You're right to have boundaries - which she knows! - and stick to them
I was according to my dd one of the stricter mums BUT that paid off later as she was better behaved than other kids and she was also more mature and better at acting independently as she got older so she had more freedom than many of her friends/peers at the mid teens stage, because I knew I could trust her
But there was a lot of hard work went into getting her to that stage.
I did go through a phase - when dd was around this age - of getting very frustrated and dishing out excessive sanctions which I then couldn't add to or walk back from. My mum advised me to not paint myself into a corner, always give myself options both if she behaved better and if she behaved worse
Eg bad behaviour of being cheeky = one day grounded (this was the thing dd hated most she couldn't care less about losing toys/material possessions but she hated not being allowed out)
But - more cheekiness - more days added
Genuine much better behaviour - a different reward could be implemented eg going to her favourite park the day after the day of being grounded
Worked pretty well for me
I agree that the key is consistency - what are your "deal breakers"?
For me it was -
No lying - this was the big one for me. I'm pretty open as a person and dd could talk to me about anything but I would never accept dishonesty - inc lies of omission
No cheekiness/respectful
behaviour expected
No doing anything dangerous/banned - eg there was a park near us poorly maintained and equipment was very dodgy so she wasn't allowed to go there
Doing as she was told the 1st time she was told - no messing about or arguing - she found this hard at first but learned
As she got older
Curfew time - she HAD to be in for this and if she was late, grounded for a day. No excuses. She knew how long it took her to get home from the places she went with friends she had a watch and then a phone and was perfectly capable of organising herself to be home on time
No slacking on school - inc homework.
When going out with friends she had to tell me where, who with and when she expected to be back
Those were the hard and fast rules there were others too but they weren't considered as important and didn't receive the same sanctions
Boundaries also make children feel secure. My dd is now 20 and we've discussed her upbringing on occasion and she says while she may have railed against me at the time, that generally she thinks I was fair and she always knew
1 she could always count on me even if she had done something stupid
2 she could talk to me about anything and I would answer questions honestly (in an age appropriate way where necessary)
3 she felt safe and felt I always had her safety as my priority
Her peers including her close friendship group a few had parents who had very very few boundaries, those kids really struggled as teens and now as new adults.
One has a major drug problem now and dd has nothing to do with them, incredibly heartbreaking and worrying.
Another is pregnant - unplanned pregnancy and on/off relationship with the father, so far from ideal which pregnant friend herself acknowledges. In addition their own parents have basically disowned them for this and are seemingly completely oblivious to their own faults.
As separated parents you really need to be on the same page too.
My ex did a vanishing act just before dd hit high school and didn't see her loads before that BUT again around this age dd did go through a phase of trying to play us off against each other...which didn't work as we did communicate at this point AND we had the same outlook parenting wise anyway in terms of what dd was and wasn't allowed to do/get etc so thinking "mum said no I'll ask dad instead" plain didn't work cos
A dad checked with mum
B dad wasn't in favour either!
It's good your ex is willing to equally play "bad cop" and not be a Disney dad and you need to back him up on this - and he you
Stop letting her play you!
She's using emotional blackmail - spending a night at her dads ISN'T abandoning her!
Frankly it sounds like you need to toughen up. You may even benefit from parenting classes
you are setting yourself up for nightmare teenage years and it's not entirely her fault. totally agree
This needs sorted out now not when she's at high school
In all likelihood the acting up is due to either :
Hormones (kids are entering puberty and therefore pre puberty earlier and earlier these days)
A new friend is having an odd influence on her
Imo
She would honestly just laugh at me.
Not if you use the right tone of voice - get some assertiveness guidance, loads of videos on YouTube, possibly courses near you and it would be something covered in parenting classes too
You need to perfect your "inner schoolmarm" and channel that into a head teacher stern voice. A bit lower and slower than you'd normally use and with the right "look" facially too!
My dd often didn't even need me to say anything. She'd get "the look" and be like "ouch! Need to behave better sorry mum"
You don't have to shout. Indeed it's better if you don't as a controlled stern voice shows you mean business!
You need to find some kind of authoritarian mode for when it's needed or her teen years will indeed be a frightening nightmare for both of you.