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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let daughter go and get ice cream?

134 replies

iamfamousnow · 18/10/2021 13:19

My daughter has just turned 8 and her attitude is atrocious recently. She got her hoverboard and screen time removed from her all of last week over the October hols due to her bad behaviour. Calling me stupid, talking back, arguing with everything I say. Her dad came around and removed hoverboard and she hadn't had screen time all week and was to write a paragraph each day of what she had done that day to help me.

She wrote a paragraph one day. When her dad came to pick her up Friday he sat with her whilst she did the other three paragraphs and so when she went to his house for the weekend he gave her back her hoverboard and screen time.

This morning when he was dropping her back off to me he said she had lost them again today due to her behaviour this morning, getting angry and shouting at him. He then said if she was good for me today that he would pick her up tonight and take her for an ice cream.

She's been okay, however, as I was making her lunch she came into the kitchen and sang, 'my mum is an A S S H O L E' I said 'that's enough, that's not nice'. She then did it again. I said okay no Ice cream now and she was screaming and crying saying she is sorry and was only joking.

Now I have to admit I've been a very laid back parent probably to a fault, we are more friends usually than mother and daughter which is not a good thing. That's why I am now trying to be a lot stricter and come down hard and stick to what I say. However I don't really know how to do that. What a reasonable punishment is and I always feel so guilty punishing her.

I wasn't raised with boundaries so it's hard to implement them in my house.

AIBU to stop her from going for ice cream if she was only joking?

OP posts:

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 18/10/2021 14:18

Jesus, of course she can't have ice cream. What a brat.

Dreambigger · 18/10/2021 14:19

Think there is more going on here. Shes 8. She's crying out for some sort of attention. I would try to find out whats going on and get some sort of consistent behaviour management going on. Dont think writing paragraphs serve any purpose..

DirtyDancing · 18/10/2021 14:20

Still can't believe she knows that word and used it!

AdobeWanKenobi · 18/10/2021 14:21

@WhatATimeToBeAlive

Jesus, of course she can't have ice cream. What a brat.

This is an 8 year old child with separated parents who’s clearly going through some shit for whatever reason.

She is not a brat.

PleasantBirthday · 18/10/2021 14:23

I'm as shocked as you - I'd be horrified if my child even knew such a word, let alone applied it to me and I'll tell you now, she would not have said it twice in my hearing because she would be having a very long think about acceptable language and behaviour in her room before having the chance to utter it again.

lifesgoodwithlg · 18/10/2021 14:23

Please offer your daughter consistent guidelines on what is acceptable. You are her parent and not her friend, Don't reward bad behaviour, she has learned that you are a pushover , she called you an asshole and you are unsure if she should get ice cream or not? Please be consistent as you are setting yourself up for nightmare teenage years and it's not entirely her fault. Enough of the blame game and forget the popularity contest, parent is a verb as well as a noun.

Original poster

iamfamousnow · 18/10/2021 14:25

@00100001

When did this behaviour start?

About 3/4 weeks ago. I have consistently asked her if anything is bothering her or there's anything she wants to talk about/how she feels inside etc but she always says everything is fine.

OP posts:

Tigerwhocameforsupper · 18/10/2021 14:25

Using her dads as a punishment is totally inappropriate. If you drop her off there you are telling her that you can’t cope with her behaviour, that she isn’t wanted at yours, and that being at her dads should be seen as negative. None of this is healthy.

You need to sit her down and find out what’s going on. She might not be able to tell you, it may just be some hormone changes. But she is old enough to help you set some family rules and stick to them. Agree with her what the rules should be and if possible get her dad to sit in on the conversation and have the same set of rules for both houses with the same consequences.

Don’t phone dad to report bad behaviour at yours. Just use the consequence system you all decide on and move on each time something happens.

PleasantBirthday · 18/10/2021 14:25

@iamfamousnow

I've ended up in tears as her behaviour has just worsened since I've posted. I phoned her dad and he said to drop her at his for an extra night but she's now crying hysterically saying she's not going, please don't make her go. So I'm in tears as I don't want her to think I'm just sending her to her dads and abandoning her. I just don't know what to do. He said if she's not there in 20 minutes he's coming to get her and that will be worse for her.

Why are you crying? It sounds like you're far too involved with being nice and good in this child's eyes to be really firm and clear. Sometimes you have to stand outside your own feelings for her benefit. This vacillating over what kind of consequence her behaviour brings to the point that you are crying over it must be confusing for her.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 18/10/2021 14:26

Not at all.
You need to knock the friends thing on the head. She has friends. She needs
you to be her mother more than she needs you to be her buddy. It's a totally different relationship. I think if you reestablish a clear parent child relationship and boundaries you might find that helps.

Excited101 · 18/10/2021 14:27

It seems very up in the air about when she’s at yours and when she’s at her dads... how long have you been separated? Is there no routine to the week?

Absolutely no ice cream, you said it, you see it through. She’s testing your boundaries, you’re right, you’ve been too slack in the past.

Tumtitumtum · 18/10/2021 14:27

Few things going on here, and believe me I’m not a perfect parent.

Firstly you seem to be using her dad as the punishment/making her do things like the paragraphs. That’s not ok.

Secondly sending her away a second night is going to give her huge insecurity that you can just dump her whenever. I’ve been seriously tempted to get them to fuck off to their (absent) dads but it’s my job to parents so I would never.

Thirdly if you’ve had no boundaries and are all of a sudden ruling with a rod of iron she’s going to be confused as hell.

It’s absolutely not ok behaviour but I think you need to back away from the no ice creams/ dads extra. Send her for the ice cream explaining that you are ALL going and as a family going to be setting some ground rules and consequences.

Then stick to them.

Franca123 · 18/10/2021 14:28

Wtaf? Is this a joke? I would loose my shit. I can't even imagine what my parents would have done in this situation. Where is your self respect? You don't deserve to have to take that. What would you do if a friend did that?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 18/10/2021 14:29

I don't think her going back to her dad's is a good idea. You should phone him and say no, I will handle this.

She needs to be able to calm down before you can even try to talk about this.

Such an extreme reaction to her dad coming to get her. I'd want to find out why that is. Is he too far the other way to you?

toastofthetown · 18/10/2021 14:34

@iamfamousnow

Being blunt, she will think that you are sending her to her Dad's and abandoning her because that's what's happening. What do you mean 'it will be worse for her' if you don't drop her off?

Original poster

iamfamousnow · 18/10/2021 14:42

Things have calmed down a bit. I phoned him and said she's staying here with me.

I was crying because I didn't want her feeling like I've sent her to her dads and just abandoned her.

We've had a cuddle and we're going to talk about things. Yes me and her dad probably aren't very consistent.

I think the marble thing is a good idea and going to look into that.

OP posts:

sillysmiles · 18/10/2021 14:44

So she had to screen time etc at your house. Her Dad collects her and next day she has "earned" her screen time back for the weekend and then he imposes a punishment as he's dropping her off, for you to deal with?

Is she looking for a reaction? Is she trying to push your buttons?

Original poster

iamfamousnow · 18/10/2021 14:47

@sillysmiles

Is she looking for a reaction? Is she trying to push your buttons?

Yes that's exactly what happened. I'm really not sure.

OP posts:

PleasantBirthday · 18/10/2021 14:49

I was crying because I didn't want her feeling like I've sent her to her dads and just abandoned her.

But you must see how difficult that is for a child, to be able to get you to cry like that. She needs you to be in charge. Properly, not sending her to her dads, not crying like that, in charge.

I know it's hard, but you're the parent and she needs consistency and direction from you. I'm sure you're a lovely Mum but it really does sound like you'll have to toughen up and be prepared to take decisions that she doesn't like without getting upset.

Original poster

iamfamousnow · 18/10/2021 14:58

Yeah I need to toughen up. It's hard because I was raised really relaxed, never had consistent boundaries so it feels foreign to me.

For whoever asked me and her dad have been split since she was around 3. We have a good relationship and she goes to his every second weekend Friday to Monday and every second Wednesday night. But he phones everyday and will often pop in to see her or watch her if I have something on. He is a good dad and they have a great relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

iamfamousnow · 18/10/2021 15:03

She just said to me, I'm done with being cheeky, I tried it for a while but there was too many punishments so I'm going back to being good

OP posts:

PleasantBirthday · 18/10/2021 15:05

I don't mean to be unkind, I know it comes across that way. But I suppose one thing that's always close to my mind is that if children don't know where the boundaries are or have responsibility they cant deal with (for making the rules, other people's feelings) they become confused and upset and unable to deal with anything. The hardest part, I think, about being a parent is the acceptance that the grown ups aren't coming - because they're you, now.

PleasantBirthday · 18/10/2021 15:06

@iamfamousnow

She just said to me, I'm done with being cheeky, I tried it for a while but there was too many punishments so I'm going back to being good

That made me laugh. She's a bright little thing, you know!

godmum56 · 18/10/2021 15:06

@LemonJuiceFromConcentrate

I mean — no I wouldn’t be inclined to let her go for ice cream after that.

But more broadly, I don’t think punishments like the ones you’ve been implementing ever work well, as a rule. The whole thing with the paragraphs, and confiscating stuff … meh, it’s not ever going to get to the bottom of what’s making her misbehave.

Threats and shame and random punitive consequences will just deepen the disconnection that makes her behave in a defiant and oppositional way.

She needs support.

^^ this.

Original poster

iamfamousnow · 18/10/2021 15:14

I don't think you were unkind @PleasantBirthday I agree with what you said. It's very hard being a parent. I constantly worry if I'm doing the right thing. I worry about messing her up in anyway and I'm not a perfect parent and am aware of my shortcomings but I genuinely love her and try my hardest and am going to work on being stronger as it will benefit her in the long run even if it's hard for me. Thank you.

OP posts:

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