I don't know what to do anymore

[LostyMcLostHead]

I just feel like giving in, and I don't even know what I mean by that.

I don't know where to start.

About five two years ago I started to have an existential crisis. I felt depressed and angry and hopeless. So I read up on it.
I made changes to improve my health - diet, sleep, exercise, mindfulness, supplements, nature etc. I set up a successful gardening-based volunteering group that gets me and other members out in to a peaceful community garden. It wins awards.

The rage and hopelessness are still there. Everything feels pointless.

I had a job that was extremely well-paid but had become a bit of a bullshit job. It was no longer meaningful, I had a shitty colleague and no help from our line manager (who went off long term with stress) so I left.

This helped for a few weeks, but soon the rage and hopelessness were back. Only now I don't have a salary coming in.

I've tried out other jobs this year, taking short term or zero-hour contracts to explore different workplaces. Some aspects of the jobs are good, but large organisations are bureaucratic, inefficient and nobody challenges this. My managers are either stressed out or incompetent. They are often on sick. I have no agency even though I have experience and knowledge about the work. I'm now fat, middle-aged and patronised.

I tried and tried to get HRT, and finally got to someone who would listen. I'm on week 3 and the fucking patches wrinkle up. I thought this would be the answer to my problems, but so far it isn't. I'm losing hope.

Earlier this week I left one of my latest jobs after realising the boredom and lack of agency was making me feel bad again. Wednesday I felt great. Today I feel terrible. I'm still in bed and it's gone 9am.

Then on top of me having little money coming in there's Covid and Brexit and Climate Change. I'm cold and I don't want to put the heating on due to money. I am not even comfort eating. I have no interest in food.

I know I sound depressed. I have a therapist and have been in therapy for years. I actually trained as a therapist for four years. Have spent thousands of pounds. Yet here I am. In bed and crying, feeling hopeless and angry. I can't understand how people are getting up and getting through each day. Why bother?

@LostyMcLostHead

I know that this will wind a lot of people up but I really don't want to take anti-depressants.

Why don't you want to take anti-depressants? Have you tried them before?

Being on them long term has its (considerable) problems. But a few months on them is really a breath of air. It breaks that constant cycle of fury and despondency and 'why bother'? You start to enjoy the small stuff far more and let the things you can't change wash over you, leaving energy for what you do enjoy. And the relief of not seething with rage all the time is blissful.

I used to feel locked behind this raging monster. Then ADs melted the monster away and I felt like myself again after decades of struggle. It was really, truly bliss. I am a strong advocate for taking ADs to break this cycle.

Would it help to discuss why you don't want to consider them?

What type of therapy are you having? And how good is your therapist? There are some dreadful ones out there and too many very average ones too. The right one for you should be helping things more after 4 years working together.

I honestly think you need a dog, doesn't really matter if you want one or not . I think it is so easy to slip into not getting up and out and for every day to feel the same but a dog forces you to be more on top of that slide. They make you laugh too and are just so lovely you have to find your way back to feeling some joy when you have one. I do appreciate the work situation complicates it but I also agree you really need to focus on finding a way of being your own boss. There must be so much you can do, you sound very capable.

Have you tried cold water swimming? It might be an odd question but it's renowned for giving people who otherwise feel very run down a huge boost and sense of fun and purpose. It should be used far more and there are so many FB groups where you can meet others who are into it. It can be life-changing. Singing in a group or dance classes can offer similar benefits. It's so hard to come out of them feeling anything but better.

Lastly, alongside things like anti-depressants, gratitude is the way out of feeling the way you do. You might well have tried it before but it's the best cure for Affluenza, which might be part of your problem. Daily mindfulness and focusing in on feeling it can honestly work wonders.

What kind of jobs have you had? We could maybe point you in the direction of self-employed options.

I've done assessments and stuff based on my qualifications, experience and/or interests, and the common themes are training, community and counselling. I would say that they all strike a chord. I like the idea of offering courses about things I'm interested in, such as community gardening. I've tried putting my toe in the water and I'm not convinced anyone would pay and also, I hate marketing myself.

I do practise gratitude and mindfulness and journaling. There is no open water swimming near me, but I do try hot/cold behaviours such as cold showers. I volunteer, I am in a choir... honestly, if there's evidence for it, I do it.

Apart from taking anti-depressants.

Or getting a dog.

(I'm checking out the link).

I think taking on a dog just feels like too big a commitment. And I'm still heartbroken about the death of my last dog 6 years ago :(

Someone mentioned St John's Wort, and I would put in another vote for that if you don't want to try prescription antidepressants to start with. It does have a proper measurable effect, not just one of those supplements that you take but doesn't seem to do much. (Obviously different things work for different people, but this one is at least proven to have an effect). It's made a big difference for some people I know.

Hi OP,

Just wondering about a few things - Did this episode of low mood start at a particular time? Did anything set it off?

Have you tried scheme therapy or Cognitive therapy? Good for those "I'm a failure" beliefs.

Do you think that you are always trying to avoid feeling sad? I know all humans would do this, but trying to suppress anger or misery can have the opposite effect.... A course of MBCT might be useful?

Schema *

Also this book called The Happiness Trap made a huge difference for me:
www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B007ECJCL0?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

It's very practical and step-by-step and useful if you're trying to work out how to find meaning in life. Reminded me a bit of you saying 'well if this was my last day I'd go sit in the sun' - which is very sensible.

Thank you Alice, I have a lot of permissions around sadness. Anger is the one I work on in terms of acknowledging, experiencing, not repressing etc. I prefer the deeper, psychotherapeutic schools over CBT-type therapies.

Just wondering about a few things - Did this episode of low mood start at a particular time? Did anything set it off?

I think there were two things this week. Firstly, quitting the latest job. At first it felt a huge relief but then I was left thinking/feeling, "FFS. What now?". And secondly DP realising and telling me that he couldn't come to a new yoga class with me Friday morning as he had a work commitment. May have been coincidence, but that's when my mood started to really drop.

The Happiness Trap is the ACT book I think? Yes, I've read it.

Have you thought of being a self-employed gardener??

If you are knowledgeable and practical it could be something to consider. It might be useful to get some part time work helping a local gardener to get some experience.

I've been mostly self employed my whole life as I couldn't bear to work in an organisation with people 5 days a week.

Sending hugs. It's shit feeling shit. 💐

A few things:

You sound awesome. You sound like you've done loads to try and turn things around. You've worked so hard on yourself and that's incredible.

I'm sorry OP I know you said you don't want to try them but after years of depression and working hard to turn things around, antidepressants are the only thing that made my life easier. I tried every other option, like you, but mirtazapine has been a life-changer. Maybe worth considering again? I know it's not what you want to hear!

Oh and if you think getting a dog would help, and have time to look after a dog, do that. I got my girls for a similar reason and they are just wonderful. A literal reason to get out of bed every day has given me the strength I need to keep going.

Gardening is something I've thought about. I actually did a bit of shadowing with a friend of a friend who is a self-employed gardener. What put me off is that it's 95% work with a grass cutter or strimmer or chain saw. And it involves a lot noise, petrol and driving around.
This isn't me. I prefer the quiet, slow jobs like weeding, sowing, planting, sitting and watching with a cup of tea and slice of cake.
Thank you for taking the time to suggest it though.

I think I would look in to getting a dog before anti-depressants.

I also prefer the deeper Psychotherapies then CBT types, but I'd argue schema therapy is a different kettle of fish.
I had therapy for 18 years so you're in early days! It was lacanian psychoanalysis and DBT. What a combo. Anyway probably not useful information for you.

Did your DP not coming to yoga make you feel rejected?

You sound awesome. You sound like you've done loads to try and turn things around. You've worked so hard on yourself and that's incredible.

Seriously, I feel the opposite of awesome today. I feel naïve and stupid that I walked away from a well-paid, well-respected role to eating through my savings thinking I could be some kind of... fuck knows what I thought.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this OP. I think you’ve received some very useful advice. Hope you find something that helps you soon. Look after yourself

My faith is what I draw on when I’m feeling similar. I don’t know what I’d do without it

Did your DP not coming to yoga make you feel rejected?

I felt lonely. I mean, a meeting is a meeting, and there's nothing unreasonable about a meeting on a Friday morning. But I pictured Friday morning without this and felt lonely.

I've just looked. There's a class tonight too. DP is going out with friends tonight, but I might brave the class on my own. I'm so weepy today I don't know if I can though.

See? I'm the opposite of wonderful :(

Can't even get myself to a simple yoga class.

@LostyMcLostHead

The Happiness Trap is the ACT book I think? Yes, I've read it.

Ah, fair enough.

I agree with you about professional gardening, it seems quite different to the nice bits of gardening at home.

My faith is what I draw on when I’m feeling similar. I don’t know what I’d do without it

Yes. I don't mean to be offensive, but sometimes it's tempting to turn to religion or alcohol or something so I just didn't have to think or feel any more. I realise that is offensive, I'm not suggesting that you aren't a thinking or feeling religious person.

I agree with you about professional gardening, it seems quite different to the nice bits of gardening at home.

Ha! Yes.

What about volunteering (aware this doesn't bring you in any money but stick with me) at the local primary school or an old folks home to do some gardening with them? It will be the pottering, weeding type things you enjoy and you get out the house to meet people and help the community.

If your best friend wrote your OP what advice would you give her? Honestly from the outside this feels so very fix-able with anti depressants. Not forever, but until you're you again.