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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to think you wear black to a funeral?

165 replies

NotLikeTheOthers · 21/10/2021 08:59

Just that really. You wear black to a funeral, unless the family have requested otherwise, don't you? DM doesn't like wearing black and is going to wear a burgundy outfit. Is that viewed as disrespectful? I feel like mostly black with a muted colour might be ok, but not no black. I don't go to lots of funerals though so need to know what the done thing is please!

OP posts:
Comedycook · 21/10/2021 11:53

I'd rather play safe and wear black personally. I did go to a funeral where we were requested to wear bright colours, unfortunately all my clothes are black anyway so it was quite a challenge Grin

OchonAgusOchonOh · 21/10/2021 12:00

I'm 55, have been to loads of funerals and don't think I have ever worn all black. The nearest to black I usually get is my shoes!

Fil died recently. The only one wearing all black was one dil, who tends to be a little overly formal anyway. Another dil had some black in her outfit. Nobody else, including the widow and his children, wore any black other than shoes.

I haven't seen family wearing all black, or even mostly black, at a funeral for years. It's something I remember from my childhood where immediate family would often wear all black but that's a long time ago.

RB68 · 21/10/2021 12:00

Somber colours would be my choice so anything dark - burgundy dark green navy greys all OK

Kids the tradition was always school uniform as that was considered formal wear and often outside of that kids didn't have formal wear so that was the next best thing without forking out for a new outfit at short notice etc.

For me smart is the most important bit - so no trainers, jeans , crop tops etc. School uniform is still a good compromise for children at primary stage, older children I would say shirt and trousers/skirt or dress in a dark colour and not too short

Simonjt · 21/10/2021 12:02

@Boood

It’s so easy to obtain plain, smart black clothes cheaply that I think failing to do so for a funeral is actually pretty disrespectful and making it all about you. Children is one thing, but I really don’t think there’s an excuse for adults.
Off the peg trousers don’t fit me, where do you suggest I buy cheap black trousers quickly? FYI I wear the traditional colours to a funeral, white and orange. A white kurta is easy and very cheap to obtain, so there really isn’t any excuse for an adult like yourself not to have one.
EBearhug · 21/10/2021 12:02

I don't really remember what anyone wore to my parents' funerals. I did wear black, but I have quite a bit of black in my wardrobe. I usually wear navy or grey. The main thing is that people are there.

When I was in the 6th form, a boy from the boys school was killed in an accident, but we all knew him. We went in school uniform then, and clearly we all knew exactly what the strictest version of the uniform was, because we all wore it then with no prompting, and no arguing about shades of green or lengths of skirt or anything.

Follow a dress code if one is given or wear black or dark colours if not. But don't worry too much, because unless you're in a bikini or something, people won't remember much about what you wear.

backtolifebacktoreality · 21/10/2021 12:03

I wear black, navy or dark grey. Somehow it feels more respectable, unless someone specifically asks for bright colours!

OchonAgusOchonOh · 21/10/2021 12:04

@Boood

It’s so easy to obtain plain, smart black clothes cheaply that I think failing to do so for a funeral is actually pretty disrespectful and making it all about you. Children is one thing, but I really don’t think there’s an excuse for adults.
Turning up to express condolences while wearing clean and non-scruffy clothes is respectful and generally appreciated by the bereaved.

In my experience, those following an outdated dress code (i.e. turning up head-to-toe in black unless immediate family) are the ones making it all about them. It's all "Look at me. I grieve properly."

Cheeseplantboots · 21/10/2021 12:04

I can’t remember the last time I wore black to a funeral. When my MIL died earlier this year she’d requested people wore their usual clothes. Last few have specifically requested no black. If it didn’t though I’d stick to darker colours.

Dolphinnoises · 21/10/2021 12:04

@Burnerphone21

School uniform??? Why??

I don't think it matters what you wear to a funeral I think it's about taking the time to attend and support

Traditionally, especially for families without much money sloshing about, kids wear school uniform to funerals as it’s the nearest thing they have to a suit
MintJulia · 21/10/2021 12:09

I go for tidy and respectful, rather than just black.

Our last funeral (last December lockdown), I wore a long black skirt, brown heeled boots a rose pink knit top and a black and brown belted raincoat.

Burgundy sounds fine.

LittleDandelionClock · 21/10/2021 12:13

Hard to answer tbh. As a few posters have said, it depends on the family. I would probably wear black unless asked otherwise. Burgundy is OK though. Not like you're wearing hot pink is it?!

grey12 · 21/10/2021 12:14

Don't think I would do burgundy..... too close to red (unless it's super dark). And red is kind of a no-no

But any subdued clothes are fine. Even if they're light

I once saw a lady wearing a zebra outfit!!!! 🤦🏻‍♀️ yes it was black-ish but it was sooooo inappropriate

merryhouse · 21/10/2021 12:28

One of the people at a church social when I was little did a monologue

"fancy going to a funeral in brahn boots"

which I see is another Stanley Holloway one

must admit e ad a nice black tie
black fingernails and a nice black eye Grin

We didn't know - 'e didn't say -
'e'd gave 'is other boots away

www.goodfuneralguide.co.uk/2012/07/brahn-boots-stanley-holloway/

LittleDandelionClock · 21/10/2021 12:31

@grey12

Don't think I would do burgundy..... too close to red (unless it's super dark). And red is kind of a no-no

But any subdued clothes are fine. Even if they're light

I once saw a lady wearing a zebra outfit!!!! 🤦🏻‍♀️ yes it was black-ish but it was sooooo inappropriate

But there's no such thing a light - or bright - burgundy.

It is a dark colour...

NewlyGranny · 21/10/2021 12:35

Black, navy, charcoal or a very sombre burgundy are all fine.

ThanksItHasPockets · 21/10/2021 12:42

Do some pp know what burgundy looks like? It is a dark colour. There’s no such thing as ‘bright burgundy’, just as there is no bright navy or charcoal.

BiddyPop · 21/10/2021 12:45

Darker colours would definitely be best, so black, dark grey, navy, burgundy, dark brown etc. But I think the "nothing but black" dress code has relaxed somewhat now.

I would prefer to be smartly dressed, while reflecting the personality of the deceased, in muted colours, than focus on black.

Also, a long black coat with a dark scarf can be extremely useful for such an occasion (especially if you will only be going to the church etc, and not onwards to an indoor gathering) - as that can cover up a multitude. (The last funeral I had to attend was just before lockdown happened, which we knew was coming, and I had to run straight from there to my Cub Scouts meeting in my uniform as we knew that would be the last in person for a while - so my black coat and scarf combo covered me up perfectly for the church but I was ready for Cubs afterwards....the deceased would have appreciated it with a big smile as he was a big supporter of children and having fun!).

Of course, the muted colours thing is depending on the family of the deceased not having asked for a particular dress code - I have been to a few where bright colours were requested and that has been lovely too.

sbhydrogen · 21/10/2021 12:45

I've been to more funerals than I can shake a stick at, and dark colours are fine. I have a go-to funeral dress which is black but with small white and red flowers. I normally team it with black tights and shoes.

Burgundy will be fine, but maybe encourage a black jacket, bag and shoes.

Ozanj · 21/10/2021 12:47

I wear burgundy too.

00100001 · 21/10/2021 12:49

@Burnerphone21

School uniform??? Why??

I don't think it matters what you wear to a funeral I think it's about taking the time to attend and support

It's mostly just the skirt/trousers and shirt, because a lot of kids don't own smart clothes/suits as everyday wear.
elliejjtiny · 21/10/2021 12:54

Burgundy is fine. Every funeral I've been to except 1 (and I work in a church so been to loads) the family have requested no black.

bigbluebus · 21/10/2021 12:56

I think lots of older people just wear dark colours. But I have seen younger people turn up in jeans and t shirt. Being there matters more than what you are wearing.
I did roll my eyes at my DN turning up at his Grandfather's funeral wearing a coat with a big rip in the sleeve seam though. I'm sure my DB could afford a new coat for him! Even if it happened on the way I'd have made him take it off in the church at least!

exiledfromcornwall · 21/10/2021 13:00

I don't think it's expected now like it once was. Last few I have been to people have been wearing colours other than black, and that is going back a good few years.

pointythings · 21/10/2021 13:03

I think muted dark colours is fine as a convention - the last conventional funeral I went to was definitely not all black. The main thing is that if the family expresses a wish, you respect that. When I was arranging my late husband's funeral, I said that we would like people to wear colours unless they were uncomfortable not wearing black, because my husband wanted colours at his funeral. DDs and I all wore blue, because it was his favourite colour.

junebirthdaygirl · 21/10/2021 13:04

At my dms funeral family wore black but it was a beautiful sunny day and people all turned up in bright summer dresses. I thought absolutely nothing except being so glad they were there.
I do draw the line at football jerseys though!!!

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