I know this isn't very nice but I can't help it ...

[retroginglass]

I live very near my mum. I go and see her on a Saturday and phone ever day. Without doubt she will moan about not sleeping a wink (almost every night - she is a medical marvel), not feeling well or something. It is constant. She is now nearly 80 but this has been going on for as long as I can remember. I am so tired of listening to the constant moaning. My grown up children all visit her all the time so she is not lonely. They also phone her nearly every day. If we go out for lunch she will invariably moan about the place, the noise or something. Her latest gripe is politics and honestly the ranting and raving is getting me down. If I say I'm feeling under the weather she is ten times worse. I know she is attention seeking and my kids can just about bear it she is driving me mad. Any advice?

My dad is just like this and I just tell him now I'm fed up biting my tongue

The whole family run round after him snd he is ungrateful and full of his own importance

My sister refuses to go now she says it gets her down and I'm close to doing the same

Why are some people like this? Seriously! cannot imagine EVER being like this - currently middle aged.

We had years this. Its beyond exhausting!! She 80

Oh well. As the saying goes, Girls turn into their mothers and Boys their Fathers.
By the way you are all bitching you've started already.
I wish my Mum was still here.

It isn’t an age thing, my mum is only 60 and has been like this for as long as I can remember. Moans about her husband, her friends, work, the weather, not getting to do what she wants when she works 1 day a week and has various days out a week. It is exhausting, I leave her house in tears a lot of the time because it is so draining.

Whereas my grandma died at 75 having suffered for decades with various ailments and I never once heard her complain, always had a happy smile on her face.

@DottyHarmer

So people can’t discuss their elderly parents or in-laws? It’s a fact of life that people decline with age, both mentally and physically.

95-year-olds driving around, doing ten-mile walks and wotnot are both outliers and lucky . As a pp observed, it is rare to live to 100 with full physical and mental faculties and then peacefully die in your sleep.

Being in a family involves interacting with people of all ages and the challenges those ages bring. Moaning seems to be a challenge which does come with the ageing territory. Trying to shut down a supportive thread is horrible too.

No one is saying you can't discuss our relatives, whatever their ages. Nor is anyone trying to shut down a thread. They are simply pointing out, rightly, that being a moaner is not a characteristic of old age, as people of all ages do it; conversely, there are plenty of old people who don't moan. Restricting your argument to 95 and 100 year olds is highly misleading, as blatantly that is not the sort of person being described in this thread.

A lot of the "isn't this ageist" crew are missing the point - the question is what it's like for people with Mothers and Fathers like this

I don't doubt there are a lot of absolutely lovely 80/90/100 year olds out there, but for whatever reason people always moan more to their family than they do to their friends/neighbours. For that family, it's very draining when that happens.

I've seen it far too often where the "lovely lady next door" was an absolute raging bastard to their nearest and dearest despite outward appearances. I'm personally convinced a fair bit comes with age and the severity is down to social factors - have some hobbies, maintain friendships, if possible stay physically active and, as others have said, try to take positivity from life.

I will concede there are also some lovely elderly folk who are an absolute pleasure to deal with, regardless of what life throws at them, always there with a smile for everyone, barreling along the street having a ball at 90. But in my experience these people are sadly much less common than the 'woe is me' (or as a PP said, the Daily Mail) crowd. If your mother or father is one of the jolly ones, treasure them even more

It's not ageist! My grandmother on one side is exactly the same way. She is draining & will trap you for hours going on about her medical issues.

She is very traditional & in our culture I see now the guilt & duty they lay on you to worship them as grandparents.

Surely if you were ranting on to someone you'd notice that the felt uncomfortable & were trying to escape? Why would you continue on at them for hours, when it was obvious they were uncomfortable but too polite to run away?! It's not ageist, not all old people are like this. Just selfish ones.

I honestly can't wait for this grandmother to finally die, as she has been going on about it my whole life! Am so over it & her, as she's caused me to want to avoid family gatherings & guilt trips me that I don't visit enough. Who would want to visit someone like this?

Ironically she is now riddled with cancer & can't bring myself to care, because she's always said she's sick anyway!

My other grandmother isn't like this at all & much more fun spirited, takes an interest in me as a person, so as a result feel much closer to her & genuinely love her.

A lot of the "isn't this ageist" crew are missing the point - the question is what it's like for people with Mothers and Fathers like this

No, they aren't. People really don't understand what ageism means. Of course you can complain about an individual who happens to be elderly, just as much as you can complain about any other people of any age. It becomes ageist when you say that all or most elderly people are like that; or whenyou attribute, in this instance, a tendency to moan to being old when the reality is that the cause is simply that the person concerned is and always has been a moaner.

So people can’t discuss their elderly parents or in-laws?

Of course they can.

Bu please do not declare that ALL older people have the same characteristics due to their age = ageism.

No one said all old people are moaners. But age often exacerbates things, and one of those things might be moaning.

We might say, “Oh, toddlers!” and know that it refers to some typically challenging toddler behaviour. Of course not all toddlers go through the terrible twos. My dcs were perfect (preen) but conserving energy for the terrible teens (not preen).

@2Two

I dont like the calls never to discuss age

No one is saying don't discuss age, any more than we might say don't discuss race, disability etc. The point is to think a bit before making these sweeping pejorative generalisations. As this thread illustrates, moaning definitely is not the sole province of elderly people, nor are all old people moaners.

No, not all old people are moaners, but most people experience deterioration is their bodies, which affects their daily lives, so even just living with that would likely make people more short tempered and down. Add to that more worrying and anxiety which seems to be common with age, memory problems, deterioration of hearing and sight, having to come to terms with lots of changes, such as new technologies, more things being online etc, so it is difficult getting old and we should probably have more compassion for the elderly and their daily struggles, both mental and physical. It can be draining, but they once looked after us when we equally draining in a different way as children.

My mother is this and more…we no longer speak

I can’t relate..but feel very lucky if this is so common.

My mum is 81. She’s great company, occupies herself with a variety of things and has loads of friends. She often cooks for me & I even play golf with her.

Mine is 90 and the same. She is highly critical and nothing is ever good enough except one of my mentally ill siblings who is verbally abusive to her!

Do you want to still be doing this in 10 years? Cut back on the calls, dont tell her everything that goes on and dont be her punchback. Try things like “give me a call back when you are feeling better”.

You won’t change her now as she’s taken a lifetime and is now hard boiled. My mum is the same but nasty with it so I blank her and cut back on time spent with her. I have a life too. Don’t regret wasted years as she’s had her life. As Philip Larkin’s famous poem ‘This be the verse’ goes:
They f* you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were f*ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

That’s a very bleak picture you are all painting ( except packed in…) my mum had loads of ways of offloading, old age is not for sissies and if they can’t moan at you who can they? True it’s not very wise, but you can speak the truth to them without being utterly unsympathetic.
How I remember how I used to feel spread so thin, with demands of partner, children and mother and work. Where was me ? I’d gasp. Be careful what you wish for. Best to be plain speaking and keep in regular contact. You’re doing well.

Feel for you. My mum was like this from day one it feels to me always wanting attention and sympathy felt like an insurance policy for her old age. Played me off with my sister too. I decided to withdraw and have terminated all contact. Only miss the mum I needed and didn't have and too much water under the bridge for me and my sister. For your mental health just withdraw from this toxic relationship.

My dear mum is the same. She has been waiting for Jesus for the last 10 years...I keep telling her that the way she is carrying on, Jesus will definitely not want to come for her. I also remind her that she should quite moaning as some elderly people have died way younger than their time due to covid....makes no blind difference to her constant winging and moaning. 🙄🙄

Like everyone else, my mum is exactly the same. The kids (both adults) & I have played ‘Nan bingo’ in front of her. We have tried everything. She has made so many selfish demands & used emotional blackmail so often, that it has got to the point where I have had to distance myself from her for my own sanity. It has been the best decision I have ever made.

I'll keep it short. She's not going to change and you need to ring her less.

I hope my mum is able to moan to me until she's 80!

I'd just change the subject or ask her to give it a rest.

Some people are just moaners. But when they get really old, they have fewer friends to moan to, so the family gets it all.

I've just been on my local FB page. Everyone on there is moaning about something. They love it. They're mostly (going by their photos) in their 40s. They're going to be great when they're 80 or so and confined to home.

I was thinking this about my own mum one day then realised I'm the only person she talks to daily. I give my little gripes to my kids, friends on sm, dh and work. If I stored them all up I'd definitely let the person who was talking to me have them all. She probably hates it but cant help it. I'd say one day we'll all be the same!! (But dont ring everyday if it does get you down)

It sounds like your mum has depression which is highly likely if she's not sleeping well. I would be inclined to encourage her to see a GP, not easy at the moment I know, but would be a good start.