MIL shared photos of my pregnancy without asking

[Onaloop]

My MIL came to visit, I'm pregnant with my rainbow baby and haven't posted anything about it on social media so a lot of my friends dont know I'm pregnant again. She's just posted a load of photos of me heavily pregnant on social media. She hasn't tagged me but is friends with some of my friends and I'm feeling upset about it because I wanted to share the news when the baby was born. My husband says im overreacting and I should've said not to post anything if I cared that much, but it didn't cross my mind that she would. My MIL is quite narcissistic and I wonder if she's done it on purpose so she is the one who let's everyone know, but also maybe I'm being over sensitive. Ive had some issues with her previously but don't know if I should let it go? She posted hours ago so its too late to do anything about it. Am I being unreasonable in being pissed off?

[diddl]

I don't think that your MIL (or anyone) would be thinking that there were lot of friends that you wouldn't be telling until the baby is born.

That said & even without taking your loss into consideration, it would have been nice to ask as surely everyone wouldn't want a pic of them pregnant on sm?

[saraclara]

but I should've made that clear to my MIL.

Yes. This whole incident is down to the fact that you didn't tell her your plan. So she's not to blame because how on earth was she supposed to know what you were doing, otherwise?

It's so unusual for someone to take your course of action, that she can't even be reasonably expected to consider the possibility. It's absolutely fine for you to choose this, but if you're going to have unusual rules, you need to share them.

[Couchbettato]

You can only be upset someone has crossed your boundaries once you've established those boundaries.

I mean, you can still be upset. You can feel however you want, but logically you can't expect every one to read minds.

If you had said that you didn't want photos sharing then your husband is wrong, your Mil is wrong and you're justified in feeling upset.

[NewlyGranny]

MiL is supposed to know the universal rule: no images in An without the express consent or blanket permission of the subject!

It's not difficult. Think of it like sexual consent. If you don't have a clear yes, it's no.

Babies and children can't give consent for their images to be posted; that's their parents' prerogative. Whether you're partying, posing, preoccupied or pregnant; same rules.

OP has a right to be angry and needs to straighten matters with her MiL now, before the baby arrives or things will get worse. If MiL wants to visit, she needs to know the rules.

[NewlyGranny]

An? I typed SM!

[HiJenny35]

Oh come on, previous pregnancy stillbirth at 20 weeks, mil is on her feed she knows she hasn't posted about the pregnancy, any reasonable person wouldn't be so self absorbed to think posting pictures of her pregnant without checking was OK. No op you are not being at all unreasonable, mil was being an arse and knew she was, she wanted to get the post out there and she got what she wanted. You need to be very clear that no news about you having the baby, sex of baby, that baby is here, photos etc is to be put online and that you will do it when you are ready or she will do that too.

[NewlyGranny]

I ask DC Every. Single. Time. They have never said no, and I am especially careful with images of DGC. I don't ask often and whenever I take a batch of photos, the people concerned get them in their private WhatsApp first so they can decide if they want to share them first or not at all.

SM etiquette exists and MiL needs to learn it. She's been very rude whether she realises it or not!

[berlinbabylon]

I wouldn't have liked it if people had taken pictures of me when I was pregnant and posted them on social media.

I don't have a single picture of me visibly pregnant (thank goodness). I have one that was taken when I was about 15 weeks and you wouldn't know.

As for the MIL posting pictures, I have a friend whose sister doesn't post any pictures of her kids on social media. If you are one of her friends or relatives you have to abide by her rules.

[washingmachines4]

I had recurrent miscarriage and 2 x 2nd trimester pregnancy losses and I completely get where you are coming from. We hid our pregnancy almost to full term after that. Your MIL is out of line. Tell her to take the pictures down. Your good friends will understand why you have kept it quiet.
All the best with the rest of your pregnancy.

[BoredZelda]

My husband says im overreacting and I should've said not to post anything if I cared that much, but it didn't cross my mind that she would.

He’s right. It’s obvious if someone is on social media, friends with your friends, you ask them not to post if you want something to be secret.

My MIL is quite narcissistic

And yet you are the one who thinks her posts are all about you. Were these single shots of you pregnant, or were you part of a group?

[BoredZelda]

We hid our pregnancy almost to full term after that. Your MIL is out of line. Tell her to take the pictures down.

Presumably you also asked people not to post anything on SM about it?

[washingmachines4]

@BoredZelda

We hid our pregnancy almost to full term after that. Your MIL is out of line. Tell her to take the pictures down.

Presumably you also asked people not to post anything on SM about it?

I am graced with generally a lovely family with 1 exception - I never had to tell most of my family not to post online about me, they are lovely and they wouldn't and didn't.

The 1 I didn't trust didn't have access to me/photos in order to post - had they of done then yes I would have made it clear it was not going on SM.

[MissChanandlerBong81]

How weird some of the replies are. If you had a friend who’d suffered a stillbirth you’d be pissed off with them for keeping quiet about a subsequent pregnancy?

To some extent I think it does depend on the nature of the photos OP - if they’re ‘bump shots’ just of you then it’s very weird and insensitive of her to post them on Facebook; if you’re part of a group in the picture then less so. But given you’ve been hiding your pregnancy I doubt they are large group shots?

[ArianaDumbledore]

YANBU
I'm not sure how it's got to the point that any photo taken is assumed to go on SM unless you specify otherwise. Given the late loss, you take your cues from the expectant mother, and if she's not posted on SM then there's no need for anyone else to.

[theremustonlybeone]

Noone should be sharing photos unless agreed. My Dh brothers family dont share any images of themselves or the kids on social media. I would never share any of them on mine, they didnt have to tell me. I can see for myself how they use it. . I would assume OP DH has raised the anxiety about this pregnancy to his mother. I cant imagine for one minute this woman doesnt know OP is anxious and cautious and isnt sharing images of herself on her own FB. MIL should have followed suit and not shared any herself. If she is a narcc then I agree she did it deliberately as she likely thinks your being precious at not sharing

[Crunchymum]

Why is your MIL FB friends with your friends?

[WellLarDeDar]

Honestly I don't think anyone should upload photos of someone else on social media without their permission. And I also don't think it's fair game to tell everyone anything you want just because no one has told you not to. I would have thought most adults would be able to make sensible judgement calls about not spread other people's private news.all over social media...

[SleepingStandingUp]

How weird some of the replies are. If you had a friend who’d suffered a stillbirth you’d be pissed off with them for keeping quiet about a subsequent pregnancy? I'd just qn how close we were. My excitement for her happy news would mean I wouldn't say anything but I would assume that we weren't actually close and she didn't see me as someone she trusted and relied on.

[C8H10N4O2]

@SleepingStandingUp

How weird some of the replies are. If you had a friend who’d suffered a stillbirth you’d be pissed off with them for keeping quiet about a subsequent pregnancy? I'd just qn how close we were. My excitement for her happy news would mean I wouldn't say anything but I would assume that we weren't actually close and she didn't see me as someone she trusted and relied on.

Really? Your first thought would be to take offence and feel slighted rather than "gosh I hadn't realised how deeply my friend was affected"?

[C8H10N4O2]

@BoredZelda

We hid our pregnancy almost to full term after that. Your MIL is out of line. Tell her to take the pictures down.

Presumably you also asked people not to post anything on SM about it?

Well the relative knew they were not generally sharing the information but when on and shared it on their behalf.

Ignore for a moment that its MiL - nobody should be sharing about others on SM without checking first. It doesn't matter what the context is, its about basic respect for privacy of other people.

[lanthanum]

Once you're showing, it's reasonable for people to assume that it is public knowledge.

As to whether someone shares photos of you on social media (pregnant or not), I think you need to say when they're taken if you don't want them on social media.

[HopingForOurRainbowBaby]

I've had 5 losses so this would massively piss me off too if I was heavily Pregnant with my rainbow Baby but hadn't told many people and someone posted pictures of me all over Facebook. YANBU!! I'm sorry for your previous loss

[frazzledasarock]

Your MIL is a botch and your H is being a wimp trying to take her side over this.

I had six miscarriages in a row and I didn’t tell a single person I was pregnant outside of immediate family and best friend till I safely had my baby.

None of my friends were upset they were thrilled for me and nobody made it about themselves. They all understood my reasoning.
I was half in denial about my pregnancy in case I had lost the baby as I couldn’t stand the fear of it.

I’d ensure MIL only ever gets pictures you are happy for her to forward on to people if you WhatsApp her use the delete after one view option for photos.

Congratulations on your pregnancy i hope everything goes smoothly and you have your healthy rainbow baby soon.

[saraclara]

You can only be upset someone has crossed your boundaries once you've established those boundaries.

Absolutely this.

It's all very well to say that no-one should post pictures of you on their own FB page unless they've asked first. But 95%+ of people don't ask every time because there's a history of sharing photos of days out etc. Consequently if you feel strongly about photos of yourself not bein shared (ever, or for a specific period or reason, as in the OP) then it's up to you to make that clear. You can't rely on your assuming anything of others.