MIL shared photos of my pregnancy without asking

[Onaloop]

My MIL came to visit, I'm pregnant with my rainbow baby and haven't posted anything about it on social media so a lot of my friends dont know I'm pregnant again. She's just posted a load of photos of me heavily pregnant on social media. She hasn't tagged me but is friends with some of my friends and I'm feeling upset about it because I wanted to share the news when the baby was born. My husband says im overreacting and I should've said not to post anything if I cared that much, but it didn't cross my mind that she would. My MIL is quite narcissistic and I wonder if she's done it on purpose so she is the one who let's everyone know, but also maybe I'm being over sensitive. Ive had some issues with her previously but don't know if I should let it go? She posted hours ago so its too late to do anything about it. Am I being unreasonable in being pissed off?

[C8H10N4O2]

@SleepingStandingUp

Really? Your first thought would be to take offence and feel slighted rather than "gosh I hadn't realised how deeply my friend was affected"?
I didn't say my first thought *@C8H10N4O2*, let's not get dramatic. And it isn't about taking offence. Its about realising that people view friendships differently and this would make me realise that we viewed our "close" friendship differently. Deep friendships aren't about sharing the good times but about being there thru the hard times too. Op isn't wrong to not tell them. It's her news. But it would make me realise that I'm not that close for her

Different words, same concept. Its still about you.

Multiple women one this thread have described how after loss(es) they feared to talk about it even to close friends and sometimes non immediate family. You choose to interpret that as a slight or sign they don't think you matter enough, others on this thread interpret it as a sign of the depth of emotions their friend was experiencing.

I prefer people in the latter camp.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Different words, same concept. Its still about you anything that happens in our friendship is about both of us. If you were my best friend and you announced you'd had a baby last week, my first thought would be shock followed by joy. It would be an "omg, what?? How?? That's so amazing" level of response. The fact that I'd reflect on that she didn't tell me at any point in the last 9 months when I asked her how she was, when I shared my own deeply personal stuff etc and what that meant about us doesn't mean I'd phone her and scream down the phone that I'm the one that matters and she should have told me the second she peed on a stick. It doesn't mean if we ever got on to talking about why she didn't that I wouldn't reassure her it's her body and her news to tell when she's ready, as I've put up thread. Or that is ghost her and send a copy of Malificent on her daughters christening. It also doesn't make me an evil bitch for thinking that our relationship isn't as close as I thought it was and to make me second guess what things I lean on her for support for. The fact that you wouldn't be my friend in rl is something I can absolutely live with @C8H10N4O2

[SleepingStandingUp]

I'm glad you've got your friends @HeyFloof and I hope with everything that you get to surprise them with a photo of your beautiful baby and your beaming face

[groundcontroltomajormum]

Chill love . It's not a secret.

[Getyourownback]

@groundcontroltomajormum

Chill love . It's not a secret.

Ugh. What a post.

[HeyFloof]

@SleepingStandingUp

I'm glad you've got your friends *@HeyFloof* and I hope with everything that you get to surprise them with a photo of your beautiful baby and your beaming face

Thank you, If I can get as far as a positive anomaly scan, that hopefully might be my "OK, I can share this with them now" moment.

If I don't have a good scan then at least telling them the bad news would be a single blow, rather than have had them worrying for the previous few months. I want to protect them too. They were broken with me, I don't want to do that again to them. They all have enough on their plates as it is.

[GreyhoundG1rl]

Different words, same concept. Its still about you.
It's quite odd to keep insisting that we should be completely and totally empathic with other people's feelings and not consider our own feelings in the scenario at all, otherwise we're some sort of monster with something lacking.
I doubt even Mother Teresa lived her life quite like that.

[HeyFloof]

@GreyhoundG1rl

Different words, same concept. Its still about you.
It's quite odd to keep insisting that we should be completely and totally empathic with other people's feelings and not consider our own feelings in the scenario at all, otherwise we're some sort of monster with something lacking.
I doubt even Mother Teresa lived her life quite like that.

It's not so much about opinions for me, it's about the assumption on a few of the posts here that the bereaved mother is wrong for not feeling able to publicly share news that she is expecting again. And that her friends would be secretly annoyed that she hadn't told them, rather than understanding that her anxiety and fear are probably sky high.

Pregnancy following baby loss is really complicated, it's absolutely normal (in my experience of the baby loss community) for a lot of women to to not tell anyone (other than medical professionals) and to go so far as to actively hide it from people.

People who know you are pregnant, will ask about the baby. If the baby doesn't come. home, they see you without the baby, they still ask. They assume that the baby is being minded by family. They approach you with joy and happiness, with open arms and love. Its indescribably hard to tell people that your darling baby is dead. You see your grief reflected in people's faces and you have to keep your own emotions together while you ruin their day.

If nobody knows you are pregnant and the baby doesn't come home, nobody will ask about the baby. You get to share your grief on your own terms. You live in hope that you get to bring that baby home, and that you get to see people light up when they see you with a pram.

It's as much about sparing other people's feelings as it is your own.

[GreyhoundG1rl]

I'm sorry it's so raw for you, Floof .
I'm wondering, though; how do you get to late pregnancy without meeting people in real life? How many people have friends they only interact with on social media?

[Pottedpalm]

Really, you just want to moan about your mother in law, I suspect. And there’s usually a willing audience on Mumsnet.

[HeyFloof]

@GreyhoundG1rl

I'm sorry it's so raw for you, Floof .
I'm wondering, though; how do you get to late pregnancy without meeting people in real life? How many people have friends they only interact with on social media?

My best friends are scattered across the country. We text and WhatsApp, but it's really easy to not see them in person for months on end (even without covid) and to only share pictures of the kids in the group chat. Between work, differing school holiday schedules and general family life, planning get togethers is a whole event in itself

My best friend from school I haven't seen in person since Jan 2020. I don't share any pictures on FB, and use IG sparingly. I don't have many occasions to dress up so I wouldn't share pictures of myself and its coming up to long cardigans, scarf and big coat weather which would make hiding it in person easier.

[NormanStangerson]

I hope everyone who was shitty to and about the OP, including the idiotic recent post, read this by @HeyFloof. She’s spelled it out beautifully for those who are hard of empathy.

Pregnancy following baby loss is really complicated, it's absolutely normal (in my experience of the baby loss community) for a lot of women to to not tell anyone (other than medical professionals) and to go so far as to actively hide it from people.

People who know you are pregnant, will ask about the baby. If the baby doesn't come. home, they see you without the baby, they still ask. They assume that the baby is being minded by family. They approach you with joy and happiness, with open arms and love. Its indescribably hard to tell people that your darling baby is dead. You see your grief reflected in people's faces and you have to keep your own emotions together while you ruin their day.

If nobody knows you are pregnant and the baby doesn't come home, nobody will ask about the baby. You get to share your grief on your own terms. You live in hope that you get to bring that baby home, and that you get to see people light up when they see you with a pram.

It's as much about sparing other people's feelings as it is your own.

[DDivaStar]

It is odd to keep the whole pregnancy secret. Assumingly you knew she took the pictures and are aware she uses fb so you really should have asked her not to share the pictures.

In all honesty doing it this way you won't get a grand baby reveal as some people will have known about the pregnancy just through seeing you. You will also find randoms find out before friends. If you see someone you dont know very well they will see you are pregnant before a much closer friend you've not seen face to face for a while.

[Youseethethingis]

People who know you are pregnant, will ask about the baby. If the baby doesn't come. home, they see you without the baby, they still ask. They assume that the baby is being minded by family. They approach you with joy and happiness, with open arms and love. Its indescribably hard to tell people that your darling baby is dead. You see your grief reflected in people's faces and you have to keep your own emotions together while you ruin their day
This brought me to tears, it is so so true.
I have a pair of shoes. It's an ugly pair of shoes. Nobody wants my shoes. Nobody can imagine the pain of walking in my shoes. Once you put those shoes on, you can never take them off.

[Inertia]

Sorry for your loss @Onaloop
@HeyFloof is spot on. Pregnancy after miscarriage is difficult, and it’s not up to your MIL to decide who finds out, and when. It’s also not up to your husband to decide what should be acceptable to you when it’s your body that they seem to consider public property.

I would report the photos to Facebook. I’d also make sure that MIL is told about the baby’s arrival after the other important people in your lives, so that her over-sharing doesn’t impact your other loved ones.

[Blanketpolicy]

Yabu to expect your MIL to know, without being told, that you are keeping your pregnancy secret from your friends until the birth.

Social media just acentuates this strange behaviour people have of keeping everyday news secret to just some people then sulking when others mention it because they didn't know it was a ridiculous secret.

[myheartskippedabeat]

Report her to Facebook that's awful

[NormanStangerson]

In all honesty doing it this way you won't get a grand baby reveal as some people will have known about the pregnancy just through seeing you

She doesn’t want a ‘grand baby reveal’ @DDivaStar, she’s previously had a late pregnancy miscarriage and she’s beyond petrified of it happening again. She doesn’t want to say anything until the baby has arrived safely.

If you want to understand that, read @HeyFloof’s beautiful explanation further up the thread.

[SB91]

You are not being unreasonable. I had the same issue and it's part of the reason I came off social media as it was stressing me out before I've even given birth. It's normal to want to keep things to yourself especially if you are worried about something going wrong. I would let your MIL know and ask her to take them down. I'm due in 5 weeks time and worried that our in law's will announce the babies birth before we have (as they announced the news that we were expecting on Facebook before we had a chance). It's so frustrating as it takes over and isn't respectful.

[Justilou1]

@NormanStangerson - @DDivaStar isn’t trying to imply that the OP wants a grand baby reveal, but was pointing out that anyone who saw her in the flesh - even randoms that she barely knew - might be talking about her pregnancy anyway, so the photos on the internet thing might be redundant.

However, @Onaloop has made it clear that she’s basically been hibernating to protect herself and her baby during this pregnancy. She lives abroad and hasn’t mentioned that she returned home to visit, so I assume that either MIL lives in the same country or had come to visit her and taken the photos then. I very much doubt that she’s likely to run into any “randoms” or friends or acquaintances.