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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ring missing friends workplace to find out if she's okay?

329 replies

paribythelake · 18/10/2021 21:29

NC for this.

So a very close friend has gone missing
She did message me to ask me to unfollow one of her family members that followed me due to some family drama so I did.

She's a junior doctor so very busy and I went to whatsapp her. And her profile pic disappeared and one tick.
On social media her profiles have disappeared, and her mother's too.
Linked in everything has gone.

There is literal no trace of their online presence ever.

Now I don't know if I should drive to her house and knock on or ring her place of work and ask (tbhI don't know what I would say)

So would I be unreasonable to do this? I'm quite worried.

I'm not going to run off but be putting children to bed (way past their bedtime) so will come back shortly

OP posts:

FuckeryOmbudsman · 19/10/2021 08:06

We only have OP's word about the strength of the friendship.

The default setting is to believe. What we have here is a woman and her family members cutting contact fully and decisively with this person, who has been unable to find a way to them by mutual friends etc. And is still casting round for ways to get at them.

Eralos · 19/10/2021 08:08

I’d knock

sammylady37 · 19/10/2021 08:09

@AliceinBorderland

I would call her employer anonymously and ask to speak to her. There will be a department phone number on the hospital website.

She’s a doctor- a random anonymous person looking to talk to her will not be put directly through. At best, they’ll get the team secretary who will not give information out to a randomer.

AliceinBorderland · 19/10/2021 08:11

I'm suggesting they give out info about her randomly ffs. People don't half assume. Say you're a friend and give a name and they may offer to put you through then you know she is there

sammylady37 · 19/10/2021 08:16

@AliceinBorderland

I'm suggesting they give out info about her randomly ffs. People don't half assume. Say you're a friend and give a name and they may offer to put you through then you know she is there

So, not anonymously as you first posted then? More fraudulently or deceitfully.

clockover · 19/10/2021 08:16

@AliceinBorderland

I'm suggesting they give out info about her randomly ffs. People don't half assume. Say you're a friend and give a name and they may offer to put you through then you know she is there

It's safe to assume this won't happen. The friend has gone to all the effort of deleting social media completely and changing her phone number. I would say it's safe to assume her workplace know not to give out any details of whether she is at work or not. Putting someone through to speak to her on the phone would be a solid no.

diddl · 19/10/2021 08:20

Perhaps Op is the relative looking for ideas of how to contact?

I mean really, the friend has deleted her social media & seemingly blocked Op?

If she was a good friend wouldn't she at least give wat´rning that she would be uncontactable for a while?

Yet Op is being encouraged to go to her house, call her work.

Just leave her alone & she'll contact again if/when she wants to!

YouJustFoldItIn · 19/10/2021 08:35

You describe her as a very close friend, but if she was very close, she'd have given you a bit more info about what's going on, rather than just make vague comments about a family member making trouble for her. How often would you usually expect to have contact with her? Weekly? Monthly?

It's understandable to be concerned, but I don't think she considers you are close as you consider her. Unless there is more to this you are not saying, she'd know you'd be as worried as hell and find some way to let you know what's going on.

Is there some cultural/religious element to this? Are you concerned she may have been a victim of something like honour killing, or is at risk of a forced marriage or has in some way been shamed in her community and has gone into hiding?

I know it sounds very far fetched but it would go some way to expaining why even her phone number is no longer active. If she's in real danger then she'd not be going to work either I imagine.

But sometimes people just go through a bad time mentally and want to detach from everyone for a while, even people who thought they were very close friends.

For all we know you could be the very person she needs space from, masquerading as someone with only good intentions, and here we all are giving you ideas for ways to find her.

U2HasTheEdge · 19/10/2021 08:41

All the drama on this thread!

People who go missing don't tend to delete all their social media, change their number and get their mum to do the same. If she was missing her work place would be aware and would have done a welfare check.

For whatever reason she does not want the OP to contact her. She has not contacted OP, or warned her that she was coming off social media. She clearly wants to be left alone.

Leave her alone and wait to see if she contacts you OP. She has her mum and other people in her life, who presumably know what is going on and will make sure she is safe.

berlinbabylon · 19/10/2021 08:44

It is possible that she has wiped her social media presence.

I have an ex-work colleague who did. The first I noticed of it was that we had co-authored an article and tagged ourselves on LinkedIn. I was looking at the article and realised I no longer had a co-author and his profile had vanished. I then looked at his work website and his name is no longer listed. But he does still work there because he sent me an email a few weeks ago. Clearly he decided he did not want to be findable online - maybe a weird family member or something.

OP in this case I think I'd send or drop off a birthday card and ask her to get in touch when she feels like it. As a junior doctor she will be very busy and it may even be that she has "disappeared" because of an abusive patient, though not sure why her mother would disappear too.

bettertimesarecomingnow · 19/10/2021 08:45

That's very strange and I hope there is an explanation as to what's happened.

An ex of mine blocked me like that and deactivated all his social media. Couldn't call him etc. I was so worried but he was just being a knob.

JesterMcFester · 19/10/2021 08:48

@paribythelake call 999 and ask for them to do a welfare check - its a very simple process.

I really despise threads like this that dramatise what is a very easy situation to resolve and may involve vulnerable people.

liveforsummer · 19/10/2021 08:51

You don't call 999 for this 🙈 - it's not an immediate emergency. If you must call at this stage 101 is the appropriate number.

IntermittentParps · 19/10/2021 08:51

I think it sounds weird and not just that she's ended your friendship. In your shoes I'd be worried. I also wouldn't know what to do apart from maybe call non-emergency police for advice?

HappyDays40 · 19/10/2021 08:54

If I decided that I didn't want to contact someone I would be proper pissed if they rang my workplace. Just because they are missing off social media maybe they just need a break from everyone. With all the beat will in the world OP maybe they don't want to be friends any more?

Livelovebehappy · 19/10/2021 08:58

I removed myself from social media a couple of years ago, and would have been mortified if someone had contacted my work place. Sounds like there is some drama going on with her social media and this person she wants you to unfollow, so not really surprising that she has closed it all down. Presumably she has family so I’m sure they would be aware if she went totally of the radar.

JesterMcFester · 19/10/2021 08:58

@liveforsummer actually concerns about suicide and missing people are 999 calls - I've been through it a lot, and been advised always to use 999 and not 101 if there's any potential risk to any life.

So yes, it is a 999 call if the OP is worried about missing people.

QuillBill · 19/10/2021 08:58

999!

‘Is the patient breathing.’

‘I don’t know but she’s not on Instagram anymore. I haven’t been round to her house to see if she’s ok or anything’

Mindymomo · 19/10/2021 08:59

Hope you contact her and all is well, must be worrying for you.

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 19/10/2021 09:00

@paribythelake

Thank you all for the messages

I am truly hoping it is the fact they've changed numbers, closed all accounts for a while.

However if I found out something bad happened then I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

I will go round tomorrow and knock. If no-body answers I'll leave a card with a message. I'll even buy a cheap phone so in case she doesn't want me to know her new number, she can text to say she's okays

I will be keeping this thread updated!

Are you saying that you're going to buy a phone for her and put it through her door to pressure her to contact you? Surely not. She's going to think you're stalking her on behalf of the cousin. Your behaviour is odder than your friend's. It's fairly common for people to delete all social media and change their contacts if they're being harassed. The usual response to that isn't to go to their house and buy them a phone

liveforsummer · 19/10/2021 09:01

[quote JesterMcFester]@liveforsummer actually concerns about suicide and missing people are 999 calls - I've been through it a lot, and been advised always to use 999 and not 101 if there's any potential risk to any life.

So yes, it is a 999 call if the OP is worried about missing people.[/quote]
OP has no idea if she's 'missing' she's just deactivated SM and switched off her phone (as has her mum which makes it less concerning)

Darceyhemingway · 19/10/2021 09:02

I would phone work and ask for her and then if they go to get her hang up- or speak to her but I've seen other posters saying they'd be pissed off. I personally wouldn't be but by hanging up you know they're there. If work say she's not in then you've got your answer. As she's having family drama id want to know in case something had happened.

liveforsummer · 19/10/2021 09:03

@Darceyhemingway

What and totally freak her out if she's being harassed by a family member?! 🙈

MintyGreenDream · 19/10/2021 09:05

@QuillBill 😁

FuckeryOmbudsman · 19/10/2021 09:05

For all we know you could be the very person she needs space from, masquerading as someone with only good intentions, and here we all are giving you ideas for ways to find her

Exactly. One tends to believe the OP, but there no way to know, is there?

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