I don't know what to do anymore

[LostyMcLostHead]

I just feel like giving in, and I don't even know what I mean by that.

I don't know where to start.

About five two years ago I started to have an existential crisis. I felt depressed and angry and hopeless. So I read up on it.
I made changes to improve my health - diet, sleep, exercise, mindfulness, supplements, nature etc. I set up a successful gardening-based volunteering group that gets me and other members out in to a peaceful community garden. It wins awards.

The rage and hopelessness are still there. Everything feels pointless.

I had a job that was extremely well-paid but had become a bit of a bullshit job. It was no longer meaningful, I had a shitty colleague and no help from our line manager (who went off long term with stress) so I left.

This helped for a few weeks, but soon the rage and hopelessness were back. Only now I don't have a salary coming in.

I've tried out other jobs this year, taking short term or zero-hour contracts to explore different workplaces. Some aspects of the jobs are good, but large organisations are bureaucratic, inefficient and nobody challenges this. My managers are either stressed out or incompetent. They are often on sick. I have no agency even though I have experience and knowledge about the work. I'm now fat, middle-aged and patronised.

I tried and tried to get HRT, and finally got to someone who would listen. I'm on week 3 and the fucking patches wrinkle up. I thought this would be the answer to my problems, but so far it isn't. I'm losing hope.

Earlier this week I left one of my latest jobs after realising the boredom and lack of agency was making me feel bad again. Wednesday I felt great. Today I feel terrible. I'm still in bed and it's gone 9am.

Then on top of me having little money coming in there's Covid and Brexit and Climate Change. I'm cold and I don't want to put the heating on due to money. I am not even comfort eating. I have no interest in food.

I know I sound depressed. I have a therapist and have been in therapy for years. I actually trained as a therapist for four years. Have spent thousands of pounds. Yet here I am. In bed and crying, feeling hopeless and angry. I can't understand how people are getting up and getting through each day. Why bother?

I agree with PP, it is my faith that gives me purpose.

Your community gardening project sounds amazing. I'm sure so many people reap such benefits from being outside in nature and from that sense of community. Well done!

I was going to post and draw out the example of a diabetic using insulin, but someone has already. Your brain may need more serotonin. Why disregard that?

I hear what you're saying about the Romanian rescue dogs, but there are so many other shelters out there, and dogs who are well house trained and calm.

I'm another one. Mega existential horrors all my life. What's the point. Why? Decades of therapy. Tried the travel cure, the booze cure, the exercise cure, the casual sex cure, the meditation cure. Nada. Nope. Still "me". Antidepressants for decades. Kids helped for a bit - then they hit tens/left home/grew up and I'm left with ... me. Successful (very) professionally but internally a miserable lost frantic mess. Abandoned everything 3 years ago. Slight uplift for a year or two then back to ... me.

Finally aged mid 50s in desperation and with therapist saying no you don't have it, I had an ADHD psychiatrist assessment and bingo. Oh the relief. I can't tell you.

How about Borrow my Doggy or the Cinnamon Trust? Involvement with dogs, as much or as little as you like x

How are doing op? Another one here who has experienced similar.

Diagnosed fairly recently with a condition relating to childhood trauma and low sense of self worth (after being misdiagnosed for many, many years). Currently receiving therapy. Main focus at the moment is learning to be kind to myself including compassionate self talk.

Tried HRT patches and they were a pain. I've heard the gel is much more user friendly so definitely worth pursuing. I know that I'm peri-menopausal but for various reasons, I am not currently taking HRT. The community garden project sounds great and interestingly enough, I plan to join one next year for health/mental health benefits. I also joined an environmental project pre dc - simple clearing tasks and found that a big help regarding my mental health.

I have dcs and I think I focus on their needs a lot in an attempt to distract myself from the ongoing existential feelings you describe. If I didn't have dc I would more than likely own a dog (but not currently working so it would work otherwise it could become a major stressor).

I have a hobby which has given life a bit of interest and sense of achievement and I'm hoping to improve my social life via it (won't be difficult as I have virtually no social life even pre lockdown). I have another hobby which I'm trying to turn into a small business (will earn very little and I'm fortunate I can do this) but it doesn't feel like working and gives me the feeling of being in control a bit more. I have always taken on jobs way below my ability due to mental health issues and don't want to return to just being an underpaid employee. Also faced workplace bullying, stress etc and been undervalued in the past.

Interesting you mentioned you trained as a therapist. I thought about this too then decided against it. I felt I was burnt out and done with helping others for the time being (previous job was in a caring type role). I'm hoping to do one day a week in a voluntary role to appease my giving nature but I have decided I need to draw the line on how much I give if that makes sense.

I think having portfolio type careers is on the increase now - people doing different things for income. It sounds like it would be worth exploring the gardening option or perhaps think around that and/or to other things that interest you now or interested you as a child. Then perhaps, as someone mentioned, turning it into a self-employed endeavour (especially if finances allow).

Interesting about your diagnosis speakupattheback I think one of my children is about to be diagnosed with ADHD and reading up briefly about it...much could relate to me but I wasn't officially diagnosed with this. I have noticed I become overwhelmed very easily. Can I ask what treatment is prescribed in terms of therapy etc.

Wishing you all the best op. You are not alone.

Sorry for the epic post!

@LostyMcLostHead

I think perhaps I’ve read too much by the likes of Gabor Mate and Johann Hari. Why presume there’s a chemical imbalance in my head when I’m just having a sane reaction to a crazy world?

Why presume that? Because you have diligently tried absolutely everything else.

I speak as a long term depressive, from teens until menopause. I now manage depression using all those tools you describe: exercise, meditation, nature, socialising, a bit of therapy, supplements, diet (sort of - should be better there), journalling, and doing something new regularly, as well as working only PT so it doesn't stress me too much. But the difference is, for me, those actions now work. For a long time they didn't, and the key clue was that relentless inner voice of angry chastisement. Nothing killed it. Anti-depressants did.

You are resisting a cure that works for many many people. Why?

Once it has broken the cycle, you can titrate off the medication very slowly and use all the well being skills you have to stay off for as long as possible. Think of it like a course of antibiotics. It will kill that merciless voice and give you a break from it and then you are starting your health regime without having to battle it every day.

It's not a failure to resort to ADs if you have tried everything else. It's a success.

As a PP said, the world is also wonderful and marvellous and joyful as well as screwed up and heading for burnout. Not feeling depressed helps us seek out, appreciate, value and focus on the good stuff instead of obsessing.

I mean, feel free to have a 'sane reaction' to a crazy world' but it is making you desperately unhappy for the majority of your waking life. You can't change the 'crazy world' to fit it to your specifications so wanting to or expecting to is a fast-track to misery. I'm not suggesting to live the rest of your days in a blissful muffled brainfog of Citalopram. Just a short intervention.

How are doing op?

Not great. Better than yesterday though. I really appreciate you asking and I appreciate your epic post.

I got myself to that class last night, and did feel better for it. I got chatting to a man outside who was also trying it for the first time, and it turned out I actually know the instructor from way back, so it was nice chatting to her too. She's had a tough lockdown so it felt good to give her some space to talk after the class.

I know some of you think I'm being wrongheaded about this but I do not want to take antidepressants and I do not find it helpful to be told I am wrong and that I should start medication.

I have had blood tests for the usual suspects - thyroid, iron etc. a couple of times.

@speakupattheback thank you, your post really resonated. DP has had a recent diagnosis for ADD. I don't think I have, but I will look in to it. What has come from you getting your diagnosis?

Sorry not to reply to everyone, there were other really meaningful and touching replies. My head's just a bit scrambled.

Can I just say, I’m pretty bloody impressed by you holding it together, even though I’m sure it doesn’t feel like you are.

I do understand about the anti-ds, I refused them for years. In the end it was me hitting rock bottom which pushed me to try them, but only in combination with the plan to get a dog and start seeing a psychotherapist (like you am not a CBT) fan.

Tbh I’m not sure which helped most, all three worked together to help bring me back to life. I still have my dog, he brings me joy every day. He’s given me structure & something to live for outside of myself. I’m still on the head pills, the lowest therapeutic dose but I feel like they help, if only by helping me feel more psychologically robust in what is, as you say, a crazy world. And my therapist has given me room to voice my fears, anxieties & thoughts, giving me an alternate perspective and helping me realise I’m not so broken after all.

What you do is your choice, I can only advise what has helped me, but it sounds like you’re an amazing woman with so much to offer, so I wish you well in dealing with your blip in the road. There could be something amazing round the corner.

Also, get a bloody dog. They’re the best.

OP I'm planning to try out the benefit of HRT for up to 6 months and ask for ADs at the end of that if it hasn't helped sufficiently.

Tailendofsummer

Please give us some feedback on the HRT aspect.

I totally get where you are coming from with the anti-d's op. I have bounced on and off them for years (currently not on them). Then I was given an anxiety med which left me feeling like a zombie. The only time they have really worked was when I had post natal depression (and had a clear chemical imbalance, it was amazing how much they helped in that situation but not in others).

I've tried out other jobs this year, taking short term or zero-hour contracts to explore different workplaces. Some aspects of the jobs are good, but large organisations are bureaucratic, inefficient and nobody challenges this. My managers are either stressed out or incompetent. They are often on sick. I have no agency even though I have experience and knowledge about the work. I'm now fat, middle-aged and patronised.

Just re-read your post op and this stood out to me. One of the many reasons I am trying to resist returning to the workplace. Yep, my body shape has changed too going through the peri-menopause. I used to be a trim size 10-12. Now more like 14-16 (and not helped by the fact that I comfort eat). The eating and lack of exercise is an issue for me but I know I can crack it eventually but I'm not going to brow beat myself for the time being because I'm working through so much other stuff.

I actually think it healthy to stand back and consider what matters most and possibly one of the pluses of arriving at mid-life. Discovering a creative outlet helped me enormously op...this could be gardening in your case or something else who knows but you are clearly open to trying new things.

I sat down with my accounts this morning. I can probably last 8 months on what I have in my current account if I cut back on spending. If it's all going to shit and I don't see the point any more, why am I worrying about getting a job and having savings?

I'm going to take it one day at a time. I've got my gym membership. I have the garden.

OP I'm planning to try out the benefit of HRT for up to 6 months and ask for ADs at the end of that if it hasn't helped sufficiently. I am considering this too.

Also, get a bloody dog. They’re the best. I've looked in to this again too after reading your post. Apart from the Romanian dogs the nearest alternative is RSPCA about 60 miles away. I'm going to put that on the back burner.

Discovering a creative outlet helped me enormously budget-dependent I'm going to think about this too. About 200 years ago at Uni there was a pop-up fair where someone had a craft stall that I always thought was pretty nifty. I've never forgotten her idea and I might give it a go, setting myself a budget of initial investment.

My existential angst disappeared once I got a cat. They are masters of living elegantly

Check out cats protection x

We don't talk enough about death. We know life is finite but we never talk about it, we talk and behave as though it's forever. But all of us have limited time and I truly believe that talking openly about death helps us face the wonder of life, of making the most of our time. I don't mean partying every day or rushing round the world, I mean focusing on what matters most to us. For many people this boils down to quality of relationships. And for you OP your work relationships have been difficult. Considering the amount of time we spend in work, it is unsurprising that this has been a cause of unhappiness.
The other thing is to nurture your creativity. You are obviously an intelligent person, you like to read and reflect, and sometimes this can be hard on us. Sometimes we just need to do rather than think. I am happiest during creative endeavours whether cooking or sculpture or poetry.
The other thing is you really like to walk. Do you walk with someone? There is something special about having a good walking buddy, about being literally in step with each other, great for the brain and mood.

I think you should start a dog walking/sitting business.

"We don't talk enough about death. We know life is finite but we never talk about it, we talk and behave as though it's forever. But all of us have limited time and I truly believe that talking openly about death helps us face the wonder of life, of making the most of our time. I don't mean partying every day or rushing round the world, I mean focusing on what matters most to us"

Have you ever done any work on your values during you counselling OP? Do you know what your top two or three values are?

Mine are family-centredness and helping others. Fostering sits well alongside my values and I get a lot of fulfillment out of it. Although we are dropping back from longterm to respite, as one weekend a month or so suits our current lifestyle better.

@Needspace21

My existential angst disappeared once I got a cat. They are masters of living elegantly

Another vote for a cat, my cats gave me a focus and something to care about when I was particularly unwell. A chatty siamese or Bengal for endless attention, British moggies for a low key companion.

How are you doing OP?

just here to hold your hand.
I have days like that, very intense ones. And days when I just feel down, though there's no logical reason why I should.

I had an anniversary of a loss on Wednesday so I know that contributed to my 3-day crying marathon and end-of-the-world lethargy.
I was literally in pain from sadness, anger, resentment, regret and grief.

Then I reminded myself that music ALWAYS lifts me up so I ended up listening
& dancing to "Bailando" on a loop for the next 3 days.
It's not a solution to all problems, but it works for me, dancing and great music provides me with such a boost.
I feel much better.
And I've decided to explore that raggeaton style music (partially because I'm learning Spanish so listening to song lyrics is very helpful) and take up tap dancing again (I'm buying a tap mat for practice).

No idea of it's helpful to you or not.
Maybe try it, put on your favourite songs and party! Those endorphins should definitely make you feel better. x

Thank you everyone.

I carried on over the weekend. I did the things I'm supposed to do, to feel better. My despondency is not as intense as it was, but it's still there. This is all so fucking pointless.
I have an appointment with my therapist later. I've been going long enough to have a good guess as to what she'll say. There's a cardio class I was going to go to, but that's feeling a bit ambitious now. I might read one of my stoicism books, they deal with the inevitable pointlessness of life.

I am definitely not a cat person.

I noticed in your first post that you trained as a therapist; is this something that you would consider as a possible job? The world is crying out for good therapists with real life experience who can really understand what their clients are going through, as opposed to a freshly trained whippersnapper who’s only experience is reading the textbooks.

@LostyMcLostHead

Gardening is something I've thought about. I actually did a bit of shadowing with a friend of a friend who is a self-employed gardener. What put me off is that it's 95% work with a grass cutter or strimmer or chain saw. And it involves a lot noise, petrol and driving around. This isn't me. I prefer the quiet, slow jobs like weeding, sowing, planting, sitting and watching with a cup of tea and slice of cake. Thank you for taking the time to suggest it though.

I think I would look in to getting a dog before anti-depressants.

There is definitely a market in gardening for weeding and general tidying only. My DH has a gardening business and a lot of the SE people only want to mow, strim and cut back, they don’t want to get down in their knees in beds, then just want to get onto the next job. I think you could market yourself as a niche weeder/ maintenance person. On a wider note your post really struck a chord. I too feel overwhelmed with potential covid restrictions again, panic buying fuel, climate change measures and strangely the banning of gas boilers has really shook me. At work I think what’s the f£&@ing point, but am silently raging about everyone’s incompetence and bever being held to account 💐

OP, please don’t get all your information on antidepressants from Johann Hari! He’s generally regarded as a charlatan. Read Dean Burnett’s counterpoint on his book for another view.

I do sympathise with how you feel because I feel similar a lot of the time. I’m not sure what to say, because it sounds to me like you’ve achieved a lot - I dream of starting up some kind of voluntary project but I’ve no idea where to start. I know it’s difficult to see the positives when you’re in that mindset and people saying you sound impressive of successful doesn’t help when you don’t feel that way. So just sending some solidarity.

You don't sound as if you don't like yourself very much. I often think this is the root of many peoples pain (my own included) and causes a lot of problems in society.

If you think that may be true there are many rescources for self-compassion out there. Once you are at peace with yourself, everything on the outside is more manageable.

There is no point to life, it just IS. But you are here, living and breathing, so find the joy where you can. You are good enough, what you have achieved is enough, what you have is enough. You just need to find peace and quieten your mind...stop the war within yourself.

• You sound like you don't like yourself very much