I don't know what to do anymore

[LostyMcLostHead]

I just feel like giving in, and I don't even know what I mean by that.

I don't know where to start.

About five two years ago I started to have an existential crisis. I felt depressed and angry and hopeless. So I read up on it.
I made changes to improve my health - diet, sleep, exercise, mindfulness, supplements, nature etc. I set up a successful gardening-based volunteering group that gets me and other members out in to a peaceful community garden. It wins awards.

The rage and hopelessness are still there. Everything feels pointless.

I had a job that was extremely well-paid but had become a bit of a bullshit job. It was no longer meaningful, I had a shitty colleague and no help from our line manager (who went off long term with stress) so I left.

This helped for a few weeks, but soon the rage and hopelessness were back. Only now I don't have a salary coming in.

I've tried out other jobs this year, taking short term or zero-hour contracts to explore different workplaces. Some aspects of the jobs are good, but large organisations are bureaucratic, inefficient and nobody challenges this. My managers are either stressed out or incompetent. They are often on sick. I have no agency even though I have experience and knowledge about the work. I'm now fat, middle-aged and patronised.

I tried and tried to get HRT, and finally got to someone who would listen. I'm on week 3 and the fucking patches wrinkle up. I thought this would be the answer to my problems, but so far it isn't. I'm losing hope.

Earlier this week I left one of my latest jobs after realising the boredom and lack of agency was making me feel bad again. Wednesday I felt great. Today I feel terrible. I'm still in bed and it's gone 9am.

Then on top of me having little money coming in there's Covid and Brexit and Climate Change. I'm cold and I don't want to put the heating on due to money. I am not even comfort eating. I have no interest in food.

I know I sound depressed. I have a therapist and have been in therapy for years. I actually trained as a therapist for four years. Have spent thousands of pounds. Yet here I am. In bed and crying, feeling hopeless and angry. I can't understand how people are getting up and getting through each day. Why bother?

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I'm inclined to say that you might need anti depressants / better HRT. Also if you want a dog, get a dog. Yes, they die. But so do people. That's not a reason not to do it.

I don't think you are self-indulgent or need to pull yourself together or anything like that. Mental illness or poor wellbeing are just as serious and real as physical illness.

Try and work out what it is that is swilling round your head all the time and bringing you down. Try and limit the time you will entertain these thoughts, say by writing them down at the beginning or end of the day. Plan your day but don't plan too many things that are too difficult, so if going to a cardio class is something you feel you should rather than want to do, go for a walk instead. Finding the joy really is as simple as things like being grateful for what you have (even just hot running water is such a luxury that we take for granted), or simple pleasures like fresh sheets, a homemade cake, talking a walk in the forest, contacting a friend, lighting a nice smelling candle, planning a trip, cleaning/organising an area of your home, creating something, gardening, a good film or book, having a nice lunch/dinner with your partner. I find keeping busy helps, not overwhelmed but just planning things I want to achieve and getting them ticked off the list daily. For someone with severe depression that could be brushing your teeth and getting dressed for someone with anxiety that could be leaving the house every afternoon for example.

I recommend The CBT Handbook by Pamela Myles, it's simplistic and some people may feel its too basic but I found it really helpful and I have suffered for years with low self esteem and social anxiety.

The other thing I've realised over time is that barely anyone is unscathed in this life, everyone truly has their own demons, insecurities, pressures and negative thoughts. Sometimes when you feel awful you can't help but think everyone is having a lovely life apart from you and it's really so far from the truth.

No one on the Internet can really help you totally but I think the number of people who have come on to lift your spirits or sympathise is really lovely. People do genuinely care and I've been thinking about your post all day.

I hope you find some peace

P.s. I nearly didn't send this, because: its too long, I might have said the wrong thing, who am I to give advice, I doubt anything I say will be helpful, you'll think I'm stupid and so on. But what the hell, I did it anyway!

Idon't think you are self-indulgent or need to pull yourself together or anything like that. Mental illness or poor wellbeing are just as serious and real as physical illness.

I quite agree. And no one would hobble on a broken leg or use herbs for a heart attack. That was why I wondered why the OP seems insistent on avoiding medication in preference for introspection. But my comments were apparently unhelpful so I shall bow out.

"Ultimately I felt exploited by a major funder who wanted to "work in partnership" getting a large slice of the money for their consultancy/research whilst not wanting to step foot in the garden."

Ha - yeah, some consultancy/research places majorly take the piss! Who was the major funder, RHS? TCV? You don't need them though. Direct grassroots group applications are normally encouraged. The Lottery related ones are usually quite good in holding your hand through the process - TNL Community Fund perhaps? Sorry if you've already explored all that.

But yeah, the writing and rewriting is not exactly fun, and then you're in the cycle of always seeking more funding to continue your paid work... I'm looking for another job 😅

Anti depressants are like vitamins for the brain. Depression is a chemical deficiency that needs supplementing.
Don’t see it as a deficiency in character. A lot of high achievers need brain supplements. My pet theory is that we use far more brain chemicals so are more prone to deficiency. No scientific backup though.
Seriously though please consider some drug support. It doesn’t make you feel happier, just able to cope and work through the problem.

Apologies for not replying individually, some of you wrote really helpful and supportive messages that meant a lot when I read them.

I am just checking in to let you know that I am in a better place. I had a good session with my therapist and something really shifted for me. I still believe that life is ultimately pointless. I haven't found god or dog, but I just don't have that hopeless feeling around today.

A couple of you have suggested that I take up some kind of volunteering role. May I ask what benefits you see that bringing me that my gardening does not?

Interaction with others
The possibility of new friends
Working with others for a common good

Interaction with others
The possibility of new friends
Working with others for a common good

These are the reasons I'm going to look into it next year. The way I live is quite insular really. I figured that I might benefit from spending one day a week in the company of others with a common interest. Obviously can't say how it's worked out as haven't actually done it yet.
I also want to join a community garden project.

A couple of you have suggested that I take up some kind of volunteering role. May I ask what benefits you see that bringing me that my gardening does not?

When I was trying to recover from severe depression I worked at our local food bank for a year, which was run by a man who was signed off from work due to severe depression.
It helped because I felt useful at a time in life when I felt completely without worth or point. I knew I could go home and think: today I put together food packs for some people who are really struggling. I really enjoyed meeting people, putting them at ease, encouraging them to 'shop' by compiling a list of what they needed and then asking what extras they might like e.g. favourite herbs and spices. I remember once leaving the food bank and walking home, to find two young mums on the grass outside. They'd emptied the bags and were actually squealing with delight at what was inside. It made me so happy to have brought them such joy when they were struggling so badly.

As I mentioned previously my Christian faith gives my life the most significance. Having a relationship with God is what I believe we were made for.
For me the desire to help and volunteer is largely driven by that faith. I want to treat others the way I would like to be treated and show love.

We foster children and the change in them from arriving at our house to leaving has been phenomenal. Our current foster daughter has gone from self harming and crying every day to a happy, sassy 11 year old. Yes she still has issues, and has a therapist to help her deal with those, but it gives my life such significance to help in this way.
The UK is in desperate need of good foster carers, so it isn't something someone else would have done anyway. It is likely our FD would have moved through a series of short term placements throughout the rest of her childhood, suffering the trauma of leaving over and over again and never forming any real healthy family attachments.

We are getting further training to be short breaks foster carers, who take a child with high needs due to mental or physical disability for one or two nights a month to give their parents or carers a break. Again, this is something that there is a desperate need for. Families are at breaking point and they need someone to come alongside them and give them some space to recharge.

There is a group of us within our church who are seeking to help refugees. It's a group that has only just formed and our ideas and plans are very much in their infancy, but our church has raised a large sum of money and we are prayerful considering how best to serve and help. There are many other areas our church reaches into. Befriending the lonely, foodbanks, a community christmas dinner for anyone who wants it.

My traumatic childhood leads me to want to do whatever I can to make other children's childhoods and lives better. I feel like my bad experiences are being turned into something good. I honestly think the work we do has a lot of value and significance. I know I'm not going to fix the whole world, but I believe I can make the world of difference to the people we foster and reach out to. That drives me on and gives me energy. A reason to push forward through the difficult times and to look after myself mentally. I want to make the most of this short life and help as many people as I can, not get caught up in the buying of bigger and flashier things.

I also get a lot of significance from the relationships around me. It's important to me to be a good mother, wife and friend. It gives me purpose to set aside time to talk to my best friend who is going through a difficult time, or to take my son or daughter out for a meal and some one to one time.

When things were getting on top of me last year I started taking panic attacks. I was initially reluctant but I saw my GP who prescribed propranolol. I took a low dose for about 4 months and it broke this awful cycle I was in of not being able to sleep due to my heart racing, and then packing about my heart racing and so me not being able to get to sleep....

I'm sorry if my posts are all a big ramble. I hope you find something helpful in them.

NeverHome

I think the fostering work you do is wonderful and I can relate to giving your children/friend some quality one to one time. I agree that giving can give us a lot in return and I am going to look into volunteering next year.

But having said this, I also think you can give too much. Growing up I was a people pleaser and always felt noticed for things I did and not actually noticed for just being. Worse than this, I experienced abuse from those who should have known better. I slipped into work which was again about giving but in the end I finally realised that I could have been just anybody and not appreciated for what I put in and vastly undervalued (not aided by the fact that I undervalued myself).

The low sense of self worth I developed as a child has prompted me to choose questionable relationships. I am fairly avoidant and wary of people and choose my friends carefully these days. I would make very different choices now or choose to live alone with my dc.

I am still here.

I am yet again feeling like I did when I started this thread in October. I quit the last job back in December and am now gel HRT.