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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 22/10/2021 09:46

OP, I think you need to find out what has actually happened and ignore 'the trust is gone, leave the bastard' stuff at least before you have 100% clarity.
I would park aside emotions for now and tell him you need a detailed clear explanation from him. When did he get the phone, for what purpose, if it was an old phone he found how come it was charged, why did he tell you about the phone. Don't let him off the hook until you know the answers.
After that you can decide how to proceed. If he lies to you or provides inconsistent info then I would probably leave

CherieBabySpliffUp · 22/10/2021 09:46

Have not read all the posts so don't know if this has been suggested @Amisillyornot if you go into the settings on the phone you might be able to find the phone number for the SIM.

cheeselover2021 · 22/10/2021 09:46

I am assuming he didn't have this phone when the original chat was going on, as it was on his personal phone.
So when he said he had cut contact with her except for in work, he must have bought this phone for the specific reason of keeping the text messaging going.

So does it matter when it did actually end? 3 years ago, 2 years ago, last week? The fact he must have purchased that phone to continue this emotional affair with her after you told him to stop would be enough for me to leave. He knew how you felt and carried on anyway, behind your back. So you'll never actually know when it did stop.

I suspect the message from her to him about not treating friends that way was so he could show it to you, so you'd think he had actually cut contact.

Original poster
Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 09:49

@CherieBabySpliffUp

Have not read all the posts so don't know if this has been suggested *@Amisillyornot* if you go into the settings on the phone you might be able to find the phone number for the SIM.
Yes i have the phone number. He keeps calling me. am not answering. Am at work (although not done any work today)
OP posts:
ImUninsultable · 22/10/2021 09:50

@CherieBabySpliffUp

Have not read all the posts so don't know if this has been suggested *@Amisillyornot* if you go into the settings on the phone you might be able to find the phone number for the SIM.
So? She doesnt need the number of that phone. It wont tell her anything.
GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 22/10/2021 09:50

He tried to get the phone (back) into the house by a lie
He forgot to delete the contacts
It was the phone he used/used to contact her
But is it the case that he was going to use it to contact her again now? what other reason could there be?

BananaPB · 22/10/2021 09:51

It sounds like they both had burner phones for contacting each other.

Best case (and most likely) scenario - he's only lied about where the phone came from. Very common for people having affairs to contact each other on their burners rather than normal
phones. Also super common that they assume they are smarter than their spouse so are covering their tracks. My ex gave our 10 year old a phone (because he needed one) and he forgot that phones sometimes save texts to the phone rather than SIM card so our son saw a load of messages on this phone which was clearly his affair burner. Ex worked in the mobile phone industry so would get a lot of free handsets so not unusual behaviour for him to being one home without a box or that had been lightly used for testing purposes.

Original poster
Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 09:51

@GoodbyePorpoiseSpit

He tried to get the phone (back) into the house by a lie He forgot to delete the contacts It was the phone he used/used to contact her But is it the case that he was going to use it to contact her again now? what other reason could there be?
To give to his mum. She needs a new phone.
OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 22/10/2021 09:54

If a phone is logged into a gmail account it keeps a history of everything and not many people know this....searches, photos, locations etc...

Its possible to delete/switch off but as so many people dont realise it's there they dont. You go into the Google account then scroll to data and personalisation .

vdbfamily · 22/10/2021 09:56

I agree with I wonder08.
Talk to him.
Ask him to explain in detail and see if it sounds plausible.

Original poster
Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 09:57

I am still very emotional at the moment - so right now am in camp LTB.

3 years ago - i honestly felt it was an EA based on the messages. It was like he was having a mid life crisis and was getting all this compliments from someone 8 years younger than him and it made him feel good about himself. He told me she made him feel good and appreciated. It was new and exciting. I thought that once he realised what was at stake, he left the job and once he left, it kinda fizzled out (at least on his part) as they didn't see each other.
It would have been difficult to have a physical affair once he left as he was always home on time, collect kids from school etc so unless he was taking time off to meet her which at the time i felt didnt happen as we know all our Annual leaves as we sit and do it together to cater for school hols etc...with all this I was pretty convinced it was over thus why I agreed and we both worked on our relationship and from then there were no issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 09:58

@Willyoujustbequiet

If a phone is logged into a gmail account it keeps a history of everything and not many people know this....searches, photos, locations etc...

Its possible to delete/switch off but as so many people dont realise it's there they dont. You go into the Google account then scroll to data and personalisation .

I will have a look when I go home.
OP posts:
FlorenciaFlora · 22/10/2021 09:58

There is no way he has forgotten to delete her number. He knew it was on there which is why he was reluctant to hand it over.

Cheaters spend massive amounts of emotional energy covering their tracks. It’s a full time job.

I’d suspect they’re back on.

Redredwiney · 22/10/2021 10:01

I’d suspect they’re back on

I highly highly suspect that. It would be a new level of manipulation to leave your burner phone openly lying around.

Eeiliethya · 22/10/2021 10:04

Why the fuck would he even bring it home? Surely he would just leave it in the drawer unused? Why the story around finding it? Why not just bring it home and shove it in his sock drawer or something.

His actions make zero sense. I would be hiding that phone in a place only I knew about on bloody silent and waiting to see if anything comes through. Or texting her on it pretending to be him.

He's either a liar or really fucking stupid and I couldn't be attracted to either tbh.

Singinginshower · 22/10/2021 10:05

OP, is he usually the sort of person to try to 'reuse' rather than throw away items?
I am personally, so I think it is quite possible that he has brought the phone home thinking it's redundant now, so fine for his mum to use.

caringcarer · 22/10/2021 10:05

My ex cheated on me and at the same time he had the audacity to send me flowers often on special dates eg anniversary of day we first met etc. I later found out he had them on a standing order with florist so he did not remember dates. I only found out as I continued to get flowers for 10 months after I kicked him out. This just shows how stupid some men can be and OP your husband sounds from the same mould. I kicked him out at 42 and remarried at 44. Best thing I ever did. My ex got into a new relationship about 8 years ago and cheated on her too. She dumped him too. Value yourself, even if he does not value you. No one has a secret phone to chat to a friend, especially if he could talk to her at work. He had an affair with OW. If you forgive one affair he will go on to have more.

chaosmaker · 22/10/2021 10:06

I think it might actually have just been a friendship and not an affair. Sounds like she needed emotional support and had low self esteem which your husband provided. Especially as nothing has been going on. Maybe it did flatter him but it doesn't mean they did anything physical at all. The random messages from her after the friendship was ended sound like she missed his company rather than trying to get him to shag. Dunno, if the marriage is good otherwise then ending it over this seems daft. Although the lying is awful and I'd much rather be told the truth - it hurts less. Good luck with whatever you decide. Flowers

Beautiful3 · 22/10/2021 10:10

I think it wasn't an emotional affair. Because who needs a secret phone for a friendship?!!! I'm sorry but I think at the time it was a real affair. It's strange. Its likely to be over now, as he's brought it home to wipe and give to his mum. He wouldn't bring it home if he still used it for contacting the other woman.

Original poster
Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 10:12

@Singinginshower - I didn't know his mum needed a new phone. Unless she has told him but he never mentioned it.
Yesterday he said, he will give the phone to his mum. That is when I said you cannot do that, you need to figure out whose phone it is and give it back.

OP posts:
Bogofftosomewherehot · 22/10/2021 10:12

@DoormatBob

Reading your update it seems clear he bought the phone after getting caught and continued contact with OW.

I'd be inclined to think it has long stopped and now he thought he could charge and wipe the phone for his mum and that's why he had to fabricate the story to 'get the phone. He didn't forget it was his as he's carried it to a new workplace, he just thought it was empty.

The fact he owns it shows deceit after being caught on his own phone.

my thoughts exactly.
FeeLock · 22/10/2021 10:19

I wouldn't bother trying to explain his behaviour to yourself as to do so will reduce your objectivity regarding your relationship. He's lied fairly comprehensively beforehand - I see the 'emotional affair' as sophistry - either he's committed to you or he's not and he clearly wasn't when he was messing around with another woman.

I can't see that you trust him, and on what you've said, you're right not to. Where you go from here is a difficult decision, but all good wishes for it. Flowers

KimDeals · 22/10/2021 10:20

@DrSbaitso

I actually think it's likely he's telling the truth. Sounds like he forgot the phone was his and had her details on it. He would be a total idiot bringing his active use burner phone home and telling you about it, and you say his face changed when he checked the contacts. Sounds like the idiot forgot about his own old burner phone.

On the plus side, it also suggests the OW couldn't have been that memorable if he was fool enough to forget all this until he brought the damn thing home to check in front of you.

Seems more likely to me than an elaborate double bluff, anyway.

I agree fully with this.

He forgot it was his phone from 3+ years ago and brought it home. Your description of his face when he realised - that sounds genuine.

I think it is exactly what happened. But it’s horrible to see evidence from the affair and have it all brought up again.

Also, an emotional affair with special phones?? That sounds a bit much.

girlmom21 · 22/10/2021 10:22

You don't have a secret phone for an emotional affair, especially if she's still texting his normal phone.

Why did he lie about finding the phone? Why did he even mention it rather than going through the whole bonkers charade of checking whatever you told him to check?

Fluffycloudland77 · 22/10/2021 10:23

Dh used to get on with women at work and still talks to two ex-colleagues on WhatsApp, but he’s never to my knowledge crossed a line or made me feel uncomfortable.

This has made you feel uncomfortable because it’s not just friends is it?