AIBU to not want to work?!

[Anonymouseperson]

I’m a mum of two (aged 3 and 5). I worked part time freelance from when my kids were 6 months old. I’ve recently started a new job (35 hours a week) because I thought I should try and get my career back on track and wanted to take the financial pressure off my husband.

I used to be very career driven. I loved my job. I was proud of it. Now, I just don’t give a monkeys. I work so much, my house is a mess and I don’t get to do as much with the kids in the week as I’d like.

This is going to sound really horrible, which is why I’m posting anonymously, but sometimes I just wish I’d married someone richer who would just look after me and the kids without question. Someone who wouldn’t expect me to work, but also if I didn’t work wouldn’t quibble over what I was spending.

Part of my reason for wanting to earn more was my husband’s attitude to money. I am not a spendthrift. I don’t shop really, or do beauty treatments or anything. I bought a £12 lamp once for the front room from wilko and he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time!” (He later apologised for that).

My point is, I work because I can’t stand him getting all stressy with me about money, not because I want to.

AIBU: Is it anti feminist to just want to raise my kids and be looked after?!

I feel guilty even writing this because it’s not who I used to be. I was Ms Ambitious - but I’m not anymore. Also I know a lot of people have it worse and I don’t want to be ungrateful. I’m sorry if it comes over that way.

Maybe I’m just a bit depressed?!

I feel the same. I'm a single parent so it's not even optional but everything is so very much harder how I work. House is always a tip washing pike is never empty. I'm tired and grumpy with the dc. It doesn't help that when dc were smaller I was significantly better off and any increase in income seems to make me worse off not better (lose money disproportionately from the already small amount of housing I get and end up with tax credit over payment that sees you even worse off the next year). I'm not depressed but the situation is certainly depressing!

Sorry meant to say when dc were small and I was at home claiming benefits

Maybe your DH would like more time at home, not working?

Sure, men are just itching to give up their careers to stay at home and look after children.

Honestly, the lack of awareness and attitudes on show on this thread just prove then it comes to misogyny and casual sexism, women appear to be the biggest enemy to other women.

OP I understand how you're feeling. I daydream about not needing to work/having the flexibility to give up on days I hate it but ultimately we rely on my wage as a household too. Would you feel like this if your husbands attitude was different? Him acting out and criticising you for a small spend is completely different to wanting to be a 'kept woman' to a wealthy man. I have friends who work full time, part time, self employed and SAHM/housewife (if no kids, sorry I don't know the PC term!). The only ones who are unhappy are those in bad relationships. The rest are just bumbling through happy as we can be given the uncertainty of life at the moment.

Your husband doesn't sound very keen on you being a stay at home mum tbh. I'm not sure you have much choice.. 💕

Sure, men are just itching to give up their careers to stay at home and look after children

I know several men-DH included-who would have loved to stop work and look after their children! They couldn’t because their households needed both wages.

@BoredZelda

Maybe your DH would like more time at home, not working?

Sure, men are just itching to give up their careers to stay at home and look after children.

Honestly, the lack of awareness and attitudes on show on this thread just prove then it comes to misogyny and casual sexism, women appear to be the biggest enemy to other women.

I did ask my dh once if he would want to stay at home and me go out to work. He looked at me as if I had two heads, then we both laughed and laughed. Not only because I'm not able to earn 1/10th of what he earns - he also very much enjoys the trappings of his salary - but because there's no fucking way he would want to stay at home with ds all day or now do school runs, keep house, sort out pets, voluntary school related roles, AND deal with all the general family life admin. Nothing would get done, the house would be a shithole, and both child and cats would turn feral.

YANBU OP. Being a SAHM is great - if it's what you both want and doesn't put you as a family under financial strain AND that your dh still sees you as equal and recognises that not all contributions to family life that have enormous value are financial. Plus, we're both very much in agreement that we don't want to put ds into wrap around child care when we don't need me to earn money.

Comparisons about how "stressful" working full-time is for both men and women only work if actually both parents are doing 50% at home and sharing the mental load.

It is far more stressful to work full-time if your day begins by getting two small children dressed and fed, wrangling them on the nursery run and then hurrying so as not to be late for work. And then repeating the same process at the end of the day for pick-up. And then tidy, do the laundry, do the organising and make sure everyone has everything they need for the next day. Being able to walk of the house and leave all that stuff to someone else (which is a privilege a lot of men have but few women) just cannot be compared in terms of stress levels.

I know several men-DH included-who would have loved to stop work and look after their children! They couldn’t because their households needed both wages.

I know several more who would hate it. There, I’ve trumped your anecdata.

The ridiculously low uptake in shared parental leave, even asking men to take more than a fortnight off is a fairly good indicator that no, men are not itching to be at home with their children.

@BoredZelda

I know several men-DH included-who would have loved to stop work and look after their children! They couldn’t because their households needed both wages.

I know several more who would hate it. There, I’ve trumped your anecdata.

The ridiculously low uptake in shared parental leave, even asking men to take more than a fortnight off is a fairly good indicator that no, men are not itching to be at home with their children.

Or they are often the higher wage earner and can’t afford it.

It’s not about you trumping my anecdata. You seemed to be suggesting men wouldn’t want to. I think that’s wrong. I’m not saying all men want to, but some certainly would have liked to.

Working full time while raising young kids is brutal OP (I’m also doing it). I am absolutely guilty of daydreaming about a life where I don’t have to work. I don’t think I would actually want it in reality - I look at the handful of people I know who do it and I’m actually not envious of most of them at all.

It isn’t ok for your DH to shout and swear at you though, it sounds as though you might have benefitted from marrying someone nicer rather than richer.

Dear me.
It's more his attitude to money that's the issue.
I love my job and there's no way I would rely on a man.

Ok so I have what you want. But I'm not sure you'd want it.

I have a workaholic husband who drops everything at the drop of a hat when a job comes in (he is self employed). Kid's birthday? Tough. Weekends too. He works from home 75% of the time, but mentally his working hours are 24/7.

Mon - Fri I get up, do breakfasts, bags, get kids dressed, teeth etc. One is three and the other has severe special needs so it's full on. DH has never ever done this. I don't know why. DH will occasionally walk DD to childminder but I usually incorporate it into the school run.

I get back from the school run at around 9.30 and make myself a cup of tea. It's still warm when school call me to collect DS because he 'doesn't seem himself'.

I go to collect DS. He spends the rest of the day repeatedly asking me for snacks, and by repeatedly I mean over 200 times.

Because I am at home I am expected to provide a good quality lunch for DH, of the sort you would get in a cafe. A cheese sandwich is not acceptable. So I boil some fresh pasta and make a quick tomato sauce. We eat that. Some days I don't feel like making lunch, and that is met with great disappointment.

My next job is the school run. Only nursery today so I do that. When I get home DS has undressed himself, so I dress him again.

I spend the next three hours running between rooms trying to supervise both children, as they both v much need supervising. I make them dinner. DH doesn't like eating early, so we have ours later. So I cook three meals a day. Fun.

Baths, pyjamas, teeth, story, bed. I do it all.

Then I come downstairs and make dinner. Again.

I fucking hate my life but I have no choice. Am trapped as I have no family nearby and no childcare options for DS.

This thread is so fucking depressing.

Women working full time only works when the man is doing his share in the child management/cleaning and all the other shit jobs.

But in the overwhelmingly majority they don't. Its still left for the mum to come home and continue doing all the jobs she would have done if she wasn't working.

So to the cries of 'I bet the DH would like to give up work too' well yeah I bet he would but he is most likely to be sat on his arse rather than cleaning toilets, taking the bins out, wading though bedding and washing/school runs.

OP if you are still on this thread, if you are working and still doing all the child care/house care just leave him.

Because I am at home I am expected to provide a good quality lunch for DH, of the sort you would get in a cafe. A cheese sandwich is not acceptable. So I boil some fresh pasta and make a quick tomato sauce. We eat that. Some days I don't feel like making lunch, and that is met with great disappointment.
This is very much a your specific DH problem and not a universal SAHM vs WOHM issue. He sounds like a cockend who’d get much less than a cheese sandwich from me, disappointed or not.

he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time
Although this behaviour is unacceptable especially in front of neighbours, I would think that the 'all the time' might imply that the light was not a one off.

@vivainsomnia

he went ballistic on the front step in front of all the neighbours when he saw the shopping bag, saying I should “make some f-ing money before you go spunking it away all the time Although this behaviour is unacceptable especially in front of neighbours, I would think that the 'all the time' might imply that the light was not a one off.

I think there’s a number of posters determined to decide he’s totally at fault.

Without a fuller pict of spending and finances I wouldn’t want to judge on the basis of one outburst as presented by the op. Lots are happy to though

@BillMasen, it's possible to have a reasonable point and behave in a totally unreasonable manner in making it.

[quote PleasantBirthday]@BillMasen, it's possible to have a reasonable point and behave in a totally unreasonable manner in making it.[/quote]
Agree, and snapping isn’t great

I have more sympathy if it’s the result of lots of repeated spending issues compared to a one off though. Women who eventually shout at spendthrift men aren’t called abusive on here though

I am not a spendthrift. I don’t shop really, or do beauty treatments or anything.

I see no reason to disbelieve the OP. She said the above and then described just one discretionary spend, on something for the house not even for herself, resulting in an outburst. Not a series of extravagances leading to an outburst.

YANBU to fantasise about a different life. Lots of people would prefer not to work if they had the choice.

But YABU to think a stay-at-home lifestyle is achievable with your current circumstances and partner. If your DH is kicking off about a £12 lamp I'm guessing he's feeling a certain amount of financial stress. So you have to work. But I think you may need to consider changing jobs to one where you can work part-time, or negotiate a more flexible option with your current employer.

Incidentally I know someone who has achieved your fantasy. Her husband has a very high income job (7 figures). When they met she had a professional job in the same field but gave it up to stay home and raise their DC. I envy her in some ways (beautiful house, expensive holidays, never has to worry about money), but not in others. So much of her identity is locked up in her children and I really wonder what she's going to do when the youngest leaves home.

YANBU you’ve got quite a kicking here today. I’m a sahm with a dh who 100% appreciates my contribution to our lives. He certainly doesn’t want to stay home, and happily reaps the benefits of having his life facilitated. We have a ds with sn, so while staying home wasn’t my plan, we’re both thankful that when it came to it, we could do this for him.

Is he keeping me or am I keeping him? Maybe not directly financially, but he has never had to leave early to get to a creche, pick up a sick child from school, rush to a shop before closing. Pre-covid he could agree to fly across Europe to a meeting, or work late to get a tender out, knowing that his responsibilities as the co-creator of his own offspring were taken care of. And that translates into increased earnings. He has a great work life balance because he doesn’t have to help squeeze the running of the home and life admin into his evenings and weekends.

To maintain this lifestyle, if I went to work I’d need to be paying for childcare to manage therapy appointments and afterschool activities, a cleaner, a meal service or a housekeeper of some kind. Our standard of living would drop if I were doing paid work.

He wasn’t always making enough for this to be comfortable (and we’re only comfortable not rich. There’s no lunches and designer handbags here)- we had years in the beginning on a shoestring, not quite scraping by. I think marrying a rich man is a nice daydream, but finding a partner who sees and respects what you do is the key thing. And that works both ways. There have been nights I’ve put the dc to bed, and then pitched in on his business. I taught myself graphic design in order to have a skill he can call on.

The only person who would benefit from me working right now is me- for pension, future earning capabilities and personal satisfaction. We’ve done our best to take care of the first two. This isn’t the life I aspired to. But I work bloody hard, and I really resent the mumsnet attitude that I’m a fanny lodger or a drain on society. I’ve contributed a lot to my local community, and to the school community.

I really don’t see anything wrong in wishing for a partner who would respect the work of child rearing in the early years and want to support you in providing that.

I am so surprised at many of the comments here. The op brings up "once' when her DP lost it on her spending. She makes no mention of how much they earn. Or if there was a reason for his outburst...they could well have been in huge debts when she bought a lamp.

Imagine if a man came out and said he doesn't want to work. Oh wait there have been many treads and the man is always slated.

The reality of the 21st century is 99% of couples, both need to work.

@hotmeatymilk

Because I am at home I am expected to provide a good quality lunch for DH, of the sort you would get in a cafe. A cheese sandwich is not acceptable. So I boil some fresh pasta and make a quick tomato sauce. We eat that. Some days I don't feel like making lunch, and that is met with great disappointment. This is very much a your specific DH problem and not a universal SAHM vs WOHM issue. He sounds like a cockend who’d get much less than a cheese sandwich from me, disappointed or not.

Seconded. To invoke the great Bernard Black, he can expect away. And he can be as disappointed as he likes; you don't have to do anything about it. If my DP behaved like that (he never would, because he's not a cunt) he'd get his cheese sandwich served up his arse.