MIL shared photos of my pregnancy without asking

[Onaloop]

My MIL came to visit, I'm pregnant with my rainbow baby and haven't posted anything about it on social media so a lot of my friends dont know I'm pregnant again. She's just posted a load of photos of me heavily pregnant on social media. She hasn't tagged me but is friends with some of my friends and I'm feeling upset about it because I wanted to share the news when the baby was born. My husband says im overreacting and I should've said not to post anything if I cared that much, but it didn't cross my mind that she would. My MIL is quite narcissistic and I wonder if she's done it on purpose so she is the one who let's everyone know, but also maybe I'm being over sensitive. Ive had some issues with her previously but don't know if I should let it go? She posted hours ago so its too late to do anything about it. Am I being unreasonable in being pissed off?

It seems like MIL wasn't aware you didn't want photos posted so I think YABU.

If there was no background I'd say it was thoughtless, but with background, maybe malicious, hard to say.

But, ask her to take them down & use this opportunity to state what the 'rules' are re photos of the baby.

Your husband bothers me more. Is he generally an unsupportive, uncaring arse?

I hid my pregnancy from most of my friends.

I had previously had two miscarriages (one very late due to a very rare chromosomal abnormality.). This was my 10th IVF, and finally I was pregnant with twins. I was TERRIFIED of something going wrong.

Luckily, even though it was twins, my bump was small. I hid it in work till 25 weeks. I told one friend at about 15 weeks. I still met friends till about 5 months, and they didn't notice. At 7 months I told some friends, and others once I gave birth.

They were delighted for me, since they knew how much I wanted kids.
One friend did say that she thought we were closer and was upset I hadn't told her. But I explained it was about me and my fear and anxiety of something going wrong, and nothing to do with my closeness to her.

So I get it, OP. Could you ask MIL to take the photos down?

As someone who isn’t active on social media this would have pissed me off. No one has the right to share photos of me, pregnant or otherwise, online. There are no photos of me pregnant or DS online, as per my wish. DH doesn’t use social media at all, that’s a decision he had made, and our DS can choose what to post when he’s old enough: 13 is the age restriction on FB.

I do find it odd that you haven't told your friends that you're pregnant, when you're quite far on, sorry! Your decision, but I don't understand how your MIL was supposed to know that you were keeping it a surprise? That's your business though.

Having said that, this would still annoy me. I don't understand why it's become normalised over the years to post pictures on the internet of people without that person's consent. That picture will be on the Internet forever, even it's deleted. I know my opinion isn't a popular one though, as most people are a lot more laid back and don't mind. I just think people should be more considerate of the privacy of others.

My husband says im overreacting and I should've said not to post anything if I cared that much, but it didn't cross my mind that she would

Your DH is correct - your MIL is not a mind-reader

I feel for your circumstances, but if you didn't ask her not to, then of course she will. It might not occur to you but to anyone else once someone is so heavily pregnant it would announce itself in RL, it would no longer be considered private because it's so clearly happening. Your being abroad might mean different people are actually setting eyes on you, but it doesn't negate the general idea.

I don't think it would be a good idea to let this blight either the rest of your pregnancy or the family relationship with new DGP.

I didn't say anything on Facebook when I was pregnant. Wasn't important as baby wasn't here. People I saw knew and family etc. I posted a photo when dd was aged 4 days and shocked alot of people. Just didn't think about it. It wasn't a secret just I thought boring until baby was here. I'd talk to your mil and ask her to take photo down if you don't want it up there.

@Rosesareyellow

This is so bizarre. They can’t be particularly close friends if you’re able to keep this from them for so long even if they live miles away - you’ve literally spent 9 months texting or phoning and pretended you’re not pregnant? (as a close friend I wouldn’t find you’re special reveal cute, I’d find it weird and mildly irritating. As a friend you don’t speak to much I’m hardly going to be that bothered and you could have saved yourself the effort of hiding it especially for me ) if you’re MIL didn’t know and you didn’t say anything about this then it’s hardly her fault - who assumes that someone is hiding their pregnancy from the world? I’d be more worried about what your ‘friends’ are thinking and saying about you now after fibbing about being pregnant than your mother in law upstaging you.

Exactly this!!

You're not being rather silly at all. Some people really have no kindness or empathy.

I had a miscarriage and then when I was pregnant again I didn't tell all the people who I lived far away. I was embarrassed to which makes me sad but I had told everyone I was expecting then the baby died.

I'd ask her not to post photos on line with you or the baby in without you saying it is okay but you have done nothing wrong in not telling everyone and are not wrong for being upset she has done this.

@TomBradysLeftKneecap

Jesus Christ. Being a parent/parent of a pregnant person/ mother of the father of the pregnant person, mother of someone else who may or may not be related is exhausting. WTF? This is just plain stupid. Just saying....

Is that really the best you can do or do you just want to hurt someone?

Saying "just saying" is not cool or clever. It makes you look like an idiot who thinks they are smart.

This is another thread where its how your frame it.

All she did was take some photos and put them on social media.

Framing it as 'she posted photos of my pregnancy' makes it sound like she knew you didn't want this. Took photos either without you knowing or under false pretences and then posted them on purpose to announce your pregnancy.

I am so sorry for your loss. But non of us react the same way, when we lose a child. I can't think of a reason that mil should have guesses your thinking.

I think, you need to let this go, even if it's just for yourself. But be clear in future. Of she is taking photos, tell her you don't want photos of you on social media.

I think it depends on the context. If for example it's a family gathering and you happen to be in some pictures with a big bump then I can't see she has done anything wrong. If she has purposefully took photographs of only you and uploaded them it is a bit strange. Have you told her that you wasn't putting anything on SM? She may not realise you haven't told your friends. I get your reasoning for not doing so but at the same time it isn't a common thing to do.

Does she know you don't like pictures of yourself on Facebook?

Does she know you are keeping your pregnancy a secret?

This is the worst. I would be upset too and your DH should support you

When I gave birth to my first their dads Aunty posted it on social media before me and that upset me

OP, I feel like an asshole. I'm so sorry, I should have read your updates! I'm assuming the reason you didn't want people knowing is because of your previous losses, which is completely understandable. I'm also sorry that your mother in law didnt react well to what happened, that's terrible.

I'm so sorry that you lost your beautiful babies ❤❤

you are well passed the point of announcing
There isn’t a unified “point of announcing”. No law, no social convention – some do it very early for support in case of miscarriage, some after the 12-week scan, some the 20-week scan. Some, like me and OP, and lots of people I know, not til there’s a baby.

And I’m not at all sure where pp are getting the idea that OP wants to be all stagey and SURPRISE about her baby and is pissed off that MIL has ruined that. It’s perfectly clear to me that being private around her pregnancy is borne out of anxiety and fear, but well done to all the shitbags on this thread for being dicks about it.

Given people can have friends worldwide it’s not totally wild to keep a pregnancy from your friends, intentionally or not – people who see you in person know, people who don’t, don’t. And not everyone wants to do a social media “reveal”. I use social media for idle chit chat and work and hobbies (eg “here’s my garden”), not personal life stuff.

FWIW, OP, when I announced my daughter’s birth not a single friend gave a hoot that they hadn’t known of the pregnancy. She and I were showered with love, joy, food and understanding. It’s a lovely memory.

How on earth can people think you’re being unreasonable. Clearly your MIL is!

She shouldn’t be posting photos without your consent pregnant or not. Especially given your previous loss.

Big hugs, she sounds awful and hope all goes smoothly xx

@Jangle33

She shouldn’t be posting photos without your consent pregnant or not.

Agreed!!!

You didn't tell her it was a secret so for that yabu. She's excited, you let her take photos of you and still you didn't tell her not to tell people, your mistake. I understand that you are nervous due to loosing a little one but if it's really obvious I don't understand why you don't think people will notice if you bump into them, do you never meet up with friends?

[quote Onaloop]@NormanStangerson thank you! I'm not sure why people think my friends would stop being friends with me because I waited to tell them about my pregnancy? Seems like a weird conclusion to jump to. My friends know what I went through with my pregnancy loss last year and I know they will understand.[/quote]
If one of my actual friends (rather than just 'somebody' I'd added on fb) went through 9 months of pregnancy without talking to me about it, especially if I was close enough to be aware of their pregnancy loss, I'd find that incredibly odd, and yes, I'd question that friendship.

Pregnancy is a joyous/terrifying experience, more so if you've suffered loss before. I'd absolutely want to share my journey with those people who I knew could support me through such an agonisingly anxious time.

OP you should deffo ask mil to remove the pics, ASAP, and have a VERY direct conversation about sharing photos of the baby.

Then I'd be having a bit of a cull on fb - I only have folk I'd be OK to have round for a family dinner (covid/travel restrictions allowing) who I'm genuinely supportive of, and who I know would want to support me through good times and bad.

FWIW I think your friends are going to be incredibly surprised by your new arrival, and yes, some will question that friendship.

"those who matter won't mind, those who mind don't matter"

Well as she is only a MIL she is obviously wrong in everything she does. Some posters on here think MIL's are Satan in human form.

No, she should have asked first before posting.

Unless she has a history of deliberate nastiness, I would presume that it was accidental. She may have been carried away with the excitement, and maybe hadn’t realised that by putting it on social media she was basically telling the world against your wishes.

Going forward, I think you need to be clear on where you’re comfortable with her sharing photos of the baby - she’s going to want to coo over them with friends, and why not.

I’d also message your friends and explain to them why you felt you needed to keep this pregnancy to yourself and that your MIL shared photos before you could break the news.

Why did you let her take photos of you anyway? This is a classic case of shutting the stable door, etc, etc.

@Rosesareyellow

This is so bizarre. They can’t be particularly close friends if you’re able to keep this from them for so long even if they live miles away - you’ve literally spent 9 months texting or phoning and pretended you’re not pregnant? (as a close friend I wouldn’t find you’re special reveal cute, I’d find it weird and mildly irritating. As a friend you don’t speak to much I’m hardly going to be that bothered and you could have saved yourself the effort of hiding it especially for me ) if you’re MIL didn’t know and you didn’t say anything about this then it’s hardly her fault - who assumes that someone is hiding their pregnancy from the world? I’d be more worried about what your ‘friends’ are thinking and saying about you now after fibbing about being pregnant than your mother in law upstaging you.

Many people have good friends they have not been able to see for the last couple of years. Its hardly uncommon. I have life long friends who I may not be able to see for months on end but as soon as we are back together its like we were never apart. This is normal.

It is very common for women who have experienced loss to want to avoid making much or even talking about a subsequent pregnancy. When people are local you bump into them and the conversation just arises. When people are far away it becomes more of an announcement and women often wait until much later. If you can't empathise with that difference just try accepting it as reality.

Nobody should post images of others on SM without consent. Doesn't matter who they are or what the relationship.