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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH giving FIL money

144 replies

Sashadublin · 19/10/2021 16:23

By way of background I think it's necessary to say that my in-laws would not be generous people; they do not send Christmas cards to anyone to save money on stamps, they never go out and have no social life, before our children or any of their grand children were born they said that they would never help with childcare and have never helped in anyway financially with anything ( absolutely fine, that's their prerogative). I would find them quite unusual and emotionally cold people.

Recently my FIL has decided that he would like to restore a remote cottage in the countryside where he grew up. The property is completely dilapidated and is near no amenities whatsoever. Again fine, if that's what he wishes to do. However he has asked all four of his children to provide money to do up this property, currently £5,000/each. They have all agreed.

It has been suggested by him that the cottage could be used as a holiday type home. This is pretty unrealistic as it's in the middle of nowhere and not in a part of the country we would ever wish to visit.

I'm the primary bread-earner in my family and my DH struggles to pay his share of nursery fees/mortgage etc. I can't believe that he is expected, and willing to fork out at least 5k to his DF for what frankly seems like some bizarre vanity project. He will also have to be away for a few days to clear out the cottage.

I think deep down he resents this from his FIL and is a little sad/embarrassed about it, but is very devoted to his parents and all his siblings have agreed to it so he doesn't want to be he only one not.

So AIBU in resenting this money going to this project when there are repairs, bills etc that need to be paid on our own house? or should I just lump it and not say anything? I think what I resent the most is that the stingiest man I have met (FIL) is happy to ask his children with young families of their own to give him money for this project. Apologies if this sounds a bit ranty.

OP posts:
skodadoda · 19/10/2021 18:01

@Lotusmonster

I think your DH has to tell his dad the situation as it is. “Sorry Dad, I don’t have the earnings myself to pay £5k and my wife prefers not to invest her money, thank you” FIL has clearly had no qualms about saying no to others in the past.
Also, his siblings should be demanding a detailed plan for this project with proper costings. Bet FIL won’t be able to provide this.
Penistoe · 19/10/2021 18:01

Contract not requirement

evilharpy · 19/10/2021 18:02

I have never, ever known any adults over the age of 21 play on video games ffs! Not ones with actual jobs & responsibilities anyway

You can't possibly know that many adults over 21 with jobs and responsibilities then. Because it's a very, very common hobby, and is not synchronous with being irresponsible or unemployed. Hmm

evilharpy · 19/10/2021 18:04

OP, apologies if you've already said, I can't find it if so. But is FIL intending to do the actual work himself? Because £20k really won't go far if that's including labour as well as materials.

Merryoldgoat · 19/10/2021 18:05

@Simonjt

I’m desperate to start Zelda - I just don’t have the time at the moment as it’s Year End but hopefully just before Christmas when I have some time off 🤩

Merryoldgoat · 19/10/2021 18:06

Giving a quick wave to the other feckless gamers on here 👋🏾

bluebeck · 19/10/2021 18:06

Your husband has an extra 5k laying around to give to his father, yet he struggles to pay basic bills? Really? Which is it?

Yeah I don't understand this, lump sum or not.

I would be saying if he forks out this money he can go and live in the house with FIL.

evilharpy · 19/10/2021 18:07

[quote Merryoldgoat]@Simonjt

I’m desperate to start Zelda - I just don’t have the time at the moment as it’s Year End but hopefully just before Christmas when I have some time off 🤩[/quote]
Which Zelda - Skyward Sword?

skodadoda · 19/10/2021 18:09

OP, yes it was their prerogative not to help but if they were willing to provide some child care you would not be spending so much on nursery fees.

Phobiaphobic · 19/10/2021 18:10

@Sashadublin

I should be clear that it is his money that would be going towards this, not my money. So that's why I feel I can't really say what he wants to do with his money?
If you're married for any length of time, it's both of your money. There's no such thing as 'mine' or 'his' in the divorce courts - the assets are shared out equally.
Merryoldgoat · 19/10/2021 18:10

@evilharpy

Breath of the Wild on Switch. I’ve had it for ages but I know it needs masses of time at the start which I don’t have right now.

evilharpy · 19/10/2021 18:12

@Merryoldgoat ooh fab, that's next on my list! Husband has played it and yes it is a long one which is also why I've put it off. One for the Christmas holidays I think.

Sorry to derail the thread, carry on.

chaosrabbitland · 19/10/2021 18:13

im not surprised your resentful of this ,i would be as well, it may very well be his money and not yours going towards this grandiose project ,but if hes struggling to pay his whack as it is ,then its going to leave him struggling more and the burden of that will fall on you ,
also if you have stuff needing doing to your own home its ridiculous to be giving money towards a knackered old house he doesnt even own .
his dad sounds well cheeky if thats even the right word for it , piss taking would be more adpt
id have to be saying something about this if i was in your shoes even if it did lead to a row , your husband is getting absolutely nothing out of this project , nor are his siblings .

Lockdownbear · 19/10/2021 18:13

I don't quite get want gaming has to do with the £5k but why is it acceptable to faff on MN but not acceptable to game on an xbox.Hmm

Tal45 · 19/10/2021 18:14

If he can hardly pay nursery fees he obviously doesn't have this lying around. I think you are going to end up paying this by stealth OP. Your DH will use all his money to give to his dad so he will have none to pay his share of the bills and you will end up paying all the bills - thus you will be paying the 5 grand.

It sounds like there must be a very odd and dysfunctional dynamic in this family for the dad to think he can jsut ask all his kids for £5000 to do up a random cottage whilst doing nothing for them himself. Has he spoken to all his siblings about this? Or is his dad just telling them all that all the other siblings are coughing up to manipulate them? How many people have a spare 5k lying around??

BurntO · 19/10/2021 18:15

He struggles to pay his bills but have 5k to give away?

I think he is daft

VerveClique · 19/10/2021 18:18

We have a potential similar situation with FIL.

In that case the only thing that would satisfy me would be seeing in writing:

Where the money is going
Who is making decisions about exactly how the money is spent
Who will own what prior to the work being completed
Who will own the property once the work is completed
What will happen if more funds are needed for the initial work
How maintenance will be managed in future
How use of the property will be managed in future including who uses it when, any costs, whether friends are allowed to come etc.
What FILs intentions are re ownership of the property upon his death should he still own it at that stage

Even then my answer still may very well be no.

So might as well just take the short cut and say no.

"Sorry dad, we don't have the money for this at the moment. Good luck with it though. Yes we understand we may not have the benefit of it once finished (haha as if) but we accept that and hope it works out well for you all."

chaosrabbitland · 19/10/2021 18:20

@Merryoldgoat

Giving a quick wave to the other feckless gamers on here 👋🏾
waving back , this single parent to a 13 year old and working 49 year old loves playing overlook bay very much lol
ejhhhhh · 19/10/2021 18:23

@pumpkinsandTea I'm not into computer games myself, but my DH is. He's in his mid 40's with a well paid full time job, two kids that he spends time with daily, and he does he fair share of household chores. He still finds time to play computer games, go to the gym, and watch football as they're all his hobbies. I find time around my job, childcare and household tasks to potter in the garden, go to the gym, and read, as they're my hobbies. Aren't grown adults allowed to have hobbies? What hobbies are acceptable for fully functioning, productive, grown adults, if computer games are off the cards?

Auroreforet · 19/10/2021 18:24

Write all the income and expenditure down and ask him how he hopes to cover this.
Make it clear you will not take up his slack.
If necessary he gets another job.

VerveClique · 19/10/2021 18:33

No! Really, just say no.

You're not going to win with this. It will be an emotional, financial, administrative and time-consuming black hole.

If you and DH were both perfectly chilled about this, had the £5k and more to comfortably throw at it, knew for sure that the family would be in perfect harmonious agreement whatever happens, and had plenty of time to sort out disputes, give practical help, discuss progress with family members then it would be a yes.

Otherwise its a no.

It's a bloody ridiculous idea.

Your FIL can fund it himself, fund it with whichever siblings fall into the above; or buy himself a caravan.

You have a DH problem. Do not touch this ridiculous project.

IntermittentParps · 19/10/2021 18:36

I should be clear that it is his money that would be going towards this, not my money. So that's why I feel I can't really say what he wants to do with his money?
I'm a bit Hmm that there's 'your' and 'his' money.
If him using 'his' money for this means you as a family go short, then you have a say.
Also, this house will be a money pit.

MadeItOut21 · 19/10/2021 18:37

Absolutely no way. I don't understand why your DH is even entertaining this. It's throwing 5k down the toilet. There will be more demands , the house will then be sold to pay for care or he'll leave to his cats or something stupid like that. Cold, mean people don't turn nice just because they are old now. The whole thing is bizarre.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/10/2021 18:41

Although I know it works well for many couples, especially where they have similar incomes and similar spending/saving philosophies this is one of the problems with separate finances. Money is seen as 'yours or mine' with no need to consult about large expenses. What can you do if you disagree with the other on spending? The universal answer will be "It's my money".

That £5000 flying out the window may not mean anything right now, but what if the car goes tits up and must be replaced, there's a major leak in the roof, the boiler dies? Is he going to still be able to meet 'his share' of a major expense if that £5K is gone?

You have to tackle this with him in plain terms and pull no punches. It sounds to me as if he doesn't have the nest egg for emergencies to be giving away a large sum like that and he needs to know that you will NOT be subsidizing him.

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 19/10/2021 18:42

Apart from the affordability issue just the sheer hypocrisy would have meant this was a hard no from me.
Even if DH could throw £5k in the gutter and not notice it'd still be a no.

Cheeky fuckers !