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Original poster

To let puppy break up marriage?

171 replies

NameChanged4This47 · 21/10/2021 22:39

Bit of back story, 4 years ago, I asked DH if we could discuss having another child. DH completely shut down conversation and said if I wanted another child it would have to be with someone else. I was upset-both because he refused to discuss and the comment about someone else. We’ve been together almost 20 years. If we’d discussed and came to decision together not to have another child, that would have been fine with me. He’s not a big talker but I think he realised how upset I was and suggested as compromise we could get puppy as he knew I’d always wanted a dog.

He put it off but we got a dog earlier this year. Pup is amazing. I love him and kids do too. But he’s a handful! I agreed I’d do most of the handling etc and I don’t mind that at all. But recently DH is getting really stressed out being around dog and has told me tonight he’s scared of him (he’s a very small dog, but can be a bit snappy). DH wants to rehome but DCs are breaking their hearts and so am I, along with the fact that it feels like it’s another thing where DH has basically got his own way.

DH over the years has become more anxious about a lot of stuff and this is definitely channeled towards the dog at the moment, we both have stressful jobs, life is busy etc. We have been bickering a lot too recently-about this and generally me feeling like he’s being quite selfish. He says he won’t change and he can’t change the way he feels. He’s a good dad and helps out round the house etc. But this feels like the straw that might ultimately break us :(

What can I do here? I just want things to improve for all of us!

OP posts:
YourFinestPantaloons · 21/10/2021 23:08

@AliceinBorderland

Your love for ddog will be much better for you and your dc...

Right. A dog will be better than a good dad. Just when you think you've heard everything.

A dog ...🤦🏼‍♀️

Ridiculous isn't it!

A snappy dog sounds like a fucking nightmare.

lynntheyresexpeople · 21/10/2021 23:10

I don't think being scared of a snappy dog is selfish at all. Your children need their dad more than they need a dog.

SRS29 · 21/10/2021 23:10

We've just been in Newquay for a few days which seemed to be filled with yappy dogs and very ignorant owners...the noise was sometimes unbearable....learn to control the things or don't have them

Penistoe · 21/10/2021 23:11

He didn’t get his own way not wanting another child.
You should train your dog.

twilightermummy · 21/10/2021 23:13

**AliceinBorderland

along with the fact that it feels like it’s another thing where DH has basically got his own way.

Got his own way on what?!

You have kids. Plural. You already have a family with more than one child. Why should you get your own way to have yet another one any more than he should?

He didn't want another one so you accept that or leave.

I don't know why anyone thinks a dog solves anything. You have all of your life stresses and then you have a dog on top of it all.

Snappy dog sounds awful tbh.**

This completely!

I first misread and thought that you didn’t have children at all, then realised in the second paragraph that you have kidS! Honestly op you need to try harder than this. If you want to that is.

RunningFromInsanity · 21/10/2021 23:14

From a dog behaviour point of view- All puppies are nippy/snappy. That’s normal and they will grow out of it.
Puppies put a strain on even the most solid of marriages.

But I don’t think this is really about the puppy.

PigeonLittle · 21/10/2021 23:14

It is normal puppy behaviour in that its not a medical problem. A bit like your child biting every day at nursery is "normal" but actually, it's not ok and steps should be taken to prevent it rather than accept it as normal.

And puppies are smart, it's so quick for them to learn negative behaviours. Its not ok for your pup to snap. And it's SO EASY to react to their snap in a way that compounds the problem and trains it in.

Get a dog trainer asap, a positive behavioural therapist. Get advice on when to neuter bearing this behaviour and more importantly it's impact on your marriage.

Puppies can be total dickheads. If you both work full time, and have kids it can feel like a huge additional burden.

It really feels like your husband is coming last at the moment. The conversation you had about kids sound really hurtful, but I wonder if his rapid response was a reflection of the weight of responsibility he feels daily and stress he might be under?

Heronwatcher · 21/10/2021 23:16

I think you have unresolved issues with your partner which have nothing to do with the dog. If you want to save the marriage you might want to think about some kind of couples therapy or counselling. But be honest with yourself, to me it sounds as though you’ve just had enough of him. I wouldn’t rehome the dog either but if I wanted to save the mart I would try everything short of this such as training etc.

whiteroseredrose · 21/10/2021 23:16

It would be the straw that broke the camel's back for me.

A dog is a commitment, not a throwaway thing.

OK, he does need training but might be going through his 'teenage' years. Equally he could be snappy because of your DH's behaviour.

Your DH does sound selfish to me - by all means say that you don't want more DH but at least have the courtesy to talk about it to you.

No. I'd keep the dog and rehome the DH.

suburbanhousewine · 21/10/2021 23:17

The dog is a red herring.

Puppies bite.

DH is an arse.

C152 · 21/10/2021 23:20

Could it be that, rather than the dog itself, it's your DH's increasing anxiety that's the issue? Would he consider seeing someone about it? Life can be incredibly stressful when you're anxious about many things, so it's possible things like the dog seem much worse than they would do if he weren't already anxious.

In the meantime, would it help if the two of you could talk about training for the dog and when it's likely to grow out of the snappy stage? If he knew there was a timeline and a plan of action, it might make this stage easier for him to cope with.

HalzTangz · 21/10/2021 23:22

I don't believe for one second your vet said a puppy snapping is normal behaviour, it most certainly isn't.
Who is tending to the dog whilst you and husband are working all day, do you WFH or in an office. If the latter it's not really fair to leave a puppy home alone all day.
Get a proper trainer to sort the behaviour out. I have dogs but would be scared if one of mine started snapping at me so I completely understand your husband's view on this

XelaM · 21/10/2021 23:22

All puppies are nippy. We have the most placid, people-loving pug and he was also very bitey as a younger pup

BurntO · 21/10/2021 23:24

I feel sorry for him TBH

Lou98 · 21/10/2021 23:25

@NameChanged4This47

We’ve done and are doing everything we can with the dog behaviour. It’s normal puppy behaviour (as confirmed by vet). To be clear, I didn’t ‘want my way by having another DC’ but I did want a conversion about it. If DH didn’t want the dog which is now pretty clear is the case, it wasn’t really a compromise!

If you got the dog at the start of the year, it's no longer "normal puppy behaviour" to still be snapping. Puppies mouth when they're young but I'm assuming here that your dog is over 6 months now with it being October.

I work with dogs and often find when people describe them as "a bit snappy" usually means they bite aggressively (not playfully - which still isn't ideal).

You said you've tried addressing the issue with getting help and training etc so I do personally think your husband is being sensible in wanting to rehome when you have children in the house. While I agree getting a dog is for life, these things can happen and I wouldn't risk it round my kids. It doesn't matter how 'small' your dog is - a bite can still be nasty (I know this from experience at work).

Honestly, you sound a bit harsh towards your husband, he is scared of the dogs biting and has been increasingly getting worse anxiety wise and all you can say is he is being selfish and "getting his own way again"

Hopeisallineed · 21/10/2021 23:27

You should never get a dog unless both of you are onboard. He shouldn’t have given in to the pressure as he clearly doesn’t like the dog, sounds like you have already chosen dog over husband and the fact you are even contemplating it makes me think you are not that invested in your relationship anyway.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 21/10/2021 23:27

Ok… this sounds like the puppy velociraptor stage, Yes it’s normal and yes with training they grow out of it, all dogs go through this (except for all of the perfect dogs of mumsnet posters)

You and your DH have a communication problem. The dog is not the issue, the potential child isn’t the issue, the fact that you aren’t a team in your marriage is the issue.

You may have a fundamental compatibility problem. You aren’t on the same page as far as big things. That needs to be sorted.

He may have a depression or stress problem, that will exacerbate all the other issues.

Does any of this ring true? If it does then before any life altering changes, you both need to figure out first the communication, then the stress/depression, and last make sure you both are still on the same path.

All of this is totally easier said than done, but that’s where I would start. If you can’t sort out those 3 things you’re doomed as a married couple anyway.

elbea · 21/10/2021 23:27

Is the puppy mouthing rather than snapping? Mouthing is a totally normal developmental stage.

TuftyMarmoset · 21/10/2021 23:28

The fact that you are even considering the dog over your husband suggests to me that the marriage is already over in your mind. You made vows to this man, you have children together. And you want to break up over a dog which is making him anxious and uncomfortable in his own home?

sillysmiles · 21/10/2021 23:28

DH over the years has become more anxious about a lot of stuff

Is he doing anything to address this? Or is he just expecting you and the kids to accommodate his irrationality?
That sounds like a pain!

me4real · 21/10/2021 23:29

It's one thing PP's saying they wouldn't have a snappy little dog. It's another thing him saying he's scared of it.

Things to reduce stress would be him getting more help for his issues.

Original poster
NameChanged4This47 · 21/10/2021 23:29

Thanks so much for all your replies-even those which have been critical of my reaction have been really helpful as it’s helped me to see things more from DHs perspective :)

Ultimately, I know I know will choose my marriage over the dog-I love my DH and when we’re good we’re great if that makes sense!!

In the meantime, have my fingers crossed that pup grows out of this phase very soon, the training we’re doing starts to work, and will definitely think of what else I can do to make life a bit easier.

OP posts:
Cryalot2 · 21/10/2021 23:30

What breed is the dog? Is it a breed that needs lots of exercise and stimulation?

There is no need for it to be snappy.
They are loveable and dh would choose the dog over me and me likewise. We love the dog to bits.
Could your dh have depression? He sounds as though he needs to see his gp . Good luck with that, trying to see a gp I mean.
You need to chat to your dh to find out the problems and see how to resolve or if they can be resolved.
Do you and dh ever walk the dog together ( we find it helps and dh loves to tell other dog owners how wonderful the dog is ) . Our dog has been a life saver.
Good wishes op.

Mistymoors · 21/10/2021 23:31

I don’t think the dog is the problem here . Rehome the husband!

Luckingfovely · 21/10/2021 23:31

How old is the puppy, is the most important question?

A young puppy will naturally be biting when teething etc, but will grow out of it at a certain stage.

However if the dog is a bit older and you are letting an untrained snappy dog live in the house with your children, then you are heinously derelict in your responsibility to safeguard your children, and your husband should be rehoming both you and the dog away from your kids for their protection.

And don't get me started on your priorities with regards to your family life Hmm