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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

IABU to think there's no way he'd have pulled this if I'd been a man?

142 replies

thepeopleversuswork · 18/10/2021 11:32

There's a guy fixing my boiler atm. I've had no heating or hot water for four days and my child has been ill. So understandably I haven't been overly preoccupied with some (non perishable - old wrapping paper and bin liners type thing) rubbish at the bottom of a storage cupboard which adjoins the place where the boiler is stored which is hardly used. And which in no way impairs his ability to do his job.

But the guy has seen fit to tell me its "pretty disgusting" and I should prioritise cleaning it.

He also twice interrupted me when I was obviously trying to get my child out of the door to school to tell me off for not having moved some bikes from the hallway which he'd only asked me to do five minutes earlier (and which he was perfectly capable of doing himself).

He's also walked into background on a Teams call and started asking me something when I'd told him I was about to join a work call and needed not to be disturbed.

I'm stuck with him now as he needs to finish the boiler but I'm seething and also feel like there's no way on earth he'd have done this if I were a man living on my own. Has anyone else ever successfully dealt with this sort of low level misogynistic shit from people doing jobs in your home without a row?

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 18/10/2021 11:37

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place aren't you?

Unfortunately I think you will just have to try and stay out of his way today and hope to God that he gets the boiler fixed so that you never have to see him again.

But write everything down and make sure you complain about him to his boss/facebook/whatever.

Original poster
thepeopleversuswork · 18/10/2021 11:42

@Chamomileteaplease

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place aren't you?

Unfortunately I think you will just have to try and stay out of his way today and hope to God that he gets the boiler fixed so that you never have to see him again.

But write everything down and make sure you complain about him to his boss/facebook/whatever.

I will. I'm so sick of this. I literally have never once had a man (and they are almost always men) do work on my home without patronising me about something. And they usually overcharge as well.

It's trivial but I'm so tired of it. If you're a woman and live alone you're a sitting target. I'm not even talking about the real cowboys, just the low level shit.

OP posts:
ImUninsultable · 18/10/2021 11:44

I'd have kicked him out for the "pretty disgusting" comment about some bloody wrapping paper.
But there are loads of people round here who do boiler repairs so it wouldnt be hard to replace him. And my parents live in the same town with loads of extra rooms so when my boiler broke, we stayed there until it was fixed. If I was in a totally different situation of nowhere to stay and no alternative repair person then I maybe wouldnt have said anything but would have been silently angry.

MissMinutes24 · 18/10/2021 11:44

Yanbu

symi · 18/10/2021 11:48

He thought a cupboard with paper in it was disgusting?

I know exactly what you mean OP. Even the ‘make us a coffee luv.’ You know full well they wouldn’t ask this if it was a man.

I find most workmen really hard going. Whiny and entitled.

Stompythedinosaur · 18/10/2021 11:55

He sounds awful. I suppose I'd put up with him until the boiler was fixed and then make a complaint.

You are completely right that it is misogyny that he feels able to speak to you in that way.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 18/10/2021 11:55

Im sorry but I have to disagree, he is there to do a job not navigate bags of rubbish and pushbikes in his way. You should have had everything cleared for him arriving. It is not his job to move your pushbikes.

Did you expect him to just sit twiddling his thumbs till you finished your call before asking you a question, He's doing a job he's not there to sit and wait, he will want to get the job finished as much as you want him to get it finished. He probably has another job booked in after You and needs to crack on.

ImUninsultable · 18/10/2021 11:59

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Some wrapping paper in a cupboard which is next to the place the boiler sits doesnt gave anything to do with his job. It isnt in the boiler cupboard, or underneath the boiler itself. It is in a cupboard beside where the boiler is. Nothing at all to do with blocking him from working. Yet he still felt like he could tell her it was disgusting.

He would not have said that to a man. Let's be honest. He wouldnt.

Original poster
thepeopleversuswork · 18/10/2021 12:00

@symi

He thought a cupboard with paper in it was disgusting?

I know exactly what you mean OP. Even the ‘make us a coffee luv.’ You know full well they wouldn’t ask this if it was a man.

I find most workmen really hard going. Whiny and entitled.

Urgh yes.

Also the way a lot of them will bang on and on about some incredibly small and irrelevant aspect of what they are doing at great length when you are clearly massively busy with someone else you need to do for your own job.

Yes I know the pressure valve in the boiler is relevant to your job and you need to know what you're talking about. I don't understand it and am not interested in it, which is why I'm paying you to do it for me. Unless its directly relevant to its ongoing maintenance or efficient use I don't have time to listen to you talking in excruciating detail about it. This doesn't mean I'm stupid, just that I have other priorities.

I wouldn't expect you to sit through a long discussion about my job, so do me the same courtesy.

OP posts:
helpfulperson · 18/10/2021 12:01

I had a smart meter fitted recently and I was emailed about ensuring all accesses were clear and gave examples such as shoes moved from the meter cupboard etc so I'm guessing it's an issue for them.

I also said to people in the meeting that I might need to dissappear for a few minutes. If it's not the type of meeting where you can do that then you need to get work done when you aren't working.

Original poster
thepeopleversuswork · 18/10/2021 12:03

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Im sorry but I have to disagree, he is there to do a job not navigate bags of rubbish and pushbikes in his way. You should have had everything cleared for him arriving. It is not his job to move your pushbikes.

Did you expect him to just sit twiddling his thumbs till you finished your call before asking you a question, He's doing a job he's not there to sit and wait, he will want to get the job finished as much as you want him to get it finished. He probably has another job booked in after You and needs to crack on.

It's not his "job" to move my pushbikes, no.

But he said to me "can you move these out of the hall?" I said yes I will do after I have dropped my daughter at school.

Immediately as I walked back into the door after returning he said "chop chop I need those bikes moved". He knew I had been dropping my daughter.

OP posts:
Fifthtimelucky · 18/10/2021 12:08

The 'disgusting' comment about the paper is completely unacceptable.

However, it's in both your interests for him to be able to finish the job as quickly as possible. He can't do that if he has to start moving things around or waiting for you to finish meetings.

I therefore think he was right to ask you to move the bikes if they were in his way. I also think he was right to interrupt the meeting (assuming that he asked a question that he needed the answer to in order to get on with the job, rather than interrupting you eg to ask for a cup of tea).

ZeroFuchsGiven · 18/10/2021 12:11

He also twice interrupted me when I was obviously trying to get my child out of the door to school to tell me off for not having moved some bikes from the hallway which he'd only asked me to do five minutes earlier (and which he was perfectly capable of doing himself).

But he said to me "can you move these out of the hall?" I said yes I will do after I have dropped my daughter at school.

Immediately as I walked back into the door after returning he said "chop chop I need those bikes moved". He knew I had been dropping my daughter.

So which was it? He asked you 5 minutes earlier (which was wasting 5 minutes of his time where he could be working) Or 5 minutes then he had to wait for you to return from taking your child to school (making it way more than 5 minutes of his time you had wasted).

Honestly, I have been renovating for the last 5 years with numerous tradespeople in and out my house, I can hand on heart say I have never witnessed any sort of bad behaviour from any of them towards me and I am usually here on my own.

I don't ever try to make their job difficult though, Everything is clear before they arrive I even make them drinks which i know is unheard of in the land of MN. Shock

KurtWilde · 18/10/2021 12:11

Things should already have been moved out of his way for access before he arrived. I agree his tone might've been off but he's there to work and time is money.

Mamette · 18/10/2021 12:12

Oh god I’d fucking let him have it (verbally, ofc) if he said “chop chop” to me.

Saying that I would have cleared the area beforehand because I don’t like to have to move things around when they are standing there watching.

Aprilx · 18/10/2021 12:13

I don’t understand why he was bothered about paper in a cupboard or felt the need to mention it. But you should have moved the bikes that were in the way straight away not after you have dropped your daughter to school and you also cannot expect him to sit and wait for your work call to finish when he has a question. You sound like a very awkward customer.

Darkstar4855 · 18/10/2021 12:14

YANBU about the disgusting cupboard comment.

However YABU not to have moved the bikes ahead of time. He’s trying to do a job for which he is paid by the hour and he probably has other calls waiting. He shouldn’t have to hang around waiting whole you drop your daughter off for you to move stuff out of the way.

ILiedAboutBeingTheOutdoorType · 18/10/2021 12:14

I have to be honest, I've never experienced anyone behaving or speaking like this. Boiler repair men, plumbers, electricians, handymen, decorators etc have always been pretty polite and low maintenance and I'm usually here on my own 90% of the time when they come. I'm not sure if it is misogyny or if he's just a rude arsehole.

symi · 18/10/2021 12:16

“Also the way a lot of them will bang on and on about some incredibly small and irrelevant aspect of what they are doing at great length when you are clearly massively busy with someone else you need to do for your own job.”

Yes - this exactly!

It’s as if they assume they are 100% the main event in your house for the duration they are there.

This mentality does my head in. I had one come the other week at 8am and just placed his radio in the hallway on full volume. No word of, “Am I disturbing anyone?”

He didn’t realise my husband was going to be WFH that day. DH went down and just turned it off and bluntly said, “You can’t have that on. I have calls.” So the workmen comes down to me and starts moaning, rather than saying anything to DH’s face. Whining on about, “I’m a music man, I am... once someone told me I couldn’t have my music on and I walked out.”

I just said to him, “Well if you need to leave, then probably best to go now.”

How can these people have no concept that’s it’s not all about them? I mean, would you walk into an office and put a radio on ‘because you’re a music woman.’

Then he proceeded to tell me every detail of what he was going to do and all the different parts of this and that.

I swear to god, these men are like spoilt children. I feel sorry for their wives, frankly. They need constant attention and affirmation. “Ooh well done. That’s amazing. Yes we’ll all pull up a chair and watch you shall we... “

ImUninsultable · 18/10/2021 12:18

The bike thing is your fault. You're in the wrong about that. They should have been moved out of the way before he even arrived. You cant tell him to wait until after the school run if you hadnt bothered to move them before he got there. You needed to do it right when he asked.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 18/10/2021 12:20

@symi

“Also the way a lot of them will bang on and on about some incredibly small and irrelevant aspect of what they are doing at great length when you are clearly massively busy with someone else you need to do for your own job.”

Yes - this exactly!

It’s as if they assume they are 100% the main event in your house for the duration they are there.

This mentality does my head in. I had one come the other week at 8am and just placed his radio in the hallway on full volume. No word of, “Am I disturbing anyone?”

He didn’t realise my husband was going to be WFH that day. DH went down and just turned it off and bluntly said, “You can’t have that on. I have calls.” So the workmen comes down to me and starts moaning, rather than saying anything to DH’s face. Whining on about, “I’m a music man, I am... once someone told me I couldn’t have my music on and I walked out.”

I just said to him, “Well if you need to leave, then probably best to go now.”

How can these people have no concept that’s it’s not all about them? I mean, would you walk into an office and put a radio on ‘because you’re a music woman.’

Then he proceeded to tell me every detail of what he was going to do and all the different parts of this and that.

I swear to god, these men are like spoilt children. I feel sorry for their wives, frankly. They need constant attention and affirmation. “Ooh well done. That’s amazing. Yes we’ll all pull up a chair and watch you shall we... “

Sorry but this did make me laugh.

When I am having something replaced or fixed I WANT to know what they are doing and the reason why! I really am interested in what I am paying for Grin I would find it really strange if they didn't explain things tbh.

PinkSyCo · 18/10/2021 12:27

I’ve been single for over 10 years and I’ve never had a tradesman talk to me like this! I’m actually shocked. I would have to tell him to stop being so fucking rude!

NigelSlatersXmasTaters · 18/10/2021 12:29

You actually left a load of bikes in the way and then went off to do the school run?! Confused

That's so ridiculously entitled and rude.

It also sounds like he needed to get in to the storage cupboard, is your gas meter in there? The way should be clear for him to do his work.

PheasantsNest · 18/10/2021 12:35

You should have made sure everything was cleared before he arrived. It's not his job to move stuff.

Grenlei · 18/10/2021 12:36

Chop chop would have sent me over the edge. A colleague once did this to one of their team, and even clapped their hands at the same time - I would have resigned on the spot.

I think YANBU OP, I have had a lot of crap from tradespeople over the years - not all, but a lot of them. Telling me my house is a mess (it's not) or criticising other tradesmens work but making it out like it's my fault! The most courteous, polite, effective and efficient were all from outside the UK, make of that what you will.

As a bit of balance though, my Ex works in the building trade, he only does new builds/ offices now but in his younger days was a council/ HA sub contractor and did some domestic work, which he said was horrendous, regularly getting called to properties where despite being asked to clear a cupboard/ space/ room, nothing had been moved as the (fit and able bodied) resident's attitude was that was 'his job'. It's one of the reasons why he changed roles, as he said he didn't spend years training at his job to move people's furniture for them.

So I can absolutely see why 'stuff' in the way is annoying, but this guy sounds like an arsehole tbh.