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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH giving FIL money

144 replies

Sashadublin · 19/10/2021 16:23

By way of background I think it's necessary to say that my in-laws would not be generous people; they do not send Christmas cards to anyone to save money on stamps, they never go out and have no social life, before our children or any of their grand children were born they said that they would never help with childcare and have never helped in anyway financially with anything ( absolutely fine, that's their prerogative). I would find them quite unusual and emotionally cold people.

Recently my FIL has decided that he would like to restore a remote cottage in the countryside where he grew up. The property is completely dilapidated and is near no amenities whatsoever. Again fine, if that's what he wishes to do. However he has asked all four of his children to provide money to do up this property, currently £5,000/each. They have all agreed.

It has been suggested by him that the cottage could be used as a holiday type home. This is pretty unrealistic as it's in the middle of nowhere and not in a part of the country we would ever wish to visit.

I'm the primary bread-earner in my family and my DH struggles to pay his share of nursery fees/mortgage etc. I can't believe that he is expected, and willing to fork out at least 5k to his DF for what frankly seems like some bizarre vanity project. He will also have to be away for a few days to clear out the cottage.

I think deep down he resents this from his FIL and is a little sad/embarrassed about it, but is very devoted to his parents and all his siblings have agreed to it so he doesn't want to be he only one not.

So AIBU in resenting this money going to this project when there are repairs, bills etc that need to be paid on our own house? or should I just lump it and not say anything? I think what I resent the most is that the stingiest man I have met (FIL) is happy to ask his children with young families of their own to give him money for this project. Apologies if this sounds a bit ranty.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 19/10/2021 16:52

OP lock down all your money so your H cannot touch it, and absolutely make sure your DH pays his share of family expenses. If he wants to go without his own money that’s up to him but I would not be subsidising him in this vanity project.

Your H has to have it negatively impact his own life otherwise he’ll happily throw family money away because you make up the shortfall.

TravelLost · 19/10/2021 16:54

@Sashadublin

I should be clear that it is his money that would be going towards this, not my money. So that's why I feel I can't really say what he wants to do with his money?
You are married. You have dcs together. Your DH spending that much money has an impact on tie family and your dcs. That’s why you have a say.
Mamamia7962 · 19/10/2021 16:54

I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband. I would not be happy with this. Ask your husband why they can't use their own money from the sale of the other two properties, or was that money all spent on the purchase of the cottage. Lots of questions to be asked I think.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 19/10/2021 16:57

I would be having stern words with my DH if he even thought about giving his parents any sum under the circumstances. ANY sum, let alone £5k!

Hard no.

GloriousGoosebumps · 19/10/2021 16:57

Do you know why the other siblings have agreed to give £5k each particularly when it's clear that you can't renovate a dilapidated cottage for £20k?

user1471538283 · 19/10/2021 16:58

£20k will not be enough for a start! I've been quoted £30k just to do a small basic square extension without services.

It wont just be his money though. Every penny he gives his DF is a penny he cannot pay towards his share of the bills.

If he wants to do this he has to earn more.

Anonymous48 · 19/10/2021 17:03

@Sashadublin

I should be clear that it is his money that would be going towards this, not my money. So that's why I feel I can't really say what he wants to do with his money?
See, this is what I don't understand. You're married, so isn't all your money and all his money family money? It would be different if you weren't struggling to pay bills, but given that you are it doesn't seem reasonable that he would feel like he has 5,000 spare that he could give to his parents. It's unfortunate if he's feeling pressured into doing so, but to be honest he needs to man up and be honest with his parents and siblings. And the two of you need to reassess how you deal with your finances.
WhereIsMumHiding3 · 19/10/2021 17:07

Your DH can't afford it, you have a young family and other commitments. Paying money for a renovation project of his dads is not a priority not even in your list. That is the answer your DH should give up FIL

If DH had plenty of money and you were very affluent, it might be different & he would be free to decide if he wanted to humour his dad here.

But DH is considering being unable to pay for essentials (mortgage and childcare) for his own family to fund non essential vanity project for his dad?!

I suspect FIL has cottage in his name, and will keep asking for more money from his adult children who have their own families. It also sounds that he wants to commit your DH to lots of time away from his young family to be spent with dad on this"renovation project"

FIL sounds very selfish as that is not the way time nor money usually goes

Notaroadrunner · 19/10/2021 17:07

I'd tell Dh to piss off and go and live in the cottage if he chose to waste £5k on the renovations. If he struggles to pay towards the mortgage and nursery fees then he cannot afford to waste one penny on this and I'd have no problem telling him it's not going to happen.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/10/2021 17:10

So your fil owned 2 extra properties, sold them and bought this place. He needs to stump up the cash to do the property up. Ffs.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 19/10/2021 17:11

Hope to god you don’t have a joint bank account. Where is this money coming from? He can’t support his own family and he wants to spunk away 5 grand on nothing? I’d be telling them both to get lost.

Simonjt · 19/10/2021 17:11

£20k? Surely fil is also contributing a lot?

We bought a holiday home (some old stables) and it needed minor work on the roof, external doors, windows, heating, plumbing, electrics, oil tank, septic tank and all internal fixtures and decoration.

So essentially all ‘basic’ decoration really, that cost us just shy of £60k. We have a second hand bathroom suite, second hand kitchen (new worktop), second hand aga, the furniture from my husbands flat (we sold it to fund the holiday home) and any work I could do myself I did, fitting the bathroom, kitchen, painting, skirting boards, internal doors, treating wood, emptying and prepping the building for works. If we hadn’t done any of the work ourselves the additional man hours would have cost us around £10-12k, you can add that again if we’d bought a new bathroom and kitchen.

Even if he could afford £5k, it sounds like it would only providr access to a partially completed holiday home, so the investment wouldn’t actually be usable.

GoodnightGrandma · 19/10/2021 17:17

It should be no, but then he shouldn’t even have been asked.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 19/10/2021 17:18

Going by your user name- is FIL also based in Dublin/Ireland? If so, he’s picking the worst possible time to start any building work if he’s going to need any sort of skilled workman in. There’s a significant labour AND materials shortage atm. Your FIL will be paying through the nose and no, £20k won’t even touch the sides if it’s a complete refit as you say.

Lollipop444 · 19/10/2021 17:20

Hmm I’d be a bit worried that the costs will escalate massively here.

And I’d want to know what the 5k was getting me? Eg a share in the cottage or one week per year etc.

I could foresee problems and falling out unless the above is all pre arranged and everyone is in agreement.

Undisclosedlocation · 19/10/2021 17:20

The fact that he agreed without discussing it with you ( especially as it’s money he doesn’t even have) would be a deal breaker for me

Is he prone to unilateral decisions generally?

Standrewsschool · 19/10/2021 17:21

As a poster has said, how can he afford £5k out of his money when he not paying towards the family?

DFOD · 19/10/2021 17:22

Your ILs sound abominable, demanding, deluded and controlling.

I suspect that all of the issues relating to the ILs that have caused rows in your marriage to date are due to your DH’s toxic and enmeshed bond with his family of origin - due to FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) - it is a powerful pull - but now is the time that you come down v hard with v clear consequences as to where his loyalties lie right now - with his DCs and you.

The answer is a flat “No” - he needs to feel that the consequences and loyalty to you are bigger than that of his family.

He also needs some therapy to untangle the overall pattern.

Be firm, direct and as uncompromising as the FIL always is.

I suspect that your DH is only doing this to appease his DF - so he is throwing you under the bus to ease his own inability to stand up to his DF. Don’t let him do this to you all. Ton of bricks is called for.

CSJobseeker · 19/10/2021 17:22

Hell no. Any spend of that amount is something you both need to agree on, and you can't afford it because the money is needed for your own house! He needs to be honest with his family that he doesn't have a spare £5k for this project.

I also agree with pp's - how does he have £5k lying around, but can't pay his way within the family?

QueeniesCroft · 19/10/2021 17:23

This isn't a house, it's a huge pit into which massive amounts of cash will be poured. I've seen a lot of people start projects like this, but very few actually finish, and even fewer are glad they started.
Once your husband has committed to this project, it will be harder to say no to further demands. And there will be further demands. You need to take a deep breath and tackle this now. It will be hard and unpleasant but better now than later.
This isn't an investment. By the time all of the renovation work is done, I very much doubt that the value of the house will be more than the costs incurred. Also, FIL could leave it all to a cats' home and ther ewould be nothing you could do about it.

Lotusmonster · 19/10/2021 17:28

As others have suggested, £20k won’t be enough. He will need more. Say no now and decline to use it as a holiday home.

Peanutsandchilli · 19/10/2021 17:29

He struggles to pay his share of the bills and you're the main breadwinner? In that case, he's entitled to do what the heck he likes with his money. This seems to be a case of 'what's yours is mine and what's mine's, my own'.

Hummingbird427 · 19/10/2021 17:29

You are married. You have dcs together.
Your DH spending that much money has an impact on tie family and your dcs. That’s why you have a say.

This.

OP, you're going to have rows and issues about this at some point.

CHOOSE to have that row now, while it's still possible to block it.

This is mad.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/10/2021 17:32

No.... Like hell would i be prioritise his vanity project

I guess it COULD be seen as a future investment... As long as its somewhere you want to visit... And also of yout in laws dont need nursing care.

FIL can borrow the money from a bank like the rest of us....

notanothertakeaway · 19/10/2021 17:33

It might help to point out to DH that he would be taking money away from his own children for this

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