AIBU to think it’s rather sensible for young women to consider earning potential/ wealth when choosing a life partner?

[OompaLumpaLabrador]

My mum always said that it doesn’t matter how wealthy or otherwise a man is, as long as you love each other. Which I guess is easy to say when, as a young nurse, you fell for a very decent and lovable surgeon ( my dad).

But I’m 43 now, and the life choices friends have made are all coming out in the wash. And the reality appears that those of us who opted to spend our lives with men and women with money have by far the better deal. There’s more freedom around healthcare, education, location, travel and work ( give up, part time, full time). The unpleasant and time consuming household chores are outsourced. There seems less stress in the partnerships because there are no money worries. The partnerships just seem easier. And if it doesn’t work out, a decent divorce settlement means women aren’t left high and dry.

Of course, love comes first. And maybe I’m getting cynical in my old age. But I’m not sure I’ll be giving my daughters quite the sake advice as my mum gave me. AIBU?

Eg your parents situation of the nurse marrying the surgeon is not as common as two doctors marrying each other. The boss doesn’t really marry the secretary anymore …

That's funny because I know a consultant married to a nurse. Both in their 30s 🤷🏼‍♀️

It seems romance and love are out of date in the UK - money appears to be more important than anything else. Thank goodness I live elsewhere.

YANBU OP athough as others have pointed out, earning your own money is a better choice. I hope it's becoming increasingy rare for a woman and children to be trapped in abuse because they can't afford to leave. It's not though, is it? As thousands of MN posters attest regularly. So better advice to a daughter is possibly to not surrender financial independence and ensure her own future is secure. Don't put that in someone else's hands.

It’s more nuanced than being a gold digger. I worked hard to be a professional that earns a decent salary. I married a man who was basically the same. I wouldn’t have married someone lazy / unambitious because i would have made life more difficult for myself unnecessarily.

I think the exception proves the rule but agree solicitors tend to marry other solicitors not secretaries and doctors marry doctors. Oh and the super rich marry each other so think being a gold digger would be tough these days!

Erm... it never bothered me because I made sure I was earning my own damn money. Teach your daughters to seek their own wealth not mooch off their partner. Yikes.

I would say you should marry your equal. I did. We live within our means. There have been redundancies, ill health and other issues over the years. Money is fluid. One minute you might have it, the next something goes wrong and you don't.

@MsTSwift

It’s more nuanced than being a gold digger. I worked hard to be a professional that earns a decent salary. I married a man who was basically the same. I wouldn’t have married someone lazy / unambitious because i would have made life more difficult for myself unnecessarily.

Exactly

You put it better than I. Mentioned earlier up thread that 2 of my friends were professionals and involved with the most unambitious low earning men. One for 7 years and the other for 9 years. They didn't even marry my friends but that is a whole other thread. They were in and out of work barely lasting a few months in a job at some point.

It made their lives more difficult as in this day and age one salary, even a professional one, often isn't enough.

Friend A is stuck in a one bed flat as her boyfriend is no good on a mortgage application as previous employment has included playing poker. She can't buy anything bigger on her salary.

Friend B was a long term renter and every time he got chucked from another job she had to foot the bill for everything.

They have made their lives difficult for no reason as their are plenty of decent men out there.

Don't have to be rich just a good work ethic and broadly equal.

*there are plenty. Stupid autocorrect

@gofg

It seems romance and love are out of date in the UK - money appears to be more important than anything else. Thank goodness I live elsewhere.

Thank goodness for the UK too.

Marry for lurve and see how it sustains you when your child needs shoes if you've married a bum of a guy.

Eg your parents situation of the nurse marrying the surgeon is not as common as two doctors marrying each other. The boss doesn’t really marry the secretary anymore

Hands down one of the stupidest remarks I have read on MN

I have two dd's (5 and 7 weeks) I hope to empower them to make good choices, work hard and educate themselves so that they earn their own money, never have to stay in a bad situation due to money issues and can stand on their own two feet. I would also want them to have their eyes wide open when choosing a partner and be aware that the bank of mum and dad will not be available to them once they are settled with their own families (harsh but true).

My dh earnt a lot less than me when we got married, he then got promoted after we married to the same wages as me and then has had two further promotions in the time we have been married. I went part time and earn significantly less. I didn't hold it over him when I outearnt him and neither does he. We are a team and live within our means. The issue arises when you don't or you are both low income ( no matter how hard you try it is difficult then ).

I looked for a man with the same outlook in life as me, same priorities re family and working hard, a man I thought would make a good dad and husband and wanted the same quality of life as me. He is a great support to me in my own career and life in general.

YANBU. I'm not sure why some posters assumed you meant that considering a partner's earning potential meant ignoring your own. Also, thinking about practicalities wrt future shared financial situation isn't symonymous with rejecting any partner who isn't in line to be wealthy.

There are a lot of potential partners in the world. Being more circumspect in your choice regarding a very wide range of their attrubutes and personal circumstances can only be a good thing imo. A quick scan of the Relationships board on any week makes that very clear.

@abeanbaked

Eg your parents situation of the nurse marrying the surgeon is not as common as two doctors marrying each other. The boss doesn’t really marry the secretary anymore

Hands down one of the stupidest remarks I have read on MN

How so?

It’s becoming a real trend like or not:

www.nytimes.com/2015/12/27/upshot/marriages-of-power-couples-reinforce-income-inequality.amp.html

equityindicators.org/blog/2015/09/30/post-1/

@Pythonista

Teaching them to be self sufficient financially is actually better. What if they don't meet a rich man/woman?

It's not a matter of finding a "rich" partner. It's more a matter of avoiding the ones who have no motivation, no work/business ethic, etc, i.e. the lazy or entitled ones.

I know what you're saying @OompaLumpaLabrador

I'd always say, marry for love. It must be a long life if you live with someone you don't love. I have friends who do that. Or their partner cheated on them etc. But they stay as there's money and a nice lifestyle to be had and they figure if they don't have it someone else will. Its all very well saying earn your own money but often with childcare or elderly parents life doesn't go smoothly and you need to rely on someone else.

@Labyrinth86

Erm... it never bothered me because I made sure I was earning my own damn money. Teach your daughters to seek their own wealth not mooch off their partner. Yikes.

Yes, but also teach them not to get too involved with wasters as their partners, even if they are in love!

@frazzlesmore

Have rich parents is far better then a rich partner when it comes to buying a property in an expensive area.

Why?

Not all rich parents will share.

I think there is something sensible about considering outlook and ambition. When. I first got with my husband I was on a grad scheme and he was progressing from junior into middle management. At that point we were fairly equal but both ambitious. His career has taken off massively and mine is solid.

I have a friend who married a complete dosser a decade older than her. She works full time, does everything around the house, does all the childcare and it is really hard to see what he actually adds to her life. He’s never held down a full time job and no doubt she’ll end up caring for him in old age. She loves him but she also resents him. Her life would be much easier now if she hadn’t married him.

I completely agree. Especially in a world where everything seems to be getting more and more expensive. I come from a family where all the females were housewifes. I have followed that same path. I don't want that for my daughter as I don't have any money of my own.
I'm lucky that my husband has climbed the career ladder and earns well. If this wasn't the case we'd both be on min wage jobs like we were at the beginning. There has been many times when I haven't been able to sleep worrying about money.
Money makes the world go around I'm afraid

Hopefully my dc won't have my path which was fraught with family problems.
My dc will be good solid earners in their own right. I don't think people normally fall in love or choose life partners based on money?
On the flip side people are also unhappy and getting divorced at 40 /50..

It seems romance and love are out of date in the UK - money appears to be more important than anything else. Thank goodness I live elsewhere.

Very few people here are discounting romance and love, they are just factoring in other (in this case financial) attributes in to the mix as well. It's hardly a radical concept that two higher earning professionals who become a couple are probably going to have a better quality of life then a low income couple or a relationship where there is just one higher earner. When I was single I did not need to meet another person for financial security, I had my own career, home, car, could afford nice food, entertainment and holidays etc and I wanted to maintain that quality of life not subsidise someone else indefinitely.

OP - in a sense I don’t think you are wrong. But there is so much MORE than earning potential to be considered.

A better term would be financial responsibility and outlook. Eg someone in a low paying job, hard working may be a great saver, look for good deals, handy with DIY (saving a fortune if any work needs to be done on house), great with kids. That would be just as good as earning potential. They need to have similar expectations (eg spending habits, attitudes to extended family, feelings about children). And they need to show kindness and care to my child and others (as I would expect my child to show to them).

Financial responsibility and outlook should be a necessary condition; but not sufficient on its own. High earning would not be a necessary.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

YANBU.

I used to be all idealistic and I wish I had wised up sooner. It's not about marrying a millionaire, but a solid job, work ethic, salary and financial life plan are excellent attributes in a potential mate.

This

I work in a profession and earn well. DH earns very well. I earned twice his salary when we first met. He now earns much more than I do. We contribute pretty equally to parenting and household involvement. I’ve been able to establish my private practice because we could afford to take a financial risk, so in that sense his earnings have helped my career.

So if you'd taken your own advice you'd potentially miss out on your DH as you earned double he did? As you can see people's careers develop and change.

Honestly think you should worry less about your daughters' sex lives, help them be the best they can be and trust them to do the rest, they will only resent you otherwise. Imagine if they married for security and were bitterly unhappy, you'd be an easy person to blame!