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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let daughter go and get ice cream?

134 replies

iamfamousnow · 18/10/2021 13:19

My daughter has just turned 8 and her attitude is atrocious recently. She got her hoverboard and screen time removed from her all of last week over the October hols due to her bad behaviour. Calling me stupid, talking back, arguing with everything I say. Her dad came around and removed hoverboard and she hadn't had screen time all week and was to write a paragraph each day of what she had done that day to help me.

She wrote a paragraph one day. When her dad came to pick her up Friday he sat with her whilst she did the other three paragraphs and so when she went to his house for the weekend he gave her back her hoverboard and screen time.

This morning when he was dropping her back off to me he said she had lost them again today due to her behaviour this morning, getting angry and shouting at him. He then said if she was good for me today that he would pick her up tonight and take her for an ice cream.

She's been okay, however, as I was making her lunch she came into the kitchen and sang, 'my mum is an A S S H O L E' I said 'that's enough, that's not nice'. She then did it again. I said okay no Ice cream now and she was screaming and crying saying she is sorry and was only joking.

Now I have to admit I've been a very laid back parent probably to a fault, we are more friends usually than mother and daughter which is not a good thing. That's why I am now trying to be a lot stricter and come down hard and stick to what I say. However I don't really know how to do that. What a reasonable punishment is and I always feel so guilty punishing her.

I wasn't raised with boundaries so it's hard to implement them in my house.

AIBU to stop her from going for ice cream if she was only joking?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 18/10/2021 17:05

@PleasantBirthday

I'm as shocked as you - I'd be horrified if my child even knew such a word, let alone applied it to me and I'll tell you now, she would not have said it twice in my hearing because she would be having a very long think about acceptable language and behaviour in her room before having the chance to utter it again.
You do know they pick up all sorts at school. yes?

I learnt every swear word I know from the boy behind me when we were in the top class, primary, nearly 60 years ago!

PleasantBirthday · 18/10/2021 17:51

You do know they pick up all sorts at school. yes?

Yeah, I suppose I do know that. I still would be shocked to hear anything of that kind from her - possibly idiotically. They're just so small though. And it is a very rude thing to call someone.

00100001 · 18/10/2021 18:00

When did this behaviour start? About 3/4 weeks ago."

So, it started when she went back to school? What's going on at school?
What's changed?

She's 8 she will struggle to able to express her unhappiness.

00100001 · 18/10/2021 18:01

@Morgantowers

Never mind the ice cream the child wouldn't have had any lunch!
Really? You use food as a punishment? Confused

You would deliberately not feed your child? In order to teach them... What?

00100001 · 18/10/2021 18:03

@GreyhoundG1rl

If my 8 year old called me an asshole they'd never see their hoverboard again, never mind having it removed overnight Hmm
Really?

One incident would see their favourite toy removed FOREVER and without warning or chance to learn/make things better?

How would that help anything?

Original poster
iamfamousnow · 18/10/2021 18:06

Sorry I've just came back to the thread. To everyone saying something is going on with her - I have asked and asked and asked 'is anything bothering you?' 'Is there anything you want to talk about? You know I'm always here to talk to about anything' 'when you are being cheeky how do you feel inside at the time' 'how do you feel inside in general' 'is anything at school bothering you?'

She says she is happy inside and nothing is bothering her - so what else can I do?

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 18/10/2021 18:07

I think your punishments are too much and without sufficient warning. Not saying you can't be strict, but it needs to not appear random to the child.

What system do they use at her school? We used the same chart that my kids had at school - good behaviour moved them up the chart (about 3 steps) and when they got to the top they got a small prize. Bad behaviour moved them down (about 4 steps) and when they got to the bottom, that's when they lose screentime. It really helped to have an immediate consequence for minor bad behaviour that I didn't feel guilty about imposing!

00100001 · 18/10/2021 18:08

You can ask her to draw things, ask her what she did at school, who she played with, talk to the teachers to see if her behaviour had changed...

Don't leave it to an 8yo to be responsible or emotionally able to explain any feelings she may be having.

00100001 · 18/10/2021 18:09

Think about if anything has changed at home, any news, any bad news etc.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 18/10/2021 18:11

My DS is the same age and he is acting up at the moment as well! Quite out of character for him too! My friends with kids the same age say the same is happening there so I'm wondering if it's a normal thing for around this age, for them to act up a bit? Sorry that's not much help.

Original poster
iamfamousnow · 18/10/2021 18:15

@00100001

You can ask her to draw things, ask her what she did at school, who she played with, talk to the teachers to see if her behaviour had changed...

Don't leave it to an 8yo to be responsible or emotionally able to explain any feelings she may be having.

I do and everything is fine. She just had her parents night the other week and teacher has no concerns. She's doing well academically, is never in trouble and I specifically asked how she is doing socially and the teacher said great. She has her little friendship group and they all play out of school together. She also has another girl over the back of us who she is very close to also.
OP posts:
Original poster
iamfamousnow · 18/10/2021 18:16

@00100001

Think about if anything has changed at home, any news, any bad news etc.
No honestly, absolutely nothing has changed. Not one thing. I have racked my brain. Someone else said she's getting used to her parents separating but we separated 5 years ago so it's not that.
OP posts:
Original poster
iamfamousnow · 18/10/2021 18:18

@Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese

My DS is the same age and he is acting up at the moment as well! Quite out of character for him too! My friends with kids the same age say the same is happening there so I'm wondering if it's a normal thing for around this age, for them to act up a bit? Sorry that's not much help.
No that is helpful thank you! Honestly I hope it is just an age thing because I can deal with that rather than thinking it's something I'm doing wrong or she's not happy Sad Good luck to you! Hopefully this means they will be extra well behaved teens
OP posts:
Popcornriver · 18/10/2021 18:23

Some of these comments honestly. Future problem to society, six feet under, take away meals, cancel Christmas. All because an eight year old girl said a bad word.

I'd have been massively shocked as well OP. Is there a possibility she has copied it from somewhere? You said she came into the room singing it? It's not really like the other instances where she's been rude after being angry is it? She's already missed her icecream treat and I'm sure you've sat and explained that sort of language is unacceptable. Try the other way and do a reward chart with a treat after so many stickers. Being rude loses her a sticker or similar.

Duchess379 · 18/10/2021 18:26

That's a whole load of nope from me. You give in, she'll use the excuse 'I'm on joking' to get away with bad behaviour. Stick to your guns. It's good you & ex are on the same page too.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 18/10/2021 18:28

Sounds like she is checking where your boundaries are to see how far she can push you. It's good your starting to show her. Maybe you can make up some house "rules' together and agree to stick to them and make it clear what consequences might look like.

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 18/10/2021 18:36

Ah, it was me who thought you’d recently separated. My mistake. Like pps I still think she is struggling with something, though.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 18/10/2021 18:37

I think rudeness like that needs reacting to instantly, eg ' Pardon!? Who on EARTH do you think you are talking to young lady?!' In a very firm,very raised, but not shouting voice, with immediate removal of any imminent treat (such as ice-cream), and obviously an apology should be forthcoming in your telling off is stern enough.
I think a telling off is punishment enough, if you do it correctly. I don't think all this removal of privileges and possessions is required if the behaviour is dealt with correctly in the first place.

Original poster
iamfamousnow · 18/10/2021 18:38

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

I think rudeness like that needs reacting to instantly, eg ' Pardon!? Who on EARTH do you think you are talking to young lady?!' In a very firm,very raised, but not shouting voice, with immediate removal of any imminent treat (such as ice-cream), and obviously an apology should be forthcoming in your telling off is stern enough. I think a telling off is punishment enough, if you do it correctly. I don't think all this removal of privileges and possessions is required if the behaviour is dealt with correctly in the first place.
She would honestly just laugh at me.
OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 18/10/2021 18:39

Hmmm. Do you get angry or are you very passive?

Clymene · 18/10/2021 18:42

I treat children like I treat dogs: with positive reinforcement. We had a a jar of scrolls. When you get 10 scrolls, you get a treat. So good behaviour is rewarded and - very occasionally - very poor behaviour is punished by the removal of a scroll.

You earn scrolls by eg doing homework without complaint, bringing your dishes to the sink, tidying up after an activity. So basically nothing taxing but it reinforces the good behaviour = reward. And praise, praise, praise when they do something good.

And then she gets her ice cream.

So the ice cream is something she can earn and make positive steps towards. It's much better for children rather than a punitive approach in my experience and probably something you will find easier if you find it hard to chastise her.

Original poster
iamfamousnow · 18/10/2021 18:42

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

Hmmm. Do you get angry or are you very passive?
Very passive. It takes me a lot to get angry. It's just not in my nature. I don't shout and don't want shouting in my house, I don't want her growing up in a shouty household. But even when I try and be firm it just sounds ridiculous as it's not me.
OP posts:
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 18/10/2021 18:43

I only mention that because if my child called me an arsehole, I told them off, then they laughed at me, I would then be more than a little angry with them. Perhaps you need to find your inner authoritarian

Original poster
iamfamousnow · 18/10/2021 18:45

I just googled 'passive parenting' and that is most definitely me 😩

OP posts:
Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 18/10/2021 18:46

Your daughters decision to be good because being bad had too many punishments shows you are a good parent. People repeat behaviour that is rewarding to them. You are doing a wonderful job. Keep at it.