Page 9 | Leave DS behind when we go on holiday?

Aubree17 · 18/10/2021 22:00

He's not responsible enough to pack a bag but responsible enough to stay home alone while you go on holiday?
I'd say your asking for trouble,
I'd pack his stuff for him.

WingingItSince1973 · 18/10/2021 22:01

@toolazytothinkofausername

For context he has ASD but is 'high functioning'

You can be "high functioning" and still have issues with executive functioning.

Pack his suitcase, and enjoy the holiday as a family :)

That's a great link thank you @toolazytothinkofausername

shinynewapple21 · 18/10/2021 22:01

Obviously you would be unreasonable to go away and leave your 14 year old child with additional needs home alone - and I'm sure you know that .

At this point when you are tired and irritable I would probably just pack for him - 10 mins to throw some clothes in a bag then you can get yourself a glass of something nice and a serious conversation about how he needs to take some responsibility etc can take place when you are calmer .

shinynewapple21 · 18/10/2021 22:04

Also OP I think that you are misunderstanding the legal guidance in respect to leaving a child alone . The child needs to not be put in a position of harm , and at 14 and with ASD yes you would be putting your child at risk of harm .

bendmeoverbackwards · 18/10/2021 22:04

@CocaColaTruck1

From your other thread he has Aspergers.

I honestly think you need to have more sympathy for your child.

^^ this

I also have a 14.5 year old with high functioning autism (a dd). Life can be very challenging for her and I feel so sorry for her. We went on holiday in the UK in the summer. I had to pack for her and even then it was difficult because she wanted certain clothes but couldn’t manage the job herself. I’ve learnt to use language that is clear to her and tell her in advance when things are happening. She’s much calmer when prepared.

OP re the punishments - they really don’t work. People with NT children don’t realise you have to parent autistic children a little differently. Don’t punish him for things that are beyond his control.

clockover · 18/10/2021 22:05

For context he has ASD but is 'high functioning' and is perfectly able to pack an overnight bag) .

Being capable and being able are not the same thing.

I'm in my 40s, have been on holiday many many times and I still struggle to sort my shit out. I sit on the sofa knowing I need to pack but it's almost as if I'm restrained - I literally cannot do it.

I'm absolutely stunned that as a parent of an autistic child you haven't simply helped

It's really hard enough being autistic without your own parent making it harder.

Feedingthebirds1 · 18/10/2021 22:08

The thread so far has been about packing to go away. But the OP has also said that on the last holiday, when it was time to leave, he also refused to do anything except play on his phone. Packing to go home doesn't take nearly as much in the way of executive function.

Packing to go away might be a case of can't, but packing to come home is won't. Let's assume that the OP knows what her DS is capable of doing and what he isn't. He certainly seems to be able to manage quite complex tasks when it's something he wants to do.

OP how much support do you get? A teenager with HF autism/Asperger's is going to find life difficult, but so are you. You sound burnt out. Does the brunt of caring for DS fall to you, or does DH do his share?

BigYellowHat · 18/10/2021 22:09

You’re definitely not unreasonable to threaten it. However, if you’re anything like me, you’ll still crack tomorrow. I’ve got 2 x 17 year olds and 1 x 19 year old. We never would have left them with the youngest at 14. Weekends away have only really happened since our twins got to sixth form and even then it’s sporadic (thanks Covid)

RugCarpet22 · 18/10/2021 22:32

No! I'd report you to social services for that.

freckles20 · 18/10/2021 22:36

OP please do some reading about ASD. I hope that once you've got some further information about it you will understand that ASD, (including the high functioning type), is in itself a diagnosis of a disfunction of the executive function system amongst other things.

It also often makes individuals very self critical, frustrated and I unkind to themselves- sadly this can lead to crisis situations in their overall mental health. One of the biggest protections against this type of downwards spiral is loved ones who understand the disability and provide kind, proactive and practical support.

I do appreciate how frustrating you find your DS, but your post has made me feel desperately sad for him.

I have this condition myself, and I am high functioning. This means I am fantastic at some stuff, but holiday packing is tough fir me. I genuinely am awful at it, it's hard to explain why but let me assure you it's not down to laziness or defiance. It makes me angry and frustrated with myself.

My DH is kind about it and does the lions share of the packing. It is wonderful to have his support.

freckles20 · 18/10/2021 22:38

@Feedingthebirds1

The thread so far has been about packing to go away. But the OP has also said that on the last holiday, when it was time to leave, he also refused to do anything except play on his phone. Packing to go home doesn't take nearly as much in the way of executive function.

Packing to go away might be a case of can't, but packing to come home is won't. Let's assume that the OP knows what her DS is capable of doing and what he isn't. He certainly seems to be able to manage quite complex tasks when it's something he wants to do.

OP how much support do you get? A teenager with HF autism/Asperger's is going to find life difficult, but so are you. You sound burnt out. Does the brunt of caring for DS fall to you, or does DH do his share?

Argh! Coping well with complicated tasks, but struggling with more mundane things is absolutely typical of ASD....

AutumnDaysLove · 18/10/2021 22:43

I'm 35 with ASD and I STILL struggle at this age to pack a bag or suitcase when going away. I have executive functioning issues so I understand how hard and overwhelming it can be. Luckily, my partner always helps me with things like this, and will do most of the packing.
I don't think it's that he doesn't want to pack. You've said how excited he is about going. But he is probably finding it very hard.

LizzieW1969 · 18/10/2021 22:54

Now the OP hasn’t got the response she wanted she’s spat her dummy out and isn’t going. Your son will likely have a lovely time without you given how unsupportive you sound.

No, she sounds at the end of her tether. Which I can understand, as my (adopted) DD1 (12) sounds very similar. She has SEN as well as attachment issues. She also refuses to pack when we go away on holiday and stays glued to her phone. In contrast, DD2 (9, her birth sibling) always wants to do her own packing and starts in advance,

It can be very frustrating at times, though we just pack for her and don’t press her to pack for herself. (Admittedly, she is younger than the OP’s DS.) Her procrastination on schooldays, however, can drive me up the wall! As can her constant arguing.

Possibly the OP will feel differently tomorrow morning, when everyone is ready to leave, but it might be the case that staying home is precisely what she needs right now, as she sounds burnt out more than anything else. It’s very difficult to feel the love at times like that.

I’m genuinely horrified at the comments from some of the other posters, however.

GloriaSicTransitMundi · 18/10/2021 23:14

Timetoretiretospain

Kermitsolvestheclimate:

His dad is packing for him. I'm not going on the holiday. I've had enough of all this shit. Over and out.

Your poor husband

Perhaps if that 'poor husband' did a bit more to help, OP wouldn't feel at breaking point with it all. Son is 14.5 years old, which means she's been trying to do everything for all that time, no wonder she sounds unreasonable right now faced with all this and a travel deadline in a few hours. How about some empathy for her?

@Kermitsolvestheclimate, wishing you peace and calm, and hoping DP will step in and do more and you can all enjoy the holiday eventually. Deep breath.. you'll get through this...

Timetoretiretospain · 18/10/2021 23:42

@GloriaSicTransitMundi

Timetoretiretospain

Kermitsolvestheclimate:

His dad is packing for him. I'm not going on the holiday. I've had enough of all this shit. Over and out.

Your poor husband

Perhaps if that 'poor husband' did a bit more to help, OP wouldn't feel at breaking point with it all. Son is 14.5 years old, which means she's been trying to do everything for all that time, no wonder she sounds unreasonable right now faced with all this and a travel deadline in a few hours. How about some empathy for her?

@Kermitsolvestheclimate, wishing you peace and calm, and hoping DP will step in and do more and you can all enjoy the holiday eventually. Deep breath.. you'll get through this...

We have no information on husband apart from that he is now packing the suitcase and OP has refused to go on holiday . I have a son now aged 25 with ASD . Sounds very similar . Not once did I ever even remotely think about leaving him behind .

RugCarpet22 · 19/10/2021 06:15

Wow. Didn't expect the last update of you not going. Super mature?! You're supposed to be the parent who is modeling desired behaviour..

Kb2942 · 19/10/2021 06:24

I wouldn't trust my 42 year old male partner to pack a bag, let alone a teen 😅 i would be doing it myself for sure, but I'm a control freak. I would like to know everything was packed efficiently.

I do get your frustration though. Ds is autistic too, he's 10 nearly 11 and his organisation and coordination is poop. He takes forever just to get ready for school as he's just sitting around. Takes 20 minutes of whinging before putting his coat and shoes on. He's never in a rush!

Offmyfence · 19/10/2021 07:12

@Kb2942

I wouldn't trust my 42 year old male partner to pack a bag, let alone a teen 😅 i would be doing it myself for sure, but I'm a control freak. I would like to know everything was packed efficiently.

I do get your frustration though. Ds is autistic too, he's 10 nearly 11 and his organisation and coordination is poop. He takes forever just to get ready for school as he's just sitting around. Takes 20 minutes of whinging before putting his coat and shoes on. He's never in a rush!

You cannot be serious that you check your partners bag?

rrhuth · 19/10/2021 07:16

I wouldn't trust my 42 year old male partner to pack a bag

There's nothing polite I can say about that!!!

Offmyfence · 19/10/2021 07:16

He shouldn't be left alone IMO.

However I see that it's you now not going on the holiday?

If he was on his phone whilst you were packing, the phone should've been removed.

It's all turbines into a disaster.

Offmyfence · 19/10/2021 07:16

@rrhuth

I wouldn't trust my 42 year old male partner to pack a bag

There's nothing polite I can say about that!!!

I agree! It's very very unattractive!

ElftonWednesday · 19/10/2021 07:18

DM always packed DF's bag. I decided early on in my relationship with DH that I wasn't going to get into that! DM is still surprised sometimes that DH does his own packing.

Anyway, we digress. Hope you get it sorted and have a nice holiday, OP.

wombatspoopcubes · 19/10/2021 07:26

@freckles20

One of the biggest protections against this type of downwards spiral is loved ones who understand the disability and provide kind, proactive and practical support.

Sometimes it is the non autistic people who need support and just can't give anymore. People need extra mental energy to deal with autistic behaviour and sometimes the energy is depleted. This isn't the autistics fault because they can't help it but it would do autistic people good to understand that there are times that we neurotypical people really just can't deal with it anymore.

Xmasbaby11 · 19/10/2021 07:39

I've said YABU - even if he was old enough and capable enough to stay at home, it's too short notice and overreacting to leave him behind now.

I have a 9yo with ASD and she struggles with executive function - needs a lot of prodding and support to get ready to go out, etc even when she wants to go. It is tiring and irritating but she is autistic and our parenting needs to reflect that. Obviously your DS is much older, but still needs more support than a NT 14yo. It is hard when your patience if wearing thin, I do get that. Holidays are still difficult for us and i think it is a time when it's easy to think 'I wish he could..' 'Why can't he just ..' I hope you all have a good holiday and you have chance to relax.

Sundancerintherain · 19/10/2021 07:51

The op sounds at the end of her tether, not nice that so many have piled on.