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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let daughter go and get ice cream?

134 replies

iamfamousnow · 18/10/2021 13:19

My daughter has just turned 8 and her attitude is atrocious recently. She got her hoverboard and screen time removed from her all of last week over the October hols due to her bad behaviour. Calling me stupid, talking back, arguing with everything I say. Her dad came around and removed hoverboard and she hadn't had screen time all week and was to write a paragraph each day of what she had done that day to help me.

She wrote a paragraph one day. When her dad came to pick her up Friday he sat with her whilst she did the other three paragraphs and so when she went to his house for the weekend he gave her back her hoverboard and screen time.

This morning when he was dropping her back off to me he said she had lost them again today due to her behaviour this morning, getting angry and shouting at him. He then said if she was good for me today that he would pick her up tonight and take her for an ice cream.

She's been okay, however, as I was making her lunch she came into the kitchen and sang, 'my mum is an A S S H O L E' I said 'that's enough, that's not nice'. She then did it again. I said okay no Ice cream now and she was screaming and crying saying she is sorry and was only joking.

Now I have to admit I've been a very laid back parent probably to a fault, we are more friends usually than mother and daughter which is not a good thing. That's why I am now trying to be a lot stricter and come down hard and stick to what I say. However I don't really know how to do that. What a reasonable punishment is and I always feel so guilty punishing her.

I wasn't raised with boundaries so it's hard to implement them in my house.

AIBU to stop her from going for ice cream if she was only joking?

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 18/10/2021 13:22

Removing a treat for calling you an asshole is fully reasonable.

A joke is only a joke if everyone finds it funny - insulting people isn't a joke.

DementedPanda · 18/10/2021 13:23

I wouldn't be letting my child go for a treat for that behaviour. She is old enough to know that's very rude behaviour. Stick to your guns or it will get harder to manage as she gets older.

Stompythedinosaur · 18/10/2021 13:23

Maybe sit together and agree some house rules so she gets the boundaries very clearly?

ShaneTheThird · 18/10/2021 13:24

Wow your not unreasonable at all. She's 8 years old she should not be calling you an asshole.

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2021 13:26

Your child called you an asshole . No ,you dont let them be rewarded for that behaviour.

Tillysfad · 18/10/2021 13:26

That was really rude of her. You're right to impose a boundary and consequence. It doesn't matter if she was joking as she needs to learn that some jokes are unpleasant, not funny and rude. I also think she was trying to be rude under the radar.

It's good her dad is supportive but should be really be banning things when it's time to go back to yours and being the one to introduce the carrot? He may mean well but you're not getting any good cop time.

Namechange12312 · 18/10/2021 13:26

The only thing I would have done differently in your position is perhaps warn her of the consequence before going through with it. Whilst she is old enough to know that’s not acceptable, I don’t think it’s very fair to remove the treat without giving her a chance first. I have an 8yr old DD too, I know they can be challenging

Seeline · 18/10/2021 13:27

She wasn't only joking.

You need to sit her down when you are both calm and explain that you are not going to put up with behaviour like this, and that there will be consequences if she carries on. Is there a particular reason why she might of started playing up - have oyu just split with her Dad, got a new partner, problems at school, friendship issues?

I would then concentrate on trying to reward any good behaviour. She is still young enough where something like a reward chart could work. Certain number of stickers gets a small reward - extra screen time, comic, etc. Or perhaps saving them up for a bigger reward, or if she manages 5 consecutive days etc.

The alternative is a jar of eg marbles, start off with 10 in there - gets an extra one for every good thing (saying please/thank you, doing chores, helping without being asked etc) and loses 1 every time she is rude, disobedient etc. Can have a reward of there are a certain number eft at the end of each week.

The important thing is consistency. Have boundaries and stick to them every time.

DysmalRadius · 18/10/2021 13:28

There's no conceivable way she thought you would find being called an asshole funny. You warned her, she chose to continue being rude. It sounds like you've been clear about your boundaries - don't let her trample on them just because she's realising you mean it!

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 18/10/2021 13:31

Ask her if she thinks she was wrong and if she still deserves an ice cream. The 'only joking' is a lame excuse and not acceptable.
It's nice to be 'friends' with your DC but you are still her parent.

RightOnTheEdge · 18/10/2021 13:40

No YANBU. Her dad said he would take her for an ice cream if she was good for you and she hasn't been good.

AdobeWanKenobi · 18/10/2021 13:43

"I was only joking" is the standard defence of every kid when their rudeness is called out.
No ice cream.

00100001 · 18/10/2021 13:43

When did this behaviour start?

GoWalkabout · 18/10/2021 13:44

She's crying out for some boundaries. What's really going on?

GoWalkabout · 18/10/2021 13:46

I work in child mental health and would guess she's testing you and dad for a reason - something is bothering her. Firm boundaries and lots of time and attention alongside them.

ScottishNewbie · 18/10/2021 13:48

It sounds like her dad is really trying to implement some boundaries and you not telling him about her behaviour would be undermining him when you two need to be a united front! Children feel more secure and safe when they know the expectations and those expectations are consistent across the board.

AllWaxedOut · 18/10/2021 13:50

An 8yo shouldn't be calling anyone an asshole, joke or not and especially not her own mother!

Dad seems to have a nice set up though, where you are doing all the punishing and he swoops in and rewards her for being good

toastofthetown · 18/10/2021 13:53

It doesn't sound like removing her possessions is helping her behaviour. She might well think you are an asshole for removing all of her screen time and hoverboard. If someone made me write a paragraph daily about what I'd done to help them, I wouldn't be feeling too favourable myself. Taking away ice cream won't help her behaviour. It's not acceptable for her to call you an asshole but taking away her ice cream won't get her to reflect and improve her behaviour. It will probably affirm her belief.

Instead escalating punishments, have you considered Moree positive discipline techniques. The book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen might help your communication with her and build a more positive relationship between you. Why did she call you an asshole? Is it a new word she's trying out? Is there lots of friction between you leading to frustration from her? Was she looking for attention? All of these would need a different way to approach it in terms of how to stop her using hurtful language, and removing a trip to get an ice cream won't help with any of them.

MissCreeAnt · 18/10/2021 13:55

Yup, no to ice-cream, do enforce this, but then keep it positive. Don't add any "extra" punishments, even soft ones like referring back to it.

PleasantBirthday · 18/10/2021 14:00

No matter what structured discipline method you use, no matter how many little chats you have, you simply cannot reward your child for calling you an asshole with ice cream.

She has been told that she may earn ice cream if she behaves herself. She called you an asshole. That means no ice cream. I can't believe there's any method of communicating with children that would suggest that you make a rule and then decide not to follow through because she might be feeling a bit frustrated.

Part of the job of being a parent is to prepare your child to function as an adult and no adult will accept and reward that behaviour unless they have some very serious personal issues.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 18/10/2021 14:12

I mean — no I wouldn’t be inclined to let her go for ice cream after that.

But more broadly, I don’t think punishments like the ones you’ve been implementing ever work well, as a rule. The whole thing with the paragraphs, and confiscating stuff … meh, it’s not ever going to get to the bottom of what’s making her misbehave.

Threats and shame and random punitive consequences will just deepen the disconnection that makes her behave in a defiant and oppositional way.

She needs support.

Morgan12 · 18/10/2021 14:14

Taking privileges is the wrong way imo. You need to get to the root of the problem.

rainbowstardrops · 18/10/2021 14:16

Ultimately, you need to get to the root of the problem but in the short term today, she wasn't joking, she was being rude so no to ice cream today.

DirtyDancing · 18/10/2021 14:18

Bloody hell. My DS is 8 next month and still thinks the word poo is funny. I'd be mortified if he even knew the word asshole let alone call me an arsehole. No one here seems as shocked as me though!

I'd be banning Christmas let alone screen time; I think DH & I would hit the roof, the hover board would be going to the charity shop. I'm not even that strict, but this is unacceptable

Original poster

iamfamousnow · 18/10/2021 14:18

I've ended up in tears as her behaviour has just worsened since I've posted. I phoned her dad and he said to drop her at his for an extra night but she's now crying hysterically saying she's not going, please don't make her go. So I'm in tears as I don't want her to think I'm just sending her to her dads and abandoning her. I just don't know what to do. He said if she's not there in 20 minutes he's coming to get her and that will be worse for her.

OP posts:

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