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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH giving FIL money

144 replies

Sashadublin · 19/10/2021 16:23

By way of background I think it's necessary to say that my in-laws would not be generous people; they do not send Christmas cards to anyone to save money on stamps, they never go out and have no social life, before our children or any of their grand children were born they said that they would never help with childcare and have never helped in anyway financially with anything ( absolutely fine, that's their prerogative). I would find them quite unusual and emotionally cold people.

Recently my FIL has decided that he would like to restore a remote cottage in the countryside where he grew up. The property is completely dilapidated and is near no amenities whatsoever. Again fine, if that's what he wishes to do. However he has asked all four of his children to provide money to do up this property, currently £5,000/each. They have all agreed.

It has been suggested by him that the cottage could be used as a holiday type home. This is pretty unrealistic as it's in the middle of nowhere and not in a part of the country we would ever wish to visit.

I'm the primary bread-earner in my family and my DH struggles to pay his share of nursery fees/mortgage etc. I can't believe that he is expected, and willing to fork out at least 5k to his DF for what frankly seems like some bizarre vanity project. He will also have to be away for a few days to clear out the cottage.

I think deep down he resents this from his FIL and is a little sad/embarrassed about it, but is very devoted to his parents and all his siblings have agreed to it so he doesn't want to be he only one not.

So AIBU in resenting this money going to this project when there are repairs, bills etc that need to be paid on our own house? or should I just lump it and not say anything? I think what I resent the most is that the stingiest man I have met (FIL) is happy to ask his children with young families of their own to give him money for this project. Apologies if this sounds a bit ranty.

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 19/10/2021 16:27

This is where you need to put down strong boundaries and say no. Your DH has no right to agree to this without having a proper discussion with you. Say no.

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 19/10/2021 16:29

What is your DH getting in return? If the answer is nothing then I don't understand why he would lend(?) the money and think you should be upset.

forrestgreen · 19/10/2021 16:30

I'd say you need to restructure your money where you both have your own savings each month together with family savings for the future. If your dh wants to use his own money... instead of buying himself lunches, Xbox etc

HollowTalk · 19/10/2021 16:31

The property is completely dilapidated and is near no amenities whatsoever.

£20,000 isn't going to touch the sides of this, OP. He'll be wanting more money soon.

HappyBirthdayMrPresident · 19/10/2021 16:31

Where does he expect the money to come from if you are the main earner and he struggles with money?

urbanbuddha · 19/10/2021 16:33

But presumably your DH would inherit when the cottage will have increased in value? So an investment reallly. He needs to have a frank talk with his father.

ChubbyK · 19/10/2021 16:33

Put your foot down and say no.

HollowTalk · 19/10/2021 16:33

Not if his father ends up going into a nursing home, @urbanbuddha. Or if he leaves everything to a cat sanctuary.

Chronicallymothering · 19/10/2021 16:34

Was this discussed with you within your family unit before agreeing (you and your OH?) If not then that would be a deal breaker for me. It’s family money and you should have been consulted. The rest about the stinginess of the PIL is a distraction.

Eyesofdisarray · 19/10/2021 16:37

That would be a no thanks if it was me

Aquamarine1029 · 19/10/2021 16:38

Has your husband gone mad? Is he having a laugh? FGS, put your foot down and tell him absolutely not. Given your financial situation, this money will have to come from your earnings, correct? No fucking way, I wouldn't care what he's agreed to. I would also make sure your husband doesn't have access to your money because I don't think I would trust him not to take it.

Original poster
Sashadublin · 19/10/2021 16:38

I should be clear that it is his money that would be going towards this, not my money. So that's why I feel I can't really say what he wants to do with his money?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/10/2021 16:40

@Sashadublin

I should be clear that it is his money that would be going towards this, not my money. So that's why I feel I can't really say what he wants to do with his money?
Your husband has an extra 5k laying around to give to his father, yet he struggles to pay basic bills? Really? Which is it?
PermanentTemporary · 19/10/2021 16:41

I tried to give my dad money, as I had always done, and it was my husband saying 'look, no, I get why you do this but it's family money and I don't agree because of x y and z' that helped liberate me from the emotional treadmill of throwing money at an insoluble problem.

Don't be angry with DH. Sit down and say you're not willing to have your shared resources spent on this idea and that he really does not have to do this. Let him tell his father that you won't him spend the money, if you can.

Lockdownbear · 19/10/2021 16:41

DH needs to say No, I'm another who thinks £20k won't look at it, not to mention I doubt FIL will ever be able to sell it on to get money back.

Original poster
Sashadublin · 19/10/2021 16:42

@aquamarine1029 I think he is hoping to pay the money over a few months, not as a lump sum. He's been surprisingly difficult to talk to about this- we've had so many rows in the past about his family so this has become a really sore point that we both avoid.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/10/2021 16:45

[quote Sashadublin]@aquamarine1029 I think he is hoping to pay the money over a few months, not as a lump sum. He's been surprisingly difficult to talk to about this- we've had so many rows in the past about his family so this has become a really sore point that we both avoid.[/quote]
Which means he doesn't have the money and he won't have the money. He's going to be looking to you to fund this.

Mamamia7962 · 19/10/2021 16:46

Do your in law's own their own property and have bought this with cash? They should have thought about how much it would cost to do up before buying it. Do they think of it as more of a family project where everyone benefits it it's a holiday cottage?

mountbattenbergcake · 19/10/2021 16:47

Will you have £5000 to spend on something you want i.e. not for the family?

TrashyPanda · 19/10/2021 16:49

He needs to put his own family first. And to tell FIL he can’t afford to give him £5k, because he doesn’t have that sort of money. Which is something FIL can’t argue with.

It’s disrespectful to you and unfair to your DC to even consider it.

Original poster
Sashadublin · 19/10/2021 16:49

@Mamamia7962 yes they own their own property, they also owned 2 other houses that they had paid the mortgage on and rented, but they no longer own them. i would have thought they'd have plenty of their own money, but yes i think they see this as a family project and also perhaps a way of getting all their children together to spend time with them etc.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 19/10/2021 16:50

Whether he knows it or not (and i suspect he knows full well), FIL is pulling a classic scam on his DC. Suck them in to commit a "small" amount, which will vanish very quickly, then ask for more and more relying heavily on DC believing the sunk costs fallacy.

This is a disaster waiting to happen.

MattHancocksSexTape · 19/10/2021 16:51

So he struggles to pay his share of the bills, but can pull five grand out of his arse?

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 19/10/2021 16:52

@Sashadublin

I should be clear that it is his money that would be going towards this, not my money. So that's why I feel I can't really say what he wants to do with his money?
How can he have that much 'spare' cash if he struggles to pay his share of nursery fees/mortgage etc. ?

Somewhere in there you and your kids are being let down by your DH, even before this FIL situation.

krustykittens · 19/10/2021 16:52

He hasn't got this money, OP, and either you will be expected to stump it up, or your family is going to go without. I also agree with a PP, 20 grand is not going to get this cottage anywhere near finished, so your FIL will be back for more. Say no, now, and stick to it. Even if your relationship had been the very best, it still wouldn't give them the right to demand money from you.

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