IABU to think there's no way he'd have pulled this if I'd been a man?

[thepeopleversuswork]

There's a guy fixing my boiler atm. I've had no heating or hot water for four days and my child has been ill. So understandably I haven't been overly preoccupied with some (non perishable - old wrapping paper and bin liners type thing) rubbish at the bottom of a storage cupboard which adjoins the place where the boiler is stored which is hardly used. And which in no way impairs his ability to do his job.

But the guy has seen fit to tell me its "pretty disgusting" and I should prioritise cleaning it.

He also twice interrupted me when I was obviously trying to get my child out of the door to school to tell me off for not having moved some bikes from the hallway which he'd only asked me to do five minutes earlier (and which he was perfectly capable of doing himself).

He's also walked into background on a Teams call and started asking me something when I'd told him I was about to join a work call and needed not to be disturbed.

I'm stuck with him now as he needs to finish the boiler but I'm seething and also feel like there's no way on earth he'd have done this if I were a man living on my own. Has anyone else ever successfully dealt with this sort of low level misogynistic shit from people doing jobs in your home without a row?

practice

He sounds like a bully and he definitely wouldn’t have spoken to a man like that, particularly interrupting your Teams meeting
So if op is on really important meetings for up to 5 hrs how is he supposed to get a signature or let her know he is finished?
Bonkers!

I had a builder complaining that I hadn't cleaned the top of our kitchen wall cabinets. The building work was to include extending the kitchen, during which the ancient kitchen units were being removed and replaced with new. No idea why he thought I should have scrubbed the unseen part of the cupboards first. Idiot.

@kurtney

I suspect the people arguing with you are or have some connection to tradesmen

Or perhaps some of the people realise tradesmen are actually human and not servants for the middle classes to treat like they're Lady of the Manor. Maybe next time, you can tell them to face the wall and never address you when they're in your presence, so you can pretend they don't exist and fairies come in at night to do all the manual labour that's beneath your very important office work.

That’s a bit of a leap! Touched a nerve?

This is nothing to do with class. They are invited into a home to carry out a piece of work. They are ONLY in that home by dint of their trade and the work required by the householder. It doesn’t give them the right to be rude, abusive or misogynistic to the occupants.

As a management consultant, I am invited into a workplace to carry out a piece of work. I do not make rude or personal comments about the client or the workplace. I don’t walk into their board room and plonk my radio on the table at high volume. I don’t hint to other colleagues that they should make me a drink. I don’t comment on what colleagues are wearing. Do you see the parallel? I do hope so.

In context, he who pays the piper calls the tune. That is true of many so called ‘middle-class’ (your words) occupations.

And we haven’t even started on the over-charging or con tricks so prevalent in the building trade.

It’s a complete nightmare OP. Here’s hoping your boiler is fixed and he is gone! I certainly wouldn’t use him again or offer a reference.

A lot of tradesmen wouldn’t last 5 minutes if they worked within an organisation. This is why a lot of them are solo, frankly. I had another one who put some shelves up and drilled through a water pipe. About 2 weeks later the wall was saturated. I called him. He said, “Oh what a shame. I would have loved to help out but I stopped my insurance last month and I can’t give you any money as I don’t have any.” .

These people think there one rule for them and another for everyone else. This one thought that because he didn’t have insurance, paying to repair the damage he had caused was somehow rendered optional. Like a child - this is the mentality.

@ScienceSensibility I don't think it's me who's had a nerve touched, but do go on with your very condescending manner.

I don't know where you're all finding these misogynistic stereotypical tradesmen, unless it's the 1950's. I've had several trades people in my house over the last decade and they've been nothing but unfailingly polite and respectful of my home. It's so exceedingly unlucky that so many of you keep getting the same sort of bloke to do your jobs, I'd almost suspect that the problem is not them, but you and the way that you treat them.

Of course OP's plumber shouldn't have told her to 'chop, chop' after she hadn't prepared for his visit and his asking her to remove the obstacles in the way of him doing his job, before she fucked off out of the house for 15 minutes. He should have tugged his forelock and begged her most 'umble pardon and apologies for troubling her at all.

I often think it must be tiresome being spoken down to as a tradesman when you outearn most office workers tbh.

I think you’re turning this into something it’s not, kurtney.

I’ve had one fantastic (older) Polish man who fitted the windows. He’s a delight to have in the house - professional and polite. I also once had a young (British) electrician who will definitely go very far as he has a great attitude.

I had the plumber from hell once. Absolute tosser. We have him the contract to do the re-plumbing of a whole renovation. £30k job. He came - put in half a boiler and some pipes. Texting me hourly to show me what he’d done . Basically, he was manic on drugs, as it later turned out. This went on for three days. All the floorboards up so the builders were moaning. One fell through a ceiling! Then - he disappeared for two weeks. Radio silence. After that, he was promising to come every day - “Absolutely... I’m on my way,” But he never showed. In the end, it turned out he’d got a girl pregnant and was “depressed” because she wouldn’t get an abortion of “it.” His mum had called the girl and told her “You’re getting nothing from my boy,” He actually said, “She saw me coming didn’t she - self-employed plumber - kerching,” He said he was so low he couldn’t get out of bed. He said she would get nothing from him and he wanted nothing to do with “it” ((the baby). He told me this as if I’m meant to feel sorry for him - poor thing - and welcome him back to finish the job after months. He couldn’t believe I hadn’t stalled the whole project to wait for him or that he wouldn’t be paid. No idea. He kept saying, ‘but I was always coming.’ This mentality is everything that is wrong with this country.

suspect the people arguing with you are or have some connection to tradesmen

No, I just happen to realise that the boiler man has another house or 5 to get to before he's done with work and I have no right no delay him or fuck over other people who also have lives where they also need to have meetings, pick up their kids or go see their mum and bring her shopping over.

I have an incredibly stressful job. I would jump with joy if I had only 5 hours of meetings. I still realise that I am not above the plumber.

Where are you people getting your tradesmen anyway, the 1950's? All of mine have been a fucking delight, except for the one who pretty much said he wanted to shag me, in not so many words.

Yabu. Your job to make sure he can access the boiler without a hassle. And its not up to him to move bikes. And really? He is not allowed to ask you anything because you were due for a work call?

And calling it misogyny straight away grinds my gears.. the man might have just been irritated as he deals with customers non compliance everyday doesn't make him a woman hater.

Christ almighty,sounds like the one who was at my house a few weeks back to do my annual boiler service. He needed to access the gas meter in the hall cupboard,and started whingeing about 'all the rubblish in the way'. There was a few rolls of wrapping paper,and an ironing board,none of which were remotely in his way! There was exactly the same stuff there,in the same position,as the year before,when a different engineer did the annual service,and strangely,he didn't have any trouble accessing the meter!

I literally have never once had a man (and they are almost always men) do work on my home without patronising me about something. And they usually overcharge as well. It's trivial but I'm so tired of it. If you're a woman and live alone you're a sitting target. I'm not even talking about the real cowboys, just the low level shit

I always make bookings in my late DH's name, even manufacture phone calls and leave clothes of his around precisely because I don't want to be ripped off as a woman. No-one's ever been rude, though I like to think it's because they nice, but it may be DH's "presence".

A male neighbour remarked on the sexism his wife encountered in these situations and agreed the sad necessity of my subterfuge. I'm in Australia.

My partner dropped my car to the garage for a brake pad change, the plan was I dropped his car there the next morning whilst picking up mine, as his needed a service. My car is the nicer of the two currently, his the run around. I’m women so therefore by default it couldn’t possibly be that I currently have the better car of the two.

Long story short, when I arrived the next morning the car that they had called to say was ready actually wasn’t. When I said they’d called to say it was ready the mechanic almost bent down and lent in towards me like people do to children, hands on his knees and said ‘well my lovely, this is a special car that needs special break pads and they haven’t arrived yet’. I asked him if it also has four wheels and goes vroom vroom🙃

Would he ever had spoke to my partner like that?Of course not!

I feel your pain op. I think there's a lot of workmen who say stuff like this to women when they wouldn't to a man.

We had a bloke come to fix the boiler a few years ago. The boiler is in the loft (stupid place but it was there when we bought the house). The man that turned up was too fat to get into the loft and they had to send someone else the following day. But this was made out to be my fault somehow.

To be fair, mechanics might take women more seriously if most could do the simplest automotive task like change a tyre. Most of my mates can't even check the oil or top up the coolant.

@KayKayWat

To be fair, mechanics might take women more seriously if most could do the simplest automotive task like change a tyre. Most of my mates can't even check the oil or top up the coolant.

Don't I work in a dealership and had to ring another part of the building to ask a service advisor if they could top up some screen wash for a customer as they didn't know how In the background is the service manager "is that notmycat? Is it for her car?" I nearly flattened him later as he said "I'm only joking! I know you know how!"

Our dealership is female heavy and any of the men speaking to a woman like they were a child/idiot wouldn't be lasting long

When i had my boiler replaced , i was asked to ensure everything was clear in advance so that the engineer could work. There's gas, water and electricity in one space, the last thing needed is stuff in the way. You do sound like you've not prepared or factored in your time to ensure he has what he needs. When i have a workman in i always expect some time to be devoted to that task and always offer tea/coffee on the way in - just courtesy imo. Never had a problem in 25 years. Treat people the way you would like to be treated, he's not dirt under your feet ("he interrupted me when i was taking kids to school"). He just wants to do the job and get paid. It sounds like you are the nightmare who has not prepared and then wasted his time....surprise surprise he's not the most charming with you. When you go on your Teams call does you client tell you to hang on while they do the school run despite having arranged the call at that time?

BTW - its not a gender thing. People i'm nice to are generally nice back, people who waste my time make me grumpy too. You may think you are the queen of sheba....you're not. Next time try to prepare, allow time to ensure the workman has what he needs and maybe offer tea - you might find a very different interaction.

Also, the filthy mess you have left in the cupboard sound like a fire hazzard.

Even if the OP was in the wrong not to move the bikes or be available for questions that does not excuse how he spoke to her.

I have had experience of misogynistic tradespeople (as well as lovely ones of course). One once told me “I can’t stand when you’re having dinner with women and one of the women eats more than the men”. Another had done several bad jobs and needed to come back to fix things. He never replied to my messages but did when DP stepped in (who had not been involved in the bathroom renovation in question at all).

@KayKayWat

To be fair, mechanics might take women more seriously if most could do the simplest automotive task like change a tyre. Most of my mates can't even check the oil or top up the coolant.

My partner knows literally nothing about cars, but my point is he never would have been spoken to like that and unsurprisingly he wasn’t spoken to like a toddler when he rung up to ask why the car wasn’t ready. I’m paying him for a service, I don’t expect to have to prove anything just because I’ve got a vagina. If I man walked into a perceived stereotypical female environment as a paying customer, like a florist for example, there’s no way he would be treated in such a patronising way.

He probably would have tbh. Plumbers are like hens teeth. I've had some surly rude ones in my house before. You need him more than he needs you and don't they know it !
Just be thankful he hasn't popped out to get a part from the wholesalers' which is code for "I'm having the afternoon off this job while I do something else".
YABU over the bikes tho. If he moves them and damages anything he would have to pay. It's unreasonable to ask any trade to move your clutter before they can start work. None of them will entertain tidying up before they can start. Doesn't matter if you're male or female.

@NelsonMandelaHouse

I loathe workmen in my home. 9/10 in my experience have been misogynistic wankers. DH once snuck back in when workmen were here just to listen to the way they spoke to me, because they didn't do it with him. Such as

"Your kettle broken, darling?? Hahahahahhhahhaawwwww!! Two sugars and a few biscuits when you're ready!"

"We'll be out of the kitchen in a minute so you can get the dinner on and the washing up sorted."

"Ooh, thought all me Christmases had come at once then!" Said in response to me saying the word "screw" about an actual screw that was sticking out of the floor.

"Smile, love, bloody hell! No need to look so miserable!"

"What you doin' still in yer dressing gown? Cor blimey, don't you wanna look sexy for your man?"

"What time's your husband home? You gonna have his tea on the table, or does he have to wait tonight?"

"Gonna give your husband a treat later, eh?" Said with a wink after overhearing a phone conversation where I said I'd got DH his favourite thing- wispa gold.

DH couldn't believe his ears when they said about me in my dressing gown and the kettle being broken. And that wasn't even the worst of it! The most cheeky thing they ever said to him was "Mate, do you mind making us a brew?"

This reminds me of the Brooklyn 99 episode where Amy is trying to explain to Jake what it's like to live in the world as a female and Jake says "Every time I think I understand how bad it is, it's just way worse than I imagined."

@KayKayWat

To be fair, mechanics might take women more seriously if most could do the simplest automotive task like change a tyre. Most of my mates can't even check the oil or top up the coolant.

I do have some sympathy with this. I'd be the first to admit that I'm not good at DIY and a lot of fairly basic tasks. It's definitely a shortcoming. I do think a lot of women (myself included) let ourselves down on this front.

On the other hand, though, I'm really good at some things which he probably isn't. I wouldn't lecture him because he can't do them. And I'm paying him (really well).

Why is it that they get to look down on us for not being able to do their job but our jobs are always regarded with contempt? Even paid work.

I do have some sympathy with this. I'd be the first to admit that I'm not good at DIY and a lot of fairly basic tasks. It's definitely a shortcoming. I do think a lot of women (myself included) let ourselves down on this front.

On the other hand, though, I'm really good at some things which he probably isn't. I wouldn't lecture him because he can't do them. And I'm paying him (really well).

Why is it that they get to look down on us for not being able to do their job but our jobs are always regarded with contempt?Even paid work.

I think it depends on the situation. For example, NHS workers walk on water right now, but people aren't really singing the praises of bus drivers despite them being the top profession for catching corona at the start. Don't see any binmen being allowed to cut the queue although they get up at 3am.

But working vs caring/mothering I agree that the working partner (often male) usually is seen ad the most important. Sadly though many women now also buy into this and look down upon SAHM/imply that you should work if you can, etc.

To be fair, mechanics might take women more seriously if most could do the simplest automotive task like change a tyre. Most of my mates can't even check the oil or top up the coolant.
I'm sorry that is such a crock of shit! There is no excuse for patronising YOUR CUSTOMERS. Would you think its acceptable for a shop assistant to patronise you because you're not up to speed on distribution channel challenges? Or a nurse because you don't have knowledge of a medical procedure?
It's no wonder men get away with this shit when there are so many women ready to protest for them.