Page 6 | MIL shared photos of my pregnancy without asking

LaBellina · 22/10/2021 13:29

YANBU but I’m one of those people that absolutely hates having their photo taken without asking let alone posted on social media. It doesn’t matter if we or she doesn’t agree with you keeping your pregnancy hidden, ultimately that’s only your decision and if she knew and ignored your wish then she’s a nasty cow.

SilverTotoro · 22/10/2021 13:54

As someone who has also suffered miscarriages I cannot emphasise enough how much yanbu. Anyone who says otherwise after reading your updates is completely lacking empathy. It’s not ok to post pictures of someone on social media without their knowledge and it’s especially not ok to do so in the instance of other people’s life events. I’d explain why and ask MiL to take the pictures down. Your friends will of course understand why you waited.

Monkeymilkshake · 22/10/2021 13:58

I understand. I have a rainbow baby too. I also never said anything on SM because I was too scared.
Ask your MIL to take the pics off social media.

MissChanandlerBong81 · 22/10/2021 13:59

How weird some of the replies are. If you had a friend who’d suffered a stillbirth you’d be pissed off with them for keeping quiet about a subsequent pregnancy?

I'd just qn how close we were. My excitement for her happy news would mean I wouldn't say anything but I would assume that we weren't actually close and she didn't see me as someone she trusted and relied on.

Really? You’d make it about you?

I’ve never endured baby loss but it doesn’t take a massive stretch to imagine what an anxious experience pregnancy after stillbirth must be. If a friend who had experienced a stillbirth hid their pregnancy until their baby was safely here, taking offence would be the last thing on my mind.

PurpleOkapi · 22/10/2021 14:06

I think it's perfectly ok to assume that someone who's visibly heavily pregnant, and who's said nothing to you about trying to keep their pregnancy a secret, isn't trying to keep their pregnancy a secret. OP's reasons for wanting to keep it a secret might be understandable, but that's not really the issue. The issue here is whether is was fair for her to assume her MIL would know, without being told, that she was trying to do that. That's completely ridiculous. So is her belief that she could somehow get all the way to delivery without anyone ever saying anything when she never asked anyone not to say anything.

If it was just about her feelings, that would be different. But she initially wanted to pick a fight with her MIL about it. That crosses the line into affecting other people, and her husband was quite right to tell her she's overreacting. Calling MIL a narcissist was a nice touch for someone who's horrified and offended that MIL couldn't read her mind.

GreyhoundG1rl · 22/10/2021 14:12

PurpleOkabi's post sums it up perfectly.
I mean, even the thread title is worded for maximum drama. She didn't post "photos of op's pregnancy" (which sounds medically invasive), she posted a photo of op in which she looked heavily pregnant.
Because she is 🤷🏻‍♀️

PurpleOkapi · 22/10/2021 14:14

Really? You’d make it about you?

I’ve never endured baby loss but it doesn’t take a massive stretch to imagine what an anxious experience pregnancy after stillbirth must be. If a friend who had experienced a stillbirth hid their pregnancy until their baby was safely here, taking offence would be the last thing on my mind.

When someone goes to a great deal of trouble to conceal something from you, concluding that they don't want you involved in that thing isn't "making it about you." It's having a brain and using it. At some point, the question of "Do I want this person to know?" must have occurred to them, and they decided the answer was "No." That's their prerogative, but of course that's "about me."

My interpersonal relationships with people are, from my standpoint, ultimately about me. I don't have friendships for the sole purpose of trying to serve others, and neither does anyone else without major mental health issues. Personally, I don't think I'd be all that upset if someone did this. But I would take it as a sign of us growing apart, and would be much less invested in the friendship after that.

Mumoftwo1990 · 22/10/2021 14:17

@Onaloop

My MIL came to visit, I'm pregnant with my rainbow baby and haven't posted anything about it on social media so a lot of my friends dont know I'm pregnant again. She's just posted a load of photos of me heavily pregnant on social media. She hasn't tagged me but is friends with some of my friends and I'm feeling upset about it because I wanted to share the news when the baby was born. My husband says im overreacting and I should've said not to post anything if I cared that much, but it didn't cross my mind that she would. My MIL is quite narcissistic and I wonder if she's done it on purpose so she is the one who let's everyone know, but also maybe I'm being over sensitive. Ive had some issues with her previously but don't know if I should let it go? She posted hours ago so its too late to do anything about it. Am I being unreasonable in being pissed off?

I sort of get where your coming from as my MIL told people I was pregnant when i was 6 weeks and we wanted to wait but because we didn't personally know them it was okay. She also told her close friends so yeah I get what you mean but it's done now so maybe in future be straight with her on what's okay and what isn't. Hopefully that should change things

LagunaBubbles · 22/10/2021 14:19

MissChanandlerBong81

Really? You’d make it about you?

No it would make me question the friendship which is a 2 way relationship at the end of the day.

GreyhoundG1rl · 22/10/2021 14:19

On a side note, op... Why is your MIL Facebook friends with all your friends? Sounds a bit odd.

MaryShelley1818 · 22/10/2021 14:28

@PurpleOkapi

I think it's perfectly ok to assume that someone who's visibly heavily pregnant, and who's said nothing to you about trying to keep their pregnancy a secret, isn't trying to keep their pregnancy a secret. OP's reasons for wanting to keep it a secret might be understandable, but that's not really the issue. The issue here is whether is was fair for her to assume her MIL would know, without being told, that she was trying to do that. That's completely ridiculous. So is her belief that she could somehow get all the way to delivery without anyone ever saying anything when she never asked anyone not to say anything.

If it was just about her feelings, that would be different. But she initially wanted to pick a fight with her MIL about it. That crosses the line into affecting other people, and her husband was quite right to tell her she's overreacting. Calling MIL a narcissist was a nice touch for someone who's horrified and offended that MIL couldn't read her mind.

This sums it up perfectly.
It's not like she announced your pregnancy, she's posted some photos which you happen to be in. Ask not to be photographed next time. I'm very sorry for your loss and your anxiety is understandable but you can't expect everyone to be a mind reader. Hope all goes well.

Peach01 · 22/10/2021 14:30

It's absolutely your call who you tell about your pregnancy. If someone seen you in person with a baby bump it's entirely different to a photo being uploaded to social media where multiple people who are connected can see it.
Your MIL may not have realised and it may not have been done with ill intent but she should've asked before uploading pictures of you heavily pregnant, especially when you haven't done it yourself. I'm sure your friends will understand your reasoning and will be delighted for you when your baby arrives. They probably would've preferred to hear the happy news from you, not through the grapevine. Your MIL posting the pictures make it seem like it's common knowledge. YANBU.

heebiejeebies45 · 22/10/2021 14:33

You should have just said, 'please don't post any pics with me in it because I haven't announced my pregnancy yet.' It's quite simple, how was she to know you didn't want any pics posted on the internet?

HeyFloof · 22/10/2021 15:06

@PumpkinsandTea

So let me get this straight, you've been avoiding all of your friends for 8/9 months so that you could 'shock' everyone with "SURPRISE! I've had a baby!!!" and garner loads of attention from shocked (possibly now 'ex') friends and you're pissed off because now your MIL is not Mystic Meg and has inadvertently blown your cover???

Okies.

If you've had a loss, perhaps multiple, especially late, then the idea of telling people you're pregnant is anxiety inducting.

Because it means if this baby doesn't come home, you have to un-tell people. You have to share your grief on their timescale, not your own. And having to do that, multiple times, before you're ready, is horrific.

It's not about "surprise!" or attention, it's about the epic relief at having a healthy baby to share with people and not a loss post. I would hope that my feinda and family would be understanding and caring enough to know that it's not about them.

HeyFloof · 22/10/2021 15:07

Friends*

HeyFloof · 22/10/2021 15:17

@Rosesareyellow

This is so bizarre. They can’t be particularly close friends if you’re able to keep this from them for so long even if they live miles away - you’ve literally spent 9 months texting or phoning and pretended you’re not pregnant? (as a close friend I wouldn’t find you’re special reveal cute, I’d find it weird and mildly irritating. As a friend you don’t speak to much I’m hardly going to be that bothered and you could have saved yourself the effort of hiding it especially for me

) if you’re MIL didn’t know and you didn’t say anything about this then it’s hardly her fault - who assumes that someone is hiding their pregnancy from the world? I’d be more worried about what your ‘friends’ are thinking and saying about you now after fibbing about being pregnant than your mother in law upstaging you.

My best friends lived through the horror and hell of my late loss, and then subsequent MCs. They have known about each one virtually from ovulation to birth.

I have a positive pregnancy test and can't even compute or process it myself, let alone tell people. I had to tell a medical professional the other day and they congratulated me and I was nearly sick. The anxiety, fear, trauma of my previous loss has me unable to speak about it with even my husband.

If my friends fell out with me when I do finally tell them, if this is a healthy baby, I would think that they were not friends. Because its not about them and how they feel. If they found it weird and mildly irritating, knowing what I went through, then I wouldn't want them to call themselves my friends.

As it is, hopefully, all being well this time round, I will be able to share good news and not the hell that is "floof has lost another baby".

nousernamehere01 · 22/10/2021 15:27

I wouldn't want pictures of me taken and posted all of social media without my knowledge pregnant or not! I don't think this is okay.

YANBU

Ajl46 · 22/10/2021 16:54

@stalkersaga

Did you plan to hide if you bumped into people you knew on the street? Because this is basically the equivalent. A pregnancy is not really a secret once very obviously visible. Plus you didn't even tell her that you didn't want people to know. Why shouldn't she post some pics of time with her family?

It's not the equivalent. Social media sites mine personal data so now OP can expect to receive a lot of unwelcome adverts. Plus, aside from that, in my view it's rude to steal someone's thunder, especially on such a personal issue as a pregnancy.

Ajl46 · 22/10/2021 16:55

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

You knew she was taking the photos, if you really didn't want her putting them online you should have said at the time. Were they at a family party or event?

I get you're feeling sensitive, understandably, but on this issue she has done nothing wrong.

Shouldn't the assumption be that people don't invade other people's privacy by posting things on social media, unless they have sought specific permission?

NewlyGranny · 22/10/2021 17:24

Ajl46, yes! This, a thousand times. There are boundaries nobody should have to establish, surely? Imagine someone saying to you, "Oh, I thought it was okay to invite three new friends of mine who you've never met over to your house - you never said not to!" Or "Well, you never told me not to help myself from your purse, so naturally I did!"

If you had to issue separate boundary statements for every rude or dishonest or dangerous thing a person might decide to do, you'd need to make it your full-time job.

Do MNers really go around posting and tagging pictures of friends and family without even asking permission? Surely even teenagers don't do that.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/10/2021 21:08

Really? Your first thought would be to take offence and feel slighted rather than "gosh I hadn't realised how deeply my friend was affected"?
I didn't say my first thought @C8H10N4O2, let's not get dramatic. And it isn't about taking offence. Its about realising that people view friendships differently and this would make me realise that we viewed our "close" friendship differently. Deep friendships aren't about sharing the good times but about being there thru the hard times too. Op isn't wrong to not tell them. It's her news. But it would make me realise that I'm not that close for her

PurpleOkapi · 22/10/2021 21:22

@NewlyGranny

Ajl46, yes! This, a thousand times. There are boundaries nobody should have to establish, surely? Imagine someone saying to you, "Oh, I thought it was okay to invite three new friends of mine who you've never met over to your house - you never said not to!" Or "Well, you never told me not to help myself from your purse, so naturally I did!"

If you had to issue separate boundary statements for every rude or dishonest or dangerous thing a person might decide to do, you'd need to make it your full-time job.

Do MNers really go around posting and tagging pictures of friends and family without even asking permission? Surely even teenagers don't do that.

I was tagged in pictures from a relative's wedding just last week. They were standard wedding group shots which I voluntarily posed for, not offensive in the slightest, and posted by the relative who took them. It would never occur to me to get upset about this. If I thought I looked awful, and cared, I'd remove the tag, but that would be the end of it.

welshladywhois40 · 22/10/2021 21:45

I want to say I understand. We nearly told anyone about my last pregnancy until nearer the time. Close friends in real life knew but the wider world waited till he was safely here.

For me - it's always felt strange announcing pregnancy on Facebook. I wait until my baby is safely here

HeyFloof · 22/10/2021 22:14

Op isn't wrong to not tell them. It's her news. But it would make me realise that I'm not that close for her

But it's not about you. I have shared everything with my best friends, I love them like sisters, I would drop what I was doing and travel cross country in a heartbeat if they needed me. But I can't, physically, mentally, emotionally, tell them I'm pregnant. My baby son died and they grieved with me, I had MCs and they have supported me. I can't bear to think about going though the losses I have again, I don't want to put them through it either. I didn't tell my DH I'd got a positive pregnancy test for over a week because I couldn't process it. If my best friends couldn't understand that I was trying to protect my own heart, and theirs, then they don't get me at all.

Thankfully mine do get me, I know they'll just be thrilled for me, or, I can tell them we've lost another without them having had to invest their emotional energy into it until I'm ready to share it.

Viviennemary · 22/10/2021 22:18

If you wanted it to be kept a secret you should have let her know. If it was early on fair enough. You are being ridiculous.