To not let daughter go and get ice cream?

[iamfamousnow]

My daughter has just turned 8 and her attitude is atrocious recently. She got her hoverboard and screen time removed from her all of last week over the October hols due to her bad behaviour. Calling me stupid, talking back, arguing with everything I say. Her dad came around and removed hoverboard and she hadn't had screen time all week and was to write a paragraph each day of what she had done that day to help me.

She wrote a paragraph one day. When her dad came to pick her up Friday he sat with her whilst she did the other three paragraphs and so when she went to his house for the weekend he gave her back her hoverboard and screen time.

This morning when he was dropping her back off to me he said she had lost them again today due to her behaviour this morning, getting angry and shouting at him. He then said if she was good for me today that he would pick her up tonight and take her for an ice cream.

She's been okay, however, as I was making her lunch she came into the kitchen and sang, 'my mum is an A S S H O L E' I said 'that's enough, that's not nice'. She then did it again. I said okay no Ice cream now and she was screaming and crying saying she is sorry and was only joking.

Now I have to admit I've been a very laid back parent probably to a fault, we are more friends usually than mother and daughter which is not a good thing. That's why I am now trying to be a lot stricter and come down hard and stick to what I say. However I don't really know how to do that. What a reasonable punishment is and I always feel so guilty punishing her.

I wasn't raised with boundaries so it's hard to implement them in my house.

AIBU to stop her from going for ice cream if she was only joking?

You certainly don't need to shout, ever. But unless you show firmness and natural annoyance that anyone would feel from being called an arsehole, how will she learn how to behave and respect you?

@iamfamousnow

I just googled 'passive parenting' and that is most definitely me 😩

Well I think passive is better than 'angry abusive' parent so I don't think you're doing too badly

Absolutely no ice cream after calling you that!

@DirtyDancing

Bloody hell. My DS is 8 next month and still thinks the word poo is funny. I'd be mortified if he even knew the word asshole let alone call me an arsehole. No one here seems as shocked as me though!

I'd be banning Christmas let alone screen time; I think DH & I would hit the roof, the hover board would be going to the charity shop. I'm not even that strict, but this is unacceptable

Lol at cancelling Christmas in October... As fucking if.

Also, posters mentioning things like giving away high value items and cancelling Christmas over the use of a swear word, I sincerely hope these are a joke. If people really do this I hope you realise it could could serious long term resentment issues in your kids that they would quite likely never forget. And I don't blame them.

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream yes you're absolutely right, it could be worse! I've just ordered some marbles and a jar and going to try positive reinforcement, I think it will fit my style more and come more naturally. So 🤞! Thanks for advice

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

Also, posters mentioning things like giving away high value items and cancelling Christmas over the use of a swear word, I sincerely hope these are a joke. If people really do this I hope you realise it could could serious long term resentment issues in your kids that they would quite likely never forget. And I don't blame them.

It's a bit disingenuous to talk about "over the use of a swear word". She didn't just say the word, she called her Mum an asshole, and repeated it when told not to say it again. That's serious disrespect.

Yes I agree GreyhoundG1rl and it needs dealing with, but not by giving away her hoverboard and cancelling Christmas FFS! How about, y'know, normal discipline?

Well, I wouldn't cancel Christmas

@GreyhoundG1rl

Well, I wouldn't cancel Christmas

Fair enough. I mean, I'm not a big fan of hoverboards myself....

I would not be having that shit. I wouldn't take that from an adult, never mind an 8 year old child. Where on earth is she learning that calling her mother an asshole is acceptable?

She'd be more likely to get a smacked bum than ice cream.

Definatly cancel that and send her to her room to do homework. If she wants to be unpleasant then she can take herself off and do it elsewhere.

I think it is an age thing OP in the sense that all parenting is a phase. She's trying out a bit of sass to see how you react. But the dip in behaviour in general may still be linked to emotional angst. Even if nothing new has happened she might suddenly be relating to it differently - noticing her friends parents are together, wondering if it was her behaviour that caused the split, an awareness of some parents leaving their children or dying. She needs to hear the message that her behaviour is unacceptable but ultimately she is worthy - worthy of your love and capable of redemption. Ott punishments wildly out of kilter with your normal parenting style don't strike me as a good idea but a new arsenal of tools for reward and boundary setting for this new phase of parenting is a good idea.

When my two children were youngies, and sometimes over stepped things with some naughty behaviour, like shouting back at parents and refusing to do things etc, I just sat them down, and talked seriously to them about what they had done wrong,until it had sunk in with them.

This was a long time ago, and in the days before kids had gadgets that they could get addicted to, so nothing was taken away from them for any kind of punishments.. Just parental warnings, for bad behaviour usually worked very well.

@Franca123

Wtaf? Is this a joke? I would loose my shit. I can't even imagine what my parents would have done in this situation. Where is your self respect? You don't deserve to have to take that. What would you do if a friend did that?

Mine would have walloped me. No doubt about it. I'm not suggesting this as a course of action but what staggers me is she dared to be that rude.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

I would not be having that shit. I wouldn't take that from an adult, never mind an 8 year old child. Where on earth is she learning that calling her mother an asshole is acceptable?

She'd be more likely to get a smacked bum than ice cream.

Definatly cancel that and send her to her room to do homework. If she wants to be unpleasant then she can take herself off and do it elsewhere.

Lovely, let's smack 8 year old children...

Yeah I've never hit her and never will. I would feel like shit doing that to be honest.

You need to become a parent OP. That means being unpopular at times and not being your child’s “buddy” as it is doing her no favours at all.

If you didn’t have the best upbringing yourself, would suggest you get parenting books out from library or just use Google, but you need to nip this behaviour in the bud as it will only get worse if you continue the current approach.

@daisypond I'm not intending to be aggressive I'm just reiterating my experience and the differences from 1970s parenting to current parenting and I think the OP sounds like a great Mom and a good united team with the father of the child

As lovely a notion it is that Parent and child can be best friends I believe fully that they have enough friends and they need a parent who will help navigate life via boundaries, discipline (I don’t mean harsh, just having consequences for behaviour, good and bad). They need you to mould them into good adults. A child calling a parent is so disrespectful. Joking or not.

You and your ex are weirdly enmeshed. He seems to dictate far too much ringing etc and then makes you be the bad guy.

You need clearly defined boundaries with her and him. Your time is your time - no constant ringing etc. His is the same. Clear boundaries for both of you with a reward and punishment system that works across both households but doesnt effect them.

He seems to have made you have ALL the bad and him all the good. You need to parent though with your boundaries not rely on him

She is 8
She is acting up for a,reason
Kids don't tell you to question
"What s bothering uou?"
You need to be more open ended subtle
What s your best day ever?
If you could go anywhere tomorrow where should we go?
Who s your best friend?
Who s your worst friend
What s your favourite lunch at school?
What s your favourite time of day?

The answerss might illustrate what s going on

Read
How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids,will talk

Soo..there's no new joiners in her year/class?
There's no new friendships/fallouts?
The teacher is good? DDS attainment has stayed the same? Nothing has changed with Dad?

It's very unusual for an 8yo to be so suddenly cocky, as mucha s laughing at her mother after being reprimanded for calling her name.

What normally happens when she's disciplined, how do you know she'd laugh at you? This implies she's done it before without consequences??

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

I would not be having that shit. I wouldn't take that from an adult, never mind an 8 year old child. Where on earth is she learning that calling her mother an asshole is acceptable?

She'd be more likely to get a smacked bum than ice cream.

Definatly cancel that and send her to her room to do homework. If she wants to be unpleasant then she can take herself off and do it elsewhere.

Yes that’s right because if your kid cheeks you roll your sleeves up and physically assault them, excellent parenting advice.

Where on earth did you find hitting people is acceptable? Or do you just think it’s ok if it’s little children?

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

Also, posters mentioning things like giving away high value items and cancelling Christmas over the use of a swear word, I sincerely hope these are a joke. If people really do this I hope you realise it could could serious long term resentment issues in your kids that they would quite likely never forget. And I don't blame them.

Honestly so many people have dysfunctional relationships with their kids, who basically can’t stand them, hang around here for awhile and you see them coming on to recommend doling out punishments that are draconian and abusive, hit them, cancel Xmas, lock them in their room, make them clean the house every day, make them go to bed hungry, don’t give them food. It’s endless.

And yeah they likely did it to their own.