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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ring missing friends workplace to find out if she's okay?

329 replies

paribythelake · 18/10/2021 21:29

NC for this.

So a very close friend has gone missing
She did message me to ask me to unfollow one of her family members that followed me due to some family drama so I did.

She's a junior doctor so very busy and I went to whatsapp her. And her profile pic disappeared and one tick.
On social media her profiles have disappeared, and her mother's too.
Linked in everything has gone.

There is literal no trace of their online presence ever.

Now I don't know if I should drive to her house and knock on or ring her place of work and ask (tbhI don't know what I would say)

So would I be unreasonable to do this? I'm quite worried.

I'm not going to run off but be putting children to bed (way past their bedtime) so will come back shortly Smile

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 19/10/2021 05:44

I would assume that whichever family member it was is harassing her to the point that she has had to change her phone numbers especially if her Mum has done the same. She is not missing!

If this only happened recently then she may not have got round to letting people have her new numbers. I would not contact her work. That would be very intrusive.

If your social media is set so that friends of friends can see your posts that may also be a reason she came off social media.

You seem to be liking the drama of it all - maybe that is why she hasn't given you her number yet.

HeartsAndClubs · 19/10/2021 05:53

I would do nothing. And all the drama talking about her ending her own life/getting the police to do welfare checks etc i

As she and her family have disappeared it’s fairly obvious they don’t want to be traced, and they don’t want you to know where they are. I wouldn’t assume anything sinister from the whole family having disappeared, just that they’ve made some collective choice to drop off radar.

If you’re as good a friend as you say, then she will let you know if/when she is ready. If she doesn’t, then unfortunately it may be that she doesn’t see you as good a friend as you see her. s ott.

sammylady37 · 19/10/2021 06:09

It sounds like she and her mother have made a decision to go under the radar, deactivate their social media and drop contact with people, especially people who have a link (however tenuous) to the troublesome family member.

You should respect that.

You don’t know the finer details of the falling out, what this family member is doing/threatening to do etc. I would, if in the middle of a family crisis, and having made significant efforts to be uncontactable, find the contact that is being proposed here to be intrusive, invasive and unwanted. Also, for those casually asking for welfare checks, bear in mind that they are not some panacea. Having lived with an abuser and someone who was coercively controlling, I guarantee that a welfare check would have uncovered nothing untoward to the eyes of the police but I would have borne the brunt of the abuser’s outrage and anger once they had left. Note, I’m not suggesting that the op’s friend is in an abusive scenario, just saying that welfare checks are not the magic wand some on here seem to think they are.

Aphrodite31 · 19/10/2021 06:17

It kind of hinges on how close a friend she is.

She's obviously chosen to disappear, and her mum. Deactivated all social media and phone number. You don't know the situation, but perhaps it's so bad that she was not comfortable giving her new number for now. You have been identified and followed by the family member so she's included you in the blackout.

I totally get you want to check she's ok. I think you should go round but maybe just see from a distance rather than barrelling right up to the door. All you need to know really is that she's alive 🙈 but yes maybe pop a note through.

Agree it's weird and clearly not personal to you if others have the same issue.

onelittlefrog · 19/10/2021 06:23

No, don't contact her work place.

Legally they will not be able to disclose anything to you about staff anyway.

If you are really worried she is missing then you contact the police first of all.

Billandben444 · 19/10/2021 06:30

You need to respect her actions and back off. If anything dreadful has happened then her work place would be on it - do you think they'd ignore a doctor missing a shift without checking up? Please do not put notes through her door threatening a welfare check or stalk her from a distance. You are concerned (good) but it sounds as though you don't like being out of the loop. Be patient and leave her be.

SunShinesBrightly · 19/10/2021 06:43

Yes, best idea is to go round and knock on her door.

ThirdElephant · 19/10/2021 06:44

I hope you find an answer.

SunShinesBrightly · 19/10/2021 06:45

Agree ‘LMAO’ is a strange thing to say OP.

ApolloandDaphne · 19/10/2021 06:45

I think dropping off a birthday card is a good plan.

Geamhradh · 19/10/2021 06:47

@MsLizard

It sounds like they've blocked you.

Are there no mutual friends you can ask if they've heard from them? I wouldn't go straight to their workplace.

Yep.
DGFB · 19/10/2021 06:47

I’d also go to her home and then call work after that. They won’t tell you anything but they will check on her

mothermothermother · 19/10/2021 06:52

Can you pop over? Just in case it’s anything untoward. Hope she’s safe and well.

CovidCorvid · 19/10/2021 06:55

Just try knocking on her house door.

Bluesheep8 · 19/10/2021 06:57

Op has no reason to suspect she isn't either at home or at work, she's just deleted her social media.
Police welfare check? Confused

This. She's probably deleted her social media to concentrate on issues in her real life. I'd just respect that and leave her alone.

CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark · 19/10/2021 07:03

Gold luck 🍀

MissCruellaDeVil · 19/10/2021 07:17

I would pop over as concerned.

rainraim · 19/10/2021 07:30

Op please do check she is ok!
I really don't understand why a lot of ppl are just thinking she just wiped her socials and doesn't want contact with op. There could be something more sinister, so it's best op just sees that she's okay or live in regret if something did happen.

vampirethriller · 19/10/2021 07:43

Have you not got her email address? Try that?

AliceinBorderland · 19/10/2021 07:44

The fact she wiped her socials means there was intent and she was OK to do it. Surely if some random fate had befallen her the social media would be left unchanged.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 19/10/2021 07:50

To me it sounds like she and her family are being harassed by that person she mentioned to you and have had to resort to extreme measures to shake her off, changing numbers, deleting social media etc. How stressful for them.

If they're dealing with something as upsetting as that, they may not be in the headspace to be in touch and are unlikely to be ready to tell people new numbers.

It's nice you are so caring about her. I would be worried but I'm not sure that her work could tell you much?

I hope you find out soon and that they are safe.

icedcoffees · 19/10/2021 07:50

@AliceinBorderland

The fact she wiped her socials means there was intent and she was OK to do it. Surely if some random fate had befallen her the social media would be left unchanged.
That doesn't mean she's okay now, though.

I also don't understand those scoffing about welfare checks. If OP can't contact her in any of the usual ways it's okay for her to be concerned.

It would be a bit odd if she just thought "meh, whatever" about a long term friendship!

AliceinBorderland · 19/10/2021 07:53

I would call her employer anonymously and ask to speak to her. There will be a department phone number on the hospital website.

SirensofTitan · 19/10/2021 08:02

@Stompythedinosaur

Don't ring her place of work. That would be horrific! If she is employed by the NHS and had genuinely gone missing her workplace would have reported this to the police.

If you had a real worry about her safety I'd say drive to her house, but that doesn't sound like the case here. It sounds more like you just want to know what is going on, and I'm afraid you may have to just live with not knowing.

In what way is it horrific to ring someone at work? What a weird thing to think. People ring people at work every day. Maybe I'm missing something, can you explain where you're coming from thinking that?
liveforsummer · 19/10/2021 08:05

n what way is it horrific to ring someone at work? What a weird thing to think. People ring people at work every day. Maybe I'm missing something, can you explain where you're coming from thinking that?

Horrific is maybe a bit strong but I guess if she doesn't want to be contacted then forcing that contact on her at work will make her feel uneasy there, which I'm sure OP doesn't want for her friend

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