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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be unhappy about this birthday gift from DH

174 replies

annaop · 18/10/2021 20:46

An electric toothbrush? Really?! Wrapped up nicely, as my 'main' present. I could barely conceal my disappointment. Married over two decades.

OP posts:

2lsinllama · 19/10/2021 06:49

DH would never buy me anything I hadn’t asked for - if I didn’t ask he would assume I didn’t want anything. Last year I had a Fitbit and another ‘surprise’ present that DS (13) had picked out for me. It was a pink fluffy llama toy. My husband said ‘I don’t know why he thinks you need this’ but I love it.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 19/10/2021 06:56

Mine got me an iron a few years ago. Fortunately it was a joke! (And I suspected the joke was coming, as one our irons had given up a few weeks before. We do need two irons)

Practical gifts are good if the recipient wants them. Just buying household items is a bit of a cop out if they aren't specifically asked for.

SunshineCake1 · 19/10/2021 06:59

We still talk about how at my last birthday before I became a mum dh bought me a food processor.

"It was an expensive one and you'll need it for baby food..."

To be fair I also got a chunky Kit Kat and a mini pot of Pringles..

cinnabarmoth · 19/10/2021 07:15

My previous DPs have on the whole been thoughtful gift buyers, with one (dis)honourable exception. My current partner finds it difficult, but asks me for a list, and I therefore always end up with something I want or need.

I think it is fine to buy practical gifts, if you are sure that is what the recipient wants because they said so, but I would be extremely disappointed with an electric toothbrush from my DP.

ibbydibby · 19/10/2021 07:15

This year, I sent links to DH to 2 things I specifically would like for my birthday. He told me 2 or 3 weeks prior to birthday that one thing was out of stock. Tbh I was surprised he had even looked that early.

Fast forward to my birthday - we were away on hol. Had a day out, and he bought birthday card. Out for meal in the evening (booked by me, DH paid) - but when on hol we eat out 2 or 3 times in the week anyway. Back to holiday cottage, on the way, DH said I had "no presents". Adult DS1 & DS2 were with us who gave me 2 lovely useful gifts. And truly nothing from DH. He is the kindest most generous person out there - but it hurts. I think lack of organisation / planning as much as anything. (Nb he will buy me the item when back in stock. Think in similar situation I would have given him token "thing/s")

sjxoxo · 19/10/2021 07:17

It does suggest he had zero ideas or couldn’t dedicate any time to thinking of an alternative- I agree that hurtful. BUT the toothbrush isn’t necessarily a bad present- depends on you really as some pps have said, some people would quite like one! Another thing I thought was that you are upset over this gift- I thought it seems like you are expecting some sort of gesture from him and hoped this would be shown through the birthday present.. he’s failed on that count but what gesture are you expecting from him & why? I think there’s some other resentment here that you could do with looking at. Are you feeling under appreciated.. I expect yes. Tell him what the problem is xox

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/10/2021 07:20

I dont have a DH but Im planning on buying myself a really nice hoover for Xmas. I think an electric toothbrush is a bit stingy though. Is he trying to tell you something.

Standrewsschool · 19/10/2021 07:21

I’d be disappointed with a toothbrush also. A bunch of flowers and chocolates would have been a lot better.

Suprima · 19/10/2021 07:22

I find these threads really sad- lots of posters come out of the woodwork oblivious to the fact that their husband doesn’t give a shit to treat them to something they’d like on a special day. “Be grateful!” “I get nothing and that’s fine because I’m an adult” “You are hard work”

OP the toothbrush is a shit present if you have expressed no interest in one before. Did he grab it in sainsburys with the big shop?

Threewheeler1 · 19/10/2021 07:28

For my 39th I got a stapler in a white plastic bag (the kind of thin ones you used to get from the corner shop). Half expected to see someone else's name scratched off in tippex on the bottom.
Apparently, at some point I had casually mentioned I needed one for my paperwork.
I am feeling for you now OP

2catsandhappy · 19/10/2021 07:29

Oh dear. This reminds me of the abyss between what I would like as gifts and the things my exh would hand over.
The standout was one Valentines day, I had sent red roses to his workplace, bought a giant lovey card etc etc. Oh and I gave birth that day to our dd. The next day, he handed over cut flowers from his mothers garden. That his mother had cut.
Another time it was a bag of Kapok stuffing for a cushion I was repairing.
Note the ex.

2catsandhappy · 19/10/2021 07:32

@DangerousCity YABU you know the rules! Mention a puppy, put up a picture.

Brefugee · 19/10/2021 07:37

It is always the same on these threads:

be glad you got something (bonus points of poster's DH has died)
why do adults make a fuss about birthdays
you're hard work

ad infinitum ad nauseum.

(also to pp who didn't get the entire point of "nothing with a plug unless it is something they specifically asked for/want")

Some people do celebrate birthdays and if they're in a relationship it is daft if the other person doesn't realise/acknowledge that.

It is also fine to give, because otherwise a gift will be a waste of money, lists. Very specific lists including links to precise items, if you want something particular. It is about listening to your partner and not treating them with contempt.

It took my DH a few years to understand this because, his words, he's rubbish at presents (he was, he isn't now). But his belief was that all presents should be a surprise. Until the time we had a EUR 100 budget for presents and he spent 30 of that on a set of 6 handkerchiefs. And then we had The Discussion. And now he tends to only go off list in consultation with the DCs and it is something they all KNOW i would love.

FreedomFaith · 19/10/2021 07:41

Op, just ignore a lot of the comments. There's many people on here who cannot comprehend anything outside of their own lives. Quite sad, but can't be fixed.

It's not a nice gift if you didn't ask for it, like them or wanted one. A gift is something the person would enjoy to have, so if can be anything in the end. As long as it suits that person. You wouldn't buy someone a ps5 for example who doesn't like playing games. It's called using your brain, knowing the person and THINKING about what they'd like. That whole concept is a struggle for many people.

I don't consider it a gift and I'd be pissed off if I received it as a gift. Others would like it. Both sides are fine, it's about knowing the person and what they'd like. How is that difficult for some people to comprehend? We aren't discussing physics here, it's basic common sense.

DigOlBick · 19/10/2021 07:47

Mine got me an air fryer for Christmas and I was really disappointed.

Turns out it’s literally the best present I’ve ever had and use of every day

He knows me better than I do!

Goldbar · 19/10/2021 07:47

Unless you specifically asked for an electric toothbrush, it's a shit gift. He'd be getting a cordless iron or similar from me for Christmas.

DangerousCity · 19/10/2021 07:51

@2catsandhappy ahh about to completely out myself if anyone knows me on here now haha! But he’s worth it! and he’s mental

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 19/10/2021 07:54

Yes I got one of those once, bizarrely there was no brush and it was all knobbly. Didn't half hurt my gums. I stopped using it.

ancientgran · 19/10/2021 07:56

I got a new electric grill, I wanted one with removable plates and have been dithering about buying one. I was really pleased and I love it.

fantasmasgoria1 · 19/10/2021 07:57

To me it's the lack of actually knowing what you would like. If you wanted a toothbrush then fine bug he should know you well enough to know you would not. I would tell him to return it. My Fiance knows no household appliances because they are used by both. A fancy hair styling appliance is fine but not a toothbrush. I usually get some kind of jewellery, clothing etc.

TeapotCollection · 19/10/2021 08:05

My ex only ever bought me 2 ‘presents’ in the 14 years we were together, a wheelbarrow and a yard brush. One of the many reasons he’s my ex

OP i agree with getting him a nose hair trimmer for Christmas

CaMePlaitPas · 19/10/2021 08:11

It's not my birthday but my husband came home yesterday with a blood pressure cuff he found in Lidl's middle aisle.

Eliphanbee · 19/10/2021 08:17

I requested pans for a birthday a few years ago..I would have been happy with a toothbrush (I actually got one for DP at his request last birthday)

hotmeatymilk · 19/10/2021 08:21

I wouldn’t be happy with an electric toothbrush as I have a bamboo subscription, but DP knows this. I do like a practical gift, though: we’re drowning in stuff but have needs, so if something arises near a birthday we just get it as a gift—

a wheelbarrow, A-Z for the car, good dustpan and brush, watering can, water butt, multipack of giant pants from M&S. all solid gifts imo, so long as the day also comes with burritos, cava and cake

myusernamewastakenbyme · 19/10/2021 08:24

I got saucepans last year for my birthday...i wasn't overly impressed but they are lovely quality and i've never had decent saucepans before....my ex dh bought me a steam mop one year for my birthday...i was delighted with that though as it made cleaning my floors a breeze.

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