Leave DS behind when we go on holiday?

[Kermitsolvestheclimate]

We're due to go away tomorrow (in UK). DS (age 14.5) won't pack his bag or do anything to get ready to leave early in the morning despite various encouragements and warnings from us. He has just gone out for the rest of this eve (to a class he attends). He has form and caused a lot of trouble on our last holiday as he wouldn't pack to leave and we had a strict deadline to be out of the accommodation. His lack of co-operation was very stressful and I ended up clearing his room, packing his bags for him on top of everything else I was doing like clearing the kitchen, packing the car etc. he just sat there doing sweet FA. AIBU to just think sod him, we'll go without him in the morning and leave him home alone rather than have all the angst again. I refuse to accept he needs his mother to pack a bag for a few days away whilst he sits playing on his phone. I know he does want to come on the holiday and when he snaps out of his stupid mood will be upset if we leave him behind. (For context he has ASD but is 'high functioning' and is perfectly able to pack an overnight bag) .

He's a teenager, they are a pain. Pack his bag, take him on holiday (of course you cannot leave him behind, he's a child), and try to make the most of the holiday.

I honestly can't believe some of the replies in this thread. Either people have completely missed that this child has aspergers, or they are just utter dicks.

Leaving a list is not enough. You need to teach backwards. So the first time you use the list together. Then you sit and watch while he uses the list. Then he uses it, you check. Then he can perhaps do it independently.
My ds is 16 now, with the same diagnosis, and can only now reliably pack for holidays. But still forgets they have put the kettle on!
Dd has just started high school and uses lists to get ready each morning and has only now just started to remember things without it.
Our kids need support not punishment.

@Crispanddips

I hope you enjoy the time alone, it’s such a treat to have a peaceful house and your own routine. Your DS sounds awful. Can you threaten to put him in to care? That might make him pull his finger out and stop taking having a loving family for granted. I hope he doesn’t ruin more things for you and your family, life’s too short to pander to a brat

Jesus Christ, the boy has ASD! I’ve read some heartless things in here but this takes the biscuit. I thought the days of throwing people in care homes because they weren’t NT or had a disability ended 50 years ago.

Yes OP, go to bed. Have a nice rest.
The bag is being sorted, so no problem there.
Forget about the bag, and MMs!

@Thatsplentyjack

I honestly can't believe some of the replies in this thread. Either people have completely missed that this child has aspergers, or they are just utter dicks.

Just dicks I think.

@Crispanddips

I hope you enjoy the time alone, it’s such a treat to have a peaceful house and your own routine. Your DS sounds awful. Can you threaten to put him in to care? That might make him pull his finger out and stop taking having a loving family for granted. I hope he doesn’t ruin more things for you and your family, life’s too short to pander to a brat

Wtf

Jesus christ

I am horrified at what I am reading.

Now the OP hasn’t got the response she wanted she’s spat her dummy out and isn’t going. Your son will likely have a lovely time without you given how unsupportive you sound.

Hugs to you OP you sound very fed up. It will all seem better in the morning

Sorry but by backwards I mean like with tying shoes. You do the knot and bow, they watch, then you do the knot, they do the bow, then they can try both.

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

There is plenty of 'easy' to warm up food in the house by the way and we also live 5 mins walk from a shop so he wouldn't starve.

Well, you're an absolute delight, aren't you?

I love the threads where everyone agrees the OP is BU. And I don't doubt for a second that the OP is going on the holiday - she just wanted to storm out of the thread.

Don't be daft OP. Of course you're going to go. But what you are not going to do is hang around picking up after everyone else on the final morning. You're going to put your own suitcase in the car, do a quick tidy of the kitchen and then you are going to go out for a walk at least an hour before you are due to check out and get yourself a coffee whilst your husband and sons deal with it. If he ruins it for you, then you book your own holiday next year.

I agree with junebirthdaygirl You sound extremely stressed and frustrated OP. Don't say anything, just go and try and get some time to yourself so you can recharge.

She may be being BU, but it seems obvious to me she is burnt out. I am a bit surprised at the lavish praise for the husband packing his own son's bag. I bet the OP has been doing that and more for years, and has finally had a bit of a meltdown.

Just pop your address on here before you go so I can report you to the Police and Social Services, there’s a dear.

@Kermitsolvestheclimate I can hear how frustrated you are, and - having survived (just about) two NT teenagers, I feel for you. I really do. However, this is not the cross to die on.

Tonight you just go get some sleep. Please. Just get some rest, and tomorrow will be a new day. You sound like you really, really need this holiday. Please don't let this put you off of going. Don't do that, to you, your DH or your DC.

I so hope you all get there and have a lovely time. And to you.

@finallyme2018

If your son is asd, then he could be like my son who whilst excited about holidays or days out unless it is somewhere he's been before the anxiety it induces is ridiculous. The things he can do day to day suddenly can't be done it's like the anxiety clouds his mind so his jobs are step to far. Being out the house distracts him an he can mask how he's feeling. I've learnt it not personal but if I have expectations we both end up upset. So instead of packing etc. I let him plan the route plan music. Things that help him feel in control so we both start the holiday in good moods.

@finallyme2018 my 15 year old dd is the same. She wants to do things but when it comes to the day or time to leave panics and freezes. Only last month we had a long weekend away that she was so looking forward to as her best friend was coming too but a few days before I saw the clouds descending and she became aloof and awkward. Then on the day she burst into tears. She gets so overwhelmed. We are under the doctor for this and being referred. But she can seem moody and a pain but it's not on purpose. Then once on holiday she's happy but still stressed so can be a feeling of why do we bother but we wouldn't dream of leaving her at home, plus she really wants to come but it's overwhelming for her xx

Google PDA autism.
It's real and it's very difficult for people with it to "just do whatever".
Sorry OP but as a fellow Mum of an autistic DC you sound like you need to gain a bit more awareness of how it can actually affect people.

I watched a police programme only last week about a 14yr old boy who’d been left alone. Whilst his parents went away. The school had contacted them.

So the police AND social services went around and sorted it. She had to come hone from her holiday. Apparently he was ok though because the neighbour would come in to cook his meals.

So 14 is still a child in the eyes of the law. I can’t believe you’d even think of leaving him alone.

Poor child. I think you need to educate yourself about ASD

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

Those saying we would be breaking the law are wrong by the way, solicitors guidance says " The fact is that there is no legally defined age for when children can be left at home alone. The law simply says that you should not leave a child alone if they’ll be at risk so it is left at the parents discretion."

Because there is no definition. They can and do have the police phoned a few times. Plus social services. Which if you’ve already got their involvement etc.

I’m not saying this as a criticism but while the rest of your family is away and you’re having more time to think clearly would it be worth going to see a therapist to get some more coping strategies for when they get back?

It will only take 30 mins to pack. Change the wifi password stand over him and say. Right we're going for 7 days. How many pairs of pants do you need? OK go and get them...

14 is the worst honestly. He'll be so much better in a year or two.