DH buying cheap at the supermarket.

[WhatsAppening]

I know this is a first world problem but humour me.

DH is wonderful in every way but we have very different attitudes to spending.

I work crazy hours and am rarely home for dinner so the weekly shop falls to him, he orders it and I collect it. Every week I want to cry into the boot of my car as I pack bags of Tesco Value everything.

He knows I love a roast on a Sunday and that’s one of few days I’m almost guaranteed to be home for dinner. He isn’t the best of cooks but he tries really hard.

He always buys own brand cheap frozen roast potatoes/yorkshires. I am not at all averse to frozen ones but these are the 30p a bag version and they taste of sadness and misery.

He’s bought a pre prepared pork joint which I know from experience will be dry and tasteless. It would be a better economy to slow roast a shoulder joint and have sandwich meat for the week.

The kicker though this week is he’s bought value cat litter. Cat litter ffs. It’s rubbish. The house will stink.

We budget £600 pcm for the supermarket and he rarely spends more than £90pw and that includes four bottles of wine for me.

AIBU? YABU he’s being frugal and that’s good and you only have one meal a week at home anyway so suck it up.

YANBU he could splash out a bit on certain things.

@WhatsAppening

So I’ve just got out of the shower and he’s popped his head in the bedroom to catch me naked let me know how much overtime he’s earned this month (more than I earn in a month, incidentally).

Oh good, I said. Does that mean we can buy Aunt Bessies instead of those horrible ones that taste like dust?

Oh, he said. I didn’t realise you didn’t like them. Yep, no worries.

I really should have had this conversation weeks ago…

👆👆

Hm, I'm not sure who is U here. For someone who doesn't really cook and is happy eating ready meals, doing a full roast from scratch would probably be a massive undertaking. Besides, he thinks the disgusting frozen 30p roasties are brilliant, so why would he bother making them from scratch?

I think maybe you need to start having the lovely roast at work, or do a roast yourself on a different day when you aren't working or are working a late. I used to do a full roast for DH and I on random week days because he was usually working nights over the weekend. It was much nicer to do it properly when we had the time to enjoy it. There is no rule that says it has to be a Sunday!

You really are borderline on being a functional alcoholic OP.

It might be time to tackle that.

No. That's not a conversation. That's a comment. As you are naked out of the shower he comes to tell you about his bonus. You ask for aunt Bessie's.

Do you know how to talk? Have a conversation?

It starts with : something like :

I was wondering if I could talk to you about something. It's nothing that you've done wrong it's just something I've noticed. When we cook, .... you choose cheaper food..... I just wondered because I see food quite differently ..... and do you think it's because you've been worried about money and I was wondering if in the future we could do this and we could do that ....... because some of the cheap stuff I'm not very keen on and it doesn't taste as nice..... how do you feel about all that.... is that ok?

Which often leads onto a conversation about ........ how people feel differently about things, differently about money, differently about food, how people save money, how people are frightened of money - a Person might have grown up being poor, never felt secure re money. we all have different views of things.

Then you can discuss that and get to the core issue of things and help resolve things.

So why aren't you doing all of this? one comment as you step outside of the shower about aunt Bessie's is not the answer. address the core problem is.

@Oblomov21

No. That's not a conversation. That's a comment. As you are naked out of the shower he comes to tell you about his bonus. You ask for aunt Bessie's.

Do you know how to talk? Have a conversation?

It starts with : something like :

I was wondering if I could talk to you about something. It's nothing that you've done wrong it's just something I've noticed. When we cook, .... you choose cheaper food..... I just wondered because I see food quite differently ..... and do you think it's because you've been worried about money and I was wondering if in the future we could do this and we could do that ....... because some of the cheap stuff I'm not very keen on and it doesn't taste as nice..... how do you feel about all that.... is that ok?

Which often leads onto a conversation about ........ how people feel differently about things, differently about money, differently about food, how people save money, how people are frightened of money - a Person might have grown up being poor, never felt secure re money. we all have different views of things.

Then you can discuss that and get to the core issue of things and help resolve things.

So why aren't you doing all of this? one comment as you step outside of the shower about aunt Bessie's is not the answer. address the core problem is.

That’s a weirdly patronising post.

Do you think we’d have weathered fifteen years together if we didn’t ever have a conversation? I know him very well and he knows me and I know exactly why he chooses cheaper food.

It only took me mentioning that I don’t like the own brand roasties. He happily buys my ten pound bottles of wine (although is chuffed when they’re on offer) and doesn’t mention my expensive skincare or makeup because he knows we see things differently.

We don’t need to have a whole ‘getting to know you’ conversation. We know each other very well.

"I know exactly why he chooses cheaper food. "

So all the other things are also resolved aswell?
Cheap yorkshires, the pork joint, cat litter, turning the heater down.

Meet in the middle. Tell him you love that he made a roast but next time use better quality ingredients and it will be great.

He doesn't have to start cooking from scratch. He can get one of those roast in the bag chickens, some aunt Bessie's frozen roast potatoes and yorkies, and a tub of bisto and it will be lovely.

Explain that you would rather have one less takeaway a month but eat nicer food at home the rest of the time.

Do you think we’d have weathered fifteen years together if we didn’t ever have a conversation? I know him very well and he knows me and I know exactly why he chooses cheaper food.

I do wonder how you’ve weathered 15 years together if you can’t have a conversation that starts with “where’s the stuff I ordered on the online shop gone? That would be a conversation I would have with my husband when I were unpacking the groceries”

Nearly 300 comments later and op is still disagreeing with nearly all helpful suggestions. 😂

We know each other very well.

All evidence to the contrary, OP! He doesn't know he is being rude in changing your order (rude and misogynistic imo), he doesn't even what brand of cat litter you prefer, he doesn't know you think the cheap roasts are dry. If you knew each other, he would know NEVER to order that shit.

BECAUSE YOU WON'T TELL HIM.

Making a passive 4 second comment as you got out of shower does not constitute an actual conversation. Even after all our posts, you still don't see that you have a communication problem and you are unable to put your big woman pants on and actually have a conversation with your own husband. Please grow up and tell him you do not appreciate him overruling and changing your order and you do not like some of the cheap and nasty stuff he buys. You seem too immature to be in a relationship. Fgs woman up!

Yabu as you aren't at home for most neals but tabby to insist that the Sunday dinner ingredients are better quality. Maybe write what you'd like down ready for when he shops?

Wow.

Peak Mumsnet.

This was a semi lighthearted post, not a plea for help with my relationship. There’s no drama here.

I went and bought my own replacement bread and cheese, he thought it was a placeholder and I hadn’t looked for deals. No drama.

He didn’t know I didn’t like the roast, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, I brought it up in the context of another conversation so it didn’t feel like a moan. All good.

Re the cat litter, it’s the first time we’ve bought it in years as our 11 year old cat has started refusing to go out. It’s not like he went off our usual brand, we don’t have one.

You're still not getting it. If you are too afraid to tell your own DH that you don't like cheap frozen roasts and potatoes, in case you hurt his feelings, something is very wrong.

Peak Mumsnet is right.

OP, AIBU:

us: you are to not communicate with him. Talk to him.

OP: No.

Us: Why can't you communicate with him.

OP: I made a quick 4 second comment when he popped his head around the door.

Us: So why not just say, if you know each other so well.

OP: I don't want to hurt his feelings.

FFS!

If you refuse to tell him off for changing your order without telling you (my DH would do that once, and he'd know not to again) and over-ruling you, assuming without asking you (rude, controlling and misogynistic of you so he doesn't care about your feelings does he?), and are too afraid to tell him his roasts are dry because you're afraid of his feelings and how he'd react, you truly have a communication problem in your relationship.

If you can't even talk to him about a dry roast, your marriage will fall apart if anything truly serious requiring careful communication comes up. But do blame us all you want. But remember you're the one coming on here, writing excuses for why you cannot communicate with your husband over something as small as a dry roast. Not us.

@RedHelenB She did write it down. He over-ruled her. He doesn't seem to care about annoying her or upsetting her feelings.

I have a friend whose husband was frugal. Not tight, but brought up to be careful with money.

...Well, okay, and a bit tight.

They were pretty wealthy. Both in high-paying jobs. She said to him many times that the brandname beans were just a lot nicer, and not much more pricey, than the no-brand ones. Also, soup. And kitchen towels. And soap.

It became a constant niggle between them. I mean, there were a lot of other things awry in their marriage, but this pennypinching attitude - and the implication that her preferences weren't important - became symbolic of the whole situation.

She got home one night after a long and hard week, way after the husband and the kids had eaten and were in asleep. She decided to make a sandwich. She went to the larder and was faced with a bottle of no-name mayo. She'd especially asked him to get Hellmann's.

She says that in that moment - that precise moment - she decided she was going to get divorced.

"I just realised that I didn't want a life of crap mayonnaise."

I’m not too afraid to tell him fgs. It’s about kindness.

It’s a very minor issue in the scheme of things and I was weighing up whether it’s important enough to me to potentially make him feel bad.

I’ve mentioned it, he will now buy the premium roasties. He’s trying to do a nice thing, it would have been utterly shit of me to immediately say ‘well this isn’t good enough’.

I’m genuinely laughing at the idea that we wouldn’t be able to weather anything more serious. You have no idea about some of the actually traumatic shit we’ve been through together.

@WhatsAppening

Wow.

Peak Mumsnet.

This was a semi lighthearted post, not a plea for help with my relationship. There’s no drama here.

I went and bought my own replacement bread and cheese, he thought it was a placeholder and I hadn’t looked for deals. No drama.

He didn’t know I didn’t like the roast, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, I brought it up in the context of another conversation so it didn’t feel like a moan. All good.

Re the cat litter, it’s the first time we’ve bought it in years as our 11 year old cat has started refusing to go out. It’s not like he went off our usual brand, we don’t have one.

This must be the strangest backtracking post I’ve ever seen by an OP.

Backtracking

Show me where in my OP I was doing anything other than having a bit of a whinge. It wasn’t anything deep and meaningful.

Honestly this thread is AIBU bingo.

Me: I work 60hrs in shifts so never cook anymore and my Dh does a sub par roast.

MN: cook it yourself, he’s obviously abusive, if you can’t communicate about this your marriage is dead, you sound like a princess, the poor man doing everything, oh and you’re an alcoholic.

Never change, randoms on MN, never change.

@WhatsAppening

I’m not too afraid to tell him fgs. It’s about kindness.

It’s a very minor issue in the scheme of things and I was weighing up whether it’s important enough to me to potentially make him feel bad.

I’ve mentioned it, he will now buy the premium roasties. He’s trying to do a nice thing, it would have been utterly shit of me to immediately say ‘well this isn’t good enough’.

I’m genuinely laughing at the idea that we wouldn’t be able to weather anything more serious. You have no idea about some of the actually traumatic shit we’ve been through together.

it would have been utterly shit of me to immediately say ‘well this isn’t good enough’

No, it wouldn't. It's called being a mature adult having a grown up conversation.

You still don't get it.

@WhatsAppening

Honestly this thread is AIBU bingo.

Me: I work 60hrs in shifts so never cook anymore and my Dh does a sub par roast.

MN: cook it yourself, he’s obviously abusive, if you can’t communicate about this your marriage is dead, you sound like a princess, the poor man doing everything, oh and you’re an alcoholic.

Never change, randoms on MN, never change.

OP, you are obstinately doubling down when your inability to communicate is so very clear to everyone on here, strange that you don't have the maturity or courage to be as straight forward, direct, and matter of fact with your husband as you are in your deep denial with us. My DH would disrespect me by doing that only once. He'd never do it again. But, see, I have a full, frank and open communication and 50-50 relationship. You don't. You are classic AIBU: all of us: Yes. You: No I'm not because (insert all sort of excuses including work hours that don't mean jack shit when it comes to direct communication. Since you are sooooo convinced your avoidance method of communication is ok, why did you even bother to come on here? Why don't you do what the other ones do, now seek to have your thread removed and flounce off as it hasn't gone your way and you refuse to admit you cannot even communicate with your own husband when he doesn't give a damn about hurting your feelings or over-ruling you, he makes assumptions and doesn't even bother to check with you?

@WhatsAppening

Honestly this thread is AIBU bingo.

Me: I work 60hrs in shifts so never cook anymore and my Dh does a sub par roast.

MN: cook it yourself, he’s obviously abusive, if you can’t communicate about this your marriage is dead, you sound like a princess, the poor man doing everything, oh and you’re an alcoholic.

Never change, randoms on MN, never change.

Well you’re the one who came for advice to us ‘randoms’.

Most people have responded to you in good faith, including me, you’re the one who has done an about turn and said there never was an issue.

@StarfishDish

We have frozen everything for our Sunday dinner as its cheaper and literally tastes the same. Frozen joint, frozen Yorkshire puddings, frozen veg and frozen mash 🤔

Tastes the same as what? Certainly not home made roast potatoes and yorkshire puddings.

Frozen mash is ok but I still prefer making it myself

If I’d wanted marriage advice I’d have posted in relationships. This was just a bored whinge on a rainy afternoon.

I know I’m a getting a bit defensive but it’s very tiring reading all the misconceptions about my relationship drawn from one short post.