silently screaming when I have to hear about how "no-one cares/why doesn't the doctor phone me to find out how I am/ why don't my other nieces and nephews phone me/ why is my balance so bad/ I'm ready to die, I've had enough" it's relentless.