MIL shared photos of my pregnancy without asking

[Onaloop]

My MIL came to visit, I'm pregnant with my rainbow baby and haven't posted anything about it on social media so a lot of my friends dont know I'm pregnant again. She's just posted a load of photos of me heavily pregnant on social media. She hasn't tagged me but is friends with some of my friends and I'm feeling upset about it because I wanted to share the news when the baby was born. My husband says im overreacting and I should've said not to post anything if I cared that much, but it didn't cross my mind that she would. My MIL is quite narcissistic and I wonder if she's done it on purpose so she is the one who let's everyone know, but also maybe I'm being over sensitive. Ive had some issues with her previously but don't know if I should let it go? She posted hours ago so its too late to do anything about it. Am I being unreasonable in being pissed off?

[WeasilyPleased]

I 100% agree with @NormanStangerson. No empathy or understanding from MIL and no empathy or understanding from the majority of PPs.

[NormanStangerson]

If I’m honest, I’m actually starting to find it a bit distressing how so many threads go this way, and how posters are so giddy to make shitty posts to a woman who lost a baby late in her pregnancy, and tell her her caution is ‘a bit silly’ and that she’ll lose friends because of it.

It’s so fucked.

[Dasher789]

So confused by pp. If you haven't been posting on sm about pregnancy and you look pregnant, I think its totally out of order for anyone to post photos of you on sm without checking 1st. Its the same with wedding photos, you wait until the couple have posted before you do. And even kids, some of my friends don't post photos of their kids on sm and some do. If I had a photo of one of them I wouldn't dream of posting it unless the parents did. Its like the unspoken rule of sm to not post other peoples business unless they are already doing it. YANBU at all and of course your friends wil understand. All the best with your pregnancy.

[NoDecentHandlesLeft]

If you are heavily pregnant, I expect she thought everybody knew already.

[PurpleOkapi]

Uh, yeah. No matter your reasons for wanting to hide an entire pregnancy from everyone you know, it's completely unreasonable to expect to be able to pull it off. Did you specifically tell her that you were trying to do that? If not, she probably had no idea this would cause a problem, because the possibility of your pregnancy being a closely-guarded secret well past the point where it's visibly obvious just wouldn't occur to most normal people.

[me4real]

I'm not sure why people think my friends would stop being friends with me because I waited to tell them about my pregnancy? Seems like a weird conclusion to jump to. My friends know what I went through with my pregnancy loss last year and I know they will understand.

I'm sure anyone would understand OP. x

[CampfireZen]

OP, I really wish you a safe arrival of your baby, both of you much health and happiness thereafter, and am sorry you went through such a traumatic time with prior loss.

[Derbee]

Very strange attitude from you. If you’re so weird about keeping a pregnancy secret from everyone, you should have made it clear that you didn’t want photos on social media. You’re merely in the photos, MIL hasn’t taken photos of you and shared them around. There’s a difference.

You’ve had a traumatic experience with your last pregnancy, and it’s understandable to be feeling unsure about this pregnancy, but it’s not a normal thing to expect everyone to keep a pregnancy secret, and hide all traces of it. So you needed to speak up really

[TomBradysLeftKneecap]

Jesus Christ. Being a parent/parent of a pregnant person/ mother of the father of the pregnant person, mother of someone else who may or may not be related is exhausting. WTF? This is just plain stupid. Just saying....

[thumpingrug]

Once your bump starts to show its basically public information. If you were waiting to tell these friends once the baby was born they cant be that close or people you see particularly frequently. If i was one of these friends id be pretty cheesed off to be told after the birth to be honest.

[Tessa2014]

This thread makes me wonder what sort of people actually use Mumsnet. OP I am heavily pregnant with my second dc, having very luckily had an easy pregnancy before, and I have posted nothing on social media at all. My close friends and those who live near me know. I would be a bit fed up if suddenly all these photos of me appeared on social media and that’s without the very sad history that you have.
Ignore 50% of the posters on here who are clearly very unpleasant. Do what makes you most comfortable in this pregnancy.
To pls criticising the OP:
If a friend had had a still birth and she then posted on Facebook that she had had a healthy baby would you be:
A) delighted
B) really upset that she hadn’t told you she was pregnant?
If the answer is B then you are a pretty self absorbed unpleasant friend.

[Tilltheend99]

I think you are being incredibly harsh to judge when op didn’t say how far along she was when she lost her previous pregnancy. She may have perfectly valid reasons to want to wait till baby is in her arms to tell people and most of these replies are unusually judging for MN. (Unless it’s MIL night and I hadn’t realised)

[Justilou1]

1. Regardless of whether @Onaloop specifically told MIL not to share the photos on SM, everyone knows that sharing photos of someone else without their permission is a consent issue.
   
   
2. DH does not get to decide that OP’s (or anyone else’s) feelings on the subject are disproportionate. Minimizing the wife’s feelings and boundaries to avoid standing up to his overbearing/intrusive/unreasonable Mummy seems to be Standard Operating Procedure for DH’s on these boards. OP has made it clear that she has had issues with MIL before, so I wouldn’t OP has made it clear that she has had issues with MIL before be surprised if that’s a recurring theme, but that is not specifically stated here.
   
   
3. Those who are calling out @Onaloop for being upset are either not thinking about all of this in context or totally devoid of empathy. She has had to grieve the loss of her baby virtually alone because she has been living abroad - through Covid - with the medical limitations that has brought about, isolated from family and friends - been yet she has been brave enough to become pregnant again. I think that when it comes to pregnancy (most especially pregnancy after loss) the woman should get to decide what she needs to do to feel most empowered and in control of her emotional and physical health and happiness.

[Tilltheend99]

@TomBradysLeftKneecap
Now read that back again but with an ounce of empathy.

[Tilltheend99]

@Onaloop

I live abroad and haven't seen any of my UK friends in person since Jan 2020 due to Covid restrictions and not being able to travel as it's a high risk pregnancy, so no, most of my friends don't know (I've only told a couple of people plus family due to losing my last baby last year) and so the pregnancy has been very easy to hide.

During my last pregnancy I did post a small amount about it on SM, but then I lost the baby late on in the pregnancy.

This time I haven't wanted to post anything on SM yet in case something bad happens again and I wanted to share the final good news with my friends once the baby is here and I know everything is ok, but I should've made that clear to my MIL.

Also, I have had problems with my MIL for years, including how she reacted to my stillbirth so yes, I am pretty sensitive about what she says and does.

I’m really sorry op for everything you have gone through Please, please ignore all the abuse on here! Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

[MilkywayMonarch22]

OP ignore the posters criticising your reasons for hiding the pregnancy.

Bottom line is your body and pregnancy, so your choice when to tell the news. Especially in light of your previous loss (so sorry that you've had to experience something like that 💐

MIL should've checked first, considering the fact you like out of the UK and haven't seen friends during the pregnancy. Hopefully her heart was in the right place and it wasn't motivated by anything else, but nonetheless I'd be upset.

Why do none of the PPs recognise the highly emotional aspect of pregnancy, loss and hormones!?

[Derbee]

The issue isn’t wanting to keep a pregnancy secret, so much as being upset or angry about MIL’s perfectly normal actions of taking photos. If OP ahead said she didn’t want photos posted anywhere, and MIL ignored her, she’d be within her rights to be angry. But how is MIL to know that the entire pregnancy needs to be shrouded in secrecy unless OP says something.

[romdowa]

Yanbu and nobody has the right to share pictures of you online at any point. I'd be insisting she takes them down and I'd be making it very clear how you will feel about pics of the baby online as well.

[Lullaby88]

The bottom line is, it's your news to share. I'd be very annoyed if this happened to me.
But it's done now, so don't stress or worry about it too much. Enjoy your pregnancy .
Could also just be that your MIL is really excited about ur pregnancy and couldnt wait to share although it is a bit weird. I'd tell her to take the pics down assertively but poliety just so she is aware u are uncomfortable and also to put her in her place.

[Lullaby88]

Also if my MIL took pics of me in a pregnancy I wouldn't even expect they'd go online.the thought even cross my mind. I'd be shocked! I'd think she took them for memories I'd anything.

[SleepingStandingUp]

They have not said a word on SM. Not a solitary clue. Am I to understand that I'd be perfectly reasonable to share that photo on social media?but this is why it depends on whether ops MIL has posted general pictures on FB which happen to show her pregnant or if she's deliberately posted photos of OP looking pregnant to make a point.

[GrandDuchessRomanov]

Unless your MIL is Mystic Meg YABU.

I assume you knew that the photo's were being taken? Then was the time to speak up.

[olidora63]

@Kite22

everything *@Rosesareyellow* said.

Yep and me !

[Chachachawoo]

Someone I am v close to had a very late miscarriage and got pregnant fairly soon afterwards. She told me bc we work together and I saw her everyday and her family but noone else.
She bought a huge handbag and wore a particular style top to conceal it. She just couldn't cope with people's questions and comments even if they were well meaning.
She also avoided lots of things, dropped her kids at school rather than walking them, only did online shopping etc and went on mat leave early.
Some people who saw her at the end realised. Most people had no idea...
I don't think she thought about whether her friends would be miffed. She was traumatised and just wanted to have a healthy baby before telling anyone.

[Soontobe60]

@Marvellousmadness

Tell the woman off.
Tell her to take the photo down straight away.
And if she refuses well..nothing you can do really but you can learn about the future.
Make sure to tell her you don't want her sharing pictures of baby online. Be firm on it. And don't go sharing photos of baby (when born) in a whatsapp group because this will just end badly with her on the receiving end.
Sorry that she ruined the surprise.
You should tell her .it might have been an honest mistake. But she also might just be... a stereotype mil

What is a ‘stereotypical MIL’?