AIBU to think it’s rather sensible for young women to consider earning potential/ wealth when choosing a life partner?

[OompaLumpaLabrador]

My mum always said that it doesn’t matter how wealthy or otherwise a man is, as long as you love each other. Which I guess is easy to say when, as a young nurse, you fell for a very decent and lovable surgeon ( my dad).

But I’m 43 now, and the life choices friends have made are all coming out in the wash. And the reality appears that those of us who opted to spend our lives with men and women with money have by far the better deal. There’s more freedom around healthcare, education, location, travel and work ( give up, part time, full time). The unpleasant and time consuming household chores are outsourced. There seems less stress in the partnerships because there are no money worries. The partnerships just seem easier. And if it doesn’t work out, a decent divorce settlement means women aren’t left high and dry.

Of course, love comes first. And maybe I’m getting cynical in my old age. But I’m not sure I’ll be giving my daughters quite the sake advice as my mum gave me. AIBU?

Future prospects are just that prospects.

Lots can happen to change them. Illness/accident for example.

And it goes the opposite way - someone who is thought to have no "prospects" changes focus/takes classes etc and all of a sudden has higher earning prospects.

Sharing similar values is more important than worrying about financial prospects. We are all in charge of our own financial prospects.

Can we imagine the uproar if the message was that men should choose their partner with care re financial prospects?

Yes OP, but by extension high earning men should not be settling for women with poor earning potential or they end up with a long term stay at home mother because childcare absorbs all her wages. Ideally men and women should partner up with their intellectual equal, be on an equal footing with regard to earning potential, and be aligned in the goals and aspirations including as to lifestyle.

If I had a son who was an architecture student and he fell in love with a f/t Tesco cashier I'd be making my views known - why should he either shoulder the burden or have to adjust his lifestyle to accommodate that she can't afford to do XYZ?

And I would say exactly the same to my daughter if she was an engineer and fell in love with a barman.

Of course love and fate often have other ideas.

I agree @Dexy007

Sharing similar values is more important than worrying about financial prospects. We are all in charge of our own financial prospects.

They are not mutually exclusive ambitions though, it is possible to find your soul mate who is also on an equal footing financially. As for being in charge of your financial prospects, it's a nice idea but while some low earners will excel off the back of their own endeavours this country has a shit record of social mobility so it's unlikely that the minimum wage 26 year old non graduate is suddenly going to move onto a vastly higher income anytime soon after a bit of extra training. Easier to just date fellow red brick uni professionals with established careers on decent money.

Ideally men and women should partner up with their intellectual equal, be on an equal footing with regard to earning potential, and be aligned in the goals and aspirations including as to lifestyle.

If I had a son who was an architecture student and he fell in love with a f/t Tesco cashier I'd be making my views known - why should he either shoulder the burden or have to adjust his lifestyle to accommodate that she can't afford to do XYZ?

I think being compatible is more important than being identical or perfectly equal. I don't know if architecture is really all that demanding, but if your son wanted to pursue something that was - law or medicine, for example - it would be just as well for him to have a SAH wife. He'll be able to afford it, and he can have children (if he wants them) without having to sacrifice his career to do 50% of the work involved.

I've worked hard to earn a fairly high income myself, and I'm very grateful to have a husband who's my intellectual equal, but is completely unambitious and happy to be financially supported while we move every few years for my career. If he got a job, it would be comparable to working at Tesco. That doesn't mean he's stupid. It means he's uninterested in and temperamentally unsuited for higher education and a professional career.

There's no way this would have worked if he'd been similarly interested in pursuing a career of his own. Most of my colleagues have SAH or much lower-earning spouses in much less demanding jobs. Unsurprisingly, most of my colleagues are men. But there's nothing stopping women from doing this other than this snobbish belief that they're somehow degrading themselves by doing exactly what successful men do: marrying a less ambitious spouse.

All things being equal, marrying someone with money sounds great. But rarely does life work like that. Besides circumstances can change, people can get ill. Marry for love then work together to improve your financial security.

I'd advise my dd foremost to choose a partner who is kind and respectful of her, and makes her feel special.

I must be living in another world. The "earning potential" of either my partner or myself wouldn't be given a thought when choosing a life partner.

Exactly @caringcarer - far more important in my view.

I think the me you want at 20 and then again at 40 are very different. Can be hard to see twenty years down the line

I think the men, that should be

YANBU - and I think there's a huge difference between being a gold digger and considering whether between you and a partner, you can afford to bring up a family (assuming that's what you want to do). Of course a woman now could be a in a big bucks career and it doesn't matter what their partner does as well, but it is something I would suggest both my kids (DS and DD) consider when looking for a life partner. Not necessarily do they have money, but do they have a plan, goals, some 'drive' to get somewhere and to consider how you feel about them in that respect if you want things to get serious.

Not RTFT.

Probably loads of people pointed out.

That the most important thing is to consider your OWN career, security etc.

If you can look after yourself then you can be with whoever you like. I mean assuming THEY aren't in love with your money rather than you....

Teach your daughters to have their OWN career and not to depend on any man. They should also make sure they have their own money. To be honest from what I have seen, the important thing is that yourself and your husband/partner need to have the same attitudes towards budgeting/money. Many a marriage founders because one person spends and the other doesnt, or tries to reign in their partners spending. Find out each others long term goals in life and plans for retirement. That may sound silly but believe me, retirement comes quicker than you think. Even I was young once.

See this is odd to me. Choosing g a partners on wealth so you can choose to not work or work part time.
What if your wealthy partner wants to work part time or be a sahp?

Would you be happy if your dd is getting married and her husband to be says one of the things that attracted him was that her earnings mean, he would be able to give up work?

I think attitudes to money need to be the same. But that's it.

Dp earns significantly less than me. Which is why we aren't marrying. We aren't going to have kids, so there's no need to share money to a point its legally binding. We are both sensible with money, both ambitious.

My job has afforded me to have assets. My job has afforded him to have assets he wouldn't otherwise have. So yes, my earnings have positively impacted dp. But if I ever got wind that my earnings were a large part of the reason he was with me, he would be put of the door.

The way you write that women's earning potential is for her. And men's earnings potential is also for women. To give women choices and to improve their lives.

There's no doubt women have it harder in the world of work, but that doesn't mean individual men have to redress the balance, by ensuring their provide options to their wives.

And honestly, if you try and divorce a rich man it's not all plain sailing where you automatically walk away with a fortune, very easily. You may get a great settlement, eventually with a large amount in legal fees, a few years down the line. Obviously, it could be fine. But often it's not an easy road itself.

Untill the relationship ends then what ? No longer afford the lifestyle

Young women should consider how they will support them selfs

I was taught to study hard,get a degree and a degree job and aim for someone similar as likely to share same morals etc. Thought I knew best,dated a fella in my mid 20s,he said he seen ad advert for my job and felt he would never make the same amount - he actually seen ad advert for 3 grades higher than mine...and he finished it...met someone new together nearly 10 years,same level of education and roughly earn the same- life is definitely easier this way

Many women choose their partner when they're both very young and it won't be clear how much he is going to earn one day. So I think it's more important to look for an ambition and work ethic that match your own. You need to be on the same page financially.
A woman will be unhappy married to a workaholic she hardly ever sees if she isn't career-driven herself. And a woman won't respect a man who isn't interested in money if she herself thinks its one of the most important things in life.

@araiwa

Gold-digger is the phrase you're looking for

Gold digger only looks for money, OP said love is also needed.

You can find both, even though it's hard. Thats why I was looking for someone until I was 33. Because I wanted both.

Money in this instance means a man with a career, who can provide for his wife should she need to take longer maternity leave etc.

A woman will be unhappy married to a workaholic she hardly ever sees if she isn't career-driven herself.

I'm not saying two career-driven workaholics can never be happy together, but the more likely outcome is a series of affairs and an eventual divorce because that's what happens when a couple basically never sees each other. If not that, then they'll end up splitting because they both prioritise their careers. Sooner or later, one will want to move for a career opportunity and the other will refuse to quit their job to move with them. If they each make enough money to be comfortable independently, the other partner's income won't overcome all the downsides of the other partner's job in their minds, because they're not really benefiting from it.

And the reality appears that those of us who opted to spend our lives with men and women with money have by far the better deal.

Did none of you ensure your had a decent income yourself or do you all rely solely on what your partners earn?

And the reality appears that those of us who opted to spend our lives with men and women with money have by far the better deal

So the advice to everyone is marry someone richer than you? How does that work?

@KatharinaRosalie

AIBU to think it’s rather sensible for young women to consider earning potential

You should have stopped there. Yes, consider earning potential when choosing your own career, and don't rely on someone else's money.

We all rely on someone else’s money, really.

I’m with you OP. I’ve seen the same dynamic play out in my social circle.

But in most cases, men and women chose partners from the same economic circumstances so your daughter can primarily focus on her earning potential anyway.

Eg your parents situation of the nurse marrying the surgeon is not as common as two doctors marrying each other. The boss doesn’t really marry the secretary anymore …

@AICM

And the reality appears that those of us who opted to spend our lives with men and women with money have by far the better deal

So the advice to everyone is marry someone richer than you? How does that work?

I've aleady said I want an equal partner not necessarily richer. Even earning less just roughly equal.

I'm not supporting anyone's broke ass and I don't expect anyone to support me. I earn good money in a profession and my friends who have gone out with men with unstable jobs and no money it has ended badly.

Most partnerships need both of you working to afford a house. Gone are the days when a woman automatically became a sahm they are expected to keep working now. So fair enough to expect some kind of stability in the man also.

Or you could teach your children from the very offset of secondary school that their own earning potential is important so they never feel trapped because of a partners wage. Supporting yourself financially is important.