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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
Amisillyornot · 27/10/2021 15:51

@LampLighter414

Think long and hard before doing this OP, you have your children to think about
Do you mean allowing him to see kids? I would never stop that. I said previously in my post, he is a great father. Kids adore him and he does lots with them. I'd never use my kids as a weapon.
OP posts:
Hopeisallineed · 27/10/2021 15:51

@LampLighter414 what? Going on holiday on her own with just the kids? 🧐🙄

Redredwiney · 27/10/2021 15:57

@LampLighter414

Think long and hard before doing this OP, you have your children to think about
What do you mean? Responding to her husband’s likely affair and lies?
LampLighter414 · 27/10/2021 15:58

[quote Hopeisallineed]@LampLighter414 what? Going on holiday on her own with just the kids? 🧐🙄[/quote]
I have interpreted "I told kids we will be going yo housesit nany's house after the holiday as munmy needs to help nanny with something in her house." as OP intending to move to her mums house (at least temporarily) using the nanny needs help story as a coverup.

It seems quite quick and sudden on the DC, especially if it ends up a longer term thing?

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/10/2021 15:58

Op is thinking if the kids, how is staying with a man who’s a hard dog to keep on the porch going to help the kids? He could pull the rug at any time doing that or bring home an sti and infect their mother.

When is it ok to say mummy’s going to leave now sweetie and your childhoods been a massive lie because daddy likes the thrill of the chase. 18? 25? When is it ok for us not to be treated badly?.

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/10/2021 16:01

I know three women who stayed for the kids and both men left them high and dry with kids to look after, it wasn’t appreciated by the man. One got his ow pg.

If you want to act like a single person you need to be single.

TheGirlCat · 27/10/2021 16:03

@LampLighter414 By leaving an abusive cheating man the OP is thinking about the kids. She is doing the responsible thing.

LampLighter414 · 27/10/2021 16:11

@Fluffycloudland77

Op is thinking if the kids, how is staying with a man who’s a hard dog to keep on the porch going to help the kids? He could pull the rug at any time doing that or bring home an sti and infect their mother.

When is it ok to say mummy’s going to leave now sweetie and your childhoods been a massive lie because daddy likes the thrill of the chase. 18? 25? When is it ok for us not to be treated badly?.

I'm just say that I remain unconvinced that:
  • going on a strange holiday without their dad
  • leaving the only home they may possibly have ever known
  • going to stay elsewhere at least temporarily, potentially permanently, not to return to their home (OP not clear on this)
  • not having day to day access/contact with the father they adore anymore

is the right thing for the children, with all of this being decided in the space of a week, with insufficient honesty to the kids (age-dependent) or mental preparation about what is really going on.

I'm not saying OP should stay with DH, but why so quick to turn the kids lives upside down?

Belendacarlisle · 27/10/2021 16:17

I doubt kids will be confused by going on holiday and to a grandparent’s house at half term. The explanation that Dad has to work will explain his absence.

Mum sleeping in the other room and not wanting to talk to dad is more confusing for them.

Amisillyornot · 27/10/2021 16:17

@LampLighter414 i have explained that dad is working so mummy will take them away alone as they are now big enough (12 and 8). They will speak to their father everyday. They've already video called him to show their room.
Ive been to my parents before with kids without him so they won't worry about that (except nanny and grandad are in Australia this time).
I just need some space to think without pressure. It would be weirder for them if I'd left them and gone alone.

OP posts:
LampLighter414 · 27/10/2021 16:24

@Amisillyornot Okay fair enough, I thought you were stealthing a permanent move out with them.

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/10/2021 16:28

But it’s not op who is doing this, the dh is at fault. It’s internalised misogyny to blame the woman when men are unfaithful.

We can’t victim blame. He didn’t have to do any of this but he did anyway.

Amisillyornot · 27/10/2021 16:32

[quote LampLighter414]@Amisillyornot Okay fair enough, I thought you were stealthing a permanent move out with them.[/quote]
Once he has accepted it, then we can talk to the kids together and explain.

OP posts:
SunshineCake1 · 27/10/2021 16:33

[quote LampLighter414]@Amisillyornot Okay fair enough, I thought you were stealthing a permanent move out with them.[/quote]
So what if she was. She gets to chose what is right for her children since their father has put his desires first. She's not saying they'll never see him again.

Starfish1021 · 27/10/2021 18:31

Well done for taking decisive action and creating some space. It’s hardly odd for the children that you would take them on holiday. Finding some responses on this thread baffling. You just need time to think through what you want and take it from there.

dustofneptune · 27/10/2021 19:38

Good for you OP. The earlier stuff would have been a dealbreaker for me, but what he said to you seals the deal. You sound strong.

His behaviour is utterly appalling. Do not let him manipulate or gaslight you. He's gone from lashing out to sweeping things under the rug. So, next he'll go to anger again - either lashing out or literally trying to come with you. If he does the latter, he'll say that you can't stop him. When this doesn't work, he'll go back to trying to sweeten you up. If that doesn't work, he'll likely actually start seeming apologetic.

At the very least, it sounds to me that you need to move out, or get him to move out, and formally separate. One or the other. This will give you the space and independence you need to gain clarity. Nobody on an online forum can tell you what to do about your life or marriage. It's completely up to you what you do. But I'd advise not making any decisions until you're no longer living under the same roof.

I actually see you going straight ahead with a divorce and having a massively positive, if unexpected, turnaround. You just seem strong enough to do it. Good luck.

whynotwhatknot · 27/10/2021 23:37

Good for you op hopefully he'll take you seriously now

me4real · 27/10/2021 23:41

Once you're out (albeit for a trip etc) it'll be easier to stay out. If you go back it'll mean you have to leave all over again.

EmeraldShamrock · 27/10/2021 23:44

He brought a piece of their relationship into your home. Sad cunt.

Mix56 · 28/10/2021 12:02

He was a really dunce to bring that phone home, & then lie through his teeth.
Can someone in a high paying job really be that stupid, well, clearly Yes.
Don't talk to him until you are ready.
Tell him harassing you will not help, but the truth might in time.
You know lied.

UltimateBugKilla · 28/10/2021 18:31

Good for you op, I hope you enjoy your break with your children, time for you to decompress 💐

writingsonthewall · 28/10/2021 22:32

Urgh I've just skim read so apologies if I've missed any important info but the post where you went to sleep in spare room and he followed then got into bed, then followed again and was smiling.
Aaaaaaarrrrrrrggggjhhhjjjjjhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Just makes me want to scream. What a total arse. He obvs thinks he can just somehow "charm" you into forgetting it all and just carrying on as normal.
I really hope you kick this dickhead into touch.

UltimateBugKilla · 29/10/2021 21:30

Hope you are enjoying your break away with your kids OP

Yearonebesties · 01/11/2021 11:10

Hope you’re ok
@Amisillyornot

Amisillyornot · 01/11/2021 14:18

@Yearonebesties all good thanks. Spending time with the kids so not on my phone much. Getting back tonight as one is back to scholl tomorroe. Am working from Wednesday and he is off to look after older one who goes back next week.

OP posts:
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