To let puppy break up marriage?

[NameChanged4This47]

Bit of back story, 4 years ago, I asked DH if we could discuss having another child. DH completely shut down conversation and said if I wanted another child it would have to be with someone else. I was upset-both because he refused to discuss and the comment about someone else. We’ve been together almost 20 years. If we’d discussed and came to decision together not to have another child, that would have been fine with me. He’s not a big talker but I think he realised how upset I was and suggested as compromise we could get puppy as he knew I’d always wanted a dog.

He put it off but we got a dog earlier this year. Pup is amazing. I love him and kids do too. But he’s a handful! I agreed I’d do most of the handling etc and I don’t mind that at all. But recently DH is getting really stressed out being around dog and has told me tonight he’s scared of him (he’s a very small dog, but can be a bit snappy). DH wants to rehome but DCs are breaking their hearts and so am I, along with the fact that it feels like it’s another thing where DH has basically got his own way.

DH over the years has become more anxious about a lot of stuff and this is definitely channeled towards the dog at the moment, we both have stressful jobs, life is busy etc. We have been bickering a lot too recently-about this and generally me feeling like he’s being quite selfish. He says he won’t change and he can’t change the way he feels. He’s a good dad and helps out round the house etc. But this feels like the straw that might ultimately break us :(

What can I do here? I just want things to improve for all of us!

[DeepaBeesKit]

You did have a conversation about a baby. He said he doesnt want one. If he doesn't want one what more is there to say? Weighing up pros and cons is pointless, it would be unfair of you to try and talk him into it.

[PurpleOkapi]

@DeepaBeesKit

You did have a conversation about a baby. He said he doesnt want one. If he doesn't want one what more is there to say? Weighing up pros and cons is pointless, it would be unfair of you to try and talk him into it.

That was my take on it, too. How would him misleading OP into believing he was undecided have helped anything?

[SilveredPinkPetal]

Puppies do bite, anyone who says they don’t probably hasn’t had one, but it’s play biting, testing it environment, not fierce biting.
And they grow out of it, and learn to play nicely.

[Thatsplentyjack]

@Fefifobum

I feel so sorry for the puppy it didn’t ask to be in the middle of your domestic. It’s very rarely bad animals but as for owners....

Oh for god sake calm down. The puppy is fine. It has a loving home and is well looked after.

[sjxoxo]

Depends on what you mean by snappy.. if he’s a bit chewy I don’t think it’s an issue. You need be be absolutely sure the dog presents zero risk to anyone that’s obvious. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.. I think you have the right to a discussion with uour DH about kids of course!

I do think from your post it doesn’t sound like he makes you happy.. or expects you to really be a team. You mention ‘helps out around the house’- it’s his house too right?? I don’t get the impression it’s equal between you. I think if you want a discussion about something you’re entitled to it. If you want different things then you have a choice to make about what you want to do long term. I don’t think getting rid of the dog is essential, he needs training and you must be certain he presents no risk. Xo

[icedcoffees]

@SilveredPinkPetal

Puppies do bite, anyone who says they don’t probably hasn’t had one, but it’s play biting, testing it environment, not fierce biting.
And they grow out of it, and learn to play nicely.

That's true, but OP describes snappy behaviour which isn't the same as puppy mouthing and nipping.

[BadgerB]

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Ime it will only get worse... Dh I mean not ddog. My exh blamed everything that was wrong with us /the house /the dc /his job on ddog.... Get training ddog and get rid of dh...
Imo.
Your love for ddog will be much better for you and your dc...

This. D"H sounds a completely selfish pain. Pups are often snappy but training should fix it.
Rehoming a pup that the DC love will never be forgotten, even if supressed. Speaking from experience here.

[ArabellaScott]

@NameChanged4This47

We’ve done and are doing everything we can with the dog behaviour. It’s normal puppy behaviour (as confirmed by vet). To be clear, I didn’t ‘want my way by having another DC’ but I did want a conversion about it. If DH didn’t want the dog which is now pretty clear is the case, it wasn’t really a compromise!

Puppies bite, yep. Totally 100% normal puppy behaviour.

Divert, teach it to bite a toy instead of you! Get DH a longish chew toy and get him to divert the dog onto that every time, with praise when dog does.

It will get better, but I feel for you, OP. Puppies are bloody hard work.

Dogwalker?

Counselling for you, DH, and as a couple?

[mostlydrinkstea]

Going against the general tide here. The puppy is the current issue but there is something else going on. OP has taken the advice of the vet and as long as the whole family are onboard with training all should be well in a few months. The husband is anxious and this precedes the puppy. The anxiety is now projected onto the puppy and he is so focused on himself that he considers rehoming the puppy which his children love. In a conversation about another baby he shuts everything down because he doesn't want another child. From the outside he sounds inflexible and selfish. It is all about him.

Of course he helps around the house because it means he has a comfortable billet with a family but what happens when the stress gets too much? Bye bye wife and family because it is all about him and his happiness.

This isn't a preemptive leave the bastard post but there are enough red flags flying to get couples counselling. He has projected his anxiety onto the dog. What is to say it won't move to his wife when the dog grows out of the teenage demon dog stage? Mine did just that and left wife, children and animals behind. It made him feel a lot better.

[FiddlefigOnTheRoof]

Your dh is being absolutely reasonable. Why have a convo about babies? He doesn’t want any more. The convo has been had. There’s no middle ground.

If your dh is anxious about the dog, THAT is the conversation that you need to have. You need to reassure him, pull through this together, get a strategy in place.

[Justcannotbearsed]

Puppies snap, they do grow out of it.

[icedcoffees]

@Justcannotbearsed

Puppies snap, they do grow out of it.

I wouldn't agree.

Do they bite, mouth and nip? Yes, absolutely - and yes, it bloody hurts.

But snapping is something an aggressive dog does before it bites you - it normally happens after lots of warning signals and a growl.

They're not the same thing. If OP means the former then yes, it's normal but aggressive snapping in a puppy really isn't normal behaviour.

[RobinPenguins]

If you’re even considering ending a marriage to the man you have children with over a dog, it’s not really about the dog. I hope. The comment about a dog being a commitment made me snort - what the fuck is a marriage if not a commitment? What is having children if not a commitment? I think it would be appalling to break up a family over a puppy, but I’m not obsessed with dogs…

[DrBlackbird]

OP for the stressful time you’re living through. And for the pile on you seem to be receiving here by many grumpy PP’s based on a lot of assumptions.

Just wanted to say that friends went through same situation. The DP wanted to rehome genuinely snappy rescue dog, but the DW persevered and now they all love that dog.

In that case, the DP is on the spectrum and tends to control others to contain his anxiety. Is that another possible similarity?

[AliceinBorderland]

@RobinPenguins

If you’re even considering ending a marriage to the man you have children with over a dog, it’s not really about the dog. I hope. The comment about a dog being a commitment made me snort - what the fuck is a marriage if not a commitment? What is having children if not a commitment? I think it would be appalling to break up a family over a puppy, but I’m not obsessed with dogs…

Right. A 20 year relationship with more than one child.

He has to get her a dog to placate her over not having another child and then she doesn't bother to train it.

Snappy dogs are scary I wouldn't want to live with that.

Rather than train the dog or get rid people say she would be better off with a dog than a good husband and father.

It's unbelievable. A fucking dog!!!!

[MarleneDietrichsSmile]

Depends on the age, dogs are very mouthy up until about 6-7 months, after that they really should have learned to to put their teeth on humans

How snappy is snappy?

What breed is it?

[Weirdwonders]

Your husband sounds pretty unhappy, I don’t get why you want to keep piling more responsibility on a stressed and unhappy person that you supposedly love rather than manage what you already have. He’s not selfish for not wanting another kid or a dog on top of two kids and a stressful job and anxiety, he sounds perfectly reasonable.

[FancyLampshade]

It sounds like it’s you getting your own way with everything, not him.

[Flowersintheattic2021]

What breed of dog

[Flowersintheattic2021]

If you need dog advice specifically u can post on the dog House on here as well x

[Brefugee]

DH wants to rehome but DCs are breaking their hearts and so am I, along with the fact that it feels like it’s another thing where DH has basically got his own way.

But if you'd had a child he didn't want he could easily say you pushed him until you got your way. It's not as though you don't have any children, is it? and another child is a big decision. You're being a bit precious about the "with someone else" he was giving you an out if you thought you wanted another child more than you wanted to stay with him.

I guess you pestered, and his compromise of a puppy was a nice gesture. But pets are supposed to enhance your life and if, as it seems, he really wasn't that keen on getting the puppy (?) but did it as a compromise, it is no wonder that a snappy dog is giving him stress.

You have noticed he is getting more anxious over the years so another stressful thing in his life was bound to add to that.

On looking at it (I've read all OP posts) it is far from the DH always getting his way, it is exactly the opposite. So in your shoes, OP, I'd get an animal behaviourist involved and work out a deadline with them and your DH about how long your DH has to put up with a snappy dog before you rehome it. Hard on you and the DCs as that is, your DH deserves to feel relaxed at home.

[Aprilx]

@NameChanged4This47

We’ve done and are doing everything we can with the dog behaviour. It’s normal puppy behaviour (as confirmed by vet). To be clear, I didn’t ‘want my way by having another DC’ but I did want a conversion about it. If DH didn’t want the dog which is now pretty clear is the case, it wasn’t really a compromise!

No it isn’t normal puppy behaviour. You need to train your dog properly.

Your poor husband, he sounds totally bullied by you.

[NameChanged4This47]

Thanks for your comments everyone. I’ve already given my reply (see previous posts from me) and won’t be checking back any more as nothing new is being said. I do really appreciate the different perspectives everyone has given :)

[RipMeKnickersOffYaRandyOldGoat]

You have to choose. Your dh or the dog. The fact that you even have to consider this issue says a lot.

[olympicsrock]

I wonder if this is how Op is at home. If she doesn’t like the answer ,strops off / won’t discuss. I see she didn’t discuss how many children they have or how old she was when wanting another baby when a poster assumed she might have been 43 at the time...