Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

[Amisillyornot]

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

What an awful, patronising message from the OW, OP.

I too am of the opinion that no one needs a burner phone for a friendship.

I dont get why you would buy a secret phone to talk to an apprent friend

Do we think he genuinely brought the phone home to give to his mum?

What other reason did he have? Either he knew the numbers were in it or he didn’t. If he intended to carry on using it why would he tell you? Surely he would expect you would say ‘oh you’re using this mysterious phone that you seem to think is some one else’s’? It doesn’t quite make sense.

With these things you never really get to the bottom of it tbh. You can torture yourself speculating about what level of inappropriate it was, how long it went on for, what sort of feelings he had or has, what is true and what isn't. Fact is, people in these situations lie all the time, and you can never completely trust what you are told, yet you will still keep asking and analysing, he will keep saying things that may or may not be true, and it will be very distressing. With that in mind, I think it might be helpful to separate for a while. Both of you can take time out to think about what you want. If you want to be with each other then you can take things slowly to build the relationship again. The alternative would be either endless upsetting talks, or deciding to 'believe him' and carry on, with you mistrustful and resentful, and him thinking he's got away with it.

Get packing his bags. You deserve better.

Regarding the timing, the reason I thought my ex couldn't be having an affair is because I couldn't see when it would happen, he was always either at work or at home. But I was wrong and he was having a full blown affair. I couldn't be bothered digging up when they actually met and where so I still don't know, but it did happen despite me being able to account for all his time. So don't think he can't be just because you know where he's been ...

I was thinking the same as @Redredwiney , OP. Do you think he would be capable of making up this intricate lie (saying he found it, deleting most things, pretend to give to his mum, but then keeping it in and "hiding" his ongoing EA in full view)?
If you don't trust him, then the relationship is not worth it IMO, but if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, I would do as PP have suggested: keep the phone for a week. Put some credit on it and call/text either one of the two numbers and go from there? It might give you reassurance or it might confirm your suspicions. It all depends on your needs, really, and where you draw the line. Do you need to know whether there is still something going on or is the blatant lying enough to be a deal-breaker?

His story doesn't make sense. Why have a second phone to contact the other woman if he was contacting her on his usual phone? Why would the phone battery be charged up? How could he forget his own spare phone was his?
It looks much more likely that he got a second phone to contact her on when he told her it was over. And maybe now it really is over and he thought he would give the phone to his mum so spun you a story.
But the fact that he lied is concerning, your trust has already been broken, why not be truthful if he has nothing to hide?

why on earth would you trust him? Hes shown you plenty that he can quite happily lie to your face and not even break a sweat. Hes clearly been having more than an emotional affair. Tell him Nah, you gave him a chance which is more than most people would but hes made a fool of you

I think he had forgotten it was a mobile he kept to phone OW.However, I also think it was more than an ‘almost’ emotional affair if he gone to the trouble of having a second phone.It’s the fact he wasn’t truthful and told you everything 3 years ago which causes much more heartache further down the line.you can only rebuild something if both parties tell the truth.💐

I am sorry you are going through this.

His story is a load of made up nonsense I'd say. And if it was true why would he even tell you anyway. He has started the contact again with this OW or has been in contact with her all along. The phone tale is a red herring.

@Amisillyornot sorry I just saw your post about her text messaged to you. She sounds like a self centred moron!!!!

I’m going to say it sounds very unlikely that he genuinely forgot the phone existed given that it was purportedly in his desk drawer in a new office.
He’d have packed his things when the office was relocating and at that point would have got rid of it if he didn’t need it.
He went to the trouble of deleting the messages and charging it before he brought it home.
He didn’t think it belonged to someone else because most phones would have a locking feature so he wouldn’t be able to access it.
And if it were company property he’d be stealing to “give it to his mum” without permission.
Permission he didn’t mention having.
A phone his mum never mentioned needing.
A phone he only used to text one particular woman.
He probably did think he could keep it around so
If you saw it you’d think oh that was the phone he is going to give to his mum but by then he’d have been using it for whatever purpose he wanted - which is much more likely to be to be able to contact her out if work hours without using his regular phone.
How could he explain having the charger to hand if it wasn’t his?
He isn’t stupid at all. He thinks he’s more clever than he actually is. He didn’t think you’d find her contact details in it, that’s the only stupid thing he’s done.
But I guess it’s something you need to work through OP.
I’m sorry for you having to go through this

The man is either a liar or as thick as pig shit as the saying goes back in the farming community I grew up in. Possibly a mix of the two.

I couldn’t be bothered with someone who is such a pain in the arse, he isn’t worth the headspace op.

Would you end up alone forever if you left him? No one knows but my goodness I would be miserable with him.

Or it hasn't stopped but he needed the phone at home to contact her as he's WFH and was trying in a ridiculous way to set you up so you wouldn't question the phone being in his office drawer.

This is my guess. He wanted to hide it in plain sight so made up this bullshit story and didn't think it through properly re contacts. He sounds manipulative, cruel and also a bit dim.

Just had another thought- it's possible his work is gearing up for covid plan B - ie back to WFH and he was caught out last lockdown because his phone was at work so he wanted to bring it home.
I'd think they have a FWB set up and he wants to contact her for hook ups

Thank you everyone for your messages. I am taking some time to think...although thinking is all I have been doing since last night.
I am still not answering his calls...should I? I do not know what to say yet. I have so many questions yet I have no idea what to say...I do not want to hear more lies I suppose.

How bizarre, even if this was an old phone he used to contact OW on why on earth did he bring it home, tell you about it and pretend he didn’t know where it came from??

Seriously agree with this point! Why would he bring the phone home and act like it's a phone that he's found at work when really he knows the phone belonged to him. That's a problem in itself as I don't see the need to lie unnecessarily

He forgot it was his phone from 3+ years ago and brought it home. Your description of his face when he realised - that sounds genuine.
Or it was shock because he didn't realise he hadn't deleted the numbers.

They both sound like a pair of shits. He's a liar and not even a clever one at that. I'm sorry but I wouldn't even waste my breath or energy on any more of this hoo haa from them, you could be happy and bloody worry free without him.

And as for the OW calling you "love" she wouldn't have a bloody hair left on her head the patronising cow

@Amisillyornot

Thank you everyone for your messages. I am taking some time to think...although thinking is all I have been doing since last night. I am still not answering his calls...should I? I do not know what to say yet. I have so many questions yet I have no idea what to say...I do not want to hear more lies I suppose.

I wouldn't answer his calls until your head is straight.

He's got his story straight now, but you know it'll just be a story.

@Amisillyornot

He has to this date denied that it was anything other than a friendship. He isn't the sharpest tool in the box, that is how I found out about it the first time. Text messages where they talk about this beautiful special friendship. Him giving her money, buying her lunch. Messages about him supporting her when she was 'depressed' about being fat. And lots of her saying he looked good today, he said I will always be here for you blah blah. When I said it was inappropriate friendship - he got angry saying it was just a colleague turned friend (who I pointed out I had never met as I did all his other friends and he did mine) then he said that i was trying to control him etc. When I said I was done. He has a choice to remain friends with her and I have a choice to not accept to be in this marriage. He then backtracked that his family was more important, begged and begged and I agreed to let it go and make things work and now this.

Whether or not he's been in contact the last 3 years, even regardless of his deeply stupid lies to you about finding the phone:

You don't buy a burner phone to maintain a friendship. You just don't.

So he's lied to you about the extent of the relationship 3 years ago, and he's still lying now. And I'd find it pretty offensive that he actually thinks you'd fall for it.

So sorry

I’m going to say it sounds very unlikely that he genuinely forgot the phone existed given that it was purportedly in his desk drawer in a new office.

He knew exactly what it was, because he had charged, on the charger he bought for it.

All a bit strange isn't it?
Can you really be that dense to come waltzing through the door with your old burner phone?
So many questions raised here....
Why the need for a burner phone after agreeing not to contact her?
Why did this phone have charge? LG phones are fairly basic so I'm presuming it doesn't have the same charger cable as an iPhone or android which are more common these days?
Why did he think he could steal this phone to give to his mum if he had genuinely forgotten it was 'that' phone?

However, the main question is can you see yourself going forward from here trusting him 100%? If not, you'll drive yourself crazy!