I know this isn't very nice but I can't help it ...

[retroginglass]

I live very near my mum. I go and see her on a Saturday and phone ever day. Without doubt she will moan about not sleeping a wink (almost every night - she is a medical marvel), not feeling well or something. It is constant. She is now nearly 80 but this has been going on for as long as I can remember. I am so tired of listening to the constant moaning. My grown up children all visit her all the time so she is not lonely. They also phone her nearly every day. If we go out for lunch she will invariably moan about the place, the noise or something. Her latest gripe is politics and honestly the ranting and raving is getting me down. If I say I'm feeling under the weather she is ten times worse. I know she is attention seeking and my kids can just about bear it she is driving me mad. Any advice?

I cant speak my whole family have a habit of cutting you off mid sentence. My mother is terrible for it, I try five or six times to get the sentence out then have to shout over her mam let me bloody speak! Sometimes I give up but sometimes I need to tell her something important like how to reheat food or take medication, it can be very draining. I also notice that when I say something it's like I'm not there she just carries on talking about herself but she is 91

Mine is the same. Has had a cushy life never worked no money problems but she had it worse than everyone !

Not always the case, but sometimes I think it’s something to do with living alone. My mother and MIL definitely used to ‘fester’ and become a bit fixated on things as they had no one to diffuse/dilute the issue at source so when they have your attention, out it all comes!

Having said that, it’s possibly just their personality. My MIL used to moan endlessly that her doctor’s surgery “don’t care about you if you’re old” but when they invited her in regularly to review her diabetes and medication, she would grumble, “Why can’t they leave me alone?!”

@DottyHarmer
That last paragraph about 'Bettys cousin's...aunt (or whatever) and Joan's nephew and space project, had me laughing out loud. Just my kind of humour. Thanks.

@Lostmarbles2021

Nail on head and beautifully put.

Yup. My DM is exactly the same. I recall, as a child, hating having to visit my DGM as she just moaned constantly. My mum has now turned into DGM. It's like being in a room with a Dementor

So your DM, your DGM and in a few years time you?

We all watch ourselves turning into our parents to a greater or lesser degree. That is the good bits and the bad bits. Perhaps the moaning is a two way conversation.

All those insisting its "age" are presumably prepared for the moment they turn into these moaners themselves. If its age, they surely will moan in their turn.

All I would say is my mum was 81 and passed away last week. She was very lonely after my dad died and I called her almost every day.she complained a bit, maybe not as much as yours but I would do anything to have her back. Humour her and make a fuss of her whilst you have her. You never know when she will No longer be with you!!

Hi 💜

My mum passed away last week. She was 87, and in terrible health.
I had to take a break from seeing her and calling so often, which now I regret.

I couldn’t handle trying to support her as well as keeping myself alive and in therapy.

She was incredible, selfless and kind. All my life I was her protector, from my dad. When he died, she found her voice. she would moan loudly about the service and food in restaurants, tell me I’d put on weight, tell me to get my hair cut, and every conversation would end up like a therapy session going over the same things about my dad, that I ended up in therapy for. She was in hospital so frequently and for months at a time I couldn’t always get in to see her. She was completely blind and deaf when she passed.
She never complained about being ill. She was quite matter of fact about it. But everything else…oh boy.

My advice to you is to ask yourself what you would need in her position. If she raised a large family, and now you’ve all left, she might be feeling lost and knows she will get attention if she offloads onto you. She might not be feeling needed anymore, too.
If you need a break, take one. If it’s Monday, say “I’ll call you on Wednesday, I want to crack on with the housework and read a book/take an online course” etc. I’ve found they take it personally if you say you want a few hours quiet time to yourself.

Then add another day to do something else. Whatever you’re comfortable with.

Give her a hug and reassure her you love her. And get a photo of you both together.

💜

Typical visit, can you (move heavy item of furniture) no sorry mam I have bad back remember, response well I will have to do it myself then. I would then move it hurt myself throw up be in paint for days.
Now
mam, can u,
Me, NO!
Mam, oh well I do myself,
Me CRACK ON then!

Pain not paint

My Nan was the exact same as this, and my Mum just would take it all from her, and then whinge to me about it to me afterwards, so I got double helpings of moaning! Everything was about her, no matter anyone else's troubles she was worse off, looked down her nose at people, judgemental and negative about everything.

I just started being firm, like with a toddler. 'If you haven't got anything nice to say then please don't say anything because I don't want to hear it' and so on. If she criticised someone's weight/clothes/appearance I'd remind her that she wasn't exactly Cindy Crawford herself

I'd leave the room / house / table if necessary. I don't know if it really had much impact on her but it was certainly better for me to distance myself from it.

@Wingedharpy

I think they call this emotional vomiting OP. When you see or speak to her, she offloads all her angst and worries on to you. You leave, worn out and exhausted, she feels loads better for having offloaded. You could try the " get your happy head out Mother 'cos you're depressing me" approach or, reduce contact to save your sanity. Good luck.

This is brilliant. I know I do this and this thread has helped me see the impact it can have. My Polish friend says no-one asks how you are in Poland as a niceity like we do here. They only ask if they genuinely want to know.

My mum is just the same. I have the landline on speakerphone and just get on with jobs for 59 mins, 59 seconds. First thing every morning so I am on autopilot really. She is nearly 92. Avid gardener so of course she never gets enough rain ! Etc, etc. Why are other people also getting winter fuel allowance when it should be just her as she is on pension credit, ( I dare not tell her that my husband has just got £200 winter fuel allowance along with his state pension and bus pass !!! ) All these people coming into the country and taking our resources, etc. And so it goes on.
Yet, she can be really kind and knits for all her 12 great grandchildren. She just sounds so different on the phone to real life!
The problem is that our landline is broken, won't be fixed for a week and my mobile ( £5 ) cannot do speakerphone !!!!

My mum was the same. I used to just turn off when she started. Trouble is she had her usual moan and groan on the Thursday over the phone and I told her don't worry I am sure you will feel better tomorrow. Next day she was in hospital and at the end of the week dead. I still feel awful about how I spoke to her but was the case of crying wolf. I am now starting to get to the aches and pain age but I don't tell my DC if I feel a bit down or Mrs so and so down the road is winding me up. I had one grumpy gran and one who was always happy and smiling and when I depart from this place I want to be remembered as the smiling one.

Boundaries! It’s not easy, but if you want to stop her behaviour affecting yours and your family’s life, you will have to set boundaries. Be clear what sort of behaviour you will accept and what you won’t.
Be frank and tell her how her behaviour is affecting you and your family’s life.
Speak with her at a time when you are happy and calm, and set at least one hour uninterrupted time to discuss the matter with her. Be firm but kind and loving. It’s not about telling her how to do things, but about what you are expecting and are prepared to accept as a reasonable behaviour. Ask her what she feels she gains from her complaining to you, and whether you can both think of a way she can find solution to each of her frustrations once a week when you meet.
Of course, some people just moan and complain about everything and anytime (having a problem for every solution!🤣), but even if she is that way inclined, she has to understand that this is affecting your life and that is not right.
Just like when managing children and training them for adult life, do not let her push the boundaries.
Best of luck. xx

Make the most of your mums.
Moaning or not. You never know when you are going to lose them.
Mine passed away two weeks ago.
I miss her so much. The pain of losing her is almost physical.

Wow. This post has made me feel so much better about my mum! I thought I was alone in experiencing this and feeling so worm down by it!
Emotional vomiting- such a good phrase!
Thanks all

I've got some advice OP.

Accept your mum for who she is. Always make a fuss of her, do nice things with her and for her. Laugh with her, make her feel loved and listen to her "moan" without moaning back.

I'd give my right arm to be able to hear my mum's voice again but very sadly, she passed away last Friday. Suddenly and alone. It hurts so badly to have lost her 😢💔

Just love her, OP, because one day, she won't be there anymore xx

I am so sorry @rosedrop, @Nicolew1188 and @trixie1970 for the loss of your mums
You are right, we must love our mums just the way they are.
Just this last week my mum has been feeling nauseous on waking up every day. I just hope it is an old (92) age thing.

My mother was like this. Yes I was sad when she died but I have no regrets about taking space from her in order to cope with her negativity.

That a person dies eventually (we all do) does not mean you need to sacrifice your mental health by drowning in their depressing personality. It's possible to love them and also keep yourself well.

@50ShadesOfCatholic

My mother was like this. Yes I was sad when she died but I have no regrets about taking space from her in order to cope with her negativity.

That a person dies eventually (we all do) does not mean you need to sacrifice your mental health by drowning in their depressing personality. It's possible to love them and also keep yourself well.

Very sensible post.

@50ShadesOfCatholic

My mother was like this. Yes I was sad when she died but I have no regrets about taking space from her in order to cope with her negativity.

That a person dies eventually (we all do) does not mean you need to sacrifice your mental health by drowning in their depressing personality. It's possible to love them and also keep yourself well.

Spot on

My 38 year old sister is like that OP. Always moaning and I find myself trying to avoid calling her. We live in different countries and after every call, where she talks 90% of the time I'm exhausted. She talks over you, doesn't listen, complains then same again next time.

If you want advice here is mine:
There are no words for how much I miss my mum (and dad). Was she wonderful? No. Did she have faults (many) yes.
Would I give a small fortune to speak to her again and tell her how much I love her? Oh yes!
People can be aggravating, old people especially so. They are precious and it’s awful when they’re gone

Some of the posts here saying just put up with it because one they they’ll be dead are quite patronising and minimising.

I have no contact with my parents as they were abusive, but before I cut them off the whinging really affected my mental health. I have a friend who was at complete breaking point because of her demanding mother and her constant misery. My friend has wanted to die herself at times, it’s been that bad. So no, you don’t just have to love them and listen and put up with them whilst your own mental health deteriorates just because they’ll die one day or because someone else is sad that they don’t have their mum anymore. Fuck that.