Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

[Amisillyornot]

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

So he's a bit thick, a liar, a cheat, and even when you're trying to make the marriage work by trying to forget all of that...he continues lying and disrespecting you. Now you're chasing your tail, trying to work out his motivations. Do you want to continue your life like this? All for one man? Do you know others are available?

Not read whole thread don’t need to but he’s a lying bastard and this phone turning up with OW’s number inside etc and him doing some Oscar winning performance about not knowing about it or what’s in phone…

I couldn’t trust him, if necessary I’d get a PI to investigate further but I think you have enough proof for a divorce and that’s what I’d do. Does he think you’re stupid?

You don't have a separate phone for a friendship.

@Mumoblue

Also mad that he still insists it was just a friendship now that you’ve found this? Who has a “secret phone” for calling their friend?

Does he think you’re stupid? It’s insulting.

Someone who thinks their wife is persecuting them for a friendship that they want to continue but are "not allowed".

I don't doubt that he considered it as "just a friendship" because they hadn't had sex, or whatever. This is how he justified it to himself. He felt that if he drew the line at sex it was OK, but he still had to keep it secret because his wife didn't approve (but she just didn't understand... classic)

He thought that what he was doing was fine.

Jesus, don't waste your money on a PI, spend it on a new dress and get rid. You already know he's a liar.

He bought a phone so he could pretend he’d cut contact with her. It’s an affair. No one has a separate phone to just stay in touch with a work friend. Bringing it home to show you and tell lies to you about it is just weird. Maybe he thinks he’s super smart? Or was he high?

I think he genuinely forgot about the phone otherwise why would he have brought it home.

However, by his reaction I would say there was more to this ‘emotional’ affair 3 years than he told you. You could dig deeper or draw a line and move on.

In one sense your lucky, he really is so terrible at being sneaky that you almost certainly would have caught him out if anything had been going on these last few years.

I'd be more concerned about having an OH so monumentally thick

@Mumoblue

Also mad that he still insists it was just a friendship now that you’ve found this? Who has a “secret phone” for calling their friend?

Does he think you’re stupid? It’s insulting.

Exactly! At the time, he said to me he cannot stop talking to her as they need to talk at work. I was fine with that. Am a professional myself. And I said I am not asking to make things weird at work just the level of messages were not ok with me. Then 1 day she sent a message(to his real phone) saying how he had promised to be friends forever and be there for her and now he is ignoring her with lots of emojis and said that she tried to be understanding but friends do not treat each other like that - i felt like she was weird and had a screw loose. Although whatever she is, is not my problem as I am not married to her. A few months after he changed jobs, she sent him a photo with some other colleagues as they went to a work do and it was captioned 'we miss you'. He showed it to me and said he didnt want me to find out and get upset. Then for a few months there were odd messages from her like 'hope your new job going well' inviting him to another work colleague leaving do etc. Then he blocked her number on his real phone

That's obviously the phone he used during the affair. It wasnt an emotional affair. He had a secret phone to use for her. It was a full blown affair.

Either it's over so he no longer needs it, or he was planning to store the phone at home and wanted an excuse if you ever found it. So he's told you, "oh look, I found this I'll keep it as a spare." and then you wouldnt question him if you saw it in a drawer in your room.

Honestly, he doesnt sound like a good man. He's already been unfaithful and you clearly dont trust him. Just leave. You wasted 3 years staying with him. Dont waste anymore time.

I feel for you OP. It's horrible not knowing the full story- especially if you've worked hard on your marriage and now this pops up after so long.
I wonder if there are any bill's attached to the phone you could access? Then you'd see if he's called?

It’s rather suss that it’s appeared now when he’s been back in the office for just 2 weeks.

He’s likely had no chance to easily conduct and affair while he’s been working from home.

Sounds like he brought it home by mistake and tried to badly cover his tracks

Reading your update it seems clear he bought the phone after getting caught and continued contact with OW.

I'd be inclined to think it has long stopped and now he thought he could charge and wipe the phone for his mum and that's why he had to fabricate the story to 'get the phone. He didn't forget it was his as he's carried it to a new workplace, he just thought it was empty.

The fact he owns it shows deceit after being caught on his own phone.

I think he’d forgotten it was the burner phone and when he realised what it was he knew you would ask to see the messages and the shit would hit the fan.

It's stupid enough to be credible IMO. I don't see the value in it for him to be this bait.

That said, anyone who had a secret phone is probably:
1/ an old hand
2/ not just having an emotional affair

@IdblowJonSnow

I feel for you OP. It's horrible not knowing the full story- especially if you've worked hard on your marriage and now this pops up after so long. I wonder if there are any bill's attached to the phone you could access? Then you'd see if he's called?

It is a Pay as you Go as there is no credit on it.

I doubt it was full blown affair at the moment and definitely not over the last 18 months as he has worked from home and always home during the week end. Unless some people are happy to have an affair and no sex just talks to each other.
Unless that now he has gone back to work they would have resumed it - although then why would he bring it home.

@Redredwiney

Oh OP, I so wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that it was likely the burner phone he used during his EA, and he found the phone again now he’s back at work and decided to bring it home. But considering he used his actual phone for his EA, which is how you found the text messages, then it is possible he bought this phone to carry on communicating with her after you found out. I’m so sorry.

He has lied, but the question is when did he stop communicating truly. I suspect it ended ages ago, hence this phone being in his work belongings that he’s not accessed in months, but perhaps he did carry on after you found out, but after you worked on your marriage he decided to end it.

This makes most sense.

@TeeBee

So he's a bit thick, a liar, a cheat, and even when you're trying to make the marriage work by trying to forget all of that...he continues lying and disrespecting you. Now you're chasing your tail, trying to work out his motivations. Do you want to continue your life like this? All for one man? Do you know others are available?

This made me laugh - So I still stand the chance of finding someone at the ripe age of 43 :-)

She sounds a bit unhinged and she sounds like a lier.

You are spot on with why the phone is charged.

Of course you can find someone at 43.

Why don’t you phone her and ask her?

I did at 46, OP. A wonderful one. And quite honestly, I'd be perfectly happy without one anyway...particularly one that has me looking over my shoulder continuously.

I think he bought this phone to carry on communicating with her after she was blocked on his main phone. For whatever reason they've now stopped communicating (or they've found another way) so he decided to make up this ridiculous story to explain why he had a phone to give his mum.

You know this is his phone and that it had her number on. I'd google the model number to see if you can find out when it was first released - it may be less than 3 years old in which case you then know for a fact he was contacting OW after he told you he'd stopped.

If he's not very smart you might also see a payment on his bank statements ~3 years ago at carphone warehouse or similar when he bought it...

"Special" friendships don't require a secret phone. Full blown affairs on the other hand....

You do know that you dont need a man, right?

The one you've got is a liar and a cheat. You found out about an affair, he told you he ended it but he actually got another phone to use. The affair is now over so he cleared the phone (forgetting the contacts) brought it home for his mum and told you some complete nonsense. Or, he's bringing it home to use it and didnt want you to wonder what it was.

He's sounds stupid. Liar. Cheat. Stupid.

You know you dont need to be with that just so you're not alone.

@5zeds

Of course you can find someone at 43.

Why don’t you phone her and ask her?

I wouldn't contact her out of pride I suppose. I am of the opinion that even IF she did pursue him constantly, he is the one married to me. So she doesn't owe me anything. She did contact me when I first found out and I will never forget what she said. She called me LOVE!!! 'I know you are hurting love, but I can assure you there is nothing going on. We are just friends, don't you have friends at work?. DH has a good heart and he didnt do anything wrong. I admit there was a bit of flirting on my part but nothing is going on. He hasn't spoken to me since you found out'. That was about 2 months after I found out when he was still at the other job.