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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DS behind when we go on holiday?

395 replies

Kermitsolvestheclimate · 18/10/2021 18:34

We're due to go away tomorrow (in UK). DS (age 14.5) won't pack his bag or do anything to get ready to leave early in the morning despite various encouragements and warnings from us. He has just gone out for the rest of this eve (to a class he attends). He has form and caused a lot of trouble on our last holiday as he wouldn't pack to leave and we had a strict deadline to be out of the accommodation. His lack of co-operation was very stressful and I ended up clearing his room, packing his bags for him on top of everything else I was doing like clearing the kitchen, packing the car etc. he just sat there doing sweet FA. AIBU to just think sod him, we'll go without him in the morning and leave him home alone rather than have all the angst again. I refuse to accept he needs his mother to pack a bag for a few days away whilst he sits playing on his phone. I know he does want to come on the holiday and when he snaps out of his stupid mood will be upset if we leave him behind. (For context he has ASD but is 'high functioning' and is perfectly able to pack an overnight bag) .

OP posts:
clockover · 19/10/2021 07:57

it would do autistic people good to understand that there are times that we neurotypical people really just can't deal with it anymore.

There is a lot wrong with what you say here, unfortunately I'm not good at articulating so I can't even start to explain, however I feel it's important to point out this is a Parent - Child relationship. WTF are you on about 'it would do autistic people good' Hmm OP is the fucking parent, it's literally their job to ensure they support their child and while you think OP 'can't deal with it anymore' I see a parent with a huge lack of understanding towards their own child who isn't doing much to fucking learn.

clockover · 19/10/2021 07:58

@Sundancerintherain

The op sounds at the end of her tether, not nice that so many have piled on.

Piled on, or said the same thing because OP is being ridiculous?

TravelLost · 19/10/2021 08:08

@underneaththeash

I don't even let DH pack any longer as I dislike spending my holiday shopping for stuff he's forgotten.

Just pack for him.

And then we wonder why so many men are useless…..
MareofBeasttown · 19/10/2021 08:10

Piled on. And now all the women who pack for their husbands because men are incapable..Hmm Mothers are humans, not automatons who have to pack and organise for the whole family.

clockover · 19/10/2021 08:14

@MareofBeasttown

Piled on. And now all the women who pack for their husbands because men are incapable..Hmm Mothers are humans, not automatons who have to pack and organise for the whole family.

Bit different when you child has a disability though.

LizzieW1969 · 19/10/2021 08:14

My DH is very good at packing, it’s possible that the OP’s DH is, too.

Anyway, as the OP was overwhelmed and burnt out last night, it was obviously the obvious thing for her DH to pack for their DH? If he had left it all to the OP, just imagine the comments from PPs!

TravelLost · 19/10/2021 08:14

@Kermitsolvestheclimate how much support do you get yourself?
Dealing with a child with SN can be hard work and any parent needs a break from time to time.

It sounds like you have reached breaking point. But I’m wondering what you could do to make things easier. Easier for yourself, easier for your ds, easier for everyone really.
In particular, has your DH ever taken all the dcs away in his own? Does he get involved? I’ve noticed you talked about doing all the cleaning, tidying up, taking of your ds clothes/stuff last time you were away but didn’t mention your DH. So it makes me wonder how much of a team you are and how supportive/involved he is.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/10/2021 08:16

My dd and her friend are a year younger. Neither can successfully pack for themselves alone for more than one night. Dd has only recently been able to do that as I’ve repeatedly taught her how.

Dd and I get her clothes together then I pack them. Her friend’s mum checked her case for their current holiday and had to repack as basic items were missing.

Just because your other kids are able to successfully do it, it doesn’t mean all kids of your ds’s age can.

TravelLost · 19/10/2021 08:19

@clockover having a disability doesn’t mean you are automatically unable to pack your stuff (or do anything else).

The OP is mentioning he is ‘high functioning’ which basically means most people would expect him to live his adult life independently. Is packing not part if living an independent life?

Now you, and I, don’t know the OP’s ds and his abilities. But the answer is certainly NOT to assume he can’t do it and mum (not dad….) should step in. He might well be able to do it. He might well need to be taught for longer than another child. But assuming someone else must do it for him because he is incapable due to autism is insulting (of him).

clockover · 19/10/2021 08:21

having a disability doesn’t mean you are automatically unable to pack your stuff (or do anything else).

It does in this situation though, which is kind of the whole point.

The OP is mentioning he is ‘high functioning’ which basically means most people would expect him to live his adult life independently. Is packing not part if living an independent life?

It absolutely does not 'basically mean....' what utter garbage.

clockover · 19/10/2021 08:21

But assuming someone else must do it for him because he is incapable due to autism is insulting (of him).

But he wasn't doing it. He wasn't managing. Of course someone should bloody help.

londonrach · 19/10/2021 08:23

Put just basics...pants socks one clean but babish type outfit as he didn't choose the clothes and take him. He shouldn't have gone out tonight. You can't leave a 14 year old at home for a week

TravelLost · 19/10/2021 08:25

I disagree.
There is no way from the OP’s post to say whether than teenager is having major issues or if he is in a teenage strop.

Many teenagers would act exactly like this because they cant be bothered.
Some teenager with SN will act like this because they can’t cope etc…

I would have hoped that the OP is actually able to make the distinction between the two in her own child. Whereas there is no way anyone can. Do that from an Internet page and 5 posts.
(Just like, you can’t diagnose autism, executive problems and so on from an Internet page btw)

MareofBeasttown · 19/10/2021 08:28

@clockover if you see my previous comments I didnt say she should not help her son. I am saying the berating of the clearly exhausted OP is not helpful..Looking after an autistic child is beyond exhausting. Meanwhile the bar is so low for men that OP's husband is getting praise for packing for his own son!
.

TravelLost · 19/10/2021 08:32

I agree @MareofBeasttown
It sounds like case of the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

I actually think that the OP staying at home and leaving her DH looking after all the dcs was a good idea. I suspect she needs that time alone rather than running around to keep all the dcs (and DH?) happy.

WTF475878237NC · 19/10/2021 08:32

What a stressful situation OP.

I agree with the poster who said about backwards teaching (ie do it for them, do it with them, watch them do it and not moving to the next step until they've nailed it). Sometimes you can try until you're blue in the face though. Backwards teaching only works if someone wants to develop the skill.

To the poster who said not packing to come home was won't not can't: travelling can be hugely stressful to someone with ASD so playing on his phone instead of packing to come home could have been his only coping strategy for shutting down the terror in his mind of what was to come. Fear and stress in the mundane can be very common.

toolazytothinkofausername · 19/10/2021 08:40

I can't understand why the OP made such a fuss in the first place. Feels like a storm in a teacup. All the OP had to do was to give her DS 2 options:

  1. You choose and pack your bag yourself by this date/time

or

  1. Once the date/time has passed, I will pack it for you but be warned I will decide what you wear.

Most people only go on holiday 1-2 times a year, so why make such a big fight over it? Holidays are meant to be enjoyable, so why not let it go?

If the argument was your DS was refusing to put dirty clothes in the laundry basket or refusing to brush his teeth, then I would have more sympathy and say YANBU.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/10/2021 08:42

Some 14 year olds are mature enough to be left alone at home over night for a few days. Some 18 or 19 year olds wouldn't be. It's swings and roundabouts here.
There is no minimum age when kids can be left at home unsupervised in UK law:
The law does not say an age when you can leave a child on their own, but it’s an offence to leave a child alone if it places them at risk.

I hope you've managed to leave to go on your holiday @Kermitsolvestheclimate

CampagVelocet · 19/10/2021 08:43

People are being vile to the OP. She's an exhausted mother at the end of her tether - everyone is falling over themselves to sympathise with her son but how about putting yourself in her shoes for a few minutes? Teenagers can be enraging, ASD or not.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 19/10/2021 08:44

My family used to be known by one friend for the massive arguments we would have before leaving for holidays. They were all about packing and were between my husband and me, our child was fine and did her own thing whereas I hate packing with a vengeance and find it extremely difficult to get on with, even if there's a plane to catch. I am considered "normal" and this went on when we were in our forties and fifties. (Better now since we've changed continents twice.)
It actually does sound as if the OP might be better off staying at home and having a "holiday" on her own, though I'm no psychologist, I just think if I were feeling as stressed out and ground down as she obviously is, that's what I'd prefer to do.

CampagVelocet · 19/10/2021 08:45

@toolazytothinkofausername

I can't understand why the OP made such a fuss in the first place. Feels like a storm in a teacup. All the OP had to do was to give her DS 2 options:
  1. You choose and pack your bag yourself by this date/time

or

  1. Once the date/time has passed, I will pack it for you but be warned I will decide what you wear.

Most people only go on holiday 1-2 times a year, so why make such a big fight over it? Holidays are meant to be enjoyable, so why not let it go?

If the argument was your DS was refusing to put dirty clothes in the laundry basket or refusing to brush his teeth, then I would have more sympathy and say YANBU.

The final straw, perhaps? This thread has demonstrated that there's minimal support out there for parents in the OP's shoes. Maybe this was what tipped her over the edge?
Sunset999 · 19/10/2021 08:50

OP you sound stressed out and worn down, I think you are in a difficult situation , the main thing is if he was excited about it and wanted to go then all should be good In the end, if he didn't want to go in the first place then that's different, hope you can get away, all of you x

toolazytothinkofausername · 19/10/2021 08:57

@CampagVelocet The final straw for what? Having a child with Autism? Too much of an inconvenience? Too much extra work? Better to leave them at home?

IntermittentParps · 19/10/2021 08:58

Your poor husband
What, because he's packing a bag for his kid.? Grin Jesus wept.
People on here are being twats. The OP is at the end of her rope.

toolazytothinkofausername · 19/10/2021 08:59

Perhaps at the beginning OP was right to complain if she was the one that provides all the support to DS, but DH stepped in and did the packing so why was OP still complaining?!?

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