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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to work?!

343 replies

Anonymouseperson · 20/10/2021 21:33

I’m a mum of two (aged 3 and 5). I worked part time freelance from when my kids were 6 months old. I’ve recently started a new job (35 hours a week) because I thought I should try and get my career back on track and wanted to take the financial pressure off my husband.

I used to be very career driven. I loved my job. I was proud of it. Now, I just don’t give a monkeys. I work so much, my house is a mess and I don’t get to do as much with the kids in the week as I’d like.

This is going to sound really horrible, which is why I’m posting anonymously, but sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending.

Part of my reason for wanting to earn more was my husband’s attitude to money. I am not a spendthrift. I don’t shop really, or do beauty treatments or anything. I bought a £12 lamp once for the front room from wilko and he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time!” (He later apologised for that).

My point is, I work because I can’t stand him getting all stressy with me about money, not because I want to.

AIBU: Is it anti feminist to just want to raise my kids and be looked after?!

I feel guilty even writing this because it’s not who I used to be. I was Ms Ambitious - but I’m not anymore. Also I know a lot of people have it worse and I don’t want to be ungrateful. I’m sorry if it comes over that way.

Maybe I’m just a bit depressed?!

OP posts:
EerieSilence · 21/10/2021 11:01

TBH, I understand where you're coming from. I think, however, that the underlying issue is your DH who behaves like a controlling jerk.
If you sort that out, you will be able to juggle both, work and home.
Btw, I see nothing wrong with SAHPs - if someone wants to stay at home and take care of the children and household, that's their right - I wouldn't call it a cocklodger, it's a hard work, if the person sincerely stays at home for that purpose and does the job.
Cocklodger is about being someone sponging you financially and when it comes to chores and anything else.

feelingfree17 · 21/10/2021 11:03

Sorry, but you need your job and money more than ever. To leave your abusive DH.

worriedatthemoment · 21/10/2021 11:03

@user1487194234 well that comment isn't helpful , if someone wants to be a sahm thats a choice and thats what feminism is - its about having a choice . it can be very rewarding being a sahm too and I could look in the mirror happily every day as that time I spent with my kids was very precious and I consider myself lucky I got that time and that myself and dh could work as a team and a family

Howshouldibehave · 21/10/2021 11:11

Btw, I see nothing wrong with SAHPs - if someone wants to stay at home and take care of the children and household, that's their right

Only if their partner is 100% happy for this to happen though. I don’t think it’s anyone’s ‘right’ to give up work if it entirely depends on their partner being the sole income.

StormTreader · 21/10/2021 11:12

Even the most aggressively strict budgets have an allowance for treats, even if it's just a bar of chocolate once a month, because constant work with no sense of reward is not what humans are designed to do.

If you're providing all this free work with childcare etc and then get screamed at for just a £12 item for the house then it's no wonder the idea of wanting a provider who actually provides adequately has come up.

Irishfarmer · 21/10/2021 11:14

I haven't read all the replies so apologies if this has already been said.

I would have been absolutely mortified about the £12 lamp argument in front of neighbors! I have had a PT job the last few months but was unemployed for over a year (nothing going at all in this area with lockdown). We are not rich, but we are comfortable. When I wasn't working my husband kept saying it is "our" money and to spend what I need, I didn't have much I needed over the past year but felt I could buy new leggings/ trainers without a fuss. We don't have DC (yet) so it's not like I was even a SAHM I was just a SAH! I do help on the farm a good bit though and don't get a wage for that so I guess I was kinda earning my money! Although he said when I get preg again (2 MC this year) I won't be "let" near anything even remotely dangerous on the farm.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to want to be a SAHM when they are small. Plenty of people I know, who don't have family etc near by can't justify paying for childcare. I've always said I would love to be a SAHM until they are in primary school and my DH 100% backs that.

Perfectlyadjusted · 21/10/2021 11:19

I think there are quite a few ways you can make part the income, but it won't be in a secure employed job maybe.

There are online job sites like Airtasker etc where you can make money completing tasks other people don't ant to do. You can train as a bookkeeper, do that online, that's decent money, or become a childminder etc. There are things you can do to fit in with Homelife.

You are feeling the very natural desire to spend time raising your family. That's all, really. It's not anti-feminist to want to do that. It is fairly anti-capitalist, and most of us realise that capitalism is what takes us to work each day for the money! That is the world we live in though, so you need to make it work for you.

You need to be side hustling....

IntermittentParps · 21/10/2021 11:19

they might be generous and not mind about shopping sprees

Can we give it a rest with calling a £12 lamp (for THEIR house) a ' shopping spree', please?
Why are people doing this? Are you all conditioned to think of things a woman buys as somehow frivolous?

LevantHera · 21/10/2021 11:22

My children are not young (15 and 11) and I am out the house for at least 12 hours a day, 5 days a week for work and do 7 hours over the weekend (wfh). Most the time I love my job, but boy I would love to take a year off and just chill at home! YANBU to want to be a SAHP - I would be if my financial situation was different.

Jillydix · 21/10/2021 11:22

You sound exhausted and overwhelmed, ad its not surprising given that you are just back to full time work, with two small DCs, and a husband who does not appear to be doing his fair share. "Helping" is not sharing the load 50/50. Unless he works considerably more hours than you, split up all chores, including dropping and collecting DC from nursery / childminder, bedtime routines, shopping. cleaning, cooking. You need some support, which you clearly aren't getting. Hang in there. Kids grow older, it gets easier.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 21/10/2021 11:23

If you can't buy a £12 light for the family without your husband screaming like an enormous twat because you're wasting his money, then you need to be working ... so you can plan for your life after you divorce the twat.

Seriously.

Hairbrush123 · 21/10/2021 11:26

@Shmithecat2 l personally wouldn’t consider it either if he was my DH but each to their own

Goldbar · 21/10/2021 11:28

£12 is the equivalent of one hour's babysitting/cleaning work around here (though most are paid more). I wonder how many unpaid hours the OP has spent caring for her DC and doing household chores (on top of her paid work).

It's not "his" money unless he's paying the OP for the unpaid labour she is providing.

VestaTilley · 21/10/2021 11:29

I don’t think it’s right to be looked after and not earn your bit (assuming your DC are in childcare), but your DH is bang out of order. Mine would never speak to me like that.

SpeedRunParent · 21/10/2021 11:30

@user1487194234

I really can't understand wanting to not work and rely on someone else to support me Unless due to illness I couldn't look at myself in the mirror I think that is anti feminist and a bad example to children
Feminism is about equality and choice. It's so tedious and unhelpful when people deliberately put others down for making different choices in their partnerships the them, not to mention nasty.
LondonSouth28 · 21/10/2021 11:31

As PPs have said, with a husband like that you need to work. You quit work, you limit your choices in the future. If he goes mad over a £12 lamp it doesn't sound like there is loads of money to be divided up at a divorce?! And given his attitude, you want to have the option to dump him and not have to bite your tongue and endure years of simmering hatred! Work now seems awful and dull but you will not regret it later...

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 21/10/2021 11:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

PleasantBirthday · 21/10/2021 11:35

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

The problem is that your husband is under a lot of pressure being the sole breadwinner.

Unfortunately, because of high house prices, both parents usually have to work even if they don't want to .

I just don't understand why so many people cannot understand that the husband is, and was not, the sole breadwinner except when the OP was on 6 months of maternity leave. She's said it more than once.
AutumnColours9 · 21/10/2021 11:39

Could you switch to part-time? Often you end up not much worse off due to tax and work expenses. I would remain in some sort of work though because of the chance of ended up as a lone parent.

Lynne1Cat · 21/10/2021 11:41

I'm 62 now but was a stay-at-home mum. It was a joint decision for me to stay at home and one that neither of us ever regretted. We had a mortgage (my husband's wage only, of course) when son no. 2 was 1 year old. We had a car (albeit an old banger) and we managed on just that one wage, which wasn't much. BUT we didn't go out (the boys never once had a babysitter), didn't have anything new for the home, and the two of us didn't have new clothes (the boys did), apart from when my mum sometimes treated me to something.

I think women these days try to have it all - a job, mortgage, holidays, cars, days out, new things, etc. It was a struggle "back in the day" but my sons actually thanked me for being there all the time.

Shmithecat2 · 21/10/2021 11:43

@PleasantBirthday

Because some people can't look past the poor menz Confused

KaycePollard · 21/10/2021 11:58

but sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending.

YABU for this alone. Not much more to say. Although you and your DH need to have a sensible adult discussion about attitudes to money and spending, and earning.

But, you know, as someone who’s worked long hours my whole life, it is a burden being the sole earner. Maybe your DH would like more time at home, not working?

allsorts1 · 21/10/2021 11:58

@IntermittentParps sorry a £12 household item isn't a shopping spree I agree! And I'm sure a necessary purchase, and even if not, as a PP said - that's one hour of baby sitting which is well within the OPs right to spend, unless they're really on a tight budget. I just meant in general, you might have a rich DH and access to a credit card for whatever spending you want, but the usual modern expectation for this generation (with exceptions of course) would still be for a career:/professional life - even if temporarily paused while being a SAHP when kids are young.

IntermittentParps · 21/10/2021 12:01

[quote allsorts1]@IntermittentParps sorry a £12 household item isn't a shopping spree I agree! And I'm sure a necessary purchase, and even if not, as a PP said - that's one hour of baby sitting which is well within the OPs right to spend, unless they're really on a tight budget. I just meant in general, you might have a rich DH and access to a credit card for whatever spending you want, but the usual modern expectation for this generation (with exceptions of course) would still be for a career:/professional life - even if temporarily paused while being a SAHP when kids are young. [/quote]
Sure, but then why invoke 'shopping spree' when the OP hasn't mentioned any such thing?
Language matters, especially around women and women's lives. Things like this may seem small, but it's a drip-drip.

BoredZelda · 21/10/2021 12:03

Also, you can earn money from home (see this thread about earning £10 a day £10 a day).

This pisses me off. The OP is talking about working less in order to spend time with her children and look after the home, and you are suggesting she should spend her time titting about on the internet doing surveys and testing websites in order to earn a ridiculously slave labour wage of £10 per day so she can buy a lamp without her husband shouting at her for it. Have a word with yourself.