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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I believe DH or am I being naive.

676 replies

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 08:32

3 years ago DH had sort of an emotional affair with a colleague. When i found out he was very sorry blah blah and I agreed to give the marriage another go. 3 years there has been no issues and I had no reason to doubt it, he moved jobs etc and no contact with the OW.
Yesterday he brought home a phone and said that he found it. I said go through the call log and try and call people. He said that it was left in the drawer and must have been there since Jan (they moved into this new building in Jan) and as he was working mainly from home, he only saw that yesterday. He asked at work and it wasnt anyone.
I said he should have just left it there at reception. I found that weird as DH would be the first to try and find the owner. He once found a purse in a coffee shop and travelled 40 mins to return it to an old lady.

I said look at the call logs and try calling someone and he said it is empty, must be an old work phone from the previous office people. I said check contact. I even said that it was weird that there was no password. He pressed contacts and his face changed and he tried to walk away with the phone pretending to make tea. However I managed to see that there were 2 numbers and it was the name of the OW. I asked for the phone and he pretended he didnt hear. I followed him and said that he either hands the phone over or we are done. He gave me the phone - phone was empty (no emails set up and nothing except for the 2 names in contact) - he must have deleted everything except he forgot this.

Now i got extremely annoyed and just said we are done. He tried to explain - I havent used this in 3 years, I saw it in the drawer and thought I would bring it home, havent spoken to her in 3 years, even i was shocked when I saw the name still there..... I am so upset that I didnt want an argument and just went to sleep in spare room.

Not even sure what am asking here but I suppose I just want to know what you MN make of this.

OP posts:

QuentinBunbury · 22/10/2021 10:59

I am still not answering his calls...should I? I do not know what to say yet. I have so many questions yet I have no idea what to say...I do not want to hear more lies I suppose.
No rush- do what you need to do. Don't speak to him until you are ready. And be clear what you need when you do - are you cutting your losses,are there things you need to know to decide, do you want talk about how to make it work?
for you. You sound like a very strong person

Irishfarmer · 22/10/2021 11:01

All very odd. I'm sure you knew yourself at the time a line had been crossed, but it is so blurry, where is that line between good friend and EA? Regardless for you it had crossed and he supposedly cut off ties. But maybe he really doesn't see what the issue is, that if no sex was involved he did no wrong in his mind.

I wouldn't be jumping to leave him straight away. Is there anyone that could take the kids for a night or even a few hours? Ye could sit down and talk. Let him know how much it hurt you at the time, that sex or no sex him being closer to another woman than to you was painful and to have it all brought up again after all the effort you've gone to get passed it.

Press him on why he brought the phone home, to give to his mum? Surely he could have done a factory reset on the phone which would have wiped everything and it would have been like out of the box again. Why did he have a pay as you go phone in the first place? That is the strangest part.

As others have said the number would be disconnected if he hadn't used it in 3 years. I know you said you tried to call yourself from the phone, can you call that number, is it actually still connected? The charge thing, well if I found a random phone I probably would charge it to see who owned it, so that may be what he has done.

I think a long honest conversation needs to be had. Not to trip him up or anything but ask him similar questions but phrased differently and see if you get the same answers. If as you say he isn't the sharpest tool he won't be long about muddling up his story. If it's the truth it will stay the same.

blubberyboo · 22/10/2021 11:03

He hasn't spoken to me since you found out

Although this was 3 years ago it’s interesting that she ended her protest that nothing was going on with this line.

It suggests that something indeed was going on as why would a friendship need to be found out?

Anyway as for today you need to have the phone in your possession to investigate further in case the history can be retrieved or if she happens to ring or text

themadcatparade · 22/10/2021 11:05

I have a theory here

I think that he had an emotional affair with her and then when he blocked her and also cut contact, he got the secret phone and has been messaging her all this time up to now - with you thinking that the contact was over.

You do not go out of the way to have a secret phone to message another woman if you don't have feelings for her. That's a desperate move from a desperate man who needs the attention of this woman. It's clear that even after you found out about this woman and he pretended to cut ties with her he STILL lied to your face and was contacting her behind your back.

OP I think by this point it doesn't matter if he had a physical affair or not, the damage was done. I think emotional affairs turn physical eventually just messaging isn't enough for people. They want to spend time with each other in person. The woman in question will have obviously been fed a load of lies about your marriage by HIM or else she wouldn't have put up with being messaged off a married man for this long - she would have wanted more eventually and the only way she would have complied on an affair is if he had scripted the usual 'my situation and home life is shit, I'm miserable, I can't leave, I'm stuck in this marriage' etc etc crap. She will see you as the enemy and fall for his crap.

themadcatparade · 22/10/2021 11:06

And therefore, she will be compliant in lying for him to cover his ass.

Original poster

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 11:07

Phone still connected! I called it last night and it rang. It is an EE number

OP posts:

NataliaSerene · 22/10/2021 11:07

I could even believe she gave him the phone when he told her he was cutting contact. But he accepted it.

No matter what, I would demand to know his excuse for having this phone in his possession. Even if it’s old and he forgot about it, he obviously deceived you beyond what he’s admitted. And gaslighted but saying they were just friends.

FatCatThinCat · 22/10/2021 11:07

Why would you believe him? He's lying to you. You know he's lying to you. He told you he didn't know whose phone it was while knowing full well it was his. Even if he genuinely hasn't had further contact with her since it came out that doesn't change the fact that he's still lying to you today.

girlmom21 · 22/10/2021 11:09

@themadcatparade I was with you until this the only way she would have complied on an affair is if he had scripted the usual 'my situation and home life is shit, I'm miserable, I can't leave, I'm stuck in this marriage' etc etc crap. She will see you as the enemy and fall for his crap.

She wouldn't have contacted OP reassuring her if this was the case.

I just can't get my head around why he brought the phone home unless they continued for a while then one of them called an end to it.

NataliaSerene · 22/10/2021 11:10

@Amisillyornot

Phone still connected! I called it last night and it rang. It is an EE number

So it’s been active all this time, and now he’s pretending it’s a found phone.

ImUninsultable · 22/10/2021 11:10

@Amisillyornot

That's not necessarily bad. Phone companies recycle numbers. Some with as little as six months of no use.
If its PAYG and you dont use your phone for 6 months, you can find that your number has been disconnected from you and recycled to someone else.

So, they could have been using the phone or the number could have been recycled. Or it hasnt been used but is still attached to that sim because its PAYG.

girlmom21 · 22/10/2021 11:10

@Amisillyornot

Phone still connected! I called it last night and it rang. It is an EE number

Definitely not unused for 3 years then!

NataliaSerene · 22/10/2021 11:11

It’s all so stupid. You can’t just give a phone you found to someone else to use anyway. You’d still have to get it activated. So he’s a liar and stupid to boot.

themadcatparade · 22/10/2021 11:11

If it rang surely she will see a missed call and message? Maybe okay the waiting game and see if she gets in touch.

girlmom21 · 22/10/2021 11:12

@blubberyboo

He hasn't spoken to me since you found out

Although this was 3 years ago it’s interesting that she ended her protest that nothing was going on with this line.

It suggests that something indeed was going on as why would a friendship need to be found out?

Anyway as for today you need to have the phone in your possession to investigate further in case the history can be retrieved or if she happens to ring or text

This is a good point. And how would she know you'd found out if he hadn't spoken to her, and how would she know you were hurting and needed reassurance 3 months on?

themadcatparade · 22/10/2021 11:12

*play

ImUninsultable · 22/10/2021 11:12

Oh wait! I'm being stupid. I thought that said "it rang out" like you heard the ringing. Just realised you meant the physical phone he had rang when you called it.

So not recycled to someone else! Which is unusual. They're quite quick to recycle numbers.

Notimeforaname · 22/10/2021 11:12

Look this is so messy.

You can believe him that it's over and it probably is...but he still tells you lies.

He's not real with you.

He doesn't respect you enough to tell the truth.

All he is doing is protecting his ego.

He doesn't understand that truth and trust is what's needed.

He doesn't care that you need those things.

He doesn't care to give it to you.

Why would you settle for that?

Why would you do all this detective work and 'check up' on him.

It must be fucking exhausting.

Even after all of this he still lies to your face like you're some kind of thick. Stop buying it.

BlueSuffragette · 22/10/2021 11:14

He's lying OP. Used the burner phone to stay in contact with her even though he showed you he'd blocked her on his normal phone. Nobody buys a secret phone to stay in touch with somebody who is 'just a friend'. He's treated you like an idiot. How could you possibly trust him going forward?

Notimeforaname · 22/10/2021 11:15

Why waste your energy on a man that is still creating problems and telling lies about something which supposedly stopped years ago.

He's still lying. And you keep communicating to him that it is basically ok to do this to you and you will stay.

And you will go out of your way to check phone and ask questions.

This isn't what love is.

Hulahoopla · 22/10/2021 11:17

He obviously had a burner phone just for her ( hence her being only contact) so that smacks of an affair and not a friendship. So he did cheat, emotionally or otherwise.
I would hate to be with someone who lies like this. A lost phone in a desk when he knows all along it was his. On the lies alone I’d have lost all trust.

MotherofTerriers · 22/10/2021 11:17

Has he deleted messages and emptied the "bin" he put them in? It might be worth seeing what you can retrieve from the phone, or getting someone with a bit of expertise to try.

blubberyboo · 22/10/2021 11:17

Sometime since you first found out 3 years ago he ceased contacting her on his normal phone and started using this burner phone. Only reason would be to keep the continued contact hidden from you.

It’s still an active EE number
It’s charged
He doesn’t use the phone for any other purpose or other contacts so its a pointless phone only being used for a hidden friendship. Whether that friendship or EA has ended right now or not, he still has continued it at some point since first telling you it had stopped.

I wouldn’t be answering his calls or giving any clues as to what questions you have as that only gives him leverage to dig more lies.

crochetmonkey74 · 22/10/2021 11:18

I will never understand the stupidity of these men like this. And the absolute lengths of panicked lying.

Original poster

Amisillyornot · 22/10/2021 11:20

@themadcatparade

If it rang surely she will see a missed call and message? Maybe okay the waiting game and see if she gets in touch.

No I called the phone from my mobile(in front of him) and it rang.

OP posts:

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