To let puppy break up marriage?

[NameChanged4This47]

Bit of back story, 4 years ago, I asked DH if we could discuss having another child. DH completely shut down conversation and said if I wanted another child it would have to be with someone else. I was upset-both because he refused to discuss and the comment about someone else. We’ve been together almost 20 years. If we’d discussed and came to decision together not to have another child, that would have been fine with me. He’s not a big talker but I think he realised how upset I was and suggested as compromise we could get puppy as he knew I’d always wanted a dog.

He put it off but we got a dog earlier this year. Pup is amazing. I love him and kids do too. But he’s a handful! I agreed I’d do most of the handling etc and I don’t mind that at all. But recently DH is getting really stressed out being around dog and has told me tonight he’s scared of him (he’s a very small dog, but can be a bit snappy). DH wants to rehome but DCs are breaking their hearts and so am I, along with the fact that it feels like it’s another thing where DH has basically got his own way.

DH over the years has become more anxious about a lot of stuff and this is definitely channeled towards the dog at the moment, we both have stressful jobs, life is busy etc. We have been bickering a lot too recently-about this and generally me feeling like he’s being quite selfish. He says he won’t change and he can’t change the way he feels. He’s a good dad and helps out round the house etc. But this feels like the straw that might ultimately break us :(

What can I do here? I just want things to improve for all of us!

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

I grew up with three puppies as a child and had a couple now as an adult and I've never had one that snaps. They have all been large breeds so not sure if that makes a difference. I didn't realise snappy puppies was a thing.

You really need to get the snapping sorted, I can see why your DH is saying what he is because I wouldn't want to be around a snappy dog either, they aren't nice and they definitely shouldn't be around children.

[Spongeboob]

@AliceinBorderland

along with the fact that it feels like it’s another thing where DH has basically got his own way.

Got his own way on what?!

You have kids. Plural. You already have a family with more than one child. Why should you get your own way to have yet another one any more than he should?

He didn't want another one so you accept that or leave.

I don't know why anyone thinks a dog solves anything. You have all of your life stresses and then you have a dog on top of it all.

Snappy dog sounds awful tbh.

I agree with this. Get the dog trained. I'm not just on his side though, he offered you a dog in lieu of another baby. Carrot and stick. Rethink this whole situation.

[Bothyboo]

Given you said kids I’m going to assume you have two.
What was the point of him agreeing to a conversation about having a third if he was done? You either are open to more or not and man or woman if you’re done, you’re done. There is no middle ground or compromise and he shouldn’t have to apologise or be called selfish for it.

Badly trained dogs are a nightmare and it sounds like you got this dog as some sort of idealistic plaster for a problem, which is not the way to go about animal ownership.
Puppies are hard work and the first year is critical for training, socialising, and establishing boundaries or else you’ll have set yourself up for years of a nightmare animal which then is much less likely to ever be successfully regimes.
If your DH is afraid of the dog and feels you are all in over your heads, then it’s valid to reborn now whilst someone else can still turn things around.
There’s no point involving the kids opinion as they will most likely be gone and at uni whilst you’re still picking up that dogs poo. If you really want the dog then I think you’ve got to really work hard on it’s behaviour and not excuse it.
I’ve had bad behaviour off baby animals because they don’t know better, but that’s the time to train them better!

[3luckystars]

To me (and I might be wrong and frequently am) it sounds like your life is hectic and your husband is finding it hard to cope with.
More things keep getting added into the mix and your family life is getting too much for him.
You might not agree, and actually like things being busy/noisy and hectic but some people don’t and that’s ok.
If your husband is struggling to cope with the stress in the house, I think you should talk about it and try to see each other’s point of view and stick together, if he is a good dad then that’s great and you have been together a long time so it’s worth listening to each other. Get counselling if you are finding it hard to communicate. Good luck.

[Lalliella]

Your poor DH is suffering from stress and anxiety, and quite reasonably didn’t want another child when you already had more than one, and people are suggesting you get rid of him. FFS. Sometimes I despair of posters on here. They suggest things they would no way do themselves in real life, that they would never suggest to a man if the roles were reversed, and some of them even think it’s funny to suggest that.

Train the dog. And try and show your DH a bit of empathy.

[Daisy4569]

Just wanted to add a post as I have been where you are. Partner said we could get a puppy when we moved, then when we eventually did he really struggled adjusting to him and got quite short tempered and anxious around him especially during the puppy mouthing stage. I literally did everything I could to make it easier but it was hard.
Fast forward a couple of years and they can regularly be found curled up on the sofa together, he says he’s the favourite and objects if I take him anywhere overnight so in summary it can get better!

[MenoMom]

Having kids already shouldn't mean that you're not allowed to want any more, and i understand why you feel like he's getting to make all the big decisions and like a PP i wonder where it will stop. Your whole family shouldn't have to revolve around your husbands anxieties, your childrens's lives could become narrow and fearful. Your husband needs to get proper support for his anxiety. I would worry that if you get rid of your dog that there'll be something else he wants you and your children to compromise on.
You sound like you don't feel like you're in a partnership, and that's wearing you down - maybe marriage counselling after your husband tries to tackle his anxiety?

I don't think you should rehome your dog - he sounds like he's going through the adolescent dog pain in the arse stage and you are working on it. It would be horrible for the kids and for you if you rehomed him and may not have any real impact on your husbands anxieties.

If there's a tense athmosphere in the home the kids need the joy they get from the dog. He wasn't foisted on your husband and you've had him for months, so unless he was an actual danger to the kids, i think you keep him.

[me4real]

Your poor DH is suffering from stress and anxiety, and quite reasonably didn’t want another child when you already had more than one

@Lalliella Yes, then he agreed to the puppy. Why should everything revolve around him, his wants and strops? Reminds me of life with my wanker father and his temper. He had non-specific seeming mental health problems (or some would call it stroppy arsehole syndrome) and so everything had to revolve around placating him or living with him, a volcano, walking on eggshells.

@NameChanged4This47 This would not be what I want in a partner, it was bad enough in a father, and severely damaging to my mental health for life. You could push him to get more help for his 'mental health problems,' or separate. At the moment, he is using them to manipulate. I would want an equal partner or one I can respect and look upto too, not a pathetic feeble and manipulative manchild who claims to be scared of a little dog.

[tiggerwhocamefortea]

You can tell a lot from someone's username....

I'm going to guess you are 47...4 years ago when you wanted another child you were 43 - the maths would stack up too since you said you'd been together 20 years or so

Not surprising that he didn't want another child at that age really and sounds like you are still harbouring resentment for not getting what you want...you could already have 5 kids for all we know and wanted a 6th 🤷🏻‍♀️

You need to get a grip on the snappy dog and move on about the baby issue - it's unfair on your DH for you still to be holding this against him

[NameChanged4This47]

@Daisy4569

Just wanted to add a post as I have been where you are. Partner said we could get a puppy when we moved, then when we eventually did he really struggled adjusting to him and got quite short tempered and anxious around him especially during the puppy mouthing stage. I literally did everything I could to make it easier but it was hard.
Fast forward a couple of years and they can regularly be found curled up on the sofa together, he says he’s the favourite and objects if I take him anywhere overnight so in summary it can get better!

Aww that’s lovely to hear and gives me some hope for a happy ending :)

[Halo1234]

I dont get what conversation around another baby there was to be had. He doesn't want one. "No" is a complete sentence and all that. What was there is discuss?????
I think support your dh to feel more confident with the dog since he is anxious. He didn't want the dog. He went along with it for you to make up for not having a baby. He did compromise. Think your being a bit harsh on him tbh. It would be stressful living with a dog u didn't really want and a wife who thinks your selfish and getting your own way for deciding how many children u want and if you want to share his home with a snappy dog he didn't want in the first place.

[skybluee]

Obviously he didn't want the dog in the first place and suggested it because he felt bad about not wanting to have another child and was trying to make you feel better. He shouldn't have done that - but did you not realise he didn't want one if he kept putting it off?

This thread has made me sad because people are suggesting throwing away 20 years of marriage when you have three children, for a pet you haven't had very long.

You say he's a good dad and he helps around the house but he's selfish. Is he selfish in other ways? What else is going on?

Personally I think it's a bit selfish if your partner is literally frightened of being around a dog to force him to be around one... especially if he has anxiety and it's worsening that when you're under stress already.

I would put a human life above an animal one... this is an aside and may not be relevant to your situation but I can never understand if people eat meat/don't care where that comes from or that the animal may have been kept in torturous conditions/killed in bad ways but then get obsessed over the life of one animal because it's cute and in front of them, yet are fine with eating fried pieces of another.

An animal deserves to be in a home where it's wanted and looked after. It sounds like there are zero issues with that because it sounds like you're looking after it very well, but if you rehome it please make sure it goes to somewhere where it will live under similar conditions. Obviously rehoming isn't ideal but IMO you shouldn't have got the dog in the first place.

At the end of the day it's your choice but maybe it's fairer on him to break up with him

[MesChiensSontBeaux]

He suggested the dog. Now it’s acting like a normal puppy, he wants to rehome it, upsetting you and the kids. No chance.
The puppy will grow out of it with good training, your husband is a grown man with children and is still acting like a brat. He’s unlikely to grow out of that. He needs to get help with his anxiety, as once the puppy is gone, it’ll be something else. There’s no way I’d get rid of the dog.

And he ‘helps’ around the house? It’s his fucking house, you can’t ‘help’ in your own house . Does he ‘babysit’ his own kids too?

He don’t speak about big issues, he’s flaky and is willing to upset you. Even if he did sort his anxiety out, I don’t think I’d want to be with him.

[MesChiensSontBeaux]

*doesn’t

[NameChanged4This47]

@tiggerwhocamefortea

You can tell a lot from someone's username....

I'm going to guess you are 47...4 years ago when you wanted another child you were 43 - the maths would stack up too since you said you'd been together 20 years or so

Not surprising that he didn't want another child at that age really and sounds like you are still harbouring resentment for not getting what you want...you could already have 5 kids for all we know and wanted a 6th 🤷🏻‍♀️

You need to get a grip on the snappy dog and move on about the baby issue - it's unfair on your DH for you still to be holding this against him

Thanks for your reply but I would advise against making assumptions from usernames.

[HoppingPavlova]

If you got a dog earlier this year it must be 6mths plus by now? No, not normal for it to be snappy if it’s been trained properly. I’ve had lots of puppies and dogs in my youth (parents bred them) and none were snappy even as puppies. They mouthed when teething between baby and adult teeth but marrow bones satisfied that and nipped as playing around 8-12 weeks and are trained out of it by that point. A snappy dog is not usual or right and I’m with DH on this one. Get a proper behaviourist in pronto to sort this out, not because of your DH but because this is not right ffs.

[sillysmiles]

No" is a complete sentence and all that. What was there is discuss????

Well that's bullshit when it's your partner and your future together you are talking about. She never said she was trying to talk him around, just that he wouldn't talk about it. That's pretty shitty behaviour on his part not to discuss it.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

Is he really snappy or is he just mouthing? It is very common in puppies, and I'm shocked that more than one response suggests just "getting rid". Anyway, puppy training classes might help him past that phase.

[NameChanged4This47]

@NameChanged4This47

Thanks so much for all your replies-even those which have been critical of my reaction have been really helpful as it’s helped me to see things more from DHs perspective :)

Ultimately, I know I know will choose my marriage over the dog-I love my DH and when we’re good we’re great if that makes sense!!

In the meantime, have my fingers crossed that pup grows out of this phase very soon, the training we’re doing starts to work, and will definitely think of what else I can do to make life a bit easier.

Thanks again for everyone’s insight-much appreciated :)

[NeedAHoliday2021]

Dpup will be at dickish teen stage I’m guessing. Hang on in there, consistent training and by 1 year life will feel easier. Reassure dh, maybe plan some puppy classes for the family 1:1 with a trainer - this was great for us, especially me in giving me confidence with dpup having not had a dog before. I’d listen to dh but also I wouldn’t be happy to give up on dpup so soon.

[Immaculatemisconception]

There’s far more to this than the puppy. Your DH sounds extremely selfish and unwilling to discuss anything. Your marriage needs help, or you are headed for divorce. 💐

[GatoradeMeBitch]

I dont get what conversation around another baby there was to be had. He doesn't want one. "No" is a complete sentence and all that. What was there is discuss?????

You must have known this was bollocks when you were typing it...

So, if you went to your life partner and told him/her that you wanted another baby and they said "No", you would have no follow-up questions? Every thought and feeling you had would just stop? You wouldn't expect them to dignify you with more than one word, but accept them reacting to you like you were a five year old trying to sneak a biscuit before dinner?

"No is a complete sentence" is for when people are trying to take advantage. It's not how you communicate with someone you love and respect.

[ozymandiusking]

When I wanted another child, my husband bought me another cat!

[sillysmiles]

@namechanged4this47 it might be worth popping onto The Doghouse section to read other people's puppy stories so you can judge if your pup is just in line with all the others behaviourally.