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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DS behind when we go on holiday?

395 replies

Kermitsolvestheclimate · 18/10/2021 18:34

We're due to go away tomorrow (in UK). DS (age 14.5) won't pack his bag or do anything to get ready to leave early in the morning despite various encouragements and warnings from us. He has just gone out for the rest of this eve (to a class he attends). He has form and caused a lot of trouble on our last holiday as he wouldn't pack to leave and we had a strict deadline to be out of the accommodation. His lack of co-operation was very stressful and I ended up clearing his room, packing his bags for him on top of everything else I was doing like clearing the kitchen, packing the car etc. he just sat there doing sweet FA. AIBU to just think sod him, we'll go without him in the morning and leave him home alone rather than have all the angst again. I refuse to accept he needs his mother to pack a bag for a few days away whilst he sits playing on his phone. I know he does want to come on the holiday and when he snaps out of his stupid mood will be upset if we leave him behind. (For context he has ASD but is 'high functioning' and is perfectly able to pack an overnight bag) .

OP posts:
Original poster
Kermitsolvestheclimate · 18/10/2021 21:14

His dad is packing for him. I'm not going on the holiday. I've had enough of all this shit. Over and out.

OP posts:
Boulshired · 18/10/2021 21:14

I cannot believe people are even giving advice on how to punish a 14 year old child with ASD.

icedcoffees · 18/10/2021 21:14

@MushMonster

Pack for him OP. All the childish tshirts that you can find. Mismatched clothes, specially if there are any that he dislikes, mismatched socks, trainers, and two undies. Forget the phone, video game, tablet, chargers.... say you could not find them. All done!

That should teach him.

Why do you think it's okay to bully a child for having diagnosed executive functioning issues as a result of autism?

You should be ashamed of yourself. What a disgusting response.

GrasswillbeGreener · 18/10/2021 21:15

Having two ASD teens (well, only one diagnosed but ...), I sympathise. Mine are only able to pack because they've ended up at boarding school; this has meant that they are packing every half term / overnight bags now and then, and it has become normalised. As has my working out what has been left behind and can either be done without for a week or two or needs a solution more urgently ...

I only got halfway decent at packing when I was working away from home (before children!) and often packing for 3 or 4 days at a time. Longer trips I'm still a bit of a nightmare sometimes.

So ... not an awful lot to suggest for dealing with the acute situation, but perhaps finding a way for your son to do several short trips - just overnights or long weekends - over the next year, might give him enough practice to be able to cope with packing. An overnight trip means not a lot needed and what gets left behind CAN be done without even if it is something apparently crucial like a toothbrush or a phone charger!

notanothertakeaway · 18/10/2021 21:15

@MushMonster

Pack for him OP. All the childish tshirts that you can find. Mismatched clothes, specially if there are any that he dislikes, mismatched socks, trainers, and two undies. Forget the phone, video game, tablet, chargers.... say you could not find them. All done!

That should teach him.

@MushMonster

Did you notice that the child has autism?

icedcoffees · 18/10/2021 21:15

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

His dad is packing for him. I'm not going on the holiday. I've had enough of all this shit. Over and out.
And that won't ruin the holiday for your younger kids? Honestly. Let your DH pack and take a breather.
MrsMariaReynolds · 18/10/2021 21:16

@lilcolibri

Can't believe I'm reading that.

He has ASD and you can't even pack a bag for him?

He's not NT, he clearly needs a hand and you're 'considering leaving him' and resentful that you had to help him pack up last holiday?

I actually think you must be trolling since I can't believe a parent of a child with ASD that clearly needs some extra help would behave like this.

Yup! Absolutely agree.
2lsinllama · 18/10/2021 21:18

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

His dad is packing for him. I'm not going on the holiday. I've had enough of all this shit. Over and out.
Oh that’s so sad - sounds like you are at the end of your rope. Hopefully after a good night’s sleep you will feel differently. 💐 people do not realise how tiring it is to deal with ASD children - and I only have them eight hours a day.
Timetoretiretospain · 18/10/2021 21:18

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

His dad is packing for him. I'm not going on the holiday. I've had enough of all this shit. Over and out.
Your poor husband .
thegreylady · 18/10/2021 21:19

I would put underwear and pyjamas in my case for him without telling him. Let him think he has only what he is wearing. You shouldn’t stay behind that is punishing the whole family as well as yourself.

coeliacsucks · 18/10/2021 21:19

As a mother of an ASD teen I understand your frustration in getting him to cooperate, however your obvious dislike of your child probably isn't helping. If a stranger over the web can pick up on this then so can he and it's probably why he's acting the way he is!

There is no way in hell I would consider leaving mine alone even for more than a couple of hours despite the fact he is perfectly capable of looking after himself, but I actually like my child.

Issue clear instruction, give clear consequences if it's not done and carry it through. Consistency is key with teens ASD or not

MushMonster · 18/10/2021 21:20

I have just read your last page in the thread! Quite heated up for such a mundane thing!
All teenagers are quite like this. You ask them to do something, ask again, tell them to do it, tell again, shout, threaten..... at the end it is not done. So you have to either do it with them or do it for them. And it is exhausting! OP needs some understanding, a bit of humour, and maybe a glass of wine.
Now, on a serious note, I would help him to go through the list you have done, help him to choose, maybe the number of options gets too much for him. Keep it calm and sweet so he is calm, rests and ready to go tomorrow.
Handhold and Flowers. It is hard work OP.
Enjoy your break away! Wishing you some downtime soon.

MushMonster · 18/10/2021 21:24

Yes, I did notice in the opening OP.
It was meant to be jokey, not taken literally.
I had not read the replies to the thread.

Thatsplentyjack · 18/10/2021 21:24

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

To the patronising comment re us doing our research, we have had several years of that btw. He very much wants to go on the trip, he is very excited about going and most of it is planned around things he likes doing. Its not me swanning off for my dream holiday without him, I can assure you. Just don't want him ruining it for rest of family esp younger DC again.
I honestly can't see how he's ruining it, you are ruining it! He's a child with ASD and your the adult making mountains out of molehills. Just put his stuff in a bag, sorted, no big deal.
toolazytothinkofausername · 18/10/2021 21:24

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

His dad is packing for him. I'm not going on the holiday. I've had enough of all this shit. Over and out.
You are cutting off one's nose to spite one's face.
Mateypotatey · 18/10/2021 21:24

Obviously an autistic child shouldn't be left for five days, but I have sympathy OP. you sound burnt out. Do you have any support? I think you should plan a holiday alone in the future, but plan it so it is somewhere you like and not a break taken under acrimony with your family. Your husband could also then do this another time if he wants. Also, just because someone's autistic doesn't mean they can't behave badly, separately to the ASC.

junebirthdaygirl · 18/10/2021 21:25

In the grand scheme of his life his dad packing his bag is not going to change everything. Take the easy option now...don't say a word to him just go on the holiday and enjoy yourself. You are tired and frustrated but take some deep breaths and go. Looking back you will both remember this holiday where he will have fun and you will get a rest but you won't remember he didn't pack the dam bag.
But l can tell you if you don't go your dc will never forget that.
I read a book about a teen with ASD and when it was something like packing or doing a big tidy on her room she genuinely didn't know where to start...literally. She had to be lead in minute steps.
Too late now but next time make a list: step 1 Find 5 t-shirts.etc
All go and have a good holiday.

Crispanddips · 18/10/2021 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 18/10/2021 21:27

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

His dad is packing for him. I'm not going on the holiday. I've had enough of all this shit. Over and out.
Sounds like a good idea. Hopefully they'll have a good time and you can spend some time alone.

My husband takes our sons away every year and I enjoy the quiet week.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 18/10/2021 21:27

@Crispanddips

I hope you enjoy the time alone, it’s such a treat to have a peaceful house and your own routine. Your DS sounds awful. Can you threaten to put him in to care? That might make him pull his finger out and stop taking having a loving family for granted. I hope he doesn’t ruin more things for you and your family, life’s too short to pander to a brat Daffodil
Are you serious?
Bladerunners · 18/10/2021 21:28

Threaten to put him in to care? What on earth is wrong with you?

Warmduscher · 18/10/2021 21:29

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

His dad is packing for him. I'm not going on the holiday. I've had enough of all this shit. Over and out.
How great that you can opt out of the difficult bits. I bet your son wishes he could do the same.
Thatsplentyjack · 18/10/2021 21:29

@Kermitsolvestheclimate

His dad is packing for him. I'm not going on the holiday. I've had enough of all this shit. Over and out.
Wow, your son is not the one ruining the holiday, you are and if this is the way you carry in on all your holidays then I suspect you ruined them too.
imip · 18/10/2021 21:30

I have two autistic teens and an autistic 9yo. They are considered high functioning, however, it is really not a linear scale and high functioning autistic people may still not be able to live independently or work.

One of my dc, in particular, finds travel very difficult. It really ruined trips for us because at that point we didn’t understand her anxiety and she was not diagnosed. We still have troubles now, but for long journeys I have to make a personalised itinerary - like a social story of where we are staying and what we are doing - with pictures - to help her. Her opposition to going is really just her anxiety.

Dd does look back fondly on trips, but she will still be very anxious for future trips.

I think you need to look a bit closer into what his behaviour is saying to you. Being a parent of. Child with SN can be really challenging but or leave him home alone at 15 feels very wrong. My 14yo would love to be left home along, but their is just no way.

whoseafraidofnaomiwolf · 18/10/2021 21:31

@OverweightPidgeon

Take him without the clothes he should have packed - you can’t leave him alone!
This is exactly the right approach