AIBU to not want to work?!

[Anonymouseperson]

I’m a mum of two (aged 3 and 5). I worked part time freelance from when my kids were 6 months old. I’ve recently started a new job (35 hours a week) because I thought I should try and get my career back on track and wanted to take the financial pressure off my husband.

I used to be very career driven. I loved my job. I was proud of it. Now, I just don’t give a monkeys. I work so much, my house is a mess and I don’t get to do as much with the kids in the week as I’d like.

This is going to sound really horrible, which is why I’m posting anonymously, but sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending.

Part of my reason for wanting to earn more was my husband’s attitude to money. I am not a spendthrift. I don’t shop really, or do beauty treatments or anything. I bought a £12 lamp once for the front room from wilko and he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time!” (He later apologised for that).

My point is, I work because I can’t stand him getting all stressy with me about money, not because I want to.

AIBU: Is it anti feminist to just want to raise my kids and be looked after?!

I feel guilty even writing this because it’s not who I used to be. I was Ms Ambitious - but I’m not anymore. Also I know a lot of people have it worse and I don’t want to be ungrateful. I’m sorry if it comes over that way.

Maybe I’m just a bit depressed?!

@Userg1234

I am so surprised at many of the comments here. The op brings up "once' when her DP lost it on her spending. She makes no mention of how much they earn. Or if there was a reason for his outburst...they could well have been in huge debts when she bought a lamp.

Imagine if a man came out and said he doesn't want to work. Oh wait there have been many treads and the man is always slated.

The reality of the 21st century is 99% of couples, both need to work.

Absolutely agree.

This…

sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending.

I mean, yeah, wouldn’t we all?! I’m sure most men would love that, too.

But we’re adults, right? With responsibilities.

Why do women get to be the ones who opt out? Earning a decent wage - enough to comfortably support an entire family - doesn’t just fall out of the sky.

And women wonder why men don’t respect us.

Why do women get to be the ones who opt out? Earning a decent wage - enough to comfortably support an entire family - doesn’t just fall out of the sky.
No, indeed it doesn't. It comes about because boys are more encouraged to speak up at school; men are paid more than women for doing the same work; women lose out because parental leave is still heavily weighted for women to take and men not to; and women also lose out on career progression because they have to drop their hours when returning, because of the above parental leave issue and the prohibitive costs of childcare. That's if they don't get made redundant or otherwise squeezed out of their job while on maternity leave, as has happened to more women I know than I can face counting.

And women wonder why men don’t respect us.
I would have a think about how much you respect other women, TBH.

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

Why do women get to be the ones who opt out? Earning a decent wage - enough to comfortably support an entire family - doesn’t just fall out of the sky.

And women wonder why men don’t respect us.

Lol. Are you serious? Ever heard of the pay gap? Maternity discrimination? Good old sexism in the work place? Old Boys club?

But yeah, it's women's fault that men don't respect us. 😒

@IntermittentParps

Why do women get to be the ones who opt out? Earning a decent wage - enough to comfortably support an entire family - doesn’t just fall out of the sky. No, indeed it doesn't. It comes about because boys are more encouraged to speak up at school; men are paid more than women for doing the same work; women lose out because parental leave is still heavily weighted for women to take and men not to; and women also lose out on career progression because they have to drop their hours when returning, because of the above parental leave issue and the prohibitive costs of childcare. That's if they don't get made redundant or otherwise squeezed out of their job while on maternity leave, as has happened to more women I know than I can face counting.

And women wonder why men don’t respect us.
I would have a think about how much you respect other women, TBH.

👏👏👏

I wouldn’t expect anyone - man or woman - to respect me, if I went around saying:

“Sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending.”

@IntermittentParps

Why do women get to be the ones who opt out? Earning a decent wage - enough to comfortably support an entire family - doesn’t just fall out of the sky. No, indeed it doesn't. It comes about because boys are more encouraged to speak up at school; men are paid more than women for doing the same work; women lose out because parental leave is still heavily weighted for women to take and men not to; and women also lose out on career progression because they have to drop their hours when returning, because of the above parental leave issue and the prohibitive costs of childcare. That's if they don't get made redundant or otherwise squeezed out of their job while on maternity leave, as has happened to more women I know than I can face counting.

And women wonder why men don’t respect us.
I would have a think about how much you respect other women, TBH.

Many (most?) men don’t manage to earn a salary that comfortably supports en entire family either, is the entire point I’m making.

@thelegohooverer

YANBU you’ve got quite a kicking here today. I’m a sahm with a dh who 100% appreciates my contribution to our lives. He certainly doesn’t want to stay home, and happily reaps the benefits of having his life facilitated. We have a ds with sn, so while staying home wasn’t my plan, we’re both thankful that when it came to it, we could do this for him.

Is he keeping me or am I keeping him? Maybe not directly financially, but he has never had to leave early to get to a creche, pick up a sick child from school, rush to a shop before closing. Pre-covid he could agree to fly across Europe to a meeting, or work late to get a tender out, knowing that his responsibilities as the co-creator of his own offspring were taken care of. And that translates into increased earnings. He has a great work life balance because he doesn’t have to help squeeze the running of the home and life admin into his evenings and weekends.

To maintain this lifestyle, if I went to work I’d need to be paying for childcare to manage therapy appointments and afterschool activities, a cleaner, a meal service or a housekeeper of some kind. Our standard of living would drop if I were doing paid work.

He wasn’t always making enough for this to be comfortable (and we’re only comfortable not rich. There’s no lunches and designer handbags here)- we had years in the beginning on a shoestring, not quite scraping by. I think marrying a rich man is a nice daydream, but finding a partner who sees and respects what you do is the key thing. And that works both ways. There have been nights I’ve put the dc to bed, and then pitched in on his business. I taught myself graphic design in order to have a skill he can call on.

The only person who would benefit from me working right now is me- for pension, future earning capabilities and personal satisfaction. We’ve done our best to take care of the first two. This isn’t the life I aspired to. But I work bloody hard, and I really resent the mumsnet attitude that I’m a fanny lodger or a drain on society. I’ve contributed a lot to my local community, and to the school community.

I really don’t see anything wrong in wishing for a partner who would respect the work of child rearing in the early years and want to support you in providing that.

Well said!!

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

Many (most?) men don’t manage to earn a salary that comfortably supports en entire family either, is the entire point I’m making.

But the majority of those that DO manage to ARE men, because of the reasons pointed out to you.

You're not very good at making points tbh.

@IntermittentParps

Why do women get to be the ones who opt out? Earning a decent wage - enough to comfortably support an entire family - doesn’t just fall out of the sky. No, indeed it doesn't. It comes about because boys are more encouraged to speak up at school; men are paid more than women for doing the same work; women lose out because parental leave is still heavily weighted for women to take and men not to; and women also lose out on career progression because they have to drop their hours when returning, because of the above parental leave issue and the prohibitive costs of childcare. That's if they don't get made redundant or otherwise squeezed out of their job while on maternity leave, as has happened to more women I know than I can face counting.

And women wonder why men don’t respect us.
I would have a think about how much you respect other women, TBH.

This, in spades.

The problem is less that you can't be a SAHM and more that the two of you argue about money, which is a really toxic thing to argue about.

Most people wish they didn't have to work.

Well you are doing 2 separate jobs. The one that takes 35 hours a week and then being a mum to 2 small kids. I am doing the same and I also find it hard and not that fair. I don't care if that makes me sound anti feminist all I know is I am bloody knackered x

[quote Owwasme]@LoveGrooveDanceParty

Many (most?) men don’t manage to earn a salary that comfortably supports en entire family either, is the entire point I’m making.

But the majority of those that DO manage to ARE men, because of the reasons pointed out to you.

You're not very good at making points tbh.[/quote]
And the OP can continue to wish all she wants to have, and I quote, ‘married someone richer who would just look after her and the kids without question, who wouldn’t expect her to work, but also wouldn’t quibble over what she spends’ all she likes.

It doesn’t change the fact that clearly neither of them earn enough for either of them to give up work, spend what they want and not ‘quibble’ over it. He doesn’t. She doesn’t.

Again - I maintain - any man coming on here and saying this would have his arse handed to him on a plate. And he’d well and truly deserve it. But for some reason people are tip-toeing around the OP telling her she’s being entirely reasonable.

[quote Owwasme]@LoveGrooveDanceParty

Many (most?) men don’t manage to earn a salary that comfortably supports en entire family either, is the entire point I’m making.

But the majority of those that DO manage to ARE men, because of the reasons pointed out to you.

You're not very good at making points tbh.[/quote]
I think it’s you who is struggling, you’re so far up on your soap box you’re failing to see the obvious.

If women stopped wishing to be stay at home mums, who saw childcare as a joint parental role, a joint cost, and went into having children as equal parents then this shit would die out

Instead we see thread after thread on here with women giving it, “oh but you should stay home and support your family that way if it works for you” “oh your husband only progressed because uou stayed home” And “oh you if child care costs more than you earn,then stay home”, and “oh I don’t wish to outsource my child care I want to stay home and raise my own children” and “oh gosh I don’t want to work, we will just have to live frugally as I love being at home”

So pretending all women have no choice is nonsense, and we all know it. Plenty of women don’t have a choice, but plenty do. And they chose to opt out first chance they get.

@thelegohooverer

YANBU you’ve got quite a kicking here today. I’m a sahm with a dh who 100% appreciates my contribution to our lives. He certainly doesn’t want to stay home, and happily reaps the benefits of having his life facilitated. We have a ds with sn, so while staying home wasn’t my plan, we’re both thankful that when it came to it, we could do this for him.

Is he keeping me or am I keeping him? Maybe not directly financially, but he has never had to leave early to get to a creche, pick up a sick child from school, rush to a shop before closing. Pre-covid he could agree to fly across Europe to a meeting, or work late to get a tender out, knowing that his responsibilities as the co-creator of his own offspring were taken care of. And that translates into increased earnings. He has a great work life balance because he doesn’t have to help squeeze the running of the home and life admin into his evenings and weekends.

To maintain this lifestyle, if I went to work I’d need to be paying for childcare to manage therapy appointments and afterschool activities, a cleaner, a meal service or a housekeeper of some kind. Our standard of living would drop if I were doing paid work.

He wasn’t always making enough for this to be comfortable (and we’re only comfortable not rich. There’s no lunches and designer handbags here)- we had years in the beginning on a shoestring, not quite scraping by. I think marrying a rich man is a nice daydream, but finding a partner who sees and respects what you do is the key thing. And that works both ways. There have been nights I’ve put the dc to bed, and then pitched in on his business. I taught myself graphic design in order to have a skill he can call on.

The only person who would benefit from me working right now is me- for pension, future earning capabilities and personal satisfaction. We’ve done our best to take care of the first two. This isn’t the life I aspired to. But I work bloody hard, and I really resent the mumsnet attitude that I’m a fanny lodger or a drain on society. I’ve contributed a lot to my local community, and to the school community.

I really don’t see anything wrong in wishing for a partner who would respect the work of child rearing in the early years and want to support you in providing that.

You have a child with SN, your situation is not relevant to the majority of the population. Also mumsnet doesn't think that SAHM's are fanny lodgers - in fact there are lots of snide comments about the 'emotional damage' childcare has on young children, 'I didn't have them to have someone else raise them' etc etc.

There is a lot of concern for women for are SAHM and not married.

@Bluntness100 exactly.
Discrimination against women, the mummy track etc all exist but it doesn't mean that the majority of women's careers end as soon as they give birth. For example - a woman earns 30K, upon going back to work she is promoted less quickly. But how does that automatically equate to her 'giving up work'?
Many, many women who can afford to make it work, but choose to stay home or go 'part-time'.
We have statistics showing that women earn less than men, surveys etc showing that women drop out due to the cost of childcare.
But we don't have any evidence showing that the majority of women who stay home (SN excepted ) are forced to. That they haven't explored every other avenue and concluded that having one parent at home is the only choice.

Many have strong feelings about wanting to raise their own children and that's fine, but own it. Don't pretend that it was a heroic sacrifice.

In many other countries women staying home doesn't even cross anybody's mind..

I totally get u. Your kids are little and u want to be with them. I gave up work to stay at home to look after them. At times it has been hard but I have loved not working, we have had to make sacrifices but totally worth it being able to be around for tge kids and not have the juggle of work and childcare. Mine are both at school now. I'm doing a course at home and hope to get some part time work soon but I still love being at home doing housework, pottering around the house I will miss it. Can u go part time? Or get some evening work?

@Nataliefrances123

I totally get u. Your kids are little and u want to be with them. I gave up work to stay at home to look after them. At times it has been hard but I have loved not working, we have had to make sacrifices but totally worth it being able to be around for tge kids and not have the juggle of work and childcare. Mine are both at school now. I'm doing a course at home and hope to get some part time work soon but I still love being at home doing housework, pottering around the house I will miss it. Can u go part time? Or get some evening work?

Case in point.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable in the slightest and I know how you feel. Right now I’m a SAHM and I hate not contributing to the family but even more so I hate not having my OWN money that I earned.

Does your husband worry that he doesn't keep the house clean enough.
Does your husband worry that he is not spending enough time with the kids.
Does your husband consider that he might give up work to keep the house cleaner.

I just caught up on all your replies. I’ve been at work etc. today. I was having a really bad day when I wrote this and feeling sad. I’m not feeling so negative now. Going to work was actually good, I cleared my head a bit. Maybe I was silly. Like I said, I would never say any of this stuff out loud to anyone actually in my life! I’m here because I was thinking it and I didn’t have anywhere else to say it. I might have to remove myself from here later as it has made me feel quite bad reading some of the replies and that’s entirely my own fault. I started this. I take responsibility for it.

P.S. I’m not a shopaholic and we weren’t broke. I’ve worked since my babies were 6 months old. I don’t think he’s that much of an arsehole he was just a bit stressed, and we were both sleep deprived. I’m sure we’ll work it out. I just needed to vent a bit! Thank you.

Hi OP - glad you’re in a better place. It’s such a slog with a 3 and 5 year old but you will be so glad in the long run that you have a ‘proper’ job. Even by the last year of primary I saw how my DC’s friends regarded their mums who didn’t work out of the home. It’s a bit sad because these are women who have sacrificed their careers and earning power for their children, but who are then understandably reluctant to let their children become independent. Its honestly a great piece of role modelling and building for the future, although it doesn’t feel like it right now.
Not sure how your 35 hours spread across the week but 7 hours a day sounds totally manageable in the long run. Only an hour a day more than they will be at school so no long nights for the DC in after school club etc. As they start to stay up a bit later the family evenings will get longer and you’ll get a lot of time with them. This part - when they presumably need to be fed and into the bath at 6.30ish - feels like a rush but it won’t last. It’s a short phase in the grand scale of things. We have upper primary/lower secondary DC and get plenty of time in the evenings despite working long hours - because they are always awake

I imagine you are feeling the way you are because you are feeling pressured by his unreasonable attitude to go back to working full time. Rather than as a. Couple deciding what's best for you, your partner, your children, and all of you as a family, you've just decided to go back to work because your husband's a nob. And that is probably, and understandably, making you feel resentful.

My friend had similar with her DH after her kids were born.

She deliberately let the housework go to shit, including laundry which left him without shirts for work. Suggested a cleaner or cutting her hours and it worked.

She now does occasional secretarial temping (she's not there long enough to get bother a out the job) and has 2 weeks every year with a company that need extra staff in the run up to Christmas and Easter. Gives her enough money to have some of her own but still manages to be home a lot.

There is a lot of bashing against women who are either staying at home with very young children or working part time.

However, a question that hasn't been asked yet is how many men are offering to go part time or stay at home while the woman furthers her career?

And, are these women, incidentally, coming home and asking their husbands 'what they do all day?' If not, why are they all coming on here and asking other women with toddlers 'what they do all day' or suggesting they are 'sponging off their men?' Come on, you know children are hard work. You have all done maternity leave so, really, we all know better so we should be treating one another better.

Another really obvious point that has only been mentioned once on here is that, in the vast majority of cases, the men earn more than the women and so, for pragmatic reasons, it just doesn't make sense for the man to give up work or reduce his hours. Childcare keeps being cited as a joint cost but, if it costs as much as one person's salary, whether it is shared or not, what is the point?

And why do men earn more? Because sexism is alive and kicking in the 21st century workplace and, judging by the attitudes on here, it is particularly prevalent in women vs other women.

@themuttsnutts

There is a lot of bashing against women who are either staying at home with very young children or working part time.

However, a question that hasn't been asked yet is how many men are offering to go part time or stay at home while the woman furthers her career?

And, are these women, incidentally, coming home and asking their husbands 'what they do all day?' If not, why are they all coming on here and asking other women with toddlers 'what they do all day' or suggesting they are 'sponging off their men?' Come on, you know children are hard work. You have all done maternity leave so, really, we all know better so we should be treating one another better.

Another really obvious point that has only been mentioned once on here is that, in the vast majority of cases, the men earn more than the women and so, for pragmatic reasons, it just doesn't make sense for the man to give up work or reduce his hours. Childcare keeps being cited as a joint cost but, if it costs as much as one person's salary, whether it is shared or not, what is the point?

And why do men earn more? Because sexism is alive and kicking in the 21st century workplace and, judging by the attitudes on here, it is particularly prevalent in women vs other women.

This. Whenever people see SAHD they are always amazed, praise the guy for staying at home and looking after children. But if you are a woman choosing to stay at home looking after your kids, it's sponging off men. Women are damned whatever they do.

There should be a lot more support for parents honestly if we want to see more women working.