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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH giving FIL money

144 replies

Sashadublin · 19/10/2021 16:23

By way of background I think it's necessary to say that my in-laws would not be generous people; they do not send Christmas cards to anyone to save money on stamps, they never go out and have no social life, before our children or any of their grand children were born they said that they would never help with childcare and have never helped in anyway financially with anything ( absolutely fine, that's their prerogative). I would find them quite unusual and emotionally cold people.

Recently my FIL has decided that he would like to restore a remote cottage in the countryside where he grew up. The property is completely dilapidated and is near no amenities whatsoever. Again fine, if that's what he wishes to do. However he has asked all four of his children to provide money to do up this property, currently £5,000/each. They have all agreed.

It has been suggested by him that the cottage could be used as a holiday type home. This is pretty unrealistic as it's in the middle of nowhere and not in a part of the country we would ever wish to visit.

I'm the primary bread-earner in my family and my DH struggles to pay his share of nursery fees/mortgage etc. I can't believe that he is expected, and willing to fork out at least 5k to his DF for what frankly seems like some bizarre vanity project. He will also have to be away for a few days to clear out the cottage.

I think deep down he resents this from his FIL and is a little sad/embarrassed about it, but is very devoted to his parents and all his siblings have agreed to it so he doesn't want to be he only one not.

So AIBU in resenting this money going to this project when there are repairs, bills etc that need to be paid on our own house? or should I just lump it and not say anything? I think what I resent the most is that the stingiest man I have met (FIL) is happy to ask his children with young families of their own to give him money for this project. Apologies if this sounds a bit ranty.

OP posts:
MasterBeth · 19/10/2021 20:39

Fwiw me and my husband are as you describe. I recently received an inheritance and my husband used it. I tell you that to illustrate just how 'one pot' we are 😁 when I say we don't see money as mine or his I really mean it! but you are wrong imo to criticise people who have decided that isn't the way they want to handle their finances. One size does not fit all and everyone has to do what works best for them.

Well, this seems to be working great for the OP.

Lightswitch123 · 19/10/2021 20:47

It is in theory perfectly reasonable for her husband to choose to spend 'his' money on this if that's how their finances are agreed.

However OP says her husband is struggling to meet his agreed family financial obligations .

IMHO this is a completely different situation and her husband simply can't afford it and therefore should refuse.

It's not like the FIL is asking for 5k to fund lifesaving surgery!

ChateauMargaux · 19/10/2021 21:50

I wondered if you were my SIL? and if this was in Ireland... your username suggests that it is Ireland . . We are only 3 siblings so it's not the same family. I could share our story but I guess you know it already . family control, generously creating something the whole family can benefit from but the reality is that no one else wants it and we will be made to feel guilty if we reject it. God forbid that someone would spend their own money on a holiday they actually wanted... does your FIL's vanity project have roof, plumbing and electricity? Ours didn't... and then he shot down my suggestion because it might have damp... I would have laughed I lost my sense of humour on this a long long time ago. There is more.... but I would sound unhinged if I went on..

LalalalalalaLand123 · 19/10/2021 22:17

Absolutely 1 million per cent NO. This would really fuck me off OP. I hope you and DH can work this out, as he is crazy.

Feedingthebirds1 · 19/10/2021 22:29

The £5,000 is just the softener to draw the siblings in. If he asked straight out for how much he actually wants them to pay they'd all say no. He's hoping to pitch it at a level where it'll be a pinch but they'll all feel they have to say yes, then it'll be another £5,000, then...

DH should absolutely say no. And if he does, he may find it prompts the others, or some of them, to do the same.

And you also need to point out to DH that although you and he might technically see it as his money, it's not actually if you end up having to make up the shortfall for your DCs and him.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 20/10/2021 09:39

Also, there's a big difference between adult children clubbing together to help ageing parents in need, and this - a vanity project!

I think your DH needs to tell his dad that he can't afford to help, although l can see he will not find it easy.

This project really does sound like a disaster waiting to happen- for everyone but FIL, who's not short of money!

wavingwhilstdrowning · 20/10/2021 12:29

This is madness. My father did this to DBs, drew them into a sunken loss for their money and time. They are £60K in the hole now and F has remarried a very young woman. It is horrendous, absolutely horrendous. Please strong steer your husband away from this.

buckeejit · 20/10/2021 13:15

This is awful. I'd draft something along the lines of ' we have no real interest in this project but fully support you in your interests to restore it. We have limited time, energy & finances & very little spare for something that really won't be a benefit to our family, so think it's best to decline your kind invitation of us being involved. It sounds like potentially a great project & we wish you all the best with it'

Feedingthebirds1 · 20/10/2021 13:17

@buckeejit

This is awful. I'd draft something along the lines of ' we have no real interest in this project but fully support you in your interests to restore it. We have limited time, energy & finances & very little spare for something that really won't be a benefit to our family, so think it's best to decline your kind invitation of us being involved. It sounds like potentially a great project & we wish you all the best with it'
I'd just say 'No' Grin
CSJobseeker · 20/10/2021 13:19

@buckeejit

This is awful. I'd draft something along the lines of ' we have no real interest in this project but fully support you in your interests to restore it. We have limited time, energy & finances & very little spare for something that really won't be a benefit to our family, so think it's best to decline your kind invitation of us being involved. It sounds like potentially a great project & we wish you all the best with it'
Yes, 'No' is a lot shorter!

This isn't a stakeholder they're trying to keep on board, it's family. Clear boundaries are needed.

YesIDoLoveCrisps · 20/10/2021 14:16

He’s not doing it as an investment to help your DH and your family or else he would have done that before as he could afford it.
He’s not doing it to spend time with your DH and his other children or else he would have already done that too.
It would be a no from me but your DH needs to grow a pair and tell his dad no.
Could he speak to his siblings maybe and see if they have been guilted into it as well?

DFOD · 20/10/2021 16:02

Sounds like your FIL has some personality disorder traits - totally controlling, anti social and rigid thinking …. Often these PD traits escalate with age and a self perpetuating environment (no social checks and balances, behaviours indulged by loyal (scared) enabling relatives) … this project is exactly as you say vanity / ego and controlling - I would see it as evidence of a deterioration in his MH in old age as it’s impulsive, reckless and poorly planned and thought through.

Don’t get involved in this hate-brained scheme.

Don’t be concerned putting your foot down v firmly in the face of blind compliance with someone potentially unstable.

DFOD · 20/10/2021 16:03

Hare- brained!!!

Comtesse · 20/10/2021 16:10

Hell no. It’s not good that it’s hard for you and your husband to talk about this.

Hont1986 · 20/10/2021 16:43

"I'm the primary bread-earner in my family and my DW struggles to pay her share of nursery fees/mortgage etc."

Imagine that being the OP and everyone completely ignoring/accepting like they have in this thread.

blubberyboo · 20/10/2021 17:08

I’d be wanting my name on the deeds first as a 5% or 10% share

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 20/10/2021 20:25

Could he speak to his siblings maybe and see if they have been guilted into it as well?

Understand that you're trying to be helpful YesIlovecrisps but it's immaterial whether they agree with their dad or not, as it's not DH's money he'd be spending , it's OPs and would leave their family short. There'd be potential for the siblings to add to pressure on DH , when regardless the bottom line is it's a "No thanks, we won't be giving you £5k for this "

buckeejit · 20/10/2021 22:15

Haha, yes no is a lot shorter! I think I'm always wary of making my thoughts plain so they can't be misinterpreted 'she was selfish, stingy, not a tek player' etc, but I definitely over share!

Let us know how you get on OP & good luck!

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 21/10/2021 06:38

I often find "No thanks" is a reply that covers most things I don't want to do. It's politer than "No" but doesn't encourage bargaining / whining response that a longer explanation.

It works because it makes it sound like you're saying no to them offering you something (although really CF is trying to take something), so immediately shuts down any future strategy by CF that ultimately they're doing you a favour to ask this of you.

Try it, it really works

"Give me £5k to do up this dilapidated cottage I bought?"
No thanks

Can you pick up my random child from the airport and stay with him 4+ hours?
No thanks

Can you give me a lift to and from work each day (even though I live the other side of town to you & have no intention of paying petrol or being ready on time)?
No thanks

Can you take my child to and from school each day (although there's two of us who could do it but his Dad has a bone in his leg)?
No thanks

I'm short this month (and owe you quite a bit of money I never pay back) can I have another £50?
No thanks

Ultimately your DH's answer will be "No thanks . We don't have it / nor can afford it"

Reply No thanks to any follow up texts that wheedle or whine . Like a broken record.

I'd warm DO that if he gave his Dad £5k that we couldn't afford for this unnecessary vanity project, the moment ge couldn't afford his share of essential bills for our DC and us, his bag would be packed and he would find himself free to live with his DDad against in the dilapidated cottage. "Put him first above feeding and housing your own children , you'll reap the consequence of that. Don't think I'm joking as I won't live with a man who'd do that"

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