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Original poster

To let puppy break up marriage?

171 replies

NameChanged4This47 · 21/10/2021 22:39

Bit of back story, 4 years ago, I asked DH if we could discuss having another child. DH completely shut down conversation and said if I wanted another child it would have to be with someone else. I was upset-both because he refused to discuss and the comment about someone else. We’ve been together almost 20 years. If we’d discussed and came to decision together not to have another child, that would have been fine with me. He’s not a big talker but I think he realised how upset I was and suggested as compromise we could get puppy as he knew I’d always wanted a dog.

He put it off but we got a dog earlier this year. Pup is amazing. I love him and kids do too. But he’s a handful! I agreed I’d do most of the handling etc and I don’t mind that at all. But recently DH is getting really stressed out being around dog and has told me tonight he’s scared of him (he’s a very small dog, but can be a bit snappy). DH wants to rehome but DCs are breaking their hearts and so am I, along with the fact that it feels like it’s another thing where DH has basically got his own way.

DH over the years has become more anxious about a lot of stuff and this is definitely channeled towards the dog at the moment, we both have stressful jobs, life is busy etc. We have been bickering a lot too recently-about this and generally me feeling like he’s being quite selfish. He says he won’t change and he can’t change the way he feels. He’s a good dad and helps out round the house etc. But this feels like the straw that might ultimately break us :(

What can I do here? I just want things to improve for all of us!

OP posts:
MintyGreenDream · 22/10/2021 08:05

Is it a Chihuahua? I have one and he was nippy as a very young puppy

P0ntiacBandit · 22/10/2021 08:05

"It’s normal puppy behaviour (as confirmed by vet)"

You need a behaviourist/trainer to confirm these things, not the vet. Unfortunately it is extremely stressful to live with a snappy dog.

Veronica25 · 22/10/2021 08:15

Without knowing too much about your relationship it seems that is you who want your own way. You need 2 people to have children, he didn't want another one so there was not a conversation to be have; but he compromised on you getting a dog even though he probably didn't want one. It seems you have enough as it is with children and stressful jobs so why adding more stress getting a dog/having another child?

Hopefully the puppy will improve with some training and you don't have to re home him, maybe it is the type of dog you got. For me it is more important to have a good husband and father to my children than 3 or 4 kids and a puppy and raise them alone. You said he is a good husband and help around the house.

Greenmarmalade · 22/10/2021 08:18

Most puppies are bitey. Labradors are extremely jumpy and bitey as pups, and can be a right handful as adolescents- and training takes time. This ‘train your dog’ stuff is ridiculous- it’s a long, slow process.

knittingaddict · 22/10/2021 08:39

The worst dog biting incident I've seen was a friend being bitten on the face by a Jack Russell. We were both about 9 years old. It went right through her nose and bled a lot. She might have been scarred for life.

Dogs aren't harmless or not frightening just because they are small.

DrBlackbird · 22/10/2021 08:43

Are you all happy to be talking to yourselves? The OP said thanks for 100 odd posts and has left the thread Wink

DizzySquirrel90 · 22/10/2021 08:46

Train the dog ffs don't just give it up

knittingaddict · 22/10/2021 08:47

@Greenmarmalade

Most puppies are bitey. Labradors are extremely jumpy and bitey as pups, and can be a right handful as adolescents- and training takes time. This ‘train your dog’ stuff is ridiculous- it’s a long, slow process.
What's ridiculous about telling people to get their dogs trained? Of course it takes time, but if you never start it's never going to happen. Personally I think proper dog training should be mandatory.

Our rescue dog had issues with snapping (not biting in his case, but it might have ended up there) at children and dominance problems. If it wasn't for the training classes I think he would have had to be euthanized and we would have lost what turned out to be a lovely and much loved dog.

Simply loving your pets is not enough. You need to make sure they are safe and pleasant to be around.

knittingaddict · 22/10/2021 08:49

@DrBlackbird

Are you all happy to be talking to yourselves? The OP said thanks for 100 odd posts and has left the thread Wink
I thought we were talking to each other. Are we not?

Quite content, thanks.

stevalnamechanger · 22/10/2021 08:53

@Greenmarmalade

Most puppies are bitey. Labradors are extremely jumpy and bitey as pups, and can be a right handful as adolescents- and training takes time. This ‘train your dog’ stuff is ridiculous- it’s a long, slow process.
What an ignorant comment .

This dog can't be just standard puppy bitey to be having this much of an impact

SunnyMustard · 22/10/2021 09:05

@NameChanged4This47

We’ve done and are doing everything we can with the dog behaviour. It’s normal puppy behaviour (as confirmed by vet). To be clear, I didn’t ‘want my way by having another DC’ but I did want a conversion about it. If DH didn’t want the dog which is now pretty clear is the case, it wasn’t really a compromise!
I think you summarised it pretty well. You probably need to tell him you feel hurt that he cut the conversation short. You just wanted the respect of being herd and now it feels unfinished even if the end result might have been the same. You might have felt more on board if he had explained the reasons why he did not want another child etc. And he would have felt less anxious if he knew your reasons for wanting a child and how passionate/non passionate you are about that.
Bythemillpond · 22/10/2021 09:12

Ultimately, I know I know will choose my marriage over the dog-I love my DH and when we’re good we’re great if that makes sense

But when you are good you are great, is that only when your Dh gets his own way.

Obviously in this case when he doesn’t get his own way things nose dive and you are willing to break your children’s heart and walk on egg shells around your Dh just so you can be happy again.

Are you only happy when Dh gives you permission to be happy.
Children don’t work like that. They will remember that you broke their heart by getting rid of the puppy they love just to please their dad.
Not a good example to set.

JumperandJacket · 22/10/2021 09:13

The fact that you’re bringing up the DC lack of discussion on a post about a puppy suggests that you still feel very upset about it and I wonder whether that’s the problem rather than the puppy. To even consider leaving your husband over a pet means you’ve got a lot more problems than the pet.

liveforsummer · 22/10/2021 09:16

Why is everyone so surprised by a puppy being a handful? I've never heard of one that isn't. It's something you definitely need to factor in before getting one. And they aren't known as land sharks for nothing - ddog is a sensible 18 month old now but I haven't forgotten the bleeding ankle days. Small breed puppy teeth are especially sharp. OP has already said she's in the process of training but it's not an overnight job.

Sounds like the puppy is just being used as a scapegoat and it would be something else if he wasn't there.

BrilloPaddy · 22/10/2021 09:19

Jesus wept, what sort of man is afraid of a mouthy puppy.... the poor puppy is likely to be teething, and all puppies have to learn. Mine was around 12 months when she stopped chewing everything in sight.

I'd rehome DH, frankly. He sounds like a dictator.

RobinPenguins · 22/10/2021 09:35

Children don’t work like that. They will remember that you broke their heart by getting rid of the puppy they love just to please their dad.

Am sure in later years they’d be thrilled she got rid of their dad over a puppy that will by that time be dead anyway.

liveforsummer · 22/10/2021 09:38

Am sure in later years they’d be thrilled she got rid of their dad over a puppy that will by that time be dead anyway.

It honestly doesn't sound like the puppy is the only problem in this relationship. What happens if the puppy goes then they split anyway

BadgerB · 22/10/2021 11:14

@Bythemillpond

Ultimately, I know I know will choose my marriage over the dog-I love my DH and when we’re good we’re great if that makes sense

But when you are good you are great, is that only when your Dh gets his own way.

Obviously in this case when he doesn’t get his own way things nose dive and you are willing to break your children’s heart and walk on egg shells around your Dh just so you can be happy again.

Are you only happy when Dh gives you permission to be happy.
Children don’t work like that. They will remember that you broke their heart by getting rid of the puppy they love just to please their dad.
Not a good example to set.

So true. I still remember that my DF, who was excellent in many ways, and of whom I have some happy memories, gave away my dog when I was 8 years old. I'm now a grandmother, and the thought of Dusty the pup still makes me sad.
Bythemillpond · 22/10/2021 12:21

RobinPenguins

Children don’t work like that. They will remember that you broke their heart by getting rid of the puppy they love just to please their dad

Am sure in later years they’d be thrilled she got rid of their dad over a puppy that will by that time be dead anyway

Probably will be. At least they will have happy memories of a family dog rather than having a father where he can give and take away on a whim.

I have lived with a parent like that where whatever you are given is dependant on everything being perfect otherwise it is taken away.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 22/10/2021 16:30

Why would you keep a snappy dog around your family? You either train it not to snap or re-home it! How awful for your husband to feel scared in his own home. Just because it’s small doesn’t mean it’s ok for it to snap and make people anxious.

Sounds like he had his reasons for not wanting another child when you already have more than one. Unless both parents want another it would be very selfish to expect him to go along with what you want.

Sounds bizarre to let a dog come between you when you’ve been together over 20 years!

What if it bit one of the kids, would you still want it?

Hopeisallineed · 22/10/2021 17:20

A friend of mine had to get rid of a snappy puppy because it ended up biting their child in the face. All the kids were fine and survived the trauma of giving up the pup. They knew, although sad, was the right thing to do in that situation. I don’t think the father is ‘giving and taking of a whim’ sounds like he is fearful something might happen because of the untrained dog, which is fair enough and probably well founded. As usual MN extrapolation to the nth degree. Everyone will be in therapy because dog is rehomed ‘trauma’. I think not.

sillysmiles · 22/10/2021 17:40

sounds like he is fearful something might happen because of the untrained dog, which is fair enough and probably well founded

But it is equally his dog, he agreed to getting the dog and he is equally responsible for training the dog.

Guetzlibache · 22/10/2021 18:07

Your vet is right it is normal puppy behaviour.It always amazes me,how little people inform themselves before getting a puppy.Your DH is stressed and anxious, the puppy will pick up on this.A puppy/dog needs a confident leader in order to develop good social skills.Most of all:IT IS NEVER THE DOGS/PUPPY'S FAULT.A dog will "learn" bad behaviour from inappropriate dog handling.please,please either get in touch with a good qualified dog trainer,or rehome the poor puppy to someone who understands and has time for a dog.

Hopeisallineed · 22/10/2021 18:21

@sillysmiles the OP has already said she does all the handling of the dog. My friend has a dog and her partner wanted nothing to do with it , she persuaded him by convincing him he wouldn’t have to have much to do with it, sounds like the same here.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/10/2021 21:50

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Ime it will only get worse... Dh I mean not ddog. My exh blamed everything that was wrong with us /the house /the dc /his job on ddog....
Get training ddog and get rid of dh... Imo.
Your love for ddog will be much better for you and your dc...

Love for the dog will be better for OP's children than love from their father? Really? You actually think that?

Absolutely batshit claim.