I don't know what to do anymore

[LostyMcLostHead]

I just feel like giving in, and I don't even know what I mean by that.

I don't know where to start.

About five two years ago I started to have an existential crisis. I felt depressed and angry and hopeless. So I read up on it.
I made changes to improve my health - diet, sleep, exercise, mindfulness, supplements, nature etc. I set up a successful gardening-based volunteering group that gets me and other members out in to a peaceful community garden. It wins awards.

The rage and hopelessness are still there. Everything feels pointless.

I had a job that was extremely well-paid but had become a bit of a bullshit job. It was no longer meaningful, I had a shitty colleague and no help from our line manager (who went off long term with stress) so I left.

This helped for a few weeks, but soon the rage and hopelessness were back. Only now I don't have a salary coming in.

I've tried out other jobs this year, taking short term or zero-hour contracts to explore different workplaces. Some aspects of the jobs are good, but large organisations are bureaucratic, inefficient and nobody challenges this. My managers are either stressed out or incompetent. They are often on sick. I have no agency even though I have experience and knowledge about the work. I'm now fat, middle-aged and patronised.

I tried and tried to get HRT, and finally got to someone who would listen. I'm on week 3 and the fucking patches wrinkle up. I thought this would be the answer to my problems, but so far it isn't. I'm losing hope.

Earlier this week I left one of my latest jobs after realising the boredom and lack of agency was making me feel bad again. Wednesday I felt great. Today I feel terrible. I'm still in bed and it's gone 9am.

Then on top of me having little money coming in there's Covid and Brexit and Climate Change. I'm cold and I don't want to put the heating on due to money. I am not even comfort eating. I have no interest in food.

I know I sound depressed. I have a therapist and have been in therapy for years. I actually trained as a therapist for four years. Have spent thousands of pounds. Yet here I am. In bed and crying, feeling hopeless and angry. I can't understand how people are getting up and getting through each day. Why bother?

Everything about your post screams "worsening symptoms of depression" that is massively impacting on your ability to function

Book a GO appointment today - an urgent one. Make yourself get there and let the tears & hopelessness out

Your GP may want to refer you to crisis team but will definitely want to put you straight on anti depressants

Get them on the way home from chemist and start them straight away

You're brain isn't firing properly so you need this help

GP not GO

Oh, and I've left the fucking voting thing on.

I feel better for getting it out though.

I know that this will wind a lot of people up but I really don't want to take anti-depressants.

I got out of bed, but not showered. I sat in the garden well wrapped up with a cup of tea.

You would take ibuprofen for period pains though, why not anti depressants OP. You sound as though you've done absolutely everything right to help yourself but maybe the time has come for a medical intervention. You may not need them for long, sometimes it just helps to push you back up into a space where life seems less hopeless. Sending love and strength xx

Maybe go back and get the gels instead of the patches. It would be a shame to get so far down the HRT route and not get the relief you need, if you don't want to take anti depressive drugs but you did want to explore HRT then id head back down that route.

Also sending you a big hug it's hard at the moment to adjust and you sound like someone who is willing to keep trying, I admire that.

Sounds like menopause symptoms to me, they can make you really anxious and depressed and like you are not you any more. HRT isn’t magic fix for everyone.

Either you try more meds or wait it out while feeling bloody awful. Many threads on here about starting anti depressants you would get lots of support. Have you talked therapist about why meds are a no no?

Thank you. I'm glad I bumped the thread from p2.

I'm quite relieved (and obviously weepy) to hear that you still think there's a chance it could be menopausal. It is pretty impossible to get a GP appointment at the moment. I am still waiting to get appointments for a smear due in September and a dodgy mole removed that the GP has requested. However I do have a 3-month menopause clinic appointment booked in for November. (It won't be 3 months because it took me so long to the get the prescription okey-ed by my GP).

I lay in bed and asked myself, "well, what if you did give up and this was your last day?" and decided to live my day that way. Hence the sitting in the cold sunshine. And I've just paired up some socks.

Thank you for your kind words.

@LostyMcLostHead

I got out of bed, but not showered. I sat in the garden well wrapped up with a cup of tea.

This sounds just brilliant (it's cold but clear and sunny here).

I think you need to be kinder to yourself, and adjust your timeframe as to how long it can take to feel more accepting of what we're doing in our lives.

You sound incredibly successful, and as though you've always been successful, and people like this have ridiculously high standards for themselves, far higher than those they accept from others.

Look at what you've done with the community garden- do not underestimate how much pleasure and meaning a project like that gives to other participants who have benefited from your hard work to establish it.

Good lord you should not have to wait so long for contact with a GP. I went on HRT in the summer, had a review and switched to gel instead of patches, all done over the phone (though I did go in to get blood pressure checked by a nurse). It's not acceptable to wait months if the current medication isn't working. I found mine wrinkled too - so how can you be getting enough medication? - and at first tried Tegaderm patches to hold them in place (available on Amazon or in chemist) but they had a reaction with my skin, might be good for you though - absolutely no wrinkling!
I took St John's wort for a while and liked its effect too.

I found the patches too weak, the gel & pills are more effective.

My existential depression only really disappeared when I had kids (not recommending that though!). But it was having something else to care about, a reason for being perhaps. Anyway I was going to suggest a pet might help. Many people say having a dog and reason to go for a walk every day changed their lives. But even a low maintenance cat to cuddle helps I think.

You sound incredibly successful, and as though you've always been successful, and people like this have ridiculously high standards for themselves, far higher than those they accept from others.

That is embarrassingly accurate. Food for thought.

Thank you everyone for your further thoughts and experiences of HRT.

My existential depression only really disappeared when I had kids Yes. I have good friends, but they have young children and so much less time than I have for seeing each other. Having children certainly seems to give structure to people's week.
I used to have dogs, they meant the world to me, but dogs die and life happens... Everyone tells me I should get another one, but I don't know...

That is embarrassingly accurate. Food for thought.

Um yes, I can't imagine how I intuited that!

I think life is telling you to be self-employed, OP.

Do the crappy jobs only until your new business or venture is viable. For what my random internet opinion is worth.

I've been on anti depressants for 21 years and HRT made me have periods every 3 weeks so I stopped. I used to be a lawyer. Just gave up & walked away. Am also on the brink of leaving the community gardening group because it's too much pressure. This is by way of saying: I understand how you feel. I really do but I'm in no position to advise.
The only thing I can say is please look into getting a dog from a local shelter. So many dogs need rescuing, having been bought during lockdown by people who didn't have a clue. There's a dog out there whose life you will transform and who you will love & want to care for. It's not the be all & end all, I realise, but you might help each other.

Honestly, I think you should try antidepressants. Even just give yourself a month and see how it goes. There's no point doing battle with a chemical imbalance that's ruining your life, when medication could sort it. It's not an admission of failure, just a sensible solution to a problem.

You may want to have a look on this thread from earlier this year.

to ask if you are depressed but don't take antidepressants, how do you manage your symptoms? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4165465-to-ask-if-you-are-depressed-but-dont-take-antidepressants-how-do-you-manage-your-symptoms

Not being patronising here but you sound pretty amazing. You've achieved so many things that a lot of people couldn't even dream of.

I understand your reluctance to take anti-depressants. Personally, I won't touch a drug without a good few diagnostic sessions of what's going on. I have had a few dramatic failures with medicines prescribed without sufficient knowledge.

On the other hand, the correct medication could really free you from the hideous weight of what's going on in your head. Can you access an appointment with a Psychiatrist or a Psychologist and take it from there?

I really think you have a good chance of getting your 'oomph' back. You sound like a wonderful, intelligent, talented person who just needs a bit of help. Don't give up x

(Have you tried using extra sticking plaster strips over your patches?)

I think life is telling you to be self-employed, OP.

I would love to have a project to throw myself in to, but I don't know what to do. I fear that I've become workshy. I've lost all of my drive and ambition :(

@Owlink thank you for sharing, I'm sorry this all strikes a chord. There are two barriers to me getting a dog. Firstly, the only nearby 'dogs' home' is one where all of the dogs come from the Romanian Kill Shelters. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Also, I did a bit of volunteering there and the dogs are a big commitment. They are full grown and not quite toilet trained, lead trained or accustomed to humans. Secondly, it feels like something I cannot commit to when I'm not sure what my work patterns are going to look like.

What kind of jobs have you had? We could maybe point you in the direction of self-employed options.

@UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername

Honestly, I think you should try antidepressants. Even just give yourself a month and see how it goes. There's no point doing battle with a chemical imbalance that's ruining your life, when medication could sort it. It's not an admission of failure, just a sensible solution to a problem.

I agree with Utterly that you should consider giving them a try. I’m diagnosed with GAD and honestly, anti-anxiety medication has transformed my life. I’ve been able to take breaks from it as well, but if I need it, it’s there for me.

A-D’s in the correct dosage/type that’s suited to you ( and you may need to try a few) don’t turn you into a zombie, they allow you to be yourself by correcting the chemical imbalance. I’m “me” on my medication, happy, friendly and able to cope with life, instead of a sleep-deprived, anxious mess. Talk it over with you GO and just consider them as a possible option.

*GP😂

Not being patronising here but you sound pretty amazing.

I feel like a dreadful failure really, or at least a dried out husk. All I want to do is read, walk or sleep. I look forward to sleeping because being conscious is so painful. It's exhausting just doing normal every day behaviours or relationships.

I really think you have a good chance of getting your 'oomph' back. You sound like a wonderful, intelligent, talented person who just needs a bit of help. Don't give up x

Your encouragement and kindness made me sob. A big, ugly sob. I don't feel wonderful at all.

Antidepressants - I just read so much about people struggling to come off them or putting on weight or this and that. I hate not being in control.

Thing is, OP, I feel more in control when I’m on medication, because my anxiety’s under control, IYSWIM. When I’m anxious, I can’t sleep, I have racing thoughts, cry a lot, etc….so you can imagine how miserable that is!

When I’m not anxious, I’m well-rested and can think rationally so I feel far more in control of my life.

Re. Weight. I’m 8 1/2 stone, size 8-10. I was a 6-8 until my 40’s but I don’t think the extra five pounds are really related to my medication, it’s a slowing metabolism and a liking for good food/wine. 🤣

It’s just one tool you can turn to, not saying you have to.