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Original poster

To let puppy break up marriage?

171 replies

NameChanged4This47 · 21/10/2021 22:39

Bit of back story, 4 years ago, I asked DH if we could discuss having another child. DH completely shut down conversation and said if I wanted another child it would have to be with someone else. I was upset-both because he refused to discuss and the comment about someone else. We’ve been together almost 20 years. If we’d discussed and came to decision together not to have another child, that would have been fine with me. He’s not a big talker but I think he realised how upset I was and suggested as compromise we could get puppy as he knew I’d always wanted a dog.

He put it off but we got a dog earlier this year. Pup is amazing. I love him and kids do too. But he’s a handful! I agreed I’d do most of the handling etc and I don’t mind that at all. But recently DH is getting really stressed out being around dog and has told me tonight he’s scared of him (he’s a very small dog, but can be a bit snappy). DH wants to rehome but DCs are breaking their hearts and so am I, along with the fact that it feels like it’s another thing where DH has basically got his own way.

DH over the years has become more anxious about a lot of stuff and this is definitely channeled towards the dog at the moment, we both have stressful jobs, life is busy etc. We have been bickering a lot too recently-about this and generally me feeling like he’s being quite selfish. He says he won’t change and he can’t change the way he feels. He’s a good dad and helps out round the house etc. But this feels like the straw that might ultimately break us :(

What can I do here? I just want things to improve for all of us!

OP posts:
MesChiensSontBeaux · 22/10/2021 00:14

As for the dog behaviour itself, puppies and teen dogs, especially boys can growl and snap. Good training, socialisation and time is what is needed, not rehoming.

julieca · 22/10/2021 00:21

I don't actually think this has much to do with the puppy. You don't end a marriage over this.
You don't need a reason to end the marriage if you no longer want to be married.
You also can end it if your desire to have another child is very strong and you want to see if that is possible to have.
If you don't want to end your marriage I would look at marriage counselling.

julieca · 22/10/2021 00:22

I am also struck that you say nothing about love. You say he is a good dad and helps out around the house. If that really is the good thing you see about him, then it sounds like your marriage may be over.

oakleaffy · 22/10/2021 00:23

At no time is it ever acceptable to have a dog which snaps.
Even a small one.
Dogs get euthanised for snapping at people, it is not an issue to betaken lightly.

Dogs are absolutely not ''Child substitutes'', they need calm, and order, and a routine..and absolutely should never have been allowed to be 'Mouthy' and snappy.
Training will be expensive, as trainers usually have to work with the human element..No dog reared and socialised properly will be snappy.

The dog is undoubtedly picking up the stresses of the household as well.
Canines are basically mirrors of their home situation.

oakleaffy · 22/10/2021 00:28

@NameChanged4This47

We’ve done and are doing everything we can with the dog behaviour. It’s normal puppy behaviour (as confirmed by vet). To be clear, I didn’t ‘want my way by having another DC’ but I did want a conversion about it. If DH didn’t want the dog which is now pretty clear is the case, it wasn’t really a compromise!
Snapping is not ''Normal puppy behaviour''.

Snapping is a result of not being trained or socialised properly.

Chunkymenrock · 22/10/2021 00:29

I'm still waiting to hear how old this puppy is?

oakleaffy · 22/10/2021 00:42

@Poppydoppy18

Get a proper dog behaviourist (not a trainer who will just throw biscuits at him) that can explain to you why this is happening. Your DH might be happier with him once he behaves better.

I have to say though that dogs are extremely sensitive to the moods and energies of people around them so if he’s surrounded by anxious people who are arguing a lot, he will mirror that behaviour. Your dog will respond nervously (and eventually aggressively) to your anxious husband, that’s what they do.

A great saying: it’s not the dog that gets trained, it’s the human Smile

Spot on. Dogs are mirrors of their home situation, for good or ill, and trainers work mostly with the human/s, as it is the human/s who are doing things incorrectly.
stevalnamechanger · 22/10/2021 00:45

Hire a dog behavioural coach / trainer

1forAll74 · 22/10/2021 00:51

Are you both out at work every day? and don't have time to train a puppy, who will need company,for training purposes. Being well trained might make a difference to how your husband views your dog.

PurpleOkapi · 22/10/2021 00:51

If we’d discussed and came to decision together not to have another child, that would have been fine with me.

Totally irrelevant to the dog, but I don't understand this reasoning. If he doesn't want another child, there's no decision for him to come to. Would you prefer he pretended to be undecided while subtly manipulating you into believing you and he and decided "no" at the same time?

Fefifobum · 22/10/2021 01:22

I feel so sorry for the puppy it didn’t ask to be in the middle of your domestic. It’s very rarely bad animals but as for owners....

Stickyblue1987 · 22/10/2021 01:46

I'm also still wanting to hear how old puppy is and whether the behaviour is 'normal'.

timeisnotaline · 22/10/2021 01:51

@AnneLovesGilbert

Who’s talking about ending the marriage? You don’t say he’s given you an ultimatum so are you saying you’ll divorce him if he asks you to rehome it?

I’m not a dog person and I’d leave it my husband got one but you’re being quite dramatic.

Have you addressed his increasing anxiety? What’s he doing to manage it?

You seem to still resent him saying no to another baby, and you mention multiple DC so it’s not like you didn’t get any or had one.

Is this an excuse you’ve been looking for to suggest divorce?

‘If you want another child you’ll have to have it with someone else’ is pretty ultimatum type language!
GiltEdges · 22/10/2021 02:10

Puppy mouthing is completely normal from a developmental perspective as a PP said, but if you're training with appropriate redirections, it's a very short phase in my experience. How old is the dog?

Also, is there any pattern to the snapping i.e. is it mainly directed towards your DH? If so, it's possible that this is boundary pushing due to a lack of interaction between him and the dog, rather than younger puppy mouthing. Dogs are remarkably good at 'reading a room' so to speak, so if your DH is anxious it's definitely possible for the dog to be picking up on that and reacting accordingly.

In the latter case, realistically it won't get any better unless your DH becomes an active participant in the dog's training and this ideally should be 1-2-1 rather than group sessions. If he can't/won't commit to that, then the kindest thing all round would be to find your dog a more suitable home.

Derbee · 22/10/2021 02:17

Totally normal for a puppy to be bitey. It’s a developmental stage which they grow out of with decent training.

I would let my partner leave before I gave my dog up for rehoming. People who rehome pets at the drop of a hat boil my piss. Threatening the children with rehoming the dog is appalling. If he’s not happy, show him where the door is

CaptainCabinets · 22/10/2021 02:27

Why is the immediate thought to rehome this dog that YOU HAVE FAILED TO TRAIN and make it someone else’s problem? Train your fucking dog.

Oh4Tunas · 22/10/2021 02:31

I would absolutely insist that he give it more time before making such a drastic decision. This puppy was his suggestion, his compromise. He can't give up on it so easily, especially now that your children are attached to it.

If it's puppy behaviour, then it can be improved upon as he matures, with time and consistent training. I'd suggest that your husband spend more time with the puppy, to bond with it. Or does he not like dogs at all? I'd involve him at times when the puppy is sleepy, tired out after playing.

But to be honest, this is something I'd expect to have to do with a nervous young child unfamiliar with dogs, not a grown man! He's being a bit of a baby about the puppy. It can't be that bad, if you and the kids are fine with it. I can't imagine he would have agreed to a dog if he had a phobia, so is he actually scared of it?

Rangoon · 22/10/2021 02:54

Is the dog actually biting? I'm not sure what you mean by snapping? Does he just look like he might be about to bite and barking? There's a world of difference between these two things. I suppose if it's a small dog it couldn't do much damage. We used to have chihuahuas and they didn't like strangers or children who were rough and would try to bite them if they came up and got in their faces but a chihuahua isn't going to do much damage. My dad refused to walk the chihuahuas because he said it wasn't manly! On the other hand, my dad wasn't wet enough to be scared of a puppy.

malificent7 · 22/10/2021 03:00

Your dh dosn't sound too bad. The puppy sounds like a handful. You sound like you"re resentful still about not having another child. Councelling might be a good stsrt. It's not selfish to not want another child but he could have talked more i spose.

malificent7 · 22/10/2021 03:00

I also think puppy sounds like a baby substitute.

Bananarice · 22/10/2021 03:03

There is nothing wrong with wanting more dc. There are a lot of things I want in life, but can't get. For big things in life I discuss it and do my best to move on.

I think it was 100% unfair for your dh to decide what you should do (even if you agree) without letting you talk about it.

Just like he is talking about his emotions and how having a dog is affecting his life. You should get the opportunity to talk about your feelings/ longing for another dc, even though it is not practical because of a, b and c.

PurpleOkapi · 22/10/2021 03:26

‘If you want another child you’ll have to have it with someone else’ is pretty ultimatum type language!

If that was his initial response the first time he was asked the question, then yeah, it was petty. I rather doubt it was. But either way, ultimatums are fine when they're true. He's categorically unwilling to have another child with her. He would sooner divorce than have one. That means if she wants one, she'll have to have it with someone else. There's no way around that fact. I don't think sugarcoating or misrepresenting his position would accomplish anything positive.

PurpleOkapi · 22/10/2021 03:27

And on that note:

I agreed I’d do most of the handling etc and I don’t mind that at all.

Why is everyone blaming DH here? OP agreed to do "most of the handling." If the puppy being snappish and poorly socialised is anyone's fault, it's OP's.

knittingaddict · 22/10/2021 03:59

What breed is your dog?

Did your husband get a say in what dog you got and what breed?

Do you take your dog to training classes?

We had a rescue dog for many years and he was a much loved member of our family. However I hate small snappy dogs and would never own one. I also think every dog and it's owner should be put through training classes. I hated every one of the classes we did with ours, but I think it was a necessity and invaluable in making us into responsible dog owners and our dog into a pet that people wanted to be around.

I'm sure that there is more to the story, but your husband's desire not to have another child, when you have more than one already and not to want a snappy puppy is perfectly reasonable.

onelittlefrog · 22/10/2021 05:17

Those little puppy needle teeth are horrible. I don't really blame your husband for not liking it, although I think asking you to rehome it is unfair, especially after the whole explanation of why you have the dog in the first place.

You need to really commit to training it to stop doing this.