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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 22/10/2021 08:52

He sounds really shady
Why would he have brought the phone back? Sounds like he’s still lying to you

Regularsizedrudy · 22/10/2021 08:54

He’s full of shit op

Original poster
Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:55

They were both mobile numbers - so looked like she had 2 phones as well unless she had one and then got a new number - I have no idea.

It is an LG phone if that helps. There was no credit on it. I tried calling my phone from it.
I checked it again this morning and he has cleaned the phone, well the contacts.
When he brought it - he did say he may give it to his mum.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 22/10/2021 08:55

I actually think it's likely he's telling the truth. Sounds like he forgot the phone was his and had her details on it. He would be a total idiot bringing his active use burner phone home and telling you about it, and you say his face changed when he checked the contacts. Sounds like the idiot forgot about his own old burner phone.

On the plus side, it also suggests the OW couldn't have been that memorable if he was fool enough to forget all this until he brought the damn thing home to check in front of you.

Seems more likely to me than an elaborate double bluff, anyway.

Cantstopthewaves · 22/10/2021 08:57

If he's at the level of deception that he would have a secret phone then he's just not trustworthy is he.
He's still lying about the phone and creepily pretending he found it aswell then hoping he could sit there smug whilst he'd elaborately duped you again.
Nah- I'd not ever feel I could believe a word that came out his mouth. He must think you're a bit dim and certainly has no respect for you.

TheChip · 22/10/2021 08:57

I'm also thinking he is telling the truth.

Suggest holding on to the phone for a week. See how he reacts.
If there's no worries about her contacting him then he should see it as a good way of showing you he can be trusted. Then you can give it to his mother

ClothCatManiac · 22/10/2021 08:57

Very odd.
Does he have her number in his real phone?

catwhispererpsps · 22/10/2021 09:00

It he hadn't moved office I would be inclined to believe him. Did you get her number or know who she is? I would be doing my own investigation before confronting him fully about it.

TheChip · 22/10/2021 09:00

@ClothCatManiac

Very odd. Does he have her number in his real phone?
Good point. If the call logs are still showing those two numbers. Type them into his current phone. He may have them saved under the name of dave or anything
Mumoblue · 22/10/2021 09:00

YANBU.
He knew what the phone was and lied to your face.
He clearly has no issues lying to you.
The trust is gone- do you want to spend the rest of your life being the marriage police?

timeisnotaline · 22/10/2021 09:01

@DrSbaitso

I actually think it's likely he's telling the truth. Sounds like he forgot the phone was his and had her details on it. He would be a total idiot bringing his active use burner phone home and telling you about it, and you say his face changed when he checked the contacts. Sounds like the idiot forgot about his own old burner phone.

On the plus side, it also suggests the OW couldn't have been that memorable if he was fool enough to forget all this until he brought the damn thing home to check in front of you.

Seems more likely to me than an elaborate double bluff, anyway.

His face changed as he’d forgotten about wiping contacts - that was an oh shit look not a oh this is what this phone is! He might be roughly telling the truth about hadn’t used it in years, obviously hasn’t used it while not in the office, but he also had to have charged it to delete everything so was lying to you . Pretty awkward situation.
Original poster
Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 09:03

He has to this date denied that it was anything other than a friendship. He isn't the sharpest tool in the box, that is how I found out about it the first time. Text messages where they talk about this beautiful special friendship. Him giving her money, buying her lunch. Messages about him supporting her when she was 'depressed' about being fat. And lots of her saying he looked good today, he said I will always be here for you blah blah.
When I said it was inappropriate friendship - he got angry saying it was just a colleague turned friend (who I pointed out I had never met as I did all his other friends and he did mine) then he said that i was trying to control him etc.
When I said I was done. He has a choice to remain friends with her and I have a choice to not accept to be in this marriage. He then backtracked that his family was more important, begged and begged and I agreed to let it go and make things work and now this.

OP posts:
6demandingchildren · 22/10/2021 09:06

With pay as you go SIM cards you need to make our receive a call at least once every 6 months to keep it active, even if it's just a call to see how much credit you have left.

Original poster
Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 09:06

He used to have her number on his real phone - this was deleted and blocked 3 years ago.

I will type the numbers on his phone and see, although very unlikely will find anything. I know his phone password and i always use his phone when he is driving or if my battery is dead. Kids use his phone as well if they need to

OP posts:
LetHimHaveIt · 22/10/2021 09:08

I also think he's telling the truth, and believe you when you say he isn't the brightest.

However, the purchase of a burner phone three years ago to facilitate the affair suggests it was a very significant EA or that it was physical. He sounds a bit hopeless all round and I think you should jettison him.

yeahitsabadidea · 22/10/2021 09:08

Oh. So he's deleted her numbers now from the contacts. Why's that then...

Do you know them so you could check if they were in his phone (under a different name)?

But essentially he had a second phone for his secret. That's a step up from just an intense friendship. That's knowing you're doing something wrong and hiding it.

Newusernamelalala · 22/10/2021 09:08

If it were me I think I’d call the OW using that phone. I’m not saying it’s a good idea, I’d just want to see if I could get anything else out of her to know when they last spoke

user1471604848 · 22/10/2021 09:13

I think what happened is that his mum wanted a phone, and he knew he had his old burner phone.

He recharged it, wiped it of data (forgot to wipe contacts), and came home to you with his made-up story of just "discovering" it in his desk.
Then when he saw he had messed up and hadn't deleted contacts, his face was "oh shit!".

I'd believe him that he hasn't used it recently to contact the OW, but he's still definitely lying.

There's no way you wouldn't recognize your old phone from a couple of years ago, if you found it in your own desk!
Also, if it genuinely was a phone from someone at work, why would he be planning to give it to his mum - surely he'd hand it into Security in the office.

LeavesOffTheCactus · 22/10/2021 09:13

Do you believe that he bought a second secret phone to maintain an emotional affair? I’d be very suspicious that it wasn’t just emotional at the time.

I’d be out. Not because of the bringing the phone home thing but because of the original “emotional” affair.

Original poster
Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 09:13

@yeahitsabadidea - yes i took a photo of both numbers

@Newusernamelalala - I tried calling myself from the phone to get the number but there was no credit!

My dilemma is should I listen to him/his explanations - why is the phone still charged. Why does he still have it when he moved office - although right now I do not feel like i can believe anything he says even if it is the truth!
Or just walk away.
I feel numb, not angry, not depressed more drained and empty if that makes sense.

OP posts:
onelittlefrog · 22/10/2021 09:13

@Amisillyornot

He has to this date denied that it was anything other than a friendship. He isn't the sharpest tool in the box, that is how I found out about it the first time. Text messages where they talk about this beautiful special friendship. Him giving her money, buying her lunch. Messages about him supporting her when she was 'depressed' about being fat. And lots of her saying he looked good today, he said I will always be here for you blah blah. When I said it was inappropriate friendship - he got angry saying it was just a colleague turned friend (who I pointed out I had never met as I did all his other friends and he did mine) then he said that i was trying to control him etc. When I said I was done. He has a choice to remain friends with her and I have a choice to not accept to be in this marriage. He then backtracked that his family was more important, begged and begged and I agreed to let it go and make things work and now this.
If he doesn't understand that he actually did anything wrong, how will he change his behaviour for the future?

This is the issue.

He actually never saw where you were coming from or why you were upset back then, and so what happened was never actually resolved.

Some people are just incapable of understanding why a close "special friendship" without sex is an issue for their spouse (for some it isn't, but it's absolutely OK if it is for you!)

He is just not a good match for you because your views don't line up on this and you are not going to be able to change him.

DrSbaitso · 22/10/2021 09:14

His face changed as he’d forgotten about wiping contacts - that was an oh shit look not a oh this is what this phone is!

I guess so. I just find it hard to believe anyone could be THAT stupid. Forgetting about your burner phone is daft enough, but if it's been three years and you've largely forgotten her, I can just about believe it. Finding the burner phone, knowing what it is - or even having it still active to contact OW - and taking it home to show your wife, and without triple checking that you wiped it just seems on another level of idiocy.

onelittlefrog · 22/10/2021 09:16

[quote Amisillyornot]@yeahitsabadidea - yes i took a photo of both numbers

@Newusernamelalala - I tried calling myself from the phone to get the number but there was no credit!

My dilemma is should I listen to him/his explanations - why is the phone still charged. Why does he still have it when he moved office - although right now I do not feel like i can believe anything he says even if it is the truth!
Or just walk away.
I feel numb, not angry, not depressed more drained and empty if that makes sense.[/quote]
To be honest you will never know the truth behind this phone.

You have to ask yourself if he understands you, and if you truly feel he understands what he has done that has upset you.

Or does he feel you are being ridiculous to be upset?

If the latter, to be honest, I would walk away, because there's a fundamental lack of empathy/ understanding.

Mumoblue · 22/10/2021 09:17

Also mad that he still insists it was just a friendship now that you’ve found this? Who has a “secret phone” for calling their friend? Confused

Does he think you’re stupid? It’s insulting.

Redredwiney · 22/10/2021 09:19

Oh OP, I so wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that it was likely the burner phone he used during his EA, and he found the phone again now he’s back at work and decided to bring it home. But considering he used his actual phone for his EA, which is how you found the text messages, then it is possible he bought this phone to carry on communicating with her after you found out. I’m so sorry.

He has lied, but the question is when did he stop communicating truly. I suspect it ended ages ago, hence this phone being in his work belongings that he’s not accessed in months, but perhaps he did carry on after you found out, but after you worked on your marriage he decided to end it.