I know this isn't very nice but I can't help it ...

[retroginglass]

I live very near my mum. I go and see her on a Saturday and phone ever day. Without doubt she will moan about not sleeping a wink (almost every night - she is a medical marvel), not feeling well or something. It is constant. She is now nearly 80 but this has been going on for as long as I can remember. I am so tired of listening to the constant moaning. My grown up children all visit her all the time so she is not lonely. They also phone her nearly every day. If we go out for lunch she will invariably moan about the place, the noise or something. Her latest gripe is politics and honestly the ranting and raving is getting me down. If I say I'm feeling under the weather she is ten times worse. I know she is attention seeking and my kids can just about bear it she is driving me mad. Any advice?

My MIL was the opposite, btw. Never moaned, even when she was living alone, far from any of us, and with fewer and fewer people in her life. She was so happy to see us/talk to us, and just wanted to hear about us and our lives. So it's not necessarily an age thing.

It's hard though. Think about it. If you're living alone, no job, maybe not well enought to go out/can't drive, how much of interest do yoou have to tell anyone about? You probably don't have anything positive to share.

@Lostmarbles2021 That is a good point about dominant thinking patterns. From now on I'm going to try to note my thinking/speaking and gently nudge it towards positives.

I work with someone very moany and it does get you down. I can't really go NC with her!

Was laughing at earlier post 'she could start an argument in an empty room' as this is spot on description of colleague. If anyone challenges her negativity (no sleep, it's too cold, no partner, ailments etc) she's always ready to spoil for a fight. It's pretty wearing.

She doesn't have many friends and I think this is why.

She's only in her 50s. It's no way to live life, is it?

Insomnia, especially at night is very common in old age and those hours alone can drag by so slowly. Give her a break for moaning about something that impacts her, I'm sure if you were up for several hours each night you would moan too.

Dear OP I was very lucky to have had a mom (SA) who adored me as her only child and put everything in her world aside for me. I am
Unlucky enough to have a surviving father who is your mom!! If I even mention the loss of my mom, it hit him harder, without even giving me the chance to speak, the loss of my mom to the violent and aggressive man is so much worse. Don't even tolerate this, I know it's hard but I say.. where do you want to eat? And if it's too hot, too cold, too cheap, I say well I'm enjoying it dad because you chose this and I'm spending time with you, what is not to like? Then I laughed and say I hope you're not moanning because I'm with you , if you are we can sort that....

This thread had just made me think i will not and must not become a cantankerous old pensioner if i can help it!

Ahh if you've been to Tenerife she's been to Elevenerife.

My Nanny is exactly the same. Just talks about her ailments all day and every day there's something new. Don't even mention the weather!!

There's only so much grey rocking you can do and if she's always done it you either need to suck it up for the remaining years she has left or change the way you deal with it as I imagine she will be stuck in her ways it won't change.

Or. You could ship her off on a cruise for however long I hear it's cheaper than a nursing home

Sounds familiar - had a relative do similar to my DM. Complain complain moan moan moan. Also dismiss any possible solutions then complain some more. To be honest a lot the complaints were also attention seeking because she was lonely. I did sympathise but as a say all possible solutions were shot down straight away.

Don’t put up with it. Either turn it around eg. If she’s moaning about having not slept - has she seen a doctor ? I’m assuming the answer will be no because she just wants to complain. Therefore you’d say

“Well if you won’t see a doctor there’s nothing to be done about it so I don’t want to hear any more on the subject.” This is what DM ended up doing.

Or simply “Oh well never mind - how about all this rain we are having ?”

She sounds like a pain in the neck. Why do you ring her every day, it sounds like way too much, I’m not surprised it’s getting to you.

This is gonna sound harsh but get over it, she's 80 she ain't gonna change now. My advise would be enjoy the time you have with her even if she's moaning, she's not gonna be around forever I learnt the hard way for this kind of situation.

I had a penfriend like that. After nearly 30 years I had to stop replying as her letters/emails were so negative. Nothing good ever seemed to happen to her and she had multiple health problems which I got chapter and verse on.

Mum was an attention seeker, even when we were kids, and everything had to revolve around her. Looking back I can see Dad kind of infantilised her and protected her too much which is not for healthy for anyone. He died before her and she lived for 18 months afterwards. Refused cancer treatment till it was too late.

I set boundaries as yes they not around forever but it could be years of it!! I do what I can but nobody can be with her 24/7. Its when she doesnt get her way moods start

Sounds like she’s depressed it might help if she spoke to other elderly people so they could all have a good Milan together. Can she join any clubs? Moaning can become a habit.
My ex partner was the same always moaning it used to really bring me down. Someone told me to paraphrase what he said. It did stop him in his tracts!
I’m sorry for you , I know how draining it can be. Good luck

@Blanketpolicy

Insomnia, especially at night is very common in old age and those hours alone can drag by so slowly. Give her a break for moaning about something that impacts her, I'm sure if you were up for several hours each night you would moan too.

Exactly! Younger people moan too, but they usually have a wider circle to moan to and a busier life to keep their minds focused on other things.

This was my mum to a tee, bless her ( she died last year during lockdown age 91). My mother had always been very controlling and hugely critical and hurtful toward myself and my sister, to the point where I needed therapy 4 years ago. The therapy also helped me to deal with the constant attention seeking & lies - eg” I’ve not spoken to anyone for 4 days” ( except my sister, her other daughter, who lived near mum, and several neighbors in her warden supervised block). Old people are NEVER going to change- I’m not suggesting you get therapy OP, but finding coping mechanisms to deal with older relatives is very helpful. In the end, the things that drove me mad about mum, were things I could deal with via coping mechanisms , id never have imagined that - I just thought I’d always have to put up with it.....I also got the GP to stick me on anti depressants for a while - whilst I was on those, everything she said just washed over me !!!

She sounds like my mom. It might be worth looking up histrionic as that's what my mom is. I don't think there's much you can do to change it as it's in built in her personality at 80 yo. But objectively understanding how she operates might help ( hence understanding histrionic people). For example when my sister got on a bus with my mom she knew instinctively my mom would seek attention. So when it did happen my sister instead of usually actively cringing inside, she just say back let my mom get on with it and it affected her less.
My mom is obsessed with our weight so she will normally moan about one of my siblings weight to me. I do find this extremely annoying and she just makes the atmosphere worse if you ask her to stop. I don't actually have a solution I think I thought I did when I started writing this 😂 but all I can say is I empathise with you and it's hard bloody work. Good on you and your kids for looking after her. xx

It is offensively ageist to say this is an "age thing" maybe think a bit more about what her life has been like - women now in their 70s and 80s have lived with ferocious sexism all their lives, weren't supposed to have interesting careers, did all the housework and childcare, were mostly married to men who were selfish in bed and out of it, who didn't lift a finger at home, and no one ever thanked these women for all the unpaid grunt work they did - maybe cut them a bit of slack now, how jolly would you be if this had been your life? Try to remember how much women's lives have changed for the better none of which she would have benefitted from.

Madisonbridges, I agree that is concerning behaviour, a friend’s mother does this since she has had dementia.

It's only potentially an age thing, in the sense that life shuts down a lot if age-related health things kick in, you're less mobile, and your social life starts to be minimal because your friends are dying or also can't get out.

I have three relatives in their 80s and 90s and none of them are like this. One because she's always had a sunny nature, one because she actively likes being alone, and the other because she's one of those people with loads of interests. None of them live with pain either. So they each manage to live alone and get older more positively than the average person.

Who knows how I'll be? I imagine it will depend on my quality of life and ability to be independent and fill my life with stuff.

@speakupattheback

Try listening and giving a shit?

Rude.

Do you have siblings? Leave it to them. If not get a carer to go in once a day if needs be.

I have a narcissist mother who abused me and I will not do a thing to help her now

To be honest I didn’t realise how many other people have similar experiences! My mum is the same but none of my friends have similar situations (maybe with in-laws etc).

My mum complains about everything, the neighbours, the man down the road, the person at the supermarket. She been like this for years so I listen when I can but mostly zone out and see her about every 2-4 weeks.

Many old people moan because they've heard the clock ticking and they feel they're in the second half of the game. I think it's partly convincing themselves life isn't really much to lose. My SO can turn any remark into a negative rant but he's chronic depressive. It's exhausting.

Suck it up!
my mam is 91 and just the same.
If I'm dying shes dead. If I'm tired she's much more tired. If I'm in pain she's in agony. Shes lonely, shes bored, I go two or three times a week, I phone every day at least once. I am one of five and live the farthest. Like I said suck it up it dont get any better. Don't let her walk all over you, standup for yourself when you need to and if your in a mood dont go, I get snappy and sometimes need to check myself

Funny enough I’m at my mum’ now and she is moaning. Asking me to tell my sister that my nephew is too overweight and needs to loose weight.

I said it’s none of my business - and now she’s having a go and saying I should say something some it is my business (family). 🤦🏽‍♀️

Ps. Of course I won’t!