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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH giving FIL money

144 replies

Sashadublin · 19/10/2021 16:23

By way of background I think it's necessary to say that my in-laws would not be generous people; they do not send Christmas cards to anyone to save money on stamps, they never go out and have no social life, before our children or any of their grand children were born they said that they would never help with childcare and have never helped in anyway financially with anything ( absolutely fine, that's their prerogative). I would find them quite unusual and emotionally cold people.

Recently my FIL has decided that he would like to restore a remote cottage in the countryside where he grew up. The property is completely dilapidated and is near no amenities whatsoever. Again fine, if that's what he wishes to do. However he has asked all four of his children to provide money to do up this property, currently £5,000/each. They have all agreed.

It has been suggested by him that the cottage could be used as a holiday type home. This is pretty unrealistic as it's in the middle of nowhere and not in a part of the country we would ever wish to visit.

I'm the primary bread-earner in my family and my DH struggles to pay his share of nursery fees/mortgage etc. I can't believe that he is expected, and willing to fork out at least 5k to his DF for what frankly seems like some bizarre vanity project. He will also have to be away for a few days to clear out the cottage.

I think deep down he resents this from his FIL and is a little sad/embarrassed about it, but is very devoted to his parents and all his siblings have agreed to it so he doesn't want to be he only one not.

So AIBU in resenting this money going to this project when there are repairs, bills etc that need to be paid on our own house? or should I just lump it and not say anything? I think what I resent the most is that the stingiest man I have met (FIL) is happy to ask his children with young families of their own to give him money for this project. Apologies if this sounds a bit ranty.

OP posts:
WanderleyWagon · 19/10/2021 18:44

Having come from a family where generations back four children all owned a holiday-type property together and were supposed to maintain it - run, don't walk. I hate to say it, but I think it's a disaster waiting to happen.

Paq · 19/10/2021 18:46

Honestly, I would divorce over this.

Seemssounfair · 19/10/2021 18:50

@Sashadublin

I should be clear that it is his money that would be going towards this, not my money. So that's why I feel I can't really say what he wants to do with his money?
His family not sending Christmas cards, or anything else you don't like about them is all irrelevant.

All that matters is what you have agreed financially between you. If you haven't gone for all money is family money and big spends are agreed between you and have split finances instead then it is totally up to him what he spends his on as long as he can afford his own family commitments such as nursery/mortgage.

It is possible he has been coerced into it by feeling too embarrassed to say no, but at the end of the day he, as a financially independent adult, gets to make that decision.

So talk to him and make a plan/budget about what you want done in your own home and how/when you can both afford it. He is completely within his rights to decide to spend his money on the cottage rather than repairs in your own home, because that is what you both agreed when you decided you both wanted to be financially independent.

forrestgreen · 19/10/2021 18:53

What would savings be spent on normally, holidays etc. So come July will he be able to come up with his half if he gives that much to fil?

CharityDingle · 19/10/2021 18:59

It's only the beginning, I would say. 20k won't go very far in work on a completely dilapidated property.

5k is a big demand, imo.

EspressoDoubleShot · 19/10/2021 19:01

@Sashadublin

I should be clear that it is his money that would be going towards this, not my money. So that's why I feel I can't really say what he wants to do with his money?
In that case it’s not for you to veto the choice It may well be a ill judged poor choice but it’s up to dp what he does with his own money
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 19/10/2021 19:03

You don't have joint money so I'd be saying look, your money your choice but you need to know that I won't be covering your share of our bills so you need to ensure you still pay your way.

Original poster
Sashadublin · 19/10/2021 19:04

Yes i have no idea why all 4 siblings have agreed to this. He is a rather controlling, influential man and they all seem under his spell/do anything he asks. To balanced he does seem to have been a very good father to them, if not a bit domineering, but this is just ridiculous, I would be mortified to ask my children to fund this.

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 19/10/2021 19:06

Sorry, but this is RIDICULOUS. You are married. What’s yours is his. What’s his is yours. There is no HIS money and YOUR money.

tara66 · 19/10/2021 19:08

Has a surveyor given an independent valuation of the property and calculated the cost of whatever work needs to be done? I think you're all entitled to surveyor's report first otherwise it is just back of the envelop dreaming isn't it? Furthermore you should ask to be given a % share of the property too. Then you can say your children really need the money for dental work, music lessons, coaching etc - just put off parting with the money. Give DH and FIL plenty to think about without necessarily saying ''no''.

EspressoDoubleShot · 19/10/2021 19:09

@masterbeth it’s clearly beyond your comprehension that couples don’t share finances
Plenty couples maintain separate finances without drama

HollowTalk · 19/10/2021 19:16

It's not a family project if the family don't own it.

They are giving him money but it's obviously he'll need more than that. Are his siblings really happy to do this?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 19/10/2021 19:16

@MasterBeth

Sorry, but this is RIDICULOUS. You are married. What’s yours is his. What’s his is yours. There is no HIS money and YOUR money.
It's not ridiculous.

It's up to each couple to decide what works for them.

Fwiw me and my husband are as you describe. I recently received an inheritance and my husband used it. I tell you that to illustrate just how 'one pot' we are 😁 when I say we don't see money as mine or his I really mean it! but you are wrong imo to criticise people who have decided that isn't the way they want to handle their finances. One size does not fit all and everyone has to do what works best for them.

AdriannaP · 19/10/2021 19:18

I could have written this about a relative. She gave her DF money to restore an old farm house and the sole earner of her household was her DH. Guess what? The project never stopped! Constantly more money was needed to restore this or the other, buy goats, renovate the roof etc Say no now!

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 19/10/2021 19:23

This is a deeply manipulative shitty thing to do because you can guarantee this nasty old man will disinherit any child who doesn't play along. How do the other families feel about it? I think you need everyone to say no, its too much for him to be taking on.

Lightswitch123 · 19/10/2021 19:27

This sounds nuts. He's struggling for nursery bills yet happy to give 5k away to a vanity project? Just say no. His siblings will understand

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/10/2021 19:35

So when your DC want to go on a school trip, or when you all want a much needed family holiday or if they need orthodontics (ours cost over £2k wasn't available on NHS) or you have redundancies at work or are sick/ill...an accident... car going Bong and needs replacing... I could go on... you will have nothing to fall back on.

The cottage needs work.. perhaps Your DH could offer some time/labour (within limits) rather than money. If that's not accepted or the offer is greeted with the Wrath of Khan, then you know what to do.

BoredZelda · 19/10/2021 19:37

I should be clear that it is his money that would be going towards this, not my money. So that's why I feel I can't really say what he wants to do with his money?

It isn’t though, is it. If he has even less to put in to the family pot and he is already struggling to pay his way within the family, it will be you who picks up the slack.

saleorbouy · 19/10/2021 19:42

Having do up several properties I can safely say, as others have that £20k is notgoing to do up a dilapidated cottage.
I do all work except electrics & final skim plaster. If they plan to get tradesman in then the budget will be way more.
Are there plans for the cottage once completed, who is paying council tax, insurance and general up keep?

RobertsRadio · 19/10/2021 19:45

Another one who doesn't understand how your husband struggles to pay his share of the mortgage and nursery costs etc and yet has a spare £5k to hand over to his father. I would not be happy with this especially as you say you have jobs that need doing on your own property. Essentially this should be a joint decision and the answer to FIL should be a firm No. Your DH needs to man up and stand up to his domineering father and also put the needs of his own family before the frivolous wishes of his father.

JaneDoe21 · 19/10/2021 19:58

So your husband struggles to pay his fair share of the bills but has 5 grand sat away to give to his DF? Confused This doesn't make sense.

FangsForTheMemory · 19/10/2021 20:08

What will happen is he'll find the money for this project and the two of you won't have enough to pay for childcare etc. Then the shit will hit the fan.

MasterBeth · 19/10/2021 20:25

[quote EspressoDoubleShot]@masterbeth it’s clearly beyond your comprehension that couples don’t share finances
Plenty couples maintain separate finances without drama[/quote]
Not “couples” - a husband and wife. Absolutely ridiculous to think that a husband won’t pay “his” share of childcare, let alone the five grand.

EspressoDoubleShot · 19/10/2021 20:28

I know plenty married couples who have separate finances it’s not unusual
He is out of order to not regularly contribute but have a discrete stack of saving
However I don’t think it’s problematic to be married or cohabitating and have separate finance

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 19/10/2021 20:30

If it’s your DH money than I’d stay out of it. Have the siblings all discussed it? Are they all happy with the arrangement? Maybe if they all said no…